So bizarre !

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
Me again.

My family could start an argument in an empty room and cause a 10 year rift over a bit of wrapping paper. :rolleyes:

If you need any help ringing around to find the funeral directors let me know, I am happy to help.

Ps. will he hav placed a notice in the paper giving funeral arrangements?
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Listening to some of you talk, it makes me glad I'm an only! Of course, that has its own problems, but at least I don't have to try and keep many other people happy!

Ann, I'm so glad that the DC are taking a sensible view of the POVA stuff. It does sound as if someone made a very large mountain out of a molehill :(

Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain,Ann. I really hope that the Pain Clinic will come up with something to help (other than another of those awful platelet injections!).Here's hoping you have a lovely day at the zoo with your son and his gf (and youngest?). In all this business of trying to placate SD etc, please make sure you take time for yourself, this kind of thing takes a lot of energy.

JKnight, I'm sorry you lost your lovely kitty :( They become so much part of the family, don't they? We had my beloved Chivvy, and his sister, from the age of about 6 weeks. Chivvy had a terrible accident when he was two. He lost a back leg and fractured his jaw in two places. That made him even more 'my baby' and I was devastated when we lost him, at the age of 19, in 2010. His sister stayed with us for a further year before she also crossed the bridge.

We have had Cleo for 3 years. She was my SIL's cat and we took her when SIL and her hubby decided to go travelling again. I spent the first 6 months trying to re-home her as she kept chasing Alfie off - even though he is, literally, almost twice her size! They now live in what I call 'armed neutrality'. They co-exist for the most part but furrycuffs do break out at times.

I am still waiting to hear from the vet - but Cleo is no better and it doesn't look good :(
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
6 weeks, Ann, it'll be if the jab hasn't worked. At least.

I've lost my fav necklace, the one I had made from wedding rings. I've looked everywhere I could think of that I could reach, even back to cases, though I'm sure I've worn it since then. I've emailed a couple of friends to see if I was wearing it when I met them. Unfortunately, I wear a handbag across me, necessary if you have two sticks, and I guess the chain might have broken. I did have a look in the car in case it was on the floor.
I'm hoping I will find it in the first place I looked eventually. At the moment, upset.
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
0
Hello all, I have been reading and keeping up but not able to post till I got a new laptop *shows round shiny (actually matt) new laptop*.

Ann, my sincerest condolences on your Mum’s passing, the finality of loss is hard in any circumstances but when you also have to deal with that ‘if only’ feeling that cannot now be resolved directly it is an added sadness. Re funeral details I would try the local crematoriums – as you say there are lots of funeral directors but there can only be two or three crems that SD could choose from, also try the local paper to see if they have had instructions for an announcement – you could phrase it as “I’m just checking to see if it’s been done”. And I completely agree that you have more than done enough with regards to contacting your sisters, leave that particular issue alone now, it’s done with as much as you need to worry to about, if others feel differently let them run with that. And I too have read up about POVA’s and it seems entirely inappropriate for Mil, not sure whoever initiated that course of action acted correctly.

Not really up to speed on anything else so will only add that Spamar, I am keeping eveything crossed you find your necklace. :(
 

CeliaThePoet

Registered User
Dec 7, 2013
615
0
Buffalo, NY, USA
I'm afraid, from my view, Ann, your SD is already a fresh problem for you, and manipulative in the style of your Mom. I don't know how you, yourself, are feeling at present about being at a service to honor her, but this situation already has the markings of one which will suck you in if you don't set boundaries. Don't chase it, if you can help it, and allow yourself this time to continue to think through what is truly the right role and action for YOU, and you alone. Wishing you peace.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
Hi Slugsta, someone reminded me I was wearing it as a brooch on my jacket And it's still there!!!
I had totally forgotten! Memo to self, take the brooch off the jacket when I get home!!
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
Hi Slugsta, someone reminded me I was wearing it as a brooch on my jacket And it's still there!!!
I had totally forgotten! Memo to self, take the brooch off the jacket when I get home!!

:D

So glad you found it!
 

IzzyJ

Registered User
Aug 23, 2015
86
0
Cotswolds
Hi Slugsta, someone reminded me I was wearing it as a brooch on my jacket And it's still there!!!
I had totally forgotten! Memo to self, take the brooch off the jacket when I get home!!
Spamar, I'm really glad you found it too. I get disproportionately frazzled when I can't find something, even though it almost always turns up. Hooray for whoever was observant enough to notice and remember that you were wearing it! Now you will be able to sleep tonight :)
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
She was OHs last but one carer, and was absolutely excellent. Her mother is my cleaner ( keep it in the family)! We still meet up for coffee on occasion.
Thank you for your concern, it helps on days like today!
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
Thanks Essie and Slugsta. My brain is still not with me, I'm definitely emulating Paddington, a bear with little brain! Unlike him, I'm hoping mine will return some day!
Good nights sleep, thank goodness. Haven't had many of those recently. Am wondering why that's why I haven't been so good the last few days? Maybe next time I have sleep problems it'll be straight for the pills.
My time before Launde has just got busier as a friend is coming down for a couple of days. She's from Leicester!
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Yes, lack of sleep can be responsible for a lot of things, Spamar. I hope you are able to have a few good nights.

The vet phoned around 3pm yesterday. Cleo had severe kidney disease and there was no chance of real recovery. So we felt that the only thing we could do was let her go. After that, waiting would only have been for our benefit, not hers. So the deed was done and we lost her just after 4pm :( RIP little girl.

We took Mum to physio today and she promised she would do the exercises. She has never co-operated with physio for any of her previous problems, even before the dementia! Then hot chocolate and cake before going home. I have put a pad into each pair of knicks that I washed as it doesn't appear that she is using them every day - let's see how she takes to that!

It has been quite grey here for much of the day - but hot and humid. No thunderstorm. Yet.

Am thinking of you all and wishing you well xx
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
Slugsta - so sorry - losing a beloved pet leaves a big hole in the day and its simple joys.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
So sorry, Slugsta, on the loss of Cleo. I've had to make the decision on 2 dogs in the past, and it's never easy.

(((((Hugs))))
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
Hello everyone :)

Essie, nice to see you back :) xxxx

Spamar, so glad the necklace has turned up for you - what a relief! x

Oh, Slugsta - I am so sorry about little Cleo - sending massive {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} Losing a much loved pet leaves such a huge gap in your life, I know - its heartbreaking xxxx

I don't quite know where to start now! OK - first - the funeral. Finally got hold of SD (who claimed to have been trying to ring, yet his number didn't show even once on the call log!) - anyway, he has given me the information needed. The funeral is next Wednesday, at the crematorium. Still waiting for confirmation that oldest can get the day off work - youngest has an exam on that day, but we have had permission for her to sit it at midday, and will go straight to the service after picking her up - that was her choice, she knows that whatever she chose to do was OK. That actually works out possibly better in a way - SD wanted us all at the house to leave together, but I feel that's another potential point where there could be a kick off, so I'm happy to avoid it. My Mum's coffin is going to SD's house the night before - I suspect that it will be for people to see her for the last time. Youngest does not want to see her (she terms the whole idea of viewing someone after they have died as 'gross'!) so again, her exam helps us avoid that for her, without the risk of causing offence. Son is also going, but will be leaving directly after the service as he has a meeting with his disertation 'adviser' late that afternoon, so has to head back to uni - though he will be home again that night. SD also let me know that 'family flowers' are expected - how stupid is it that till that point, I hadn't even thought of flowers! After talking it over with OH and kids, just because on balance it felt like it was the right thing to do, I've organised a wreath -I'll pick it up on the morning, and I'll go by myself to SD's house to leave it there, and to see him and brother before the service - hoping that will appease them too. Unexpectedly, one of my nieces has been in touch to say that she fels she would like to go and could I ask SD if that would be OK? (Her Mum is the sister who flatly refuses to attend) - SD was actually really pleased that she wants to be there, and that seems to have appeased him over my sister not going, thankfully. Yet another sister (my half sister, who I am actually really close to and have the most contact with) who lives in Ireland and who is also not attending, has also contacted me to warn me that brother is apparently not happy about the cremation, but feels as though he has been railroaded into it - she feels that there will be a blow up between him and SD and had wanted me aware of it so I can avoid getting 'dragged in' as she put it. All I am hoping for is the chance to say a quiet and dignifed 'Goodbye' and then leave. If that means leaving right after the service and not going to the pub, then that's what I'll do - all it will take is one hint of any trouble from bro or SD, and we will be off!. I feel 'comfortable' with what I have decided to do/not do and quite happy to accept that if SD, brother or anyone else has an issue with my choices, then that's up to them and I won't feel guilty or have regrets about my actions. I have considered their feelings as well, as much as I feel I should, which as OH says, is quite probably more than they have done for me.

Now on to Mil! OH and I went to the meeting, more than half concerned that there would be some sort of a curve ball thrown at us. OH was sure that there would be pressure to have her home within a day or so - I was just 'ready for anything'. Awful as it sounds, neither of us expected them to be absolutely honest about what she is like. We got quite a shock, though not a nasty one. The last med she was on, the memantine, was finally stopped (after being reduced in tiny increments over the last 2 - 3 weeks) yesterday. All that's left is an anti-depressent that they feel could well be helping, and the prn med, which works - but they warned us, not instantly. It takes up to an hour or maybe a little more to calm her down. They cannot find a med that works quickly, Mil is surprisingly resistent - as we know for ourselves - to a lot of the sedative type drugs available. The consultant then passed over to the ward manager, who is on the ward all the time when he is on duty. The WM told us that there is still paranoia and fear, which they see mainly towards the evening (sundowning) where Mil frequently gets 'very agitated' over men coming to kill her, shoot her, etc - wanting to leave, wanting her husband/parents. He also said that they sometimes encounter her getting cross at being woken - commenting that 'she really likes her bed, and really doesn't like getting up!'. In between, she was described as 'very settled', that she gets involved with a lot of the ward activities, and seems quite 'happy and content'. He quickly pointed out that her calm periods, if they continued at home (should she come home) would coincide with DC and that if she came home, we would be the ones dealing with both the sundowning and the sometimes early morning difficult behaviour - and added that it is still 'very difficult', she does still sometimes get 'very upset', and that it could be very intense. The consultant also chipped in with saying that they really don't know to what extent the meds are responsible for the day time calmness and content that they are seeing - he pointed out what a lot of you have pointed out - that the ward environment, where she doesn't have to leave to go to DC, where there is a very structured routine, could be helping her a lot too. Along with the fact that there are staff to 'share' her care when she gets upset, which makes dealing with it less stressful than it would be if just one individual had sole care, and that it doesn't give Mil the chance to focus on getting upset with just one 'carer'. So it may well be that the 'environment' has had more to do with managing her needs and behaviour than the medication changes. However, as he pointed out, until we actually take her home, we wouldn't/couldn't be sure of any of that. There was/is a chance, particularly if it is the meds, that she could be even more settled at home. But it was clear that everyone there doubted it.

So, here is what they have advised. In 2 weeks time Mil is coming home. BUT its for a trial period of 'about 2 weeks', her bed will be kept on the ward, she will remain under the section 3. Day care will be in place as before. If it seems that its working, that she is better at home, that we are coping OK, that 'trial period' can be extended. But if we feel that no, she is worse, that being home doesn't provide the structure that helps her, then she will be re-admitted until a suitable placement can be found for her - if that happens, then its obviously the structure that is what's needed to 'manage her needs' and the consultant feels that it would not have to be an EMI nursing home that is specifically needed, EMI would probably be enough. Which gives us far more choice. The consultant also said - first time that they have even mentioned this - that if she goes into a home, she would be fully funded.

I can't begin to describe the relief that both OH and I feel. For a start, it was instant justification that we have been right to fight and argue and stick to our guns over the whole insisting on a proper assessment. It really feels that they have finally had chance to see what the issues are and that they have now had to address them properly. It also feels like we have absolutely done everything, explored every single option that there is, in order to care for Mil. If it works out that she can stay at home - great. If it doesn't, I really feel that we simply couldn't have done any more to at least try and keep her with us, that we have done everything we possibly could have done, to do our best for her and - more importantly - what is right for her. I think the hospital expect us to have to go down the care home route - we also are well aware that that is a very likely outcome, what you guys and what they have said about environment and structure makes sense - but knowing we have a much greater choice now over where she might go (if necessary) is a massive relief, along with knowing that we will probably be able to keep her local - knowing that makes it a lot more acceptable to us than the idea was previously. If it does end up with the care home option, I guess then there will be a different set of battles ahead - I've read enough posts on TP to know that 'residential' absolutely dose not mean the end of caring, simply that there are different issues to face. I'll also need to find out about this 'funding' - specifically, if there is a time limit on it, if it can be withdrawn, if there are reviews that happen that might lead to it being withdrawn - Mil has enough to self fund for about 18 months - what I don't want is for us to get to the end of that period, if funding can be and is ever withdrawn, and possibly face a situation where the LA say that where she is is 'too expensive' and she will have to move - I'd rather know in advance, if possible, what at least some of the potential outcomes might be!

The next few days, I intend to just try and relax. It feels like the last two weeks especially, have been quite unreal and really 'full on'. I want a bit of just 'plodding along' for a little while, to get the funeral over, to sort out preparing for Mil coming home - its going to be strange going back to a toddler proof house! - and hopefully, give myself a bit of a rest to see if this stupid hip will ease.

Again - a massive, huge and heartfelt 'Thank you' for every single bit of advice, support and good wishes from you all. These last couple of months feel like they have been a particularly rocky part of our dementia journey, and I know I have said it before, but every one of you have helped me far more than you may ever realise. Thank you xxxxx
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
Well, that all sounds quite positive. Question: how is MiL's mobility (stairs?) and what if your hip is still hurting in two weeks time?
Has there been any indication that you will be fit to care for her then? (Because it seems to me you aren't now. Not without possibly compromising your own health and mobility.)
If the bed is kept open, how quickly can she be readmitted? IE If you find yourself unable to cope with bed change/kicking off in the morning, can she go back that day?
Your post is, as always, all about MiL's needs - we're here, in a way, to remind you of yours. It's a crying shame you can't just relax over these weeks without having to research funding/get things ready for MiL's return. Is it a possibility to ask them to postpone it so you get another month off to recover?
 
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Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Morning ...

Oh Slugsta, I am sorry to hear about Cleo xxxx

AnnM.... Thank goodness they are listening to you, and MiL finally has a plan.
Are they going to do a Home Visit before the two week stay?
As RedLou mentioned, stairs? you really should see her using them.(not hospital stairs).


I don't feel well today, just feel 'off'. Woke at 5 with bad stomach cramps, took 2 tabs , went back to bed.
Now feel a bit lightheaded, and I think I'm feeling a bit 'cold'...
Didn't eat much (grazed) yesterday, wasn't my usual self. I should of realised.

I've been racing about, I don't do well in the heat/ humidity. Feel a bit sickly.


Saw my GP nurse, and she suggested a plan.
Wait till end of month, and if the first knee surgeon has not got back to me...(not answered emails)...
then go with the 'new' surgeon in my local hospital.
I said I don't like to make a fuss, complain.... she told me I should !!

Sooooo..... she is going to ring me (its in her diary, saw her do it) at the end of the month, and if the first Doc hasn't been in touch, start things in motion to fast track me.

She also said she has helped another patient (with the paperwork) who was like me not wanting to complain.
I said I was worried about it, and she said if I don't complain then this will keep happening.


I've been looking in on you all. Sorry if I've missed any news.
Going to have a day of rest. No cleaning , tidying.... which is hard for me .
 

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