1. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    Ann, lots there to potentially comment on although I feel I have nothing to offer (except more hugs and supportive vibes through the ether) However, did occur to me that maybe you could set up a divert from your landline to a mobile? Just thought that would remove the added frustration of having to be at home to avoid missing any calls.
    Take care (and well done Mr Mac) xx
  2. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    For what it's worth, Ann, I think you have approached this (particularly the respite CH) exactly right - straight, information-seeking, not accusing. It means you have all the high ground for when you take this higher, as I'm afraid you will have to. You are much more aware of these things than ever I was, but do you think the bang on her head could have triggered a TIA, or series of them, given the sudden physical and mental decline? All the more need for proper assessment including a scan - but the upset and difficulty of getting her through that is - well, you know!
    I would have thought the now-holidaying consultant would have asked about the bruising too. And the CPN who doesn't work Friday's. And the CH manager. I used to think that actually 'invisibles' referred just as much to the professionals who should have been available, as to any family who weren't!
    So delighted about Mr Mac's success. I know the 6 week residential training is an impossible thought at the moment, but it will come right, it really will.
    Xx Ij
  3. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    Izzy is right, I was so mad for you yesterday I would have blasted the CH myself, you will achieve more with your measured approach. I can't begin to wonder how you are feeling right now. The decline in MIL is very worrying tho.
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    I must admit I thought Tia as well, Izzy. Which would explain the sudden change. But it's certainly not acceptable re head and dentures!
    Just back from a hectic day with iPad and camera needing charging! Now dinner time, so will catch up thread later.
    Ann, and Mr Mac (((((hugs)))))
  5. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Thats a good idea, about diverting the calls, Celia - thank you x

    I'm certainly wondering if the bang on the head could be the cause of Mils deterioration, Izzy - or it may be that a TIA or small stroke could have caused the bruising if she fell due to that. Its why we need the info - not to be awkward, but simply so we can work out what's happened, for medical purposes :(

    I doubt if the CPN even knows about the bruising, no idea about the managers at the respite home - the main manager had already left for the day by the time we went to pick Mil up, and she was on leave the next day - the assistant manager I spoke to didn't indicate that she knew what had happened, she told me she would have to 'find out and get back to me'. (still waiting for that, btw). As for the consultant, we spoke to him about the bruising and the deterioration in Mils walking in particular, and he simply said that it seemed to be typically 'Parkinsons gait' which appeared worse than when he last saw her, but shrugged it off as 'these things can happen'. I said I was concerned at what may have happened to cause the bruising, explaining that the respite home had so far seemed unable to tell us, and again, it was brushed aside :(

    And yep - 'Invisibles' just about describes a lot of the professionals you encounter!

    Hi Spammer - yep, I've said to OH that I am wondering about stroke/TIA, but as I said, when we raised it with the consultant, it didn't seem that he was concerned :( I hoipe you are having a fab time in NZ, hun - will catch up with your post properly as soon as I can xxxx
  6. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Poor MiL, it does sound as if she has had a rough time, I think your calm communication with the CH was the most sensible thing to do, though their's does not sound very professional.

    Really pleased to hear that Mr Mac has done so well, the 6 weeks residential training may seem daunting to you at the moment but think of it as securing your future.

    Hoping you hear something about the assessment bed soon xxx.
  7. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    A really bad situation. I feel for you Ann.

    It occurs to me that you would be entirely justified in calling for an ambulance because of a huge decline in her physical state following a very obvious bang on the head. At the least, they should take her into hospital to find out if brain damage has been caused or even a stroke.
  8. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    #4868 RedLou, Apr 16, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2016
    Or the other possibility is that a TIA triggered the fall. [Edit - you posted as I was writing.] I know with my father I felt some of his dramatic 'fainting' falls were TIAs -- although only in retrospect. I don't think being accusatory with the CH is going to get you anywhere so your approach was bang on, as always. You are brilliant at negotiating the obstacle course of British dementia care and deserve so many pats on the back.

    Nor do I think it is 'awful' to plan for life after MiL. You'd be inhuman if you didn't, because sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is thinking "this, too, will pass," and then of course the guilt monster comes along because the stress passing also means the pwd passing. However, as I've said before, I often hoped, prayed even, that my father would simply go to sleep and not wake up. & that is purely compassion and love. The same as it is always compassion and love that will ensure my elderly dogs don't suffer the way we make our humans suffer in our brave new world. --Sorry. Lurching off into controversial territory here.

    May I suggest, you leave OH in charge/phone minding for a few hours this weekend and take yourself off to zoo/shopping trip/massage - whatever floats your boat???
  9. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    Great plan, RedLou! Something that fills Ann's brain with other stuff.
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Maybe controversial but we none of us hate seeing our loved ones suffer dementia.

    I think you do need to get out Ann, even if you are so stressed it takes time to enjoy it, zoo will be nice and sunny now.
  11. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK
    Morning AnnM....

    I was wondering , can MiL get herself up without any help if she falls or has a stumble?
    Someone ?staff would have to have got her up surely, and should of made a note of any incident.
    What about 'the accident report'? Are they allowed to take photos of bruising?
    Are MiL knees bruised as well as her head?
    Did they use a bed rail to stop MiL climbing out at night (to stop her wandering)?

    The missing teeth is totally unacceptable.
    When my husband was in hospital having had (I cant remember which) another TiA or seizure, he 'tidied' someone's teeth and denture pot that had been left in the bathroom. Husband did not have false teeth.

    He had a habit of taking everything that was left in the hospital bathroom and claiming it was his.
    When the staff finally tracked them down, they were cross with him (knowing he had VaD)
    and asked him why he had done it. He said he thought they were his !!

    I wonder if you would be allowed to claim on the Care Home insurance for MiL missing teeth?
    Its not as though they lost a jumper or pair of trousers.
    Teeth are expensive to replace. (I don't have false teeth , no idea of price) .

    IF MiL goes in for respite again, I would make sure you tall the CH you or someone will be popping in to see her at some point before you will be picking her up.
    How dare they leave MiL looking dishevelled and uncared for :(

    Keeping my fingers crossed a bed is found .

    Take care xxxx
  12. Earthgirl72

    Earthgirl72 Registered User

    Feb 2, 2016
    Words still fail me, I only wish that there was something I could say, or do, that would help in any way.

    I really hope that something positive happens soon.

    Sam x
  13. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Thinking of you, Ann, and sending love and stength.

    Yes, you were totally right to tackle the CH in a calm manner, simply requesting information. The state MIL was in when you found her was not acceptable. I have worked in enough of these places (mostly at night) to recognise the difference between 'busy' and 'negligent'. I it distressing, in many ways, to think that MIL might have been deliberately left uncared for, with all efforts going to make things look OK on the final day :mad:

    Yes, I have also wondered if the fall was caused by a TIA/small stroke - or vise versa. I tend to the opinion that a scan would possibly not be in MIL's best interest as it is unlikely that it would change anything at this stage (unless she continues to deteriorate). However, that is not my decision to make!

    Ann, you have done so well looking after MIL all this time. You have done more than many other people could have managed, with little thought for yourself despite your own physical problems. And now is the time you are saying 'enough', which is perfectly reasonable for everyone's sake. I hope and pray that you are heard by the people who can do something to help

    It is perfectly proper to look to the future and secure OH's ability to earn a living.That is realistic, not selfish or uncaring. However, something has to be done to make that residential course possible. Going away and leaving you to look after his mum will not be possible unless she is considerably better than she is now. Whether that is achieved by new medication, paid carers, respite care or long term CH (or a combination of things) is yet to be seen.

    Sending more ((((hugs))))
  14. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Still thinking of you and holding your hand tight

    Others are more eloquent than myself at the moment, but I agree with all their words of wisdom and support to you.

    Hoping these next few days are as bearable as possible for you all and that you get some time for yourself

  15. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    #4875 2jays, Apr 16, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2016
    Juggles your pm box is full xx

    Edited: juggling mum :D your inbox is full :D
  16. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I am just now getting caught up with TP as we have been a bit busy (me with a part time temporary job that has turned into full time and no end in sight, my husband with work, a cat needing dental surgery, and my FIL, after some weeks of being unwell, has just been diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis is not good) but that's no excuse.

    Ann, I'm shocked and appalled and mostly at a loss for words. But I am so, so, so very sorry to hear the updates and how they've jerked you around (hope that's not rude in the UK; it's a colloquialism in the States to say that you've had poor treatment) and it's really just incomprehensible.

    I am even more sorry to hear about poor MIL, the dreadful conditions at respite, and her subsequent decline. I am also wondering if a TIA or even UTI could have caused her to fall and exhibit the decline, but it may be impossible to tell.

    A very large squashy hug from the far side of the Atlantic to you, Ann, and all the Mac family. And greetings to everyone else, too, and apologies for not having time to respond properly.

    Ann, I'm not sure what to hope for, for you and MIL and the situation, but I do know you need something. We are all thinking of you.
  17. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    A brief update and some good news.

    A completely unexpected phone call at 2.30, telling us that there was - finally - a bed for Mil. We could bring her in as soon as we liked. She had only just consented to having a wash and getting dressed - so good timing! Both OH and I explained what was happeneing and reminded her she had consented. She was very - I think 'detached' is the right word - agreeing but then seconds later off into some delusion or confabulation which told us that whatever we were saying wasn't really sinking in. Just before we left, she suddenly told me she couldn't go as OH wouldn't be able to visit her. Not when he was taking 'those children' abroad to France. She had better leave it. I fudged and blustered, and got her downstairs and we gathered up the pre-packed case and stuff needed and got her in the car.

    Even when we arrived, she was very much of the opinion that we were either dropping her off for work or just 'stopping here' on the way to that 'other place'.

    Getting her booked in was a lengthy procedure - it included a 'body map' examination, where they noted every bruise and bump. She is ALWAYS covered in bruises, but even so, I was very glad that those in evidence were about 3 or 4 days old and she was in respite when she aquired them! Filling in the 'About me' at home was something I was so glad that I'd done, as everything was soooooooooooooo long winded. We were asked about food preferences at one point - despite all the info in the 'about me' booklet - and Mil, politically correct as always informed them that she doesn't like 'foreign muck' :rolleyes: When offered a cuppa, she was quick to demand a biscuit to go with it - which gave both OH and I the chance to hammer home about her sweet tooth and her diabetes. A medical exam had them querying were we sure she has COPD and Diabetes as her results were so good. The last hurdle was us being collard by a junior doctor who wanted to know WHY we had brought her to hospital :confused:

    Throughout, Mil was the 'Hostess with the Mostess' - but both OH and felt she wasn't really grasping what was happening. As became clear when we were leaving. We hadn't told her that she was stopping overnight! No - she didn't know that was going to happen. One nurse distracted, whilst another let us out of the door - last thing we were asked was did we want them to let her ring us whenever she wanted. We said No - not unless they were happy to be calling us every 3 or 4 minutes, which is what would happen if she thought she could get access to a phone - and not if they wanted to risk her dialling 999 when she wanted her own way about something.

    Got home about half an hour ago, and am making something for us to eat - both OH and I feel totally drained. We are worried but are both certain we are doing the right thing. I'll phone tomorrow morning and we'll visit tomorrow afternoon.

    Will let you know how its going - just please, fingers crossed everyone, that this really helps her xxxxx
  18. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I read that and let out a HUGE sigh of relief for all your sakes Ann.
    Thank goodness something is happening at last.
  19. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    :D:D:D:D Dancing a jig in my head for you. Please take time to rest and relax.
  20. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    oh phew, thank God things are moving in the right direction at last.


Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.