1. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    Morning Ann. One of the reasons I follow your thread is because your MIL's has so many incidents that I have lived through with Mum.

    Mum would ask for her father, be told to think about it, oh yes he is dead, hardly draw breath and ask was he visiting her today.

    Mum would ignore anyone who didn't fit into her world. For days I could be someone she went to school with and seemed to have appeared to live rent free.

    You may find that your MIL may wake up one morning unable to walk. You may not but it might be as well to prepare for the worse.

    Have they said she has LBD or just mixed?
  2. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Good morning, like JM, I don't seem to have posted for a while. Thought it time to let you know I'm still here and reading every day!
    I found my first grey hair at 26, it's been downhill ever since. My streaks are white on my fair hair, so I just say it's sun-bleached! I used to work outside a lot, both for work and at home, gardening, so that was my excuse!
    Have you sorted the paperwork now, JM? Mine is done! Yippee! Though I still have to do house to my name and land registry. Doesn't seem important at the moment, though!
    Ann, hoping you have a good mil hassle-free Mothers Day today! Pix fantastic, btw.
    Doing a first next week, going out for a meal in the evening, by myself! It's a Moroccan evening at one of the local cafes I frequent. She has these meals every month, so thought I might try. I have no objection to having coffee or light lunch by myself, but never seems right in the evening, somehow. Roll on 15th, will let you know how it goes!
    Well, having spent nearly 2 hrs sitting here reading the paper and the iPad, maybe I feel fit enough for a shower now ( need painkillers to kick in so I can stand for the requisite amount of time!).

    Have a good day one and all!
  3. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    #4483 Ann Mac, Mar 6, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2016
    reedysue, I was stuggling to cope yesterday. Some days the repetativeness just goes over my head, but other days it really gets to me - yesterday was one of those days, by late afternoon, I'm afraid :(

    And Happy Mothers day to you and all other Mums and carers out there, Red xxx. I honestly forgot what day it was till youngest just came down and presented me with a card, some Lush goodies and some gorgeous scented candles.

    Huge similarities between your Mum and Mil from what you write lemony - in the way you explain that your Mum ignores people who didn't fit into her world, that fits maybe with Mil ignoring youngest and me at times. And the ignoring facts that don't fit in with what she wants to believe, just almost agreeing for the sake of it, then blithely carrying on as if nothing has been said. I will bear in mind about the walking - as you say, you just don't know what is next! We've been told (now) LBD and parkinsons - however, come the next 'locum' and that could all change!

    Mil has been up, initially calling me Mum, wanting food and drink. Whilst I was making her brekkie, she picked up the local free paper. The headline said 'Vicious yobs leave broken bottles on football pitch' - Mil tutted in disgust and read out to me 'Vicar's jobbies lead broken battles on football path . I wonder what she thought it meant? Did she understand the headline, and simply get the words wrong when she read it out loud? Or did what she read out somehow make sense to her?

    Once she had eaten and had her meds, she decided to head back to bed, stopping on route to ask youngest about my son now being married (?). Hoping she will have another couple of hours sleep at least :)

    Edited as crossed posts with Spamar :) Hope you enjoy the Morroccan evening - it sounds like fun :D xxxx
  4. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    stopping on route to ask youngest about my son now being married (?). Hoping she will have another couple of hours sleep at least

    I found Mum slipped generations so I became her aunt who grew up with her father or a cousin. It sounds like MIL is doing the same. in her head she is only 25 or so which could make your daughter and her siblings or brothers child.

    There was only me (good user name :p) to visit Mum so I spent a lot of the time unpicking her confusion. I was lucky that we spent a lot of time in the past talking about relations so I could often pick up on her thoughts and run with it. Her poor carers didn't stand a chance.
  5. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    It sounds like a rather mixed bag for you Ann, I hope you were spared more upset later.

    Sorry to hear about the choking episode, it sounds scary! As you know, my Mum is not nearly as far down the path as your MIL and she doesn't have the chewing/swallowing issues that many people get with advanced dementia. However, the amount of food that she puts on the fork/spoon sometimes is nauseating, I have to look away. It would be no surprise if she had a choking episode as a result!

    Spamar, I hope the Moroccan evening goes well. I can understand that going out on your own for dinner is a daunting prospect! I hate eating on my own in public. I'm nowhere near as big as I used to be, but I still imagine people looking at me and thinking 'Just look at what she's eating, no wonder she is so fat!' I Don't know why it is different when I am on my own - having company doesn't stop anyone else from thinking that (if they are not too busy thinking about themselves anyway).

    We popped in to see Mum, gave her a card and some chocs but didn't stay long - she was clearly anxious to get back upstairs to her friend. Then we went to the station to pick up our son - which was supposed to be a 'surprise' visit, but I had sussed them out about 10 days ago :D We had a mexican lunch and then coffee and pud elsewhere before putting son back on the train to London. The plan had been to go to an ice-cream place, at my request, but it was packed, noisy and people queueing for tables, so we decided to save that for another time.
  6. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    The 'skipping generations' makes sense , Lemony. Its very rare, these days, that she has any idea that our kids are her grandchildren, and when OH isn't her husband, he is nearly always her brother - oddly though, she usually gets his name right, although none of her actual brothers had the same name as him. I know her brothers and her parents names, but the vast majority of her family (apart from us) live in Ireland, and though I've met a few of them, there are so many of 'em, that even OH struggles to pin point who is who! All her brothers were a good bit older than Mil, most had had several kids before she left Ireland (and she would have had a lot to do with them) but even so, in total, one brother had 9 sons, another had 10, plus a daughter - and the other brother had at least two or three households going, besides his actual wife and children, and I don't think even pre-dementia, Mil knew exactly how many nieces or nephews he had provided her with! So sorting out who she thinks we are is pretty much impossible at times :confused:

    I'm as certain as I can be that the choking was purely down to the size of the piece of meat she had attempted to eat, Slugsta, not any issues with swallowing (I hope). Like your Mum, Mil does tend to put quite a large amount into her mouth, and she also tends to eat as quickly as she can, most of the time - you would swear she is worried that the food will be taken off her if she doesn't eat it quickly, and she bolts it down. I'm surprised, to be honest, that we don't have more episodes like that, purely down to the size of the mouthfuls and how quickly she tries to swallow them down!

    The lunch out with your son sounds lovely, even if you did rumble the surprise :D OH cooked here, giving me a nice break, and my oldest two both phoned - they couldn't make it home again after the previous weekend, sadly, but that was OK - at least I have seen them recently :D Mil was amazed it was Mothers day, actually seemed very pleased with both the fancy china mug from the kids, and the new PJ's from OH and I - but had completely forgotten what day it was within a few minutes and made no further reference to it - in fact, serving her a cuppa in her new mug, a couple of hours later, I was treated to an account of what a pretty cup it is and how she had bought it herself, from Mold Market!

    We had another very confused day, with non-stop fretting and rambling from Mil. A lot of 'home', a lot of confusion about who myself and OH are to her, and a lot of her talking about the 'other couple' she was adamant that she usually lives with, same names as OH and I, look like us and live in a house like ours, but at various times, Mil insisted that they were my in-laws (?) or her cousins nephew and niece(?). Lots of times during the day, the things she said were so convoluted and contradictory that you couldn't even pretend to understand her, and no chance of providing the answers she wanted as you had no chance of knowing what she was talking about. She started talking about a woman she knows, told me it was my sister in law, then contradicted herself, saying 'No, not sister in law - who would I be Ann, if I was married to your brother, but had a boyfriend behind his back and that man had a sister, what would that make him to your sister in law, it would be his mother, wouldn't it? Its her I'm talking about. Whats her name?'. I just couldn't unscramble it at all. She would pester OH to take her home, then the next minute would call me over to ask very pathetically if she couldn't stay 'just one more night, till I sort myself out'

    Late afternoon, and she simply was unable to be quiet - couldn't distract her with TV or film or anything else - a constant stream of questions and queries, all very strange, a lot of hand wringing and tears. One minute she was asking about our daughter's 'parents', adamant that her Mum and Dad run a shoe shop (?), the next she was fretting about the blouse she said she had given me, that had £10 in the pocket. Repeatedly asking if OH and I were married and then asking why he had married me and not her, but no actual 'nasty' edge to it. Lots of 'But no one ever told me that you two were married/that I had a son/that I had grandchildren' type comments. I was under orders to 'put my feet up' for the day and enjoy my book, but I simply found myself reading the same page several times, as she just couldn't stop. OH tried to persuade her to go and have a sleep or a rest in her room (as much to give me some peace while he was cooking, as to try and give Mil some 'quiet' time to hopefully calm down the confusion) but she was up and down the stairs constantly. Not much outright nastiness towards me, a little bit of 'blanking' me, but a lot of whispering to OH , along the lines of 'Can you take me home now while Ann's not looking', or 'Get me a biscuit, but don't tell Ann' :rolleyes:

    It was a really wearying day, especially late afternoon and evening with the constant jumping from one thing to another and never being quiet, but we didn't get any bad sundowning or 'tantrums', which makes a change for a Sunday, and again, once she was in bed, she stayed put - though I admit that 9 o'clock seemed to take an awful long time to arrive last night!

    Not much on today, hopefully seeing my friend who is calling round for a cuppa and a chat this afternoon and just the usual 'house jobs' this morning. Hoping Mil's confusion has eased off this morning, so hard to get her washed and dressed as all she can focus on is the jumble in her head when she is like that - we are getting more and more of these totally confused and rambling periods now, where we have stretches of time where she doesn't make much sense - another downward step, I'm certain, rather than any infection, as they started several weeks ago and are gradually becomming more frequent :(

    Hope you all have a good day xxxx
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Ann, could the 'skipping generations' thing occur when Mil simply cannot process the concept of being a mother, it's just too much to take in and deal with, the idea that she is somebody's Mum? So, aware of some 'connection' but not able to grasp the Mum thing, she settles on relationships that are more of equals, brother and sister, boyfriend and girlfriend etc. where she is an adult (mostly) but not an old lady?

    Sympathies on your day of 'motor-mouth-Mil' - exhausting for you all, I wonder if this is how she is when she is so hot and bothered at the end of the day at DC, constant chatter and, at DC, constantly motoring around looking for someone to ask all these questions of as they wouldn't be the captive audience you and OH are?

    Spamar, you are being hugely brave, good luck and hope the meal is lovely.
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Thanks, Essie. I wouldn't put it like that, just that I have a life to live, with restrictions ( arthritis) and want to get out more! Not being able to walk has taken a good deal of pleasure away from what I thought retirement would be, so have to compromise!
  9. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Motor mouth syndrome...

    Ann, your description of MIL's being unable to stop talking certainly rings bells with me. I usually have it practically all day and often through bedtime and beyond, but it's not so much non stop questions as non stop "thinking aloud" with questions thrown in for debate. He seems to enjoy finding things that I can't avoid contradicting, almost as though he wants to get into an argument. What I think he wants is to be having a two way conversation of some sort, doesn't matter what the subject is as long as he's in a conversation. If I ask him to be quiet just for a moment as I'm trying to think, he flies off the handle with remarks such as " well, I might as well go out and jump in front of a bus then, as nobody wants to talk to me. I might as well be invisible".

    . I think that must be something that people with Dementia really do feel, especially when other people are talking to each other, and they can't keep up. My husband was having a lovely birthday on Friday with family visiting for tea, but he became unhappy when everyone was talking. Our teenage grand daughters speak very fast, and he can't follow anything they say. Nor can I sometimes! For him, he's overloaded, and feels frustrated.

    Interestingly, I discovered this morning that he could keep up quite well watching on TV a Parliamentary Committee. Each person speaks clearly and in turn, with no interruptions and no bellowing.
  10. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Well I'm sticking with brave Spamar!

    With regards to your arthritis I've just have a look at the Arthritis UK website and although they mention it they appear quite dismissive and negative about the role certain foods play in the condition but from personal experience I would say quite the opposite - the foods they list - the nightshade family group, are all ones that I (and many other people) never eat as they make me extremely ill (not arthritis, my reaction is more immediate than that) but my OH also avoids them as he was starting to have arthritis-like symptoms a few years ago but since cutting out these foods is completely fine now.

    There is a lot of info on the Internet about nightshade intolerance, if you are really suffering with your arthritis you could do worse than check it out and try a nightshade-free diet (not the easiest thing though, tomato paste seems to be a ubiquitous ingredient in just about everything, I even found it in a cake recently!)
  11. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    #4491 Spamar, Mar 7, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2016
    Hi Essie, thanks for the comments.
    I believe my arthritis is my mothers gift! She had a hip replacement when she was 54, practically unheard of in 1971. I did manage to last until I was 57 before my 2 joint replacements!
    Interested about the solanaceae free diet. I don't actually eat much of those products. Potatoes, well, I've thrown away more than I've eaten recently, not over keen on tomatoes, do eat a few peppers in stir fries, rarely eat chillies, never eat aubergines. What I did notice that my arthritis got worse as OH progressed with dementia. However, although I did feel a bit better after he died, it didn't last long. Hoping time might heal a bit. Unfortunately it's in hands and feet amongst other places, so just can't walk very far - and I used to walk miles, both for pleasure with the dogs we had then, and work. I have lost 1 1/2 stone, but seem to have stuck. Tell myself it'll be easier in the better weather.

    Rarely eat cake these days either, that's trying to lose weight for you. Also few processed foods either. Felt better after cutting down on them! I must say.

    Glad something is working for you! The rheumatologist I saw recently tells me it's all osteo, though I was previously told I have some psoaritic as well. No rheumatoid, thankfully, though the markers increase a little with every blood test.
  12. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Wow! That's so good Spamar, that will help with everything.

    I agree about processed foods, we are all so much better without them, they are the curse of the modern age. I simply cannot eat them which in a way makes it easier as it isn't a case of 'oh, I shouldn't' simply 'I can't' but if I could I know I would sometimes, it takes a supreme effort, when you have the choice, not to succumb to the ease of ready meals and processed foods but health-wise we are so much better off without them.
  13. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    I met Marguerite Patten [food writer] once and she told me she had to be carried from her door to a car because of arthritis but once on 'the' diet, she regained mobility. When I met her she was very sprightly and made the best scones I've ever had! --She also told me how she rented a house in Lincolnshire during the war, and remembers counting out the planes on the night of the Dambusters Raid and counting the few back in. :-( Very evocative memory.But by the by - diet is definitely something to think about when it comes to arthritis.
    Anyway, Spamar, -- you're an inspiration with your social bravery, not to mention weight loss. :) I regret to say I put on 7-8 pounds during the last year and must make an effort to lose it before our holiday.
  14. Maymab

    Maymab Registered User

    Oct 8, 2013
    Butting in on the Arthritis debate, I have recently undergone a hip replacement, and having done some reading on the subject, apparently grapefruit is to be avoided like the plague. Anybody else heard of that? I used to have half a pink one every day but never touch them now.

    Sent from my Nexus 7 using Talking Point mobile app
  15. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    #4495 Spamar, Mar 7, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2016
    Citrus fruit it says to avoid on the arthritis uk site ( thanks Essie, just proving I read it! ) that would include grapefruit. However, still had my afternoon orange, though it was only a small one).

    I think people are very individual, so people react differently to different foods. Experiment and see what works for you. Many say the weather affects arthritis, but I've never found it so. Anyway, your hip is now largely metal, so no worries unless you are showing signs elsewhere. My mother had no other signs of arthritis once she had her hip fixed. I've got it in many of my joints, feet, hands, shoulders, spine. I think my elbows are OK! Ten years or so ago, I had bilateral carpel tunnel syndrome which would need an op within 2years. Not yet done, and no pain for several years.

    I think losing the weight was a reaction to OHs final weeks, I didn't want to eat. Pity really, cos the food at the funeral tea was wonderful, the caterers were friends of stepdau, who arranges weddings in her spare time and hence knows all the decent caterers.
  16. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    (((Ann))), even when MIL is not being nasty, she sounds absolutely exhausting! :( Interesting what you say about her eating very quickly. My hubby has always done so and reckons a lot of it comes from being one of 7 children. First finished got first dibs of second helpings, if you took too long you missed out. I wonder if it might be something similar with MIL?

    My Mum has always eaten very slowly and that has not changed. which reminds me of an episode when our son was young. He asked why Grandma takes so long over meals and daddy said 'Because she likes to masticate properly'. Of course, son then asked 'why does Grandma masturbate when she eats?' Mum thought it was very funny when I told her and said she would be careful to keep her hands visible above the table at mealtimes in future!

    One of the things I noticed a while back is that it is very difficult to joke with Mum now as she simply does not understand. We were talking about her party and I made a comment about playing musical chairs, but she took me seriously and explained that anything active would not be suitable :(

    Spamar, your comments remind me of a lady we know who is blind (that is her preferred description, she has no vision at all). When told that she is 'brave' for doing something - whether that is going to the cinema or abseiling - she always points out that she simply has no choice. She is never going to see again so has to make the most of the life she has. Doesn't mean that she's not brave though . . .

    Very quiet day for me, I had asked friend to come here for coffee rather than us going out. I think it was a good decision as I can hardly keep my eyes open now anyway!
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    There could be all sorts of reasons for the eating quickly. OH eats like your MIL, Ann. Really fast, huge mouthfuls not cut up properly, barely chewed and then swallowed (I agree - not nice to watch) and he too frequently chokes. I was asked specifically about this by his neurologist and apparently its common with FTD! Who knew?! He said it was because people with FTD often get food fixations and they lose the social inhibitions needed for nice table manners.
    Not saying its necessarily the same for your MIL, of course.
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    I, for one, didn't know that, canary. Though OHs problems were always trying to get him to eat enough. As the disease progressed, his eating was so slow that it could take an hour of feeding him to get about 3 tblsps custard into him.

    When I was not feeling very well a few weeks ago, my hypnotherapist decided it was all down to 10 years or so of caring. One of the things she said was to put people off when they said things like, you're doing do well, etc. I couldn't really be so rude, well, I could but only to very close friends! I'm not saying that I'm upset about being called brave, and I think some people on here would deserve that description. I just don't think I do, but you can say it, Essie!
    What works for me ( I've had a few hard knocks) is to decide what I'm going to do, and do it. Maybe slowly. I had a playlist for OH and it was only a month ago I could listen to all of it with no ill effects. Just after he died I couldn't even read the titles!
    I've learnt not to regret the past. It can't be changed. What's happened has happened. I can forget it, rejoice in it if it's worthy, but get on with life. Next chapter has begun!
    So now I'm doing what I have to do, get back to a normal life within my limits. We used to go out a fair bit, so this is a step in that direction. I have more steps planned, but will tell you all nearer the time!
    Here ends the lesson from Spamar!

    And don't tell me off about overuse of exclamation marks!
  19. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands

    Exclamation marks are wonderful

    So are - marks


    - you - are - doing!!!

    Good - real good !!!

    Hard tho it it is to do

    !!!! - !!!!

    Hugs xxxxx
  20. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    You might be able to spot I have a child doing KS2 SATS with the following link, we did exclamation marks last weekend!:D


    Sparmar - I haven't really progressed with the paperwork, I felt overwhelmed so it all came to a grinding halt.

    On the plus side we now have a working bath, but a few weeks of bathroom upheaval to go yet.

    Joy of joys - racing season starts next weekend, so about 3 free weekends between now and summer hols in August. I'm doing sat and sun for the next 2 weekends in different places.

    Need to get myself to GP re arthritis, pains in thumb joints. I have read food can make it worse, and as my mum had issues from about my age, I have always planned to look into that. Get odd twinges in hips as well. So may not have any grey but other signs of age. Lots of freezing cold white water canoeing won't have helped hands.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.