Now I have this mental picture of people hiring a hunk to appear in the pics, rather than to lug the equipment! I have a cousin, a woman about 5'3" tall who was a professional wedding photographer, and I know lugging equipment around wasn't the easiest - especially as she also had to be dressed appropriately for a wedding!
So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
Now I have this mental picture of people hiring a hunk to appear in the pics, rather than to lug the equipment! I have a cousin, a woman about 5'3" tall who was a professional wedding photographer, and I know lugging equipment around wasn't the easiest - especially as she also had to be dressed appropriately for a wedding!
Lovely photos once more, Ann. Those animals are not just tv stars, but Ann stars! Even better!
Like the idea of a hunk!
If CH don't do things for 5 days, what are they going to do if/when she goes permanently?
Been to see my stepdau and her family today, really good. I've done the journey loads of times, and I have three satnavs. I managed the journey down really well, relying on brain. Unfortunately I chose to rely on my brain to come home. Wrong, oh so wrong! Found countryside I didn't even know existed!
Like the idea of a hunk!
If CH don't do things for 5 days, what are they going to do if/when she goes permanently?
Been to see my stepdau and her family today, really good. I've done the journey loads of times, and I have three satnavs. I managed the journey down really well, relying on brain. Unfortunately I chose to rely on my brain to come home. Wrong, oh so wrong! Found countryside I didn't even know existed!
Is it wrong that I laughed at that!
I love the photo of the otter with the fish.
As I have no knowledge of care homes, I'm not really in a position to comment, but given there is every chance resistance to personal care happened, and you read about care homes taking time to win residents round it seems likely that knowing she was only there 4night they didn't make the effort.
Like you said Ann, a risk of rocking the boat if you ask.
Oh Ann! What a shame that your week off should end with all the hassle of a grumpy MIL 
As the others have said, I do have some sympathy with the CH when they know that MIL is going back to your excellent care. They prob think that it will not matter for a few days. I know you have tried to get through to DC that this is all for MIL's good but the message really doesn't seem to get through
The photo's are stunning! You really would think the animals were wild, there is no hint of glass or bars. The leopards (or are they jaguar?) in particular are breathtaking What a shame that you had to fight the 'children' in order to get some help. It seems to me that (some) adults revert to selfish brats when they return to their childhood home!
I love the idea of hiring a hunk! Any chance of sharing?
I had a call from Mum around 3pm today. It was on the landline, which I can't reach easily at the moment. So I let the answer machine take it and rang her back on my mobile. She was quite upset 'Are you coming or not?' I said it is Sunday and we didn't have any plans to visit today. 'But it's my party today' I explained that it is still February and a few weeks from her birthday but everything is in hand and she doesn't have to worry about it. 'But I thought it was today'. I felt very sad for her - had an image of her having rounded up 20 or 30 octogenarians and promising them a party - I do hope that was far from the truth! Hubby was out at w*rk and I cannot drive at the moment so there was nothing I could do, but I would have liked to give her a hug
As the others have said, I do have some sympathy with the CH when they know that MIL is going back to your excellent care. They prob think that it will not matter for a few days. I know you have tried to get through to DC that this is all for MIL's good but the message really doesn't seem to get through The photo's are stunning! You really would think the animals were wild, there is no hint of glass or bars. The leopards (or are they jaguar?) in particular are breathtaking
What a shame that you had to fight the 'children' in order to get some help. It seems to me that (some) adults revert to selfish brats when they return to their childhood home!I love the idea of hiring a hunk! Any chance of sharing?
I had a call from Mum around 3pm today. It was on the landline, which I can't reach easily at the moment. So I let the answer machine take it and rang her back on my mobile. She was quite upset 'Are you coming or not?' I said it is Sunday and we didn't have any plans to visit today. 'But it's my party today' I explained that it is still February and a few weeks from her birthday but everything is in hand and she doesn't have to worry about it. 'But I thought it was today'. I felt very sad for her - had an image of her having rounded up 20 or 30 octogenarians and promising them a party - I do hope that was far from the truth! Hubby was out at w*rk and I cannot drive at the moment so there was nothing I could do, but I would have liked to give her a hug
I had a call from Mum around 3pm today. It was on the landline, which I can't reach easily at the moment. So I let the answer machine take it and rang her back on my mobile. She was quite upset 'Are you coming or not?' I said it is Sunday and we didn't have any plans to visit today. 'But it's my party today' I explained that it is still February and a few weeks from her birthday but everything is in hand and she doesn't have to worry about it. 'But I thought it was today'. I felt very sad for her - had an image of her having rounded up 20 or 30 octogenarians and promising them a party - I do hope that was far from the truth! Hubby was out at w*rk and I cannot drive at the moment so there was nothing I could do, but I would have liked to give her a hug
So sorry, that must have been really upsetting. I hope she soon forgot.
I still find it hard to actually believe that hub's reality is as real to him as mine is to me, and find it awful when he gets upset.
Tonight he was convinced I was a stranger, and couldn't understand why I was trying to talk him into changing into his pyjamas for bed. He's lying next to me, but dreadfully uneasy and I'm not sure what's best to do. Have just held my hand against his , and he's gripping it, so I must be giving him some comfort, but it's weird for me as only a couple of hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me...and now he's completely forgotten.
Anne, I am on the journey with my mum so haven't been through what you are going through. Sending much love & a virtual hug xxx
Morning everyone x
Thank you for all the lovely comments on the photo's - with geting to the zoo so often, I guess I'm slowly but surely learning where its best to stand to get the best view and images, so that helps me to 'improve' the shots I get. Out of the bunch I posted, the jags, giant otters, river otters and gibbon were all taken through glass, which is the biggest bug bear - I think I've managed a decent shot, but once I get the image on the large screen back home, I so often find I have the reflection of another visitors face super-imposed somewhere on the animals body The 'fenced' areas - like the lions, who's enclosure is made of large diamond criss-crossed wire/metal of some sort - are a bit easier - its possible to focus 'beyond' the bars, and lose them completely. And the penguins, giraffes and flamingos (who are known as 'Flaming Minga's' in our house due to youngest insisting that's what they were called when she was little) you can get clear shots off, with no bars or glass, but lots of evidence of the fact that they are in enclosures due to fences, buildings and walls in the background. Hoping to fit in another visit next week, now the schools are open again - holidays, especially now with that fab channel 4 documentary showing, the zoo is so packed that its hard to take pics. Last week, when we went, having waited for several minutes to work my way to the front of an enclosure, I took just one shot when a woman actually grabbed my arm, and pulled me to the side as I was shooting, so she could push her little boy in front of me - I get that kids are impatient and want to see and I do try to be good about not hogging a prime view for too long, but I do find incidents like that really frustrating, I'm afraid.
I'm really liking the idea of a 'hunk' - or basically anyone who has enough muscle to cope with helping me cart 2 heavy camera bodies and a selection of props and len's around at a wedding, lol (I like that idea of a wheeled case, MrsB - will look into that!). The 'big' weddings are often 10 or 12 hours full day's coverage - and you rarely get more than a brief break for a meal halfway through, the rest of the time you are on your feet and moving. I'm OK whilst I'm busy - but boy, for a few days after, I really hurt! And yep - the dressing 'appropriately' doesn't help - given the choice I'd be in baggy cargo's with multiple pockets and in my waterproof 'photo' coat, which also has pockets that will take len's and spare cards and so on. Not nice for a wedding though, so I tend to wear maxi dresses, which are reasonably smart and which allow me to move freely without worrying about a top or skirt riding up and which are OK teemed with flats. Having said that, wearing a new dress to a very wet wedding last year, the material turned out to be very sponge like, and as the hem brushed across puddles, the rain water was sort of 'sucked' up the dress, leaving me soaked from my knee's down for most of the day
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} R-Anne - I really hope that your OH was able to settle and be reassured last night - I do think that there is something extra-difficult when its your husband or wife who is hit with this foul illness. It must be so heart-breaking xxxx
Oh Spamar - your sense of direction sounds like mine - one of the reasons that I am not keen on driving is that I am so dreadful for getting lost - even when going to places that I've been to dozens of times!
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for Slugsta too - I wish yu could have given your Mum that hug - its all too easy to imagine both her and your distress xxxx
Up and down day with Mil yesterday. Good to start, usual up and brekkie and then back to bed. Up for the second time and naggy, took some persuading to get her washed and dressed. She was OK then till mid afternoon when she again went from zero to sixty, this time about demanding the phone to call her Mother. We tried saying we didn't have the number - and to my amazement she trotted out Shirl's number, insisting that was the one she needed to ring - then OH tried to gently remind her that her Mum was long gone, when she got quite belligerent about our refusal to hand over the phone, and of course, she wouldn't have it. We would have let her ring Shirl if we hadn't thought that she might actually get unpleasant if her Mum didn't answer - not fair to put Shirl in that position. I don't know what we can do when she is like that - if we tell her the phone isn't working she insists we are liars, same goes for if we dial a random number and tell her no one is answering and no way can we give her the phone because she is too darn quick to dial 999 . We've tried saying that her Mum is out, at work, gone shopping, and a host of other lwls and distractions in the past, but nothing other than actually talking to her Mother is acceptable to Mil when she is in that mood - and we just cannot give her that. She got increasingly wound up and rude, particularly towards me ( Apparently I was the B**** who had OH so 'cowed' that he was just going along with my lies because he is 'scared' of me!) and in the end OH told her to go to her room. And just as OH got her upstairs, the front door bell went and we had unexpected visitors in the shape of son's Godfather and his family - they had decided to call in on their way back home to London, after holidaying on the Welsh coast. I love the whole family dearly, but their two boys are aged 4 and 9 and extremely lively, and the Dad is also very much larger than life and loud and they couldn't have arrived at a worst time! Mil instantly started down the stairs, informing me that she was going to ask them to call the police for her, very rude towards me and language not the sort of thing I'd want youngsters to hear, so we spent the next 2 hours trying to keep Mil contained and the wee kids (tactfully and not too obviously) quiet. I wish that we had been able to talk to them on the phone first - I would have had no hesitation in apologising and telling them that Mil was unwell, because much as I love 'em all, it really wasn't a good time for them to visit - but they had gone quite a distance out of their way to see us, so there was little we could do.
Once they left (not till after 6pm) I then had to sort the roast quickly (I'd turned everything down or off when they arrived) and when Mil came down stairs, she seemed calmer and there was no mention of her Mum. Tea being late, she was hungry (not surprising) but even so, the way she shovelled in the food was pretty unpleasant to watch (and hear!). After tea, we all sat in the lounge and Mil kept up a stream of comments along the lines of what time did the buses stop running, as she would have to be getting 'home', and did I know what time the last ferry was as she was meeting friends in Limerick, and could OH give her a lift to the station on Dublin road as she would have to be heading home now . . . each time, OH and I went to 'Stop please - we are not talking about that now', which kept the lid on her blowing, but boy - it was wearying. Sat on pins, waiting for the explosion and unable to do anything such as watch TV or read or talk to anyone else, as she just didn't stop with the 'home' based queries and remarks. 9 pm and her agreeing to porridge, meds and bed was a relief, and thankfully, there was no grief about getting her changed and then tucked up in bed.
DC rang yesetrday to tell us that the mini bus is off the road, so we have to drive Mil in ourselves this morning - unfortunately, that coincides with son having his post-op appointment, so it means Mil will be going in an hour or two late today Can't be helped, I guess, but rather annoying! I already have youngest stropping round, she is never in a good mood returning to school after a break - but at least I don't have to get Mil up till later, so I don't have two 'stroppy' individuals to cope with at the same time!
Hope you all manage to have a good day xxxxxx
Thank you for all the lovely comments on the photo's - with geting to the zoo so often, I guess I'm slowly but surely learning where its best to stand to get the best view and images, so that helps me to 'improve' the shots I get. Out of the bunch I posted, the jags, giant otters, river otters and gibbon were all taken through glass, which is the biggest bug bear - I think I've managed a decent shot, but once I get the image on the large screen back home, I so often find I have the reflection of another visitors face super-imposed somewhere on the animals body
The 'fenced' areas - like the lions, who's enclosure is made of large diamond criss-crossed wire/metal of some sort - are a bit easier - its possible to focus 'beyond' the bars, and lose them completely. And the penguins, giraffes and flamingos (who are known as 'Flaming Minga's' in our house due to youngest insisting that's what they were called when she was little) you can get clear shots off, with no bars or glass, but lots of evidence of the fact that they are in enclosures due to fences, buildings and walls in the background. Hoping to fit in another visit next week, now the schools are open again - holidays, especially now with that fab channel 4 documentary showing, the zoo is so packed that its hard to take pics. Last week, when we went, having waited for several minutes to work my way to the front of an enclosure, I took just one shot when a woman actually grabbed my arm, and pulled me to the side as I was shooting, so she could push her little boy in front of me - I get that kids are impatient and want to see and I do try to be good about not hogging a prime view for too long, but I do find incidents like that really frustrating, I'm afraid. I'm really liking the idea of a 'hunk' - or basically anyone who has enough muscle to cope with helping me cart 2 heavy camera bodies and a selection of props and len's around at a wedding, lol (I like that idea of a wheeled case, MrsB - will look into that!). The 'big' weddings are often 10 or 12 hours full day's coverage - and you rarely get more than a brief break for a meal halfway through, the rest of the time you are on your feet and moving. I'm OK whilst I'm busy - but boy, for a few days after, I really hurt! And yep - the dressing 'appropriately' doesn't help - given the choice I'd be in baggy cargo's with multiple pockets and in my waterproof 'photo' coat, which also has pockets that will take len's and spare cards and so on. Not nice for a wedding though, so I tend to wear maxi dresses, which are reasonably smart and which allow me to move freely without worrying about a top or skirt riding up and which are OK teemed with flats. Having said that, wearing a new dress to a very wet wedding last year, the material turned out to be very sponge like, and as the hem brushed across puddles, the rain water was sort of 'sucked' up the dress, leaving me soaked from my knee's down for most of the day
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} R-Anne - I really hope that your OH was able to settle and be reassured last night - I do think that there is something extra-difficult when its your husband or wife who is hit with this foul illness. It must be so heart-breaking
xxxxOh Spamar - your sense of direction sounds like mine - one of the reasons that I am not keen on driving is that I am so dreadful for getting lost - even when going to places that I've been to dozens of times!
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for Slugsta too - I wish yu could have given your Mum that hug - its all too easy to imagine both her and your distress xxxx
Up and down day with Mil yesterday. Good to start, usual up and brekkie and then back to bed. Up for the second time and naggy, took some persuading to get her washed and dressed. She was OK then till mid afternoon when she again went from zero to sixty, this time about demanding the phone to call her Mother. We tried saying we didn't have the number - and to my amazement she trotted out Shirl's number, insisting that was the one she needed to ring - then OH tried to gently remind her that her Mum was long gone, when she got quite belligerent about our refusal to hand over the phone, and of course, she wouldn't have it. We would have let her ring Shirl if we hadn't thought that she might actually get unpleasant if her Mum didn't answer - not fair to put Shirl in that position. I don't know what we can do when she is like that - if we tell her the phone isn't working she insists we are liars, same goes for if we dial a random number and tell her no one is answering and no way can we give her the phone because she is too darn quick to dial 999 . We've tried saying that her Mum is out, at work, gone shopping, and a host of other lwls and distractions in the past, but nothing other than actually talking to her Mother is acceptable to Mil when she is in that mood - and we just cannot give her that. She got increasingly wound up and rude, particularly towards me ( Apparently I was the B**** who had OH so 'cowed' that he was just going along with my lies because he is 'scared' of me!) and in the end OH told her to go to her room. And just as OH got her upstairs, the front door bell went and we had unexpected visitors in the shape of son's Godfather and his family - they had decided to call in on their way back home to London, after holidaying on the Welsh coast. I love the whole family dearly, but their two boys are aged 4 and 9 and extremely lively, and the Dad is also very much larger than life and loud and they couldn't have arrived at a worst time! Mil instantly started down the stairs, informing me that she was going to ask them to call the police for her, very rude towards me and language not the sort of thing I'd want youngsters to hear, so we spent the next 2 hours trying to keep Mil contained and the wee kids (tactfully and not too obviously) quiet. I wish that we had been able to talk to them on the phone first - I would have had no hesitation in apologising and telling them that Mil was unwell, because much as I love 'em all, it really wasn't a good time for them to visit - but they had gone quite a distance out of their way to see us, so there was little we could do.
Once they left (not till after 6pm) I then had to sort the roast quickly (I'd turned everything down or off when they arrived) and when Mil came down stairs, she seemed calmer and there was no mention of her Mum. Tea being late, she was hungry (not surprising) but even so, the way she shovelled in the food was pretty unpleasant to watch (and hear!). After tea, we all sat in the lounge and Mil kept up a stream of comments along the lines of what time did the buses stop running, as she would have to be getting 'home', and did I know what time the last ferry was as she was meeting friends in Limerick, and could OH give her a lift to the station on Dublin road as she would have to be heading home now . . . each time, OH and I went to 'Stop please - we are not talking about that now', which kept the lid on her blowing, but boy - it was wearying. Sat on pins, waiting for the explosion and unable to do anything such as watch TV or read or talk to anyone else, as she just didn't stop with the 'home' based queries and remarks. 9 pm and her agreeing to porridge, meds and bed was a relief, and thankfully, there was no grief about getting her changed and then tucked up in bed.
DC rang yesetrday to tell us that the mini bus is off the road, so we have to drive Mil in ourselves this morning - unfortunately, that coincides with son having his post-op appointment, so it means Mil will be going in an hour or two late today
Can't be helped, I guess, but rather annoying! I already have youngest stropping round, she is never in a good mood returning to school after a break - but at least I don't have to get Mil up till later, so I don't have two 'stroppy' individuals to cope with at the same time!Hope you all manage to have a good day xxxxxx
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I absolutely HATE visitors who turn up unexpectedly. It's obtuse and insensitive, so - imo, Ann - if the kids heard some choice language, hard luck. Lucky your friends are nice people in general, Ann - my usual unexpected visitors are my in-laws - a bit like Grace! - who generally turn up to make some scathing or patronising comment about my house (e.g. 'small bathroom,' OR 'we love our high ceilings' said very pointedly in our cottage.) OR to tell me how much their flat in Norfolk is worth, very smugly, even though in the mad world of house prices it's really nothing. So far I have always managed to place a fixed grin on my face - this will probably be my hostess expression if I get dementia; it won't be pretty! - and murmur platitudes. If I were looking after a relative with dementia on top, don't think I'd manage it!
Remember to take care of yourself this week - you think you're better but the lurg wants a rematch!
Raggedy - my heart goes out to you.
Take care all of you. May the week go gently on you.
Remember to take care of yourself this week - you think you're better but the lurg wants a rematch!
Raggedy - my heart goes out to you.
Take care all of you. May the week go gently on you.
They are really lovely people, Red - just the timing was off yesterday, sadly. I think if they had been the type to be as rude as your 'out-laws', I would have told them where to go at the door, lol!
Morning from hell - Mil decided to get up just as I was getting out of the shower and OH and son were preparing to leave. I explained that I just needed time to get dried and dressed and asked her to wait in her room - no, she said, she was going downstairs to put an egg on and make herself some breakfast. I tried 2 or 3 times to persuade her to wait, but it culminated in me having to order her back to her pit. She was still in there when I left my bedroom, so I left her while I quickly dried my hair, then went to get her up. She refused - if I hadn't let her get up when it suited her, she told me, then she wasn't going to get up now. *sigh*. I raised the head of her bed up so she was sitting, and swung her legs round - to the accompaniment of a lot of swearing and name calling. I physically had to haul her to standing, and by putting my arm around her shoulders and propelling her forward, I got her to the bathroom - in she shot and locked the door. The look on her face when I then unlocked it with a coin was flipping priceless! She refused to undress, and stood there like a rock whilst I undresed her, calling me a pervert and a sick b****, at the top of her voice. When I took her pull ups off, she started screaming that I'd 'cut' her leg - I don't think I caught her with my nails, but just in case I firstly apologised, saying that if I had caught her, it was anaccident - but when I checked, no mark at all to be seen - meanwhile, she was screaming that i was a hateful c*w, and that I was pinching her I asked her to stop screetching like a 2 year old and she then told me that she was going to tell 'everyone' that I had caused the bruises on her arms - the ones she came back from respite with. She refused to wash, till I told her I would do it for her, then after washing her face and neck, she deliberately lobbed the flannel into the sink so it would splash me, laughing and telling me 'Good - I meant to do that'. I absolutely didn't react, just handed her the flannel and asked her to wash the next bit - at which point she started again calling me a pervert and a B****** She allowed me to wash and cream her legs (which are, Thank God, a lot better) but refused point blank to let me do her hair saying that she didn't need my help and anyway - she would be 'afraid that I'd end up looking like you, Ann - ugly B**** as you are'! .
When she had dressed and come down, breakfast was eaten to the accompaniment of insulting remarks and threats to tell all and sundry how I'd 'kicked her round the bedroom like a football' and with not a please or a thank you in evidence. I gave her her meds - she asked me had I slipped in some rat poison. I offered to do her hair and she told me where to go. I absolutely didn't respond at all, simply asking her to go go and sit in the front room till OH came back. And when he did, she started to pour out a torrent of complaints and accusations and was most upset when he didn't immediately sympathise and 'smack me one'. We then had 10 minutes of her accusing me of attacking her , at one point insisting that I'd left a 'big scratch' down her back - OH asked her to show him - she was actually really puzzled when there wasn't a mark there at all. It ended up with him blasting her for being so unpleasant, and then carting her off to DC - thank god!
Morning from hell - Mil decided to get up just as I was getting out of the shower and OH and son were preparing to leave. I explained that I just needed time to get dried and dressed and asked her to wait in her room - no, she said, she was going downstairs to put an egg on and make herself some breakfast. I tried 2 or 3 times to persuade her to wait, but it culminated in me having to order her back to her pit. She was still in there when I left my bedroom, so I left her while I quickly dried my hair, then went to get her up. She refused - if I hadn't let her get up when it suited her, she told me, then she wasn't going to get up now. *sigh*. I raised the head of her bed up so she was sitting, and swung her legs round - to the accompaniment of a lot of swearing and name calling. I physically had to haul her to standing, and by putting my arm around her shoulders and propelling her forward, I got her to the bathroom - in she shot and locked the door. The look on her face when I then unlocked it with a coin was flipping priceless! She refused to undress, and stood there like a rock whilst I undresed her, calling me a pervert and a sick b****, at the top of her voice. When I took her pull ups off, she started screaming that I'd 'cut' her leg - I don't think I caught her with my nails, but just in case I firstly apologised, saying that if I had caught her, it was anaccident - but when I checked, no mark at all to be seen - meanwhile, she was screaming that i was a hateful c*w, and that I was pinching her
I asked her to stop screetching like a 2 year old and she then told me that she was going to tell 'everyone' that I had caused the bruises on her arms - the ones she came back from respite with. She refused to wash, till I told her I would do it for her, then after washing her face and neck, she deliberately lobbed the flannel into the sink so it would splash me, laughing and telling me 'Good - I meant to do that'. I absolutely didn't react, just handed her the flannel and asked her to wash the next bit - at which point she started again calling me a pervert and a B****** She allowed me to wash and cream her legs (which are, Thank God, a lot better) but refused point blank to let me do her hair saying that she didn't need my help and anyway - she would be 'afraid that I'd end up looking like you, Ann - ugly B**** as you are'! .When she had dressed and come down, breakfast was eaten to the accompaniment of insulting remarks and threats to tell all and sundry how I'd 'kicked her round the bedroom like a football' and with not a please or a thank you in evidence. I gave her her meds - she asked me had I slipped in some rat poison. I offered to do her hair and she told me where to go. I absolutely didn't respond at all, simply asking her to go go and sit in the front room till OH came back. And when he did, she started to pour out a torrent of complaints and accusations and was most upset when he didn't immediately sympathise and 'smack me one'. We then had 10 minutes of her accusing me of attacking her , at one point insisting that I'd left a 'big scratch' down her back - OH asked her to show him - she was actually really puzzled when there wasn't a mark there at all. It ended up with him blasting her for being so unpleasant, and then carting her off to DC - thank god!
Morning everyone....
R Ann... I am sorry to hear about your husband, I hope he is better today.
I'll never forget those heart-breaking moments, hours, days of your husband not recognising you.
You cant explain it, unless you've experienced it. (In laws 'thought it was funny' .... ha-ha, not peculiar).
MiL has episodes of thinking I am ?a granddaughter, or ? her own daughter , but as a child.
It feels totally different when MiL confuses me, to when my husband was scared witless, wide-eyed....
at who I was, what I was doing in HIS house.
OOOhhhh AnnM.... I love your photos. I'd love a trip to the zoo...
I hate those pop-in visits too ...
Thankfully MiL is not driving 'distances' so I don't have her popping in to see me as and when she feels like it, after all this is HER home, so why shouldn't she?
I think the drive over here upset her, made her agitated, so would arrive in a bit of a mood...
She is still driving, but it appears to be locally, church, shops....
Niece is going to write to DVLA saying she thinks her Granny as thrown out her assessment letter.
(DVLA wil have to respond, so watch this space....)...
SiL is trying her best to take over from where Mil left... popping in to see me ...
The latest is.... niece has said her mum wants to know where I get my hair cut, as she fancy's a change (after years of going to same person) and could get her hair cut, then come in to see me , and I could do lunch.
Wont be giving SiL my hairdressers phone number, glad to have the 'heads-up' from my niece.
Still not answering my phone, screening calls.... so I don't have to cope with SiL questions.
AnnM..... An idea for when MiL is in the phone loop .....
I know its a little inconvenient, but have you tried tweaking the phone line/ socket , so you lose the connection ?
Would MiL be able to (or know how to) tweak the connection back in place?
I used to do this occasionally with my husband...to break the phone loop episodes.
That was it was not my fault (it usually was) , and he heard me report the 'fault' via my mobile.
You could try this with MiL , and make a (love lies) fake call via your mobile to report the 'fault'.
Even if it works a few times, it might be worth it.
R Ann... I am sorry to hear about your husband, I hope he is better today.
I'll never forget those heart-breaking moments, hours, days of your husband not recognising you.
You cant explain it, unless you've experienced it. (In laws 'thought it was funny' .... ha-ha, not peculiar).
MiL has episodes of thinking I am ?a granddaughter, or ? her own daughter , but as a child.
It feels totally different when MiL confuses me, to when my husband was scared witless, wide-eyed....
at who I was, what I was doing in HIS house.
OOOhhhh AnnM.... I love your photos. I'd love a trip to the zoo...
I hate those pop-in visits too ...
Thankfully MiL is not driving 'distances' so I don't have her popping in to see me as and when she feels like it, after all this is HER home, so why shouldn't she?
I think the drive over here upset her, made her agitated, so would arrive in a bit of a mood...
She is still driving, but it appears to be locally, church, shops....
Niece is going to write to DVLA saying she thinks her Granny as thrown out her assessment letter.
(DVLA wil have to respond, so watch this space....)...
SiL is trying her best to take over from where Mil left... popping in to see me ...
The latest is.... niece has said her mum wants to know where I get my hair cut, as she fancy's a change (after years of going to same person) and could get her hair cut, then come in to see me , and I could do lunch.
Wont be giving SiL my hairdressers phone number, glad to have the 'heads-up' from my niece.
Still not answering my phone, screening calls.... so I don't have to cope with SiL questions.
AnnM..... An idea for when MiL is in the phone loop .....
I know its a little inconvenient, but have you tried tweaking the phone line/ socket , so you lose the connection ?
Would MiL be able to (or know how to) tweak the connection back in place?
I used to do this occasionally with my husband...to break the phone loop episodes.
That was it was not my fault (it usually was) , and he heard me report the 'fault' via my mobile.
You could try this with MiL , and make a (love lies) fake call via your mobile to report the 'fault'.
Even if it works a few times, it might be worth it.
R Anne - hope you have a better night tonight - but based on your recent posts I'm guessing maybe not.
Grace - what is SIL after? Trying to be friendly to get you to see MIL? Dump MIL? Well done for screening calls, not that you should have to
Slugsta - hope your mum has a better day today - frustrating not being able to pop round
Ann - sounds like MIL is being a stroppy toddler a lot of the time. Hope you get some rest today.
A few posts behind but I had to point out to my inconsiderate lot that I was ill and needed some help. Guess your older ones thought they were home for a rest from having to look after themselves.
If the zoo popularity leaps up, I hope the zoo traffic doesn't go back to what it used to be, much better since they added roundabouts and new car park. We have to go past the zoo to get to some of the stuff we do in Chester and in summer we just can't get there on time. But only queues in vicinity of zoo normally. Also son's holiday club is the other side of zoo entrance from where we live so pick up can be difficult sometimes. Used to queue back about 5 miles on a summer weekend, and we just had to add a massive loop into our journey.
Grace - what is SIL after? Trying to be friendly to get you to see MIL? Dump MIL? Well done for screening calls, not that you should have to
Slugsta - hope your mum has a better day today - frustrating not being able to pop round
Ann - sounds like MIL is being a stroppy toddler a lot of the time. Hope you get some rest today.
A few posts behind but I had to point out to my inconsiderate lot that I was ill and needed some help. Guess your older ones thought they were home for a rest from having to look after themselves.
If the zoo popularity leaps up, I hope the zoo traffic doesn't go back to what it used to be, much better since they added roundabouts and new car park. We have to go past the zoo to get to some of the stuff we do in Chester and in summer we just can't get there on time. But only queues in vicinity of zoo normally. Also son's holiday club is the other side of zoo entrance from where we live so pick up can be difficult sometimes. Used to queue back about 5 miles on a summer weekend, and we just had to add a massive loop into our journey.
Oh Ann, back to reality with a bang Love the photos, can't believe someone would physically move you to a different place - cheek! Sympathies on your unplanned visitors, I'm with Red, if the kids heard words they shouldn't, good! Good on you for not reacting to Mil's provocations this morning, do you think that might be a viable option when she starts on her 'loops' - simply not responding to what she is saying - a bit like ignoring bad behaviour in children and only responding to the good or would she just get more agitated and 'in your face'?
I fully sympathise with your CH dilemma, of course you should be able to expect, and get, a level of care for Mil that comes up to at least basic standards of care and hygiene but the reality is just as you say, you need to pick your battles and keep them sweet for the next time. I do sincerely hope, and actually do believe really, that if Mil was a permanent resident things would be better and that the staff probably didn't persist with Mil as they would with permanent residents as they knew it was only temporary. Picturing Mil carrying on with them as she did with you this morning I can quite well believe that the staff just took the easy way out and left things that should have been done just to keep the peace.
Slugsta I so feel for you not being able to be with your Mum after she'd rung...
Grace so glad that Mil is not driving as far as your place anymore and that you are call screening and being tipped off about Sil's 'plans' - she's turning into your stalker Stay strong.
Love the photos, can't believe someone would physically move you to a different place - cheek! Sympathies on your unplanned visitors, I'm with Red, if the kids heard words they shouldn't, good! Good on you for not reacting to Mil's provocations this morning, do you think that might be a viable option when she starts on her 'loops' - simply not responding to what she is saying - a bit like ignoring bad behaviour in children and only responding to the good or would she just get more agitated and 'in your face'? I fully sympathise with your CH dilemma, of course you should be able to expect, and get, a level of care for Mil that comes up to at least basic standards of care and hygiene but the reality is just as you say, you need to pick your battles and keep them sweet for the next time. I do sincerely hope, and actually do believe really, that if Mil was a permanent resident things would be better and that the staff probably didn't persist with Mil as they would with permanent residents as they knew it was only temporary. Picturing Mil carrying on with them as she did with you this morning I can quite well believe that the staff just took the easy way out and left things that should have been done just to keep the peace.
Slugsta I so feel for you not being able to be with your Mum after she'd rung...
Grace so glad that Mil is not driving as far as your place anymore and that you are call screening and being tipped off about Sil's 'plans' - she's turning into your stalker
Stay strong.
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Oh (((Ann)))
RAnne, I'm sorry that things are so grim for you
RedLou, your out-laws sound almost as toxic as Grace's I'm not a big fan of unexpected visitors but hubbs is quite sociable and enjoys people popping in. If his family turn up unexpectedly I tend to just stay upstairs if I don't feel sociable.
Grace, well done! You seem to have the measure of your SIL
I know that 'compassionate communication' says that we shouldn't try to correct the PWD but I really didn't think would have been a good idea yesterday 'Oh dear Mum, silly me! I had forgotten all about your party so let's not bother...' Does anyone have any suggestions of a different way of responding? At the moment Mum believes what I say - but I have been reading this thread for long enough to know that is not always the case!
RAnne, I'm sorry that things are so grim for you
RedLou, your out-laws sound almost as toxic as Grace's
I'm not a big fan of unexpected visitors but hubbs is quite sociable and enjoys people popping in. If his family turn up unexpectedly I tend to just stay upstairs if I don't feel sociable.Grace, well done! You seem to have the measure of your SIL
I know that 'compassionate communication' says that we shouldn't try to correct the PWD but I really didn't think would have been a good idea yesterday 'Oh dear Mum, silly me! I had forgotten all about your party so let's not bother...' Does anyone have any suggestions of a different way of responding? At the moment Mum believes what I say - but I have been reading this thread for long enough to know that is not always the case!
I have never read the link to compassionate communication to the end as it seemed too much when I started to read as you just can't agree with them all the time. However, I do use it where it will work for me and mum if you follow.
The only thing I can think of is to have talked about how much fun the party will be when it happens to distract from her forgetting the date.
In terms of days and dates I got my mum a clock (from a thread on here) with the day and date and it has made a real difference to her. She might not know on say 30 April that my birthday is 1 May, but on 1 May when she sees the date, she knows it is my birthday - if that makes sense.
The only thing I can think of is to have talked about how much fun the party will be when it happens to distract from her forgetting the date.
In terms of days and dates I got my mum a clock (from a thread on here) with the day and date and it has made a real difference to her. She might not know on say 30 April that my birthday is 1 May, but on 1 May when she sees the date, she knows it is my birthday - if that makes sense.
So called Compassionate Communication simply can't be done sometimes....times like when a person says they're going to walk home when it's winter, and dark, and they'd be walking on an unlit country road without pavements. After you've suggested a cup of tea first, or that it would be better after supper etc, what else is there to say? If you lock the door outrage ensues. Sometimes I've even got the car out and we've gone late night shopping...Thank heavens for child locks in the car.
Morning everyone,
I've read a lot of the compasionate communication advice, and I've tried on so many occasions to apply it, but much as I would like it to work (simply because if it did, it would save misery for both Mil and us) I just don't find it effective 'Later', 'when its stops raining', 'Oh, they are out/away/shopping', even 'Sorry - I don't remember' are countered with arguments and accusations that you are lying, no matter what she is fixated on. I've tried Grace's suggestion of unplugging the phone, when she has wanted to call a person who has died or who we have never heard of, and had a torrent of abuse flung at me and OH as Mil will insist that we have 'turned the phone off' or 'deliberately broken it'. On one or two occasions, she has also gone on to demand that we 'lend' her our mobiles to make whatever phone call she wants to make. The thing with her is she fixates on what she wants to the point that nothing else but having whatever it is will do. She won't budge, and any excuse, lwl or distraction is met with rejection and often increased agitation - the only thing that will satisfy her and not wind her up is for her to have whatever it is that she wants straight away, and obviously a lot of the time that simply is not possible. When she has asked to phone her Mum/Dad/late husband/person I've never heard of, occasionally she has accepted that I don't know the number (though usually she will insist that we do know it, that we dial it for her 'all the time'), but then the demands can switch to her being allowed to call the 'operator' or even the police as she will insist that they can give her the number she wants. And there is also some stuff I just don't think its possible to 'go along with' - her thinking her son is her husband, for a start. How on earth can we go along with that? Let her sit next to him, cuddling up in a most unmotherly way? Have her issue invitations for him to 'come to bed now'? Agree to her demands that he throw me out of 'their house'?. Nor can we go along with the accusations of her being beaten or attacked or robbed because that leads to the story 'growing', her becomming more agitated and demands to phone the police. I can't produce items and belonging that she suddenly claims to own but have never actually existed, much less produce something like a 'babby' or 'small child' at the drop of a hat.
Slugsta, I've often had Mil insist that I've told her that we are going to the pictures/dance/to some event or other. I've tried a simple 'Oh - that's not today' and invariably she will insist that it most certainly is, that I'm the person who told her that it was. I've tried telling her that 'sorry - I must have given you the wrong date/did I forget to tell you that its been cancelled?' and had the response that she bets that I'm just saying that for 'spite'. And often I get that she doesn't care whether I take her or OH takes her, she doesn't believe us when we say that whatever isn't happening - she is going anyway and she wants me to open the door so she can go RIGHT NOW! Unlike your Mum, she rarely believes what we say to her. If she did, I'd go with JM's suggestion of distracting with talking about how much fun the 'party' will be when it does happen, and probably taking the responsibility of having given her the wrong date by mistake to save her any embarressment she might be feeling. I honestly don't know what else to suggest as so few things work with Mil that I haven't a clue whats likely to be effective with anyone else
OH picked her up last night, and apparently she started from the minute she got into the car with insisting that this or that should be happening and asking for her parents and making accusations, being very rude with him. As they came through the door, she was clearly in a foul mood and he insisted she went upstairs to watch TV in her room, telling her very bluntly that whilst she was in such a temper, it was better for everyone if she kept to herself. She upped and downed the stairs all eveing, but it was clear that the bad mood wasn't going. She would come down insisting she needed something from her handbag, refusing to say what it was, unable to find whatever it was, then nasty comments about how he or I must have 'stolen it'. She came down insisting she be allowed to 'talk to that man with the taxi', insisting 'he' was in the kitchen and telling OH he was a liar when OH told her there was no 'man' here. She came through the door demanding that we tell her how much the fare home is, asking could she lend the money for the fare, asking to be taken 'home'. At tea time, we were hoping that the food would distract and calm but as soon as the last mouthful went down, she was off again. But, when she was offered porridge and meds at 9, she was quite happy to have them and other than her telling me that there was no point looking for clean PJ's for her as she hadn't brought any with her when she arrived here 'this morning', ther was no argument about her getting ready for bed either - and she (thankfully) stayed there!
OH forgot to ask if the mini bus was back on the road last night, so I'll have to phone about 8.30 this morning to find out if they are picking her up or if I'll have to take her in - OH back to work today (12 hours), so it'll have to be me - hoping for the former, as I think that the current bad mood is probably likey to continue today. She has a follow up appointment with the consultant (no idea if its the same locum or not) on Thursday morning, OH thankfully off and so we are hoping that between us we can convince whoever it is that we see that she is getting a lot worse and we need more than a 'lets give this med a tweak and then come back in 4/6 weeks and we'll see how she is doing'
Hope you all have a good day xxxx
I've read a lot of the compasionate communication advice, and I've tried on so many occasions to apply it, but much as I would like it to work (simply because if it did, it would save misery for both Mil and us) I just don't find it effective
'Later', 'when its stops raining', 'Oh, they are out/away/shopping', even 'Sorry - I don't remember' are countered with arguments and accusations that you are lying, no matter what she is fixated on. I've tried Grace's suggestion of unplugging the phone, when she has wanted to call a person who has died or who we have never heard of, and had a torrent of abuse flung at me and OH as Mil will insist that we have 'turned the phone off' or 'deliberately broken it'. On one or two occasions, she has also gone on to demand that we 'lend' her our mobiles to make whatever phone call she wants to make. The thing with her is she fixates on what she wants to the point that nothing else but having whatever it is will do. She won't budge, and any excuse, lwl or distraction is met with rejection and often increased agitation - the only thing that will satisfy her and not wind her up is for her to have whatever it is that she wants straight away, and obviously a lot of the time that simply is not possible. When she has asked to phone her Mum/Dad/late husband/person I've never heard of, occasionally she has accepted that I don't know the number (though usually she will insist that we do know it, that we dial it for her 'all the time'), but then the demands can switch to her being allowed to call the 'operator' or even the police as she will insist that they can give her the number she wants. And there is also some stuff I just don't think its possible to 'go along with' - her thinking her son is her husband, for a start. How on earth can we go along with that? Let her sit next to him, cuddling up in a most unmotherly way? Have her issue invitations for him to 'come to bed now'? Agree to her demands that he throw me out of 'their house'?. Nor can we go along with the accusations of her being beaten or attacked or robbed because that leads to the story 'growing', her becomming more agitated and demands to phone the police. I can't produce items and belonging that she suddenly claims to own but have never actually existed, much less produce something like a 'babby' or 'small child' at the drop of a hat.Slugsta, I've often had Mil insist that I've told her that we are going to the pictures/dance/to some event or other. I've tried a simple 'Oh - that's not today' and invariably she will insist that it most certainly is, that I'm the person who told her that it was. I've tried telling her that 'sorry - I must have given you the wrong date/did I forget to tell you that its been cancelled?' and had the response that she bets that I'm just saying that for 'spite'. And often I get that she doesn't care whether I take her or OH takes her, she doesn't believe us when we say that whatever isn't happening - she is going anyway and she wants me to open the door so she can go RIGHT NOW! Unlike your Mum, she rarely believes what we say to her. If she did, I'd go with JM's suggestion of distracting with talking about how much fun the 'party' will be when it does happen, and probably taking the responsibility of having given her the wrong date by mistake to save her any embarressment she might be feeling. I honestly don't know what else to suggest as so few things work with Mil that I haven't a clue whats likely to be effective with anyone else
OH picked her up last night, and apparently she started from the minute she got into the car with insisting that this or that should be happening and asking for her parents and making accusations, being very rude with him. As they came through the door, she was clearly in a foul mood and he insisted she went upstairs to watch TV in her room, telling her very bluntly that whilst she was in such a temper, it was better for everyone if she kept to herself. She upped and downed the stairs all eveing, but it was clear that the bad mood wasn't going. She would come down insisting she needed something from her handbag, refusing to say what it was, unable to find whatever it was, then nasty comments about how he or I must have 'stolen it'. She came down insisting she be allowed to 'talk to that man with the taxi', insisting 'he' was in the kitchen and telling OH he was a liar when OH told her there was no 'man' here. She came through the door demanding that we tell her how much the fare home is, asking could she lend the money for the fare, asking to be taken 'home'. At tea time, we were hoping that the food would distract and calm but as soon as the last mouthful went down, she was off again. But, when she was offered porridge and meds at 9, she was quite happy to have them and other than her telling me that there was no point looking for clean PJ's for her as she hadn't brought any with her when she arrived here 'this morning', ther was no argument about her getting ready for bed either - and she (thankfully) stayed there!
OH forgot to ask if the mini bus was back on the road last night, so I'll have to phone about 8.30 this morning to find out if they are picking her up or if I'll have to take her in - OH back to work today (12 hours), so it'll have to be me - hoping for the former, as I think that the current bad mood is probably likey to continue today. She has a follow up appointment with the consultant (no idea if its the same locum or not) on Thursday morning, OH thankfully off and so we are hoping that between us we can convince whoever it is that we see that she is getting a lot worse and we need more than a 'lets give this med a tweak and then come back in 4/6 weeks and we'll see how she is doing'
Hope you all have a good day xxxx
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Just to add - no improvement in Mil's mood this morning. I went in with a bright and breezy 'Good Morning, Love', only for her to straight away demand to know what I'd done with her Mother I tried the 'think about it, Mil' - to which she responded 'Don't try to tell me she is dead' - and I followed that by trying 'We haven't got time now love, lets get you washed and dressed and then we'll have a chat'. Nope, said Mil - she was staying in bed until I told her where her Mother was and either fetched her so Mil could see her or let her talk to her on the phone. I had to call OH and she only moved when she saw him coming up the stairs.
And in the bathroom, not just once, but twice, she did the lobbing the flannel into the sink so I would get splashed - I said nothing the first time, the second time I simply picked the flannel straight back up and without wringing it out, I tossed it back to her, saying 'Catch' - she did, but was still liberally splattered with the water. She didn't do it again.
I refused point blank to engage in any discussion about her parents or home or where her 'husband' was, keeping my voice very calm but firm I simply repeated polite instructions or requests and ignored any insults or abusive remarks. Her hair was desperate for washing and it was a case of 'Are you going to let me wash your hair or are you going out with it greasy? Yes or No?' - she several times replied with 'I'll let you wash it if you let me phone my mum now', I just said the same thing in response, finally adding that this would be the last time I asked. She said yes, I could wash her hair.
After her breakfast, she initially refused her meds unless I gave her the phone. I got up from the table, with the meds and said 'That's your choice. I'll phone day care and warn them that you might need to go to hospital' . She quickly said 'Oh - OK, I'll take them'. Then she ignored me when I asked her to come and sit down so I could dry and style her hair. I asked twice and when she didn't respond, I unplugged the dryer and said OK, she could go out with wet hair. The wee madam was sat in the seat before I took two steps away with the dryer
It wasn't the most comfortable of mornings, but I think it was better that I didn't respond to the provocation and nastiness, as Essie suggested - other than me throwing the flannel to her, which I really shouldn't have done, I know - though heaven knows, at least it worked to stop her soaking me!. At least it didn't get to the point where she was screaming insults and swear words at me, and at least she went out properly washed and tidy, fed and medicated (Mini bus back on the road, Yay! - so i didn't have to take her). If she is still in this mood when I pick her up, I think the only thing I can do is continue in the same way - I can't take her to her Mum, fetch her Mum to her or arrange for a line through to the afterlife so she can speak to her Mum (or her Dad, or late husband), nothing else I try is acceptable to Mil, and I honestly don't know what else I can do
I tried the 'think about it, Mil' - to which she responded 'Don't try to tell me she is dead' - and I followed that by trying 'We haven't got time now love, lets get you washed and dressed and then we'll have a chat'. Nope, said Mil - she was staying in bed until I told her where her Mother was and either fetched her so Mil could see her or let her talk to her on the phone. I had to call OH and she only moved when she saw him coming up the stairs.And in the bathroom, not just once, but twice, she did the lobbing the flannel into the sink so I would get splashed - I said nothing the first time, the second time I simply picked the flannel straight back up and without wringing it out, I tossed it back to her, saying 'Catch' - she did, but was still liberally splattered with the water. She didn't do it again.
I refused point blank to engage in any discussion about her parents or home or where her 'husband' was, keeping my voice very calm but firm I simply repeated polite instructions or requests and ignored any insults or abusive remarks. Her hair was desperate for washing and it was a case of 'Are you going to let me wash your hair or are you going out with it greasy? Yes or No?' - she several times replied with 'I'll let you wash it if you let me phone my mum now', I just said the same thing in response, finally adding that this would be the last time I asked. She said yes, I could wash her hair.
After her breakfast, she initially refused her meds unless I gave her the phone. I got up from the table, with the meds and said 'That's your choice. I'll phone day care and warn them that you might need to go to hospital' . She quickly said 'Oh - OK, I'll take them'. Then she ignored me when I asked her to come and sit down so I could dry and style her hair. I asked twice and when she didn't respond, I unplugged the dryer and said OK, she could go out with wet hair. The wee madam was sat in the seat before I took two steps away with the dryer
It wasn't the most comfortable of mornings, but I think it was better that I didn't respond to the provocation and nastiness, as Essie suggested - other than me throwing the flannel to her, which I really shouldn't have done, I know - though heaven knows, at least it worked to stop her soaking me!. At least it didn't get to the point where she was screaming insults and swear words at me, and at least she went out properly washed and tidy, fed and medicated (Mini bus back on the road, Yay! - so i didn't have to take her). If she is still in this mood when I pick her up, I think the only thing I can do is continue in the same way - I can't take her to her Mum, fetch her Mum to her or arrange for a line through to the afterlife so she can speak to her Mum (or her Dad, or late husband), nothing else I try is acceptable to Mil, and I honestly don't know what else I can do
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Been reading about Ann's MIL dramas this morning, ...and still some people think Dementia is just a bit of forgetfulness! Perhaps that's all it is for some sufferers, but your MIL, Ann, and my hubs seem to have that strange mixture of awareness and confusion that makes it really hard to cope with. Her believing so consistently that her son is her husband must be the hardest thing to deal with. That, and the missing babby.
Hubs has a conviction that lots of people live in this house, but are missing, and nothing I can say will convince him that it's just we two who live here and the others are visitors who come and go. And yet, when we do have visitors, or just one visitor,it's never long before he's begging me, behind their backs, to get rid of them. No win. To their faces he's charm itself.
It's such a complicated disease. He's aware that his memory is very bad, and yet firmly believes his own version of things.
More research please, so that at least we can begin to understand, if not cure.
Hubs has a conviction that lots of people live in this house, but are missing, and nothing I can say will convince him that it's just we two who live here and the others are visitors who come and go. And yet, when we do have visitors, or just one visitor,it's never long before he's begging me, behind their backs, to get rid of them. No win. To their faces he's charm itself.
It's such a complicated disease. He's aware that his memory is very bad, and yet firmly believes his own version of things.
More research please, so that at least we can begin to understand, if not cure.
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