1. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,058
    Female
    Chester
    Home now, OH gone to fetch dog.

    Yes I did have a good time. Need to catch up on Olympics. Soooo Pleased we got medals in canoe slalom - my first sport, we know the guys who got silver in C2 and Fionna Pennie - who raced ladies K1 in canoe slalom, her mum looked after my dau once so I could race. It also means for a tiny sport they keep much needed funding for the next few years.

    Hopefully I'll post later tomorrow, as son to Scouts and dau off to MTB camp.
     
  2. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    Congratulations, Ann. You really deserved something good to happen.
     
  3. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    This will likely be in bits and pieces, apologies for leaving anyone out.

    Slugsta, I realised after the fact that what I said about driving "only" 100 miles would look very different to a UK perspective. I see over and over again on the travel forum I frequent, that over-eager North American visitors to the UK have impossible driving expectations for their UK trips.

    So let me back up and say that compared to the drive to my in-laws' house (450 miles and 8 hours), that the drive to see my aunt and uncle (100 miles and 1.5 hours) is a doddle. It's all motorway and if there's no traffic or construction delays, and if I maybe don't quite obey the speed limit, only 90 minutes door to door. I suppose it is all what you're used to. It's the same drive I used to make for my mother, before she moved into the care home. It always felt a lot longer, when I had to go and take her to the doctor.

    I also have to apologise for the loud cheering for Ann. I think I've been watching too much Olympics and have become used to cheering on my team. (We are all on the same team here, are we not? Go, Team Talking Point! Bring home the gold!) But mostly I was really pleased for Ann's good news.

    I'm really behind in the Olympics and have been trying to avoid spoilers (which basically means no news or Internet) but am pleased to hear Team GB is doing well, and how fun to hear about JM's connection to the canoeing team.

    I'm also not surprised to hear about your cold, Ann. As others have said, it seems that often our bodies wait for us to "let down" before they slap us with a past due bill for stress. Hope you feel better soon. And of course you shouldn't visit MIL while you are sick. Not only could you give them some very unwanted germs, but your resistance will be low and you could pick up something else. Don't let

    Anne, the weeing under the table made me laugh, I won't lie. Experience is a great teacher, they say.

    Slugsta, I was sorry to hear about your mother taking a fall. Hope she is doing okay. Extra washing is not what anyone needs (I know it's only washing but still). I think your instinct about the erratic medication times is a good one. I definitely saw my mother wobbly more than once, when she was (incorrectly) self-medicating and that problem disappeared when she went into the care home. As you say, it certainly can't be helping, even if it isn't the cause of the falls/balance issues.

    Red, you asked how I was doing. I am definitely better than I was and I had a good couple of days with my aunt and uncle, who offered a lot of emotional support. We also had some fun, which has been sorely lacking lately.

    I am still physically and mentally very tired from the three or four or five or however many weeks it was, out with the in-laws. I have a lot of paperwork to sort for my mother and of course nothing happened, while I was out of town. I mean, the bills got paid, but it's all a mess and I have a big issue with some of the finances/investments that I need to tackle and am not sure how to do that. So there is that.

    I also feel sad about FIL's death; normal, I know. I don't feel as though I got closure on that, which is hard, and it was my father's birthday this week (he died in 1998) so I know that stirred up some old emotions as well.

    DH is doing a bit better but is very overworked at the moment, which is not helpful. He says he is "okay" about his father's death but I don't buy it! So that's hard. The work schedule will ease in a month or so but his father will still be dead, if you know what I mean.

    I am also still quite angry with or at or about, I don't know which preposition to use, my mother-in-law. I know it wasn't about me. I know she was under a huge amount of stress and then grief. I know she's had a lot of shocks and loss and stress these past few months. I still don't like how I was treated and I still don't know how to process it and I definitely have no idea how to go forward.

    There is also the issue of how to deal with the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) this year. Last year I felt it imperative to be with my mother on those days, but as her Alzheimer's progresses, her understanding and enjoyment of holidays is diminishing. Her lack of orientation to time has gotten very much worse in the past year. (She often asks me now what month it is, instead of what day it is, and will seem surprised that it is August, despite the weather. I know, I know, no logic is functioning, her brain is broken, she has no short term memory, but it's still often so bizarre, as you all well know.)

    Last year she knew it was Christmas time because there were decorations all over the care home and in her room, but without those prompts, I wonder if she would even know. She also seemed more confused/distressed by presents and gift opening, than pleased. So I am not sure what to do about Christmas this year. Historically, my mother was always very firm that I be with her on Christmas Day (which meant I never spent Christmas with my father until I was in my 20s, but that's another story) and last year, she remembered that, so on the off chance that is still "important" to her, I feel some obligation. It's not easy to know what to do.

    In the meantime, my husband's family has a track record of not communicating in advance about holidays and then coming up with last minute plans that we are supposed to accommodate. I am not playing that game any longer, so I would prefer to come up with our own plan and present it to them ahead of time. (The best defence being a good offence and all that.) I think that trying to have Thanksgiving dinner at my mother-in-law's house, the way we've done it in the past, with my father-in-law now dead, would be horrible and sad and foolish to attempt for any number of reasons. Also I'm reluctant to be under her roof anytime in the near future, if ever, as you may understand.

    So a lot of that is churning around in my head and I'm trying to come to grips with it. I would really like to run away to a beach and to he!! with the turkey and all that. I daresay some of you can sympathise with that!

    So I guess that's how I am.

    I am also procrastinating any number of household chores, some of which I will now go and tackle. I may not feel better, but the bathroom will be cleaner, so off I go. Best wishes to you all.
     
  4. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    And if they try it tell them that you have dedicated 3 years unpaid to looking after your MIL and to keep her out of a NH but th consultant says she needs 24/7 residential care. As they will understand you now need to make up your lost earnings for the mortgage.

    Sometimes you have to tell it like it is even though you would rather poke them in the eye with a stick.
     
  5. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,946
    Suffolk
    Amy, I want getting at you at all. Sorry if I've upset you. You be as loud and noisy as you like!! It's nearly always quiet here, so a change is nice! Though I have been shouting at the Olympic cyclists!
     
  6. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Do it. Take OH on a short restful break. No guilt monsters. No obligations. x

    Ann - I would like to slap that staff member round the cheeks with a wet fish. If it helps you mentally have permission to use the image, alongside the Bizarrite cheerleaders, whenever you encounter proddy-nosed, unimaginative, self-righteous, unempathetic morons like this.
     
  7. Dibs

    Dibs Registered User

    Jun 19, 2009
    1,901
    Hampshire
    :):):)Congratulations Ann:):):) really pleased for you.:) xx
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,180
    Female
    South coast
    Ann - here is an assortment of visual images for you
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    We are all behind you
     
  9. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Spamar! No! Not at all!! You've not upset me in the least, I assure you!!!

    Mostly I was poking fun at myself for acting like one of those stereotypical loud horrible Americans, and also feeling just a little nervous that perhaps I had (unintentionally) offended one of you lovely people by making a reference to (the similar stereotype of) residents of the UK being reserved. No offence, or offense, intended, and certainly none received.

    My impression, from my measly three trips to the UK (mostly all time in spent in London) is that people are, not reserved, but incredibly polite and civilised. Or at least, I have been lucky enough only to have encountered pleasant people.

    And every trip I've ever taken overseas, I've witnessed at least one stereotypical "loud/ignorant American tourist" incident and just been incredibly mortified and wanted to sink into the floor and die. Like the lady with the toilet comment in London. Or that lady at the Eiffel Tower. Or that horrible table of American women in that lovely cafe in Paris. Or the women in the restaurant in Barcelona. You get the idea. I don't want to be That American Tourist!

    So, no harm, Spamar, and I will try to be more careful to indicate when I am being tongue-in-cheek. I am sorry for any misunderstanding. I do beg your pardon. You are all very kind to put up with this very contrite Yank on your boards.
     
  10. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    !!

    First RedLou made me laugh with the "slap round the cheeks with a wet fish" comment and then Canary made me double up with the matching icon (or whatever you call those thingies)!!!

    Ooh, quite like the one poking the other in the eye with a stick as well.

    Thank you for the laughter on a wet, grey Sunday morning.
     
  11. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    (((Amy))) you have a lot of things to process and come to terms with, it will take a while and might never happen completely. I hope you do find a resolution that allows you to move on without crippling anger or resentment.

    Welcome home JM, I'm glad you have a good holiday, you certainly got some good miles under your belt!

    Ann, I wonder if the person you spoke to has any idea of what carers, in general, or you, in particular, go through? I hope that snooty-knickers is soon made aware of just how hard you fought to keep MIL at home with you and how little cause you have for guilt :mad:

    I do hope you soon get shut of this bug soon. What a nice way to start your new job and get to know your colleagues, another thing you could not have considered while MIL was with you!

    We were out at a friend's party last night, late home and I slept for much of the morning. Went to give Mum her meal and took a couple of tubs of ice-cream with me as she ate her last one yesterday. She really enjoyed the lemon curd flavour one, will have to try and get her some more. She has had another nose bleed so I came home with another load of washing - sheets, pillow cases and clothes. It looks as if she might have dripped over several unworn tops whilst trying to clean up. She has had nose bleeds since she was young but is now less able to deal with it, I think I will be asking her GP for an ENT referral to consider cautery (it's a minor procedure that would not need a GA)!

    According to the forecast, we are all in for some warm weather over the next few days. I hope everyone is able to keep cool and comfortable.
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,946
    Suffolk
    Red, just love your choice of words!!

    I actually went out to a concert tonight, first time since last Christmas. It was a jazz one, so a few people up dancing! Another one on a fortnight - John Wilson + orchestra, I'm really really looking forward to that!

    Next door have bought a pup, a chihuahua, black, 4 months old. Think she's got all the family wrapped around her paw already! She's not keen on me, too big and scary, I think!

    Murray going through a bad patch, just about to lose 2nd set, I believe.
     
  13. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Amy......
    ....go girl!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D

    and I can help you tell them where to put the stuffing!!:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
     
  14. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Haha :D

    Hubby has already asked what we will do for Christmas this year, it will be his second without his own mum. I don't think we can make any decisions until much nearer the time!
     
  15. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,990
    Cotswolds
    Wasn't that John Wilson orchestra doing Gershwin at the Proms last week? Brilliant!
     
  16. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Morning all,

    Chuckling at both Red's wonderfully appropriate (and funny) comments, then at Canary's fab icons :D I did find myself wondering after I put the phone down had I picked up on what was said wrongly? But I really don't think I did - there have been a couple of - well, not so much 'digs', I don't think - but little off-sounding, thoughtless comments like that from one or two staff on the ward (mainly the senior staff, not the hands-on front line nurses and support staff). I wonder if some realise just how hard the guilt monster can poke and prod when you can't visit for a few days, for whatever reason? Really don't need anyone else putting their twopennyworth in!

    I think the way you are feeling Amy, is no more than could be expected after such and intense and awful several weeks :( So much to deal with - the sadness at seeing your Fil suffer, then actually losing him. Dealing with your Mil's behaviour, and the very natural resentment and misery that must have caused - and all the while, still knocking yourself out to give every bit of practical help you could. No wonder you still feel so stressed and torn and exhausted! I'm another one who would be saying 'stuff the turkey' and heading to that beach. Good idea, whatever you decide, to warn Mil & co asap that you have your own plans, and I'd be making it clear that they can't be changed! We have talked about Christmas here - albeit breifly - and are hoping that Mil will be settled in residential by then (though its by no means certain - it's really horrible, but as OH says, we are basically waiting for someone to die so that Mil gets a place in the home of our choice!) and have decided that we are not going to risk bringing her to us for the day, and instead will visit for a couple of hours on Christmas morning. We would love to have her here - she has spent all but 2 of the last 26 Christmasses with us, it going to be odd her not being here - but with the 'home fixation and paranoia as strong as it ever was, not only is it going to be horrible for us dealing with that, but we think bringing her back here would add to her confusion and make her worse :( It might make us feel like we have 'done the right thing' if we brought her here - but in this instance what feels 'right' might not actually be 'best', IYKWIM.

    Welcome back JM - glad you had a good time :) Hope you got the kids off to scouts and camp with not too much hassle - would imagine you were absolutely shattered after the journey!

    Grace - another one hoping that everything is going well with the planned op, hun and that you are OK?

    Glad you enjoyed the concert, Spamar - jazz isn't my thing, despite having worked (many, many years ago) at The Bulls Head at Barns (Modern Jazz venue) - but I do love live music, though I rarely get the chance to go and see any these days.

    The cold is all gone - woke up yesterday, sniffle and sneeze free - so went ot see Mil last night, with OH. We just never know what we are walking into when we go to see her, last night not too much upset, but a lot of repeated loops of 'Are you not taking me home? I thought you were? Come on, time we were going home now'. She really has no idea where she is - but oddly, that doesn't seem to particularly upset her. You would imagine that feeling to be at least rather disorientating and perhaps a bit scary, wouldn't you? But although she asked what 'this place' was a couple of times, she seemd almost 'detached' from the answer, expressing nothing more than mild surprise when we told her she was in hospital. She was quite fixed on a small Sesame Street talking toy that was lying around the ward, insisting that it belonged to our daughter, that she had bought it for her and in between that there was puzzlement over where her 'S***' was - though she was quite clear that OH was her son and that he was also called 'S***', she wondered several times where the 'other one was'. And an intense 10 minutes when she asked OH his age and when he replied, she would say 'That's right - because I'm 41' (making her several years younger than her own son) - but then, she would seem to realise that there was something 'wrong' about that idea, although she really couldn't work out what exactly was 'wrong' about it - one of those 'can't connect the dot's' type scenario's. We eventually tried to explain, but all that led to was her saying - 'Well, I can't be 41 then, can I? So I must be 37 !'. The usual wildly confabulated accounts of what she had been up to - she had, she said, been 'travelling up and down the country, all week' which seagued off into a surprising comment about how she hadn't been 'deep sea diving' afterall - it turned out that she had 'only had to swim in a river'. As she can't swim at all, in reality, neither OH nor I had any idea where that one came from. And after about 40 minutes, she was clearly starting to struggle, restless and full of the queries about didn't we have to be somewhere ?, and wasn't it time she went too?, and for the second visit running, when OH asked her if she wanted us to leave, she said 'Yes'.

    The cold may be all gone, but OH collard me for a 'talk' yesterday. He says he is worried about how 'low' I seem to be, telling me that I am really not 'myself'. He's worried about my lack of confidence and how 'dragged down' I am. He's concerned about me not sleeping well and described me as being 'defeated'. He had hoped that me getting the job would boost me up, but now he's more worried about how I am going to cope with all the stress and strains of returning to work, because its as though all the 'stress and strain' of the last several years has suddenly caught up with me. I knew that I was feeling down, but hadn't realised how obvious it was to others - so (admittedly reluctantly) I've agreed to make a GP appointment today. Not that I have any idea what I'm going to say to him. It feels wimpish that now, when the hands on care is over, that I have suddenly crashed. But no matter how many lectures I have given myself, no matter how much I tell myself that this is silly, I really can't shake off how I feel. I'm pleased about the job, I'm happy that oldest is settled somewhere really nice, I can see that we can now get ourselves back to some sort of 'normal' - but its all 'surface' pleased and glad and relieved and doesn't seem to touch the deep down feelings. And I feel so stupid that only now do I feel that I am really, really struggling. So, I'll phone, and I'll go to an appointment if I can get one - but I have no real idea about what the GP can do that might help :(

    Have a good day, everyone xxxx
     
  17. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    I'm popping in once a day atm just to check how you all are, and reading Ann and Amy's posts, I recognise some of where I was in similar circumstances. It is perfectly natural to feel 'down'/'spent'/'running on empty'. This is where the 'take care of yourself' cliche really must be paid heed to. I don't know whether GPs can help, though not a bad idea to check out, but you simply must listen to the inner voice telling you to take time out in whatever way helps. --The thing eventually that helped me was making a forward plan I really wanted to do (OU degree) but I did that at my own pace and you have had the job come quicker than you expected, Ann. The other thing that helped me was booking a holiday. (Hence why I'm encouraging Amy.) Is there any way you can get away properly Ann - I'm not talking Old Red either - I'm talking hotel, someone else cooking, no responsibilities whatsoever. Or go for a massage, or acupuncture??
    And talk it out here. You can tell us endlessly how you feel. I know all you nice people sometimes think you shouldn't say too much 'down' stuff, but it takes time to get over dementia and the same emotions keep cropping up over and over.
    Re Christmas/thanksgiving -- again, a bit of personal experience and it is 'trust your instincts, Luke.' (Said in my best Jedi-master voice.) My story: brother said he would do Christmas (2014) to give me a rest (bless him). I suggested he spend time with Dad during the day at the hospital but take himself, his daughter and his partner out to lunch and I'd pay from Dad's money, 'as it's your Christmas, too.' --In the event, brother decided to take Dad out of hospital to the restaurant with them. From what I gather, Dad found the long meal (hours and about 7 courses) a bit of an ordeal and two days later got a bowel bleed that led to another deterioration and ensured he lost his place at the very nice new dementia CH he was due to be discharged to. (I've never said any of this to my brother but instead denied flatly the bleed was related to the rich meal and wine for obvious guilt monster reasons.) So I'm sure you're both right about Christmas/Thanksgiving. You may be sensing not only what you need, but what your relatives can cope with/privately want.
    --For someone who was bailing out, I seem to be prattling on a lot here! Forgive me - it's weird how much you can care about people you've never met. I always refer to you guys as my TP friends when OH asks me what I'm tapping away on my keyboard. eg 'I'm just saying something to my friends on TP.' *hugs to you all* JM, look forward to hearing how you are.
     
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,946
    Suffolk
    Hi Anne, that's the one. I've recorded the prom, not had time to watch it yet. They're doing Broadway musicals at our local proms on the 28th. It always books out in a flash! I've seen him two or three times before at the same local venue. Looking forward to it immensely.
    More later, hopefully, I've got things to do today and I've not even dressed yet!
    Have a good day, one and all!
     
  19. annebythesea

    annebythesea Registered User

    Past Caring

    Ann, I wonder if you might find it helpful to read the book Past Caring by Audrey Jenkinson. Of course you are still caring (and I don't think you should underestimate how stressful/wearing hospital visiting is - we did it for 2 weeks last year when mil was in and it was exhausting!) but the fact that the caring has stepped down a level may have given an opportunity for all of the last several years to hit you like a ton of bricks.

    I'm sure you will feel better given time, and you have done so fantastically well to get the job that maybe your confidence will start to come back when you are actually there. Hope the gp helps, but the main thing you need may be time - and the PROPER holiday suggestion is a really good one.

    xx
     
  20. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,058
    Female
    Chester
    Son made scout camp and dau made 7.14 train out of Chester this morning and will shortly be in Welsh cycling's care. I'm o train to work. Tired but have to blame Olympics in part. No bread for toast or sarnies. Will tryto update re hol later.
     

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