1. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Hopefully sale and purchase will go smoothly Slugsta. Such a stressful business buying and selling.

    I've seen a video come up on FB of Porta Pollensa today, and rivers through roads, messaged a friend who lives in Majorca and she said that normal for time of year. Road descents in Majorca aren't good in the dry.

    Spamar - please don't post about food fesitvals again, I am jealous ;)

    Ann - house stinking does not sound good, it sounds like some staff can be bothered to look and some can't.

    Weather here has not been too bad, but think would have been grim in Anglesey. WE had a non cycling day, cooked breakfast and dog walk - hoped to find sweet chestnuts but they weren't ripe yet.

    Here is what I once did - the year I did it in the K2 (double boat at the start of video) I survived this weir but came a cropper with 2 weirs left after about 15 miles.

  2. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    The Sweet North
    Ann, I just read your post and can hardly believe how the nurses are handling/handing over urine-soaked clothing. When my husband was in a general hospital earlier this year, any 'contaminated' clothing was put into plastic bags with sealing strips before placing in a green carrier type bag (for me to take home and wash.) This should be standard practice in any hospital or facility where infection control is taken seriously.
  3. PeggySmith

    PeggySmith Registered User

    Apr 16, 2012
    Ann, sorry to butt in but I have been a lurker on this thread from the beginning and am full of admiration for you and the way you've handled MIL's dementia but just never had anything useful to contribute before. Just wanted to say that when my own MIL was in hospital and incontinent, they sent her soiled stuff home in soluble bags so the whole thing could go into the washing machine. Think they were something like this: http://www.watersolublebags.com/
    Other makes must be available, this is just the first I came up with on Google. While they didn't completely blot out the smell, they certainly "contained" it and I didn't have to handle the clothes. There's no way on earth I could have coped with what you're being asked to do as I'm the most squeamish person on earth.
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    JM, you must be mad doing that! On the other hand, I'm full of admiration!
    No more food festivals, I think the Cornwall one was last weekend!
    Slugsta. Good luck on removals, have you seen anywhere to buy yet?
    Ann, I remember when OH was in hospital the second time, (when he had vascular problems ) his clothes were everywhere . One pair of trousers were thrown underneath the chair, wet, in his room. No one thought to say bring in a clean pair next morning, which turned out to be the day of his discharge. Discharge was meant to be on the Friday, but they decided he needed an ultrasound, so had to stay in until Monday!! I was speechless,, do you realise how much that's costs the NHS, why can't he have it as an outpatient, preferably somewhere closer to home? No, he must stay in! I phoned the next morning, and they said, why aren't you here, he's ready for discharge!! I was spitting feathers. It wasn't as if the hospital was our nearest, it was an hours drive away! And don't get me started on the so called nursing care!!
    Rant over, better go and try to have a shower!
    Have a good any, everyone!
  5. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands

    What I've always thought

    You are absolutely nuts :D :D

    But boy, what an experience that must be - not green, well maybe a tad :D

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  6. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    JM, yep, you are crazy! :D I always fancied a gentle paddle around our harbour but never got round to it. I couldn't sit for long enough to do even that now, not sure I would ever have wanted to do the white water stuff!

    We were going to have the estate agent's photos done today but I decided there was still too much tidying to do, so the Purple Bricks guy is coming tomorrow. Hubby and I have had a good tidy and our cleaner did a good job for us this evening. We have looked round enough to decide that we are being realistic in looking for what we want at a price we can afford but there's no point in doing more until/unless we get a buyer. The cats make things much more difficult but I'm as sure as I can be that there will never be a time I would want to be without them.

    I popped in to see Mum this morning, taking some clean laundry with me. The morning carer had put a load through the machine as Mum had been wet and her sheet was also wet. As were all the seats on the sofa and armchairs in Mum's flat - she has just been changing seats when the current one was wet . . . Looking at the notes, there was also another episode of faeces in the pull-ups the other day :( The only good thing is that Mum will then allow the carer to help her have a full body wash (but not a shower). I must admit that, despite my training, I'm glad that I haven't needed to deal with that for Mum (yet)!

    It's been grey and wet here today, the forecast for tomorrow was for a better day but I see that has now changed and it looks like more of the same is due :(
  7. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Hi everyone,

    Spamar, I agree - eating by yourself isn't the best - in South Wales last week, I had to eat alone in the hotel dining room, and though the food was lovely, sitting by myself I just ate and got out, and I don't think you enjoy food as much when you do that.

    Slugsta, good luck with the house selling and buying - I have fingers and toes crossed that it goes with as little stress as is possible x I hate to say it, but it sounds like incontinence has arrived for your Mum, as abruptly as it did with Mil - though Mil is still mainly dry during the day, the night time incontinence started pretty much out of the blue and once it started, that was it, she was wet just about every night :( If you can get a sample to the GP, it might be worth checking if she still has a UTI (as I'm sure you know, some can linger and take more than one lot of AB's to shift). And is there any chance she will accept kylies tucked around the seat covers/cushions, to protect her furniture?

    JM, that looks amazing! 10 years ago, I would have loved to have a go at something like that, but I know that now there is no way I could manage it physically - would still really enjoy watching it though! Had some great shots of the kayaks on the river in LLangollen - but that looks way, way more exciting :D

    Thanks Peggy and Sleepless, and I agree with with you guys and everyone else, that the issues with the washing are not acceptable. Those soluble bags looks like a good idea - IF the staff will use them :( The hospital has large carrier bags, with the word 'laundry' printed on them, and they put Mil's washing into one of these bags. Sometimes, wet/soiled stuff is put into a separate bag, which is occasionally tied with a strip of plastic, more often the top of the bag is just folded over, and then that bag is put into another bag that contains the rest of Mil's clothes. But just as often, the wet stuff just goes directly into the one bag, with her day clothes, and nothing is sealed. 2 or 3 days with it all sitting in a plastic bag like that, and the smell is absolutely foul. The 'missing clothes' is frustrating - I know that she has around 15 tops there, usually 2 cardigans, about a dozen bra's, up to 8 nighties and 3 pairs of 'light' pj's, 2 'light' dressing gowns and about 12 pairs of trousers - I was told that she was 'nearly out of clean clothes' when I picked the last lot of washing up on Saturday, yet the bag contained far less than half (with the exception of the nightwear) of the clothes she should have there. When we go today, I'm going to ask to go and check the clothes in her room, I know her case is kept on top of the wardrobe (to stop her packing it) and I am hoping that there are a lot of her clothes in there - if not, then I am going to be firm about asking them to find any missing items. One or two things gonig walkabout is I guess, unavoidable - any more than that, and I will be cross!

    Had a really busy couple of days. Yesterday, a return journey to London for work, to visit head office and be introduced to the staff there - to be fair, the organisation are very big on making sure that their 'home workers' get to meet the staff they are likely to have at least phone or email contact with - they say its nice for us to 'meet the faces' and they don't want us to feel isolated. Once again, met a lot of extremely enthusiastic people, very positive and welcoming and helpful - staff moral seems very upbeat and it all feels very guenuine, whioch is lovely. Have local meetings on Wednesday, off to Manchester on Thursday, then London again next week (might be an overnighter) a couple more meetings, and somehow, have to fit in a visit to one of the IT hubs to get all my IT equipment up and running.

    On Sunday, OH suggested a zoo run, just for the afternoon - I should have said no, because I've had a few bad days with aches and pains . . . but, I knew that a second baby zebra had arrived and (even better, 'cos they are amongst my favourites) Wallace and Annie, the Asian River Otters, had just introduced their 5 absolutely adorable babies to the public, and I was dying to see them. Between the zoo and yesterdays travelling and walking, I'm really paying now (not a lot of sleep last night, in too much pain :( ) - but hopefully that will ease, and as I got to see both zebra calf and otter cubs, for me it was worth it.

    Today, hopefully visit a couple of the possible homes for Mil, as well as visiting Mil herself. OH wasn't too well yesterday, some sort of cold/flu virus by the looks of it, so I have my fingers crossed that her feels better today, as we really need to get these vists and the search for somewhere for Mil off the ground properly.

    I'll leave you with Otter Mum and one of the babies - this little one had headed into one of the pools by itself - but as you can see, Mum simply grabbed it by the scruff, hauled it out, and brought it back (dripping) to the rest of the gang - everybody say 'AWWWWWWWW' :D

    Hope you all have a good day - and Amy and Grace, haven't seen you around for a couple of days - hope everything is going OK for you both? xxxx

    Attached Files:

  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    That is one fabulous photo, Ann! Awwwwwwww!!
  9. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Thanks Spamar - I took dozens of pics, but the little ones (and the parents) move so quickly, plus I had to shoot through glass, so I didn't get as many really good shots as I would have like to - but that one, I was really happy with - that baby is so cute :)
  10. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Ann, that photograph is super...there is no clue that it was shot through glass.

    Would it be worth a word with the Pals people regarding MIL's laundry, likewise....and this is just a thought....perhaps you have simply too many clothes there now. I know this sounds daft, too many clothes:rolleyes:, but it means that it is too easy for them to put MIL into clean clothes, rather than dressing her in Pullups and doing personal care...." Oh it's OK she's got clean ones, we can do her last" !! :rolleyes:When my Mum was in hospital for three weeks, I took in no more than three of everything at any one time except panties which were 6s. Now I was lucky enough to be able to visit more frequently than you, but there might be a way to beat the system as it stands.. Perhaps if you took rubber gloves in and stood in the laundry and sorted the stuff out there, the smell might persuade them to pack stuff better too!!!:eek::eek::eek:
  11. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    I would be inclined to approach it more directly - "if you want me to carry on doing MiL's laundry, then you need to separate and seal soiled clothing and hand it over each time I visit rather than saying there isn't any and then giving me a massive bagful"
    Faced with the alternative of doing it themselves they may be more likely to cooperate
  12. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Oooooh, otter babies! (Ann, I'm afraid I did squeal out loud; enough to alarm the cat!) Awwwwwww!

    I know I've been MIA lately; my mother is ok although we have had another "incident" at the care home; still no word on the move; I had a trip last week to the city where my mother used to live/where I grew up/where I still have some family and took care of some business for my mother, visited with Poorly Aunt, and then had a very nice half day out with my other auntie. Will come back with more details. Sorry for not being caught up with everyone.

    Hope you're all well, or as well as possible, and sending you all good wishes.

    I will now return you to the adorable Otter Family!
  13. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Afternoon all,

    Ann, it's lovely to hear that there is such a family feel in your new company - and that they are prepared to pay for time to do it. It sounds as if they will be good to work for.

    I really cannot understand the mentality behind putting soiled clothing in with less dirty. Nurses should be very familiar with the concept of keeping biohazards separate! I do hope you are able to find a way of dealing with this.

    The otter photo is stunning! They are such lovely animals, especially when they are in water :)

    Ann, JM and anyone else with school age young ones, I do hope that they are settling into their new year. It is such an important time for them, years that they will never get back. Of course, it is entirely possible for people to study later, but it is certainly harder and none of us want our kids to face more obstacles than they absolutely have to!

    The estate agent came to measure and photograph today and was pleased with the way we have tidied and 'dressed' the rooms - dinner table set for 4, with wine glasses and a bottle of red; cafetiere and a mug next to the kettle and a cookbook on the work surface in the kitchen etc. Hope we can keep on top of things so that we don't have a lot to do if/when we get viewings!

    Amy and Grace, I second the good wishes and hope that you are both doing well xx
  14. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    I suspect that Mil is still hiding soiled clothes, as she did at your home, which might account for some of the randomness.

    I respect your choice about the laundry, but it would not be mine, particularly if I were working a new job with travel involved! n your shoes, I would buy her 10 cheap outfits and refuse to do any more laundry, but that is my personal line in the sand. The stink, the irritation with the process, the expense of doing it on your own machines, and the time...the ward would do it for no extra charge, I assume? Maybe let them do it for a few weeks while you attend to other things like looking at homes, and RESTING!

    So pleased to hear how well the job thing is going! What a lot of change for you and OH, though!
  15. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Son got a detention yesterday - for forgetting his planner (homework book in my day) - he went to detention today and he said most people across all years were in there for that, as they haven't enforced the rule before. He got on with his homework when he got in sharpish yesterday!

    My dau is in final GCSE year, dau is working hard at Art coursework (I hate ART!)
  16. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    #6136 Ann Mac, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
    Morning all,

    Glad you are OK Amy, though sorry about the 'incident' at the home with your Mum. Hope it wasn't too serious and that both she and you are OK xxx

    Lol Slugsta - not sure it would have occured to me to 'dress' the house before estate agent visits. I would have had everything sparkling clean, but not thought of setting it up the way you describe. Fingers crossed that it pays off for you :) Dau doing her best at school, she has arranged to re-sit two exams (apparently, so have several in those classes) - she passed both, but feels she could do better. I've had a chat and she has (finally) spoken to the senco at the school - she has ADHD, and one of the things that is difficult for her is concentration, particularly when there is 'back ground noise' - in a big hall filled with lots and lots of other children, despite the fact that silence is obviously the rule during exams, there are quite a lot of distractions. She tends not to make a big deal about the ADHD, but now she has agreed with the senco that she will sit exams in a smaller, quieter area that is available. Hoping it will help. I have to find time to chase up the other issues at school - Estyn as I said, have pointed me in the right direction now, but its just finding time.

    JM - its pretty annoying when the school suddenly decide to get strict about particular things that haven't previously been a big deal - dau (and a lot of other students) were caught out by a sudden fussiness over bus passes a couple of years ago, and at the moment she tells me that the school are being fussier than usual over footwear (something to do with some trend amongst the boys, apparently). Dau says in a couple of weeks, once they are into the new school year properly. all the fuss will die down - she is probably right!

    Maureen and Moonflower and Celia, and everyone else who commented about the laundry - yes, I am probably am daft doing the laundry, especially at the moment when there are a lot of changes and a lot going on here at home. But, if they are managing to 'lose' clothes now, when all they have to do is put the soiled stuff in bags and hand them to me, can you imagine how bad it would be if I left it all to them? I asked about how many clothes she should have there, and was told it was better to bring in plenty of changes, in case we were ever unable to get in for several days, so that's what I've done - but yes, am now thinking of cutting back on the number of items that are there. We called in yesterday, at about 4.30, and I asked to go straight to her room - I was very tactful, using the reason that I needed to check what was happening with her clothes so I could work out what I need to get her when we find a home for her - the nurse I spoke to is one of the very approachable ones, so she came with me. I found 3 or 4 of Mils tops stuffed in her case (along with a couple of items that are not hers!), another 4 or 5 tops hanging up - but no sign of her dressing gowns, any trousers, any other nightwear or her bra's. There was a small bag of stuff to be washed, but taking that into account and the clothes that Mil was wearing, a lot seems to have vanished - one pair of pj's I haven't seen since I bought them for her, two other pairs missing either the top or the bottoms, a couple of missing nighties, about 8 or 10 missing bra's and 4 or 5 pairs of trousers. We checked the room thoroughly - there is a fitted wardrobe (but open, no doors) and open shelves to fold clothes onto, but really no 'nooks and crannies' where clothes could be hidden. To be fair, the nurse made a list of missing items and seemed really embarressed and concerned about the amount of missing stuff. She said she would follow it up - I hope she does. I also asked about were they having any especial issues with Mil and incontinence, again, as tactful as I could be, saying that I'd noticed tht lately Mil's day clothes were often in the same bag as her wet nightclothes, so was she now having more accidents during the day? (and I made a remark, almost jokey, but quite pointed, about us driving home with the car windows down, just to emphasize about how unpleasant it can be). And I also asked were there more issues at night, because its only in the last few weeks that I'd had so many wet nighties and so on coming home? Mil is still mainly dry during the day, apparently - but at night, the nurse told me that even though they are using the 'super plus plus' pull ups, that she and her bed are very wet every morning. And they suspect that Mil may be doing what she often did when she was here - getting up, pulling the pull ups down - but getting confused and weeing on the end of the bed instead of the toilet. So at least I know that they are using pull ups, I've raised the issue of the missing clothes, and the nurse I spoke to clearly took on board about the soiled clothes not being separated out in the laundry bags - so we'll see what happens now.

    I went back to join OH and Mil, and though it was a good 15 minutes off tea time, they were already serving up the food - and we were in the way. We had some errands to run, so we said we would pop back later and left. OH told me that Mil was on a 'hostage loop', quite agitated - she had spent all day trying to get the hostages free, she told him - but when she got them, she didn't know what to do with them and as she had 'no food' she had swapped them - for a packet of tea bags and half a pound of sausages ! And now she was worried because that was 'all the food she had in the world'. Talk about bizarre!

    The 'errands' were mainly about us getting a new (to us) car. Our old one has been great, but (a) she is getting on and (b) now we are not carting Mil's wheelchair around and have the van to do the 'getting the kids to uni' runs, a smaller car makes more sense. We had visited a few showrooms, and settled on a 3 year old peugeot, so we went back to sort that (picking it up on Friday, probably) and then back to see Mil just before 6. No mention of hostages, this time it was all about prisons. She was in prison (for climbing over a wall, she said), OH had been in prison (for trying to escape) and even her Mum was in prison (for shouting at a warden!). As always, when she is on one of these loops, no distraction works, no matter what you say she replies in a way that takes her straight back to the obsession. After half an hour, we decided to go, as talking to us only seemed to be getting her more and more entrenched in the idea that she was in prison, and she was starting to get more agitated. She wasn't bothered about us leaving - she told me she knew she would have to stay till she 'got parole'!.

    Meetings and paperwork for me today, Manchester tomorrow. Friday, hoping to vist 3 of the homes on our list. We are hoping that one locally will be good - otherwise, we are looking at her being about an hours drive away :(

    Hope you all have a good day xxxx
  17. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    #6137 Amy in the US, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
    Thank you for the kind and concerned wishes, everyone.

    My mother is okay. Still no word about a moving date.

    The "incident" last week was that my mother said she had been assaulted by someone at the home. Let me assure you that this was properly looked into and reported, but I am 100% certain that what my mother says happened last week, didn't happen. Or rather, it happened around 1969, because the story she told the nurse was a verbatim account of a story I heard many times growing up. I don't want to upset anybody or downplay what happened 40+ years ago, but rest assured that my mother wasn't injured or, er, interfered with in any way, either in the 1960s or last week (as help was close at hand both times). The story she told the nurse (and I heard her, as I was on the phone with the nurse, telling it again), was, word-for-word, what I heard as a child.

    This is clearly an old ugly memory rearing its nasty head and becoming conflated with a resident to whom my mother has taken an intense dislike. Before you tell me it's not impossible, I thought about that, and so did the nurse. This particular resident couldn't have done anything to her as he was in hospital the day this supposedly happened (and several days before and after). It could not have been a staff member as there were NO male staff members on duty at that time, and my mother is clear it was a man (as it was in 1960-whatever). I was intermittently laughing and crying on the phone, because the language my mother and Miss T were using was, er, very colorful, and Miss T is very prim and proper in hostess mode (if you know the American stereotype of a reserved, very polite, and very correct New Englander, that is she). VERY prim and proper, so it was hysterical to hear her swearing like a sailor. But it was horrible to hear my mother be frightened.

    Sadly, although my mother's memory is very poor, she was clearly able to remember this "incident" the next day, or Miss T could, and they would set each other off again. This would be the downside of them being joined at the hip, I suppose.

    Again, I'm certain nothing happened last week, but it was distressing to hear the anguish in my mother's voice. I heard the nurse reassuring her and it was textbook and she said all the right things, and was able to distract my mother, but of course it was hard for me not to worry. And of course, I was, where else, out of town, as I'd gone to have an appointment with my mother's financial advisor so I can start again with working out a complicated situation with her finances/investments/legal stuff. Why do these phone calls always happen when I am out of town? And trying to visit Batty Aunt, who deserves a thread of her own? And then hoping to spend time with Good and Not Batty Aunt?

    My husband, who always seems to draw the short straw of dealing with my mother, went to see her, but my mother was fine and content and holed up in her room with Miss T watching sports and so he just said hello and dropped some things off for her. She seems less and less interested in going out, even for a quick lunch, and I wonder if it's too much for her.

    Anyway, I digress, and I've gone on at length, and I am sorry. I hope things are okay with the job, Ann, and okay with the kids, Ann and JM, and okay with the knee and in-laws, Grace, and okay with the house on the market (or whatever you say in the UK), Slugsta, and okay with the breathing, Spamar, and whatever and whoever else I am inadvertently forgetting, no slight intended.

    And also for Ann: What on earth is up with the laundry???? Just insane, and like everyone else, I can't understand why they don't bag soiled stuff separately. I'm not squeamish, but that's a biohazard, and surely must be counter to the rules of the hospital, let alone common sense.

    Hugs to everyone, and thank you!
  18. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Afternoon all,

    JM, it sounds as if your son's school is making their point at the start of the year! Here's hoping the detention helps him remember his diary in future (I'm pretty sure it would have made no difference to my son!).

    Amy, how distressing for you to hear your mum so distressed. It doesn't really matter whether the incident happened yesterday, in the 1960s or (as often seems to be the case with Mrs Mac ) not at all. In her head it happened recently and her distress is both real and justified :( Of course it happened while you were out of the area, that is a case of Mr Murphy (or Sod, whichever you prefer) putting his Law into action!

    Mind you, I'm afraid the knowledge that an incident is real in the head of the PWD didn't stop me from laughing out loud at the idea of MIL/Mrs Mac swapping hostages 'for a packet of tea bags and half a pound of sausages'! :eek:

    Ann, in your situation I would be spitting feathers about all the missing clothes :mad: This is MIL's money and your time that are being squandered. Heaven alone knows where the things have got to!

    I hope your new car lives up to expectations and makes these errands a little easier/more enjoyable. We are very pleased with our Peugeot, although it is a bit bigger. The thing that sold us on the 3008 is that it has a 'double decker' boot - we have my wheelchair on the bottom layer, then a shelf which can carry a full shop or 3-4 suitcases with a parcel shelf on top of that. I also love the reversing camera which makes the strain on my neck much less.

    Yes Amy, our house is now 'on the market'. We have our first viewing and it is difficult not to get excited - even though know that it is highly unlikely to lead to a buyer this soon!

    Took Mum out for our usual jaunt this morning. I was telling Mum a little story about having an argument with someone last time we visited this particular cafe. Mum listened, then said 'Oh, so you're buying a shop are you?' :confused: Given a choice between coffee + walnut or ginger sponge, Mum chose coffee + walnut - then spent the next 20 minutes complaining that there were too many nuts in it :rolleyes:

    Looking at the carers' notes, it seems that Mum's bed is wet aprox 5 x per week (despite pull-ups) and she either has a wet pad or wet clothes during the day 3-4 times a week. So, as you say Ann, it looks as if her continence has pretty much gone. I 'manage' the situation when we are out by taking her to the loo approx every half hour but even that is not foolproof :(

    Monday and Tuesday were quite cool and wet here but today has been lovely, warm and sunny again. Mum has always loved the sea so we had our coffee at a cafe in the High Street, then I drove along the Quay. There were 2 or 3 of the 'tall ships' in the marina but, sadly, they were not under sail.

    I hope everyone else has, likewise, had a pleasant day xx
  19. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Hello all. Ann - I noticed your post was again ultra-early.
    Amy - so identified with what you said. I had the 'nurse held my nose to make me take medication' confabulation. Think that may have related to an orphanage 'memory.'
    Just been seeing my wonderful beautiful (half) sister, who has come over from USA. Much wisdom from her about forgetting all the favouritism he showed my brother and moving on. But now I am encountering huge problems with my father's last resting place as he gave me two conflicting instructions. Ugh! OH has nobly offered to help sort this out.
  20. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    RedLou, that's awful. I don't know what you do, when you're given conflicting instructions? I think that as long as you make a considered decision, that it's okay, even if you aren't able to follow his wishes 100%. That would be especially hard if you don't know what they were.

    One of my relatives completely ignored what her husband had instructed her to do with his remains. At the time I felt upset, that she should have honored his wishes, and "kept her promise." However, in retrospect, what he asked her to do was difficult (and perhaps impossible, given that he didn't give her clear directions or information necessary to carry them out and that where he asked to have his remains interred was likely inaccessible) and also didn't take into consideration that he was almost guaranteed to pre-decease her and she might like to have some input. So she went ahead with what worked for her and almost 20 years later, I have to say that I no longer blame her.

    I also worry about what to do with my mother's remains when she dies. Pre-dementia, she refused to talk about what she wanted done, she has no plan or written requests or plot or anything like that. Post-dementia diagnosis, I don't dare ask her, all mentions of death or funerals distress her immensely. There isn't a clear option, so I will have to make the best decision I can, I suppose.

    So what I'm trying to say, RedLou, is that if you do the best you can, and make a considered decision, that's probably more than adequate. And let your OH help, by all means! Hope you can find a resolution to this situation, and I'm sorry, I can well imagine it's distressing for you, for a variety of reasons.

    Everyone: Apologies for the bad language, I was typing in a hurry and didn't stop to think it might be offensive, and am sorry if I upset anyone. I hope the moderators caught it before I did any damage. I've changed it to a very inoffensive, I hope, "what on earth." Mea culpa!

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