So bizarre !

[Ann Mac]

And - as feared - today is off to a blinding start

Initially agreeing to a bath, she then said no, she wasn't going to - so I reminded her she has a GP appointment, for the jabs, when all other efforts to persuade her failed. Straight away into agitation and foul mood, she began to shovel her breakfast in, chomping and slurping and bolting to the extent I actually expected her to choke - throughout she repeatedly took tissues from the box on the table, sniffling and screwing them up, and either piling them by her plate, or letting them drop on the floor. Then, all of a sudden she called to me as I was at the sink - 'Ann - can you put the tissues nearer - I can't reach!!!!'.

I just looked at her in disbelief for a moment, then pointing out the several tissues by her plate, and the tissues on the floor, I told her she could reach. She lifted her arm, stretched it out to within about 2 inches of the box, told me she couldn't do it - though plainly, she could - and she snapped at me 'I WANT YOU to move them nearer - NOW'. I told her to do it herself, pointed out that I was up to my elbows in washing up, and that I was her daughter in law, not a maidservant - and got a 5 minute rant about how I'm 'heading to hell' for being so cruel, and she wouldn't believe that I would refuse to do a simple thing like that, and what a lazy so and so I am

I just turned my back on her and refused to respond - mid rant, I saw from the corner of my eye the arm shoot out and she grabbed another handful of tissues, whilst telling me that she was 'too weak' to stretch for the box

*sigh* - going to be doing a lot of counting to 10 today, I think!

 

[MrsTerryN]

Ann that is the thing I don't get. She is displaying inappropriate behaviors but remembers who you are.
I am trying to rationalize some portion of mums horribleness to she know that I will always be her daughter.
Who knows but I am very grateful the nursing home is fine with having her all to themselves for a while.
I have told the friend the possibility of mum moving to dementia ward but will wait for a few days before contacting her brother.
I feel for him he has already had his own mother, (years ago) His mother in law and his aunt in law the latter two lived with him for a period of time.
He doesn't need to be stressed about his sister unless it is vital.
Glad it is evening here. I am having chocolate and a new book
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[AnoviceinN1]

@ Ann Mac and Mrs TerryN: I have been lurking on this thread and one or two others you have contributed to for a while and I just want to say that I think that you two are saints for putting up with what you do - really I do! I hope that your families appreciate you, even if your mother/MIL are long past doing so. I know that you feel that you owe them, but even so...

 

[Ann Mac]

Terry, she knows I am Ann - but I'm betting she doesn't know our 'connection', even though I've said I'm her Dil - I may be a 'friend', her sons Mother in law, or a landlady, in her head I don't blame you not wanting to stress out her brother- I must admit, I tend to 'temper' the info I pass onto Mils brother and his family in Ireland - from that distance, they can't do anything, and so there is no point in worrying them

AnoviceN1 - thank you, but reading the threads on here, there is a lot that I don't have to cope with, so I think things could be worse, I guess. Today, its reached the point where its tipped over into farce, and at the moment, humour is helping me cope - during her bath she told me to be careful that I don't 'Do myself an injury, pretending to be nice' - and for some reason, that's now striking me as funny, so the strop I'm getting now because she can't find her handbag isn't making me stress. Just hoping I can hang onto that attitude for the next few hours x

Edited to add - on the plus side, she has now discovered she can reach the tissues, all by herself !

 

[MrsTerryN]

Thanks also from me anovice . I am far more fortunate than a lot of others here.
I don't have siblings to argue with. Also mum up till her broken hip actually most of the time was not nasty and sometimes was actually fun to be with
She is in a wonderful nursing home who take great care of her. Which means I get to walk out and leave her to them.



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[Ann Mac]

Well - the 'little girl' was a complete and utter pain in the posterior, last night

After struggling to keep Mil up till 10, she finally staggered up the stairs - and then proceeded to come back down, and was clearly incredibly confused and anxious. Got her back up, helped her to undress - and it emerged she was concerned about the 'little girl' who was running round upstairs and coming in and out of her room - actually, concerned is too mild a word, for some reason, she seemed scared After getting her to bed, she got up again and went wandering round the other bedrooms, she says, looking for someone becasue she wanted to feel safe, and again - she didn't feel 'safe' because she didn't know who that 'little girl' was, or what she was doing! It took quite a while for her to settle to sleep, she was wanting everyone else to also go to bed, so we were all upstairs and near her

This morning, about an hour or so ago, there was one holy thump from her bedroom - I went flying in, and she had fallen out of bed. Had to get hubs up to help me get her off the floor, thankfully no sign of any injury (whew!) and she was eager to go back to bed and sleep. Helped her to the bathroom, then got her back into her bed, positioning a pillow under her arm/shoulder (a trick that can help prevent accidental rolls out of bed, learnt in the nursing home ) - and again, as I tucked her in, she asked where the little girl had gone

She has just started on a new medication (memantine, I think its spelt) that is supposed to help with the anxiety and agitation - but I am now wondering if this could perhaps be having the opposite effect

 

[MrsTerryN]

How was last night Ann? I do hope the little girl wasn't around at all for everyone's sake.
Did you manage to get some sleep?

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[Ann Mac]

How was last night Ann? I do hope the little girl wasn't around at all for everyone's sake.
Did you manage to get some sleep?

Sent from my SM-T310 using Talking Point mobile app

Hi Terry,

Had a heck of a job getting her up and dressed for day care yesterday, but eventually succeeded when she realised I wasn't buying the story that she had 'broken her leg' and couldn't walk (this said to me as she was walking normaly across the room!) but last night, about an hour after she came home, we had quite a while where she was convinced that she was working in a 'solicitor place' and would have to leave because she didn't have the 'education' to work somewhere like that, and she couldn't 'afford the cost of getting there 5 days a week, either' She went on and on, really agitated and worried, about 'court cases that happened today' and was adamant that she wasn't 'clever enough' to finish the 'course from college' , it would be better if she just said she was leaving. I sort of mumbled and just let her go on - because distraction just wasn't working - and eventually she said that she would finish the college work and then not go back, and after repeating this several times, she calmed down and was OK. I have no clue at all where that one has come from - maybe they watched some old film about a court case, in day care? - but she was really fixed on it and quite upset while she was talking.

Thankfully, son came home for a few days from uni, yesterday, and that proved the best distraction - poor Mil was convinced she hadn't seen him for years (its actually just over 4 weeks!), and kept remarking on how much he had grown She was so pleased to see him, and bless him, he gave her a lot of fuss last night, and that really eased the sundowning and the 'I'm going to bed'.

Even more thankfully, the little girl stayed away!!!

 

[MrsTerryN]

It is just so horrible when they are scared. I find it so odd that this disease makes them think of scary things not pleasant or such.
Once again she had delusions eg working and travelling to work but was able to recognize her grandson so odd Ann

For me I haven't returned to see mum since Monday.
I have emailed the nursing home who have advised she is still wandering and isn't as aggressive.

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[Ann Mac]

Occasionally we get spells where the delusions aren't scary, Terry - but they are brief compared to the times when they really stress her out - or at least, that's how it feels She knew my son as soon as she saw him, knew he was her grandson too - and oddly, one of the first things she said was 'I didn't know you were coming home from uni'!!! Now how did she remember he was at uni, but not remember that it had only been a few weeks, not a few years, since she had seen him? And at one stage, during a conversation, she asked me if my husband was his Dad, and was really surprised that he was - even though she semed to know that my husband was also her son. It makes no sense at all - but thats how it so often is.

I think its good that you have given yourself a break from visiting - as I said, hopefully it may break the 'nasty' cycle for you. Its also going to put a real downer on your much needed holiday, if the days before you go are filled with upset over how she has been towards you. I suspect that you worrying and being upset about it would not get your break off to a good start, and it would impact on how much good it would do you. You need that break to rest and recharge, hun, in order to cope with the caring long term.

She's up and padding round upstairs now - not sure if she is going to head back to bed, or head downstairs - naughty, but I have fingers crossed that she will go back to bed for another hour or so. I love having a peaceful couple of hours before the rest of the house wake up !

Spoke too soon - can hear her on the stairs - oh well, here we go again!

 

[lizzybean]

I've said it before & I'll say it again I don't know how you two do it, I really don't.

 

[Ann Mac]

I've said it before & I'll say it again I don't know how you two do it, I really don't.

Same way as everyone on here, I guess, Lizzy - you know, I often read other posts, about what others are facing, and I actually think that I get off quite easily compared to some. I certainly am getting a heck of a lot more support from services in our area than so many others get, and I haven't had to do a lot of fighting and arguing and begging to get it either.

Yesterday was an 'I am too tired to move' day - and a very tearful one, to start. She came down (dressed in the previous days clothes, including the undies!) and slumped into a seat at the table, whispering about a cup of tea and some toast. I did the usual brisk and cheerful, and happend to say 'Tuck your chair in, sweetheart' - and she proceeded to thump her hand on the table and tell me to 'Shut up, shut up shut UP!'. Hubs walked into the room, and she instantly started sobbing and asking him to 'tuck her in', so pathetic and sad Then, when he said he was nipping out to pick up some DIY supplies, she turned into a little child, pulling on his sleeves and asking him to buy her some sweeties.

She refused bath, wash, clothes change or even to clean her teeth and insisted on going back to bed. She stayed pretty quiet and very down seeming all day - unitl last night! I was helping out by taking pics at a charity event for a friend, just for 2 hours, and whilst I was gone, poor hubs and son got the 'E.T.'s' - home, home, home, home, home . . .

Like it or not - and I'm hoping she 'likes' 'cos otherwise there will be a battle today - a bath is on agenda when she gets up. I've havent managed to persuade her into the tub for more than a brief strip down wash, since Wednesday morning, so its now urgent.

Wish me luck, lol!

 

[Sue J]

Good luck with the bath hope it's not too much of a struggle

 

[Ann Mac]

Good luck with the bath hope it's not too much of a struggle

Thanks Sue - yes, I managed to persuade her, not too bad at all, which was a relief - and she agreed to a bath again, the next day

I am not sure that the new meds are agreeing with Mil - she seems to be incredibly low to me, lots of tears (for no reason she can articulate), and what little filters remained in terms of making personal remarks and general critisms, have well and truely gone - at least where I am concerned! For the last 3 days, she seems to have been able to moderate the remarks when OH is around, but yesterday morning, after accusing me of wanting to 'tip her head first' into the bath, and several other critisms of my housekeeping skills and general appearance, when he wasn't nearby to hear her, she 'slipped up' and made an incredibly rude remark, totally out of the blue and actually in front of OH, about my weight. I'm glad she did - because I'm not sure that OH really appreciated how utterly vicious her tone is when she says these things till he heard it himself. Both of us jumped on her immeadiately and told her how unacceptable it was. She tried to say she was joking, but it didn't wash. That was the start of a dreadful day, with sundowning kicking in early, at around 3pm, and she was awful - and also throughout the day, the constant delusion that a 'babby' had somehow gone missing - not sure if it was our 'babby', her' babby' or just a randon 'babby', but periods of non-stop enquiries as to where was it, and what had we done with it?

And to top the day off, when OH went up to bed last night, she was waiting for him, begging him to sleep in her room, because she was scared of being alone And it took him a while to settle her and actually get to bed himself!

Going to get a urine sample dropped off at GP's today - just in case - and am actually hoping its a UTI, or even the new meds, rather than just another phase that we have to cope with

 

[Ann Mac]

And another fall out of bed, accompanied by a wet bed, and her having an accident on the floor before we could get her to her feet

Checked with CPN - got to wait for sample to be checked, but yes - new meds can cause disinhibition and other behavioural issues

 

[lizzybean]

This might be completely daft but have you thought of giving her a doll???

 

[Ann Mac]

This might be completely daft but have you thought of giving her a doll???

Its not daft, at all Lizzy - I've read about dolls/teddys sometimes bringing comfort and distraction, and a couple of people have suggested it on here And I've tried it - twice now - first time I was asked how old did I think she was, second time (just a week or so ago ) I tried leaving a soft bodied doll (an old toy of yougest daughters') on her bed, and she shoved it in the wardrobe!

Oldest daughter is back from uni, just for 3 days, and I am hoping that will be a distraction for her tonight. Still no word on whether UTI or not - usually I hear pretty quickly if it is, so am assuming not this time - which quite possibly means back to the drawing board on the medication, from what the CPN has said.

 

[Twinkletoes25]

"...How come they can remember things like this for days/weeks, when they can't remember where the bathroom is?..."


This >>>VIDEO<<< might help.

Nitram, this is a suberb video! Thank you for recommending it!

 

[Ann Mac]

For the, I think, 3rd time in the last week, Mil retired to bed at 10 (after the usual few hours of wanting to go earlier), and within a short time was back down again, with a piece of confabulation/a delusion, that she needed to sort out NOW!

This time she was wondering why, when she got a train down to Holyhead last week, and stayed in a little sea side hotel (which she could not remember the actual name of, nor the exact location of), she opened one of the drawers in her room, and found a photograph of me, her son and her grandchildren. She hadn't planned to stay in this hotel, she says, she had intended to get the ferry over to Ireland - but the sea was too rough. She added that she still would have gone, had her husband or her son still been alive - but not by herself. And she wanted an answer as to WHY that photograph was in that hotel and seemed to be more irked by the fact that she felt this probably proved we had gone off somewhere without her, rater than anything else.

Needless to say, she didn't go anywhere on a train last week, much less stay in a hotel - and her son, my OH is very much still alive (thank Goodness!), and was sat there as she was teling us all this !!

We just commented on how strange that was, assured her that we hadn't gone anywhere without her and we were as puzzled as she was - and thankfully, she eventually decided to go back off to bed - though she was obviously rather suspicious that we couldn't explain ourselves, and I think thought we were fibing to cover up us having gone off on some trip without her. . .

Once again, unable to work out where on earth that has all come from!

 

[Ann Mac]

There's been a massive upswing in the delusions since last Friday And by last Tuesday morning, they got so bad, we had to call the GP, as she was so agitated, I honestly thought she was going to have an asthma or angina attack, at the very least. Finished Ab's for UTI on the Saturday (UTI diagnosed by hospital, ab's specific to the bug causing it), and on a maintenance dose of ab's since the Sunday, btw - so not that, this time.

They have doubled the memantine, and added a 2mg daily dose of diazapan, for the next two weeks, to see if that will help settle her. The 'nasty' comments have gone, but the delusions are still there. Just picked her up from day care, crying as soon as she saw me, adamant she was 'never going back', but wouldn't say why - staff looked guenuinely worried, apparently she hasn't 'settled' all day, but there haven't been any bad incidents, she has just been 'anxious'. However, by the time I had her in the car and fastened her seatbelt, I was getting a tale about the woman there today, who had scared everyone because she had a gun! This morphed, over the course of the 25 minute journey home (due to flipping bad traffic) into Mil having pulled a gun on everyone, and how she had sneaked back here at lunch time to hide it under her pillow in her bedroom! And how she had seen OH, and then it was OH had been to that ward where she was working and seen her, and given her a hug and it was him who told her to go and hide the gun - I think Very hard to follow her, but this gun being under her pillow stayed with us all the way back, and when we came in she was straight up the stairs to look for it. Not finding, she dismissed it as 'It must be my imagination', and she is now fretting about the 'little 'un' and the 'babby'.

Its nice not to be dodging the verbal insults and comments, I must admit - but its horrible to see how far from reality she is. Just completely in a world full of the oddest events and non-existent people and places