Ann Im so sorry that you are feeling so "bleugh", but Im not surprised - you have been through so much. Quite a lot of the things you describe - especially the bit about everything going round your mind, questioning whether you did the right thing, regretting things that you had done and feeling angry and bitter - sound very much like a form of bereavement. Would it help if you thought of it in that light?I'm with you on the 'running on empty', Amy. That's a pretty accurate way of describing some of how I feel - I've said a few times lately that tackling even just the basics around the house makes me feel as though I'm 'wading through treacle' - so much more effort needed than usual to just get through and do even the routine, every day 'jobs' that I used to fly through. And feeling totally useless and negative - constantly wondering how I am going to manage to carry out this new job, when even tackling the ironing is currently taking a herculean effort. And all I can focus on is going over and over the last 3 years, constantly questioning what I did and if I did right, regretting some of what I did (or didn't) do, feeling both bitter and angry at times - when I should be focusing on the future and getting my head wrapped around starting this new chapter. Even though Mil isn't living here now, she and her care is still the main thing I think about, it still feels like its dominating eveything, still my main topic of converation when I chat with my mates - I wonder if I have anything left to offer, to contribute, when so much of me is still caught up in the last 3 years and in thinking about what happens to her now? I need to move on, and don't know how, I guess. The GP appointment has been made for tomorrow - not exactly sure what I should say to him or how to explain how I feel, never mind what he could possibly do to help even if I can make sense when I go - it seems mad that I should feel so 'bleurgh' only now that the 24/7 care is actually over
I've read a lot of the same posts as you, Slugsta, about family bringing their L.O.'s home for Christmas - I saw it worked for some, but not for a lot of others. I guess its us, as carer's, that have to get our heads round accepting that doing what seems to be the 'proper' and 'kind' and 'right' thing actually may not be the 'best' thing for our L.O's. Even with the evidence right in front of me, even when Mil's behaviour shows clearly that she has had enough, that she just can't cope with prolonged visits at the moment, I still feel awfully guilty when we leave after just 30 minutes, sometimes less. On one level, having decided already that we won't be attempting to bring Mil 'home' for Christmas day seems almost cruel and even selfish. On the other, we all know with 100% certainty, that bringing her here will cause her anxiety and stress, probably confuse her and make her unhappy, will impact on her behaviour and will also make Christmas day not very nice for the rest of us. Writing it down makes sense - thinking about it is not so clear cut!
Didn't go to see Mil yesterday - hadn't slept at all well on Sunday night, and yesterday afternoon I felt so drained that I headed to bed for 3 hours. OH was supposed to go visit her whilst I was sleeping - but didn't 'feel up to it'. Not pleased, because now I feel that I must go today, if only to sort any laundry - and I'll have to fit it in around the shock wave therapy, which left me very uncomfortable last week and I dread the thought of walking from one end of the hospital to the other, in order to fit in both the treatment and a visit to Mil. Youngest is off to her big sisters for the weekend, and OH has announced that it would be 'lovely' if just he and I go off in Old Red for a couple of nights too - and it would be, but that means (to me) that one of us at least should really visit as much as possible this week, if we are not going to see Mil at the weekend. He is on a run of 3 shifts from this evening, so I know he won't be able to go - which means I'll have to do it. And again, its not that I don't want to see her - I actually feel better on the days when I do visit, in an odd way - but its just that even the current half hour visits really throw out the rest of the day.
I'm going to put in another hour on the wedding editing now, then shower, a bit of housework, then off for my appointment and Mils visit (hopefully - there is a good chance that even if I get to the hospital an hour or so early, I may not find a parking space - seeing and hearing an increasing numeber of complaints about people being unable to attend appointments or visit simply because ther eis nowhere to park!). Then back here, sort tea, try and tackle the ironing mountain!
Take care all, and hope you have a good day xxxx