Morning all,
Grace, I've had to phone 999 regarding Mil once, just a few weeks after she moved in. We'd only just started to experience how bad the sundowning and resultant behaviour can be, were waiting for the 'emergency' appointment with her consultant and she wasn't yet on any medication. And early one evening, she absolutely flipped, got out of the house in the pouring rain, was completely hysterical and I couldn't get her back indoors - she was off down the road, oblivious to traffic, screaming, crying, I was scared of a heart or angina attack. I left son and a friend watching her while I pegged it home and after phoning the hospital department that we were waiting for an appointment with, they said it was clear that as she was putting herself at risk, I must phone 999 as she may need to be sectioned. So I did. Police and ambulance turned up, the police approaching us first - Mil was initally really incoherant and ranting, but I think the 'authority figures' of the police had a pretty quick impact and she started to calm down. The police were utterly brilliant, kind to Mil but clearly they understood the situation. Between them and us (OH had left work and arrived after my frantic phone call to him) we got her back home and the police spent about 15 minutes talking with us, during which time Mil realised exactly how she had behaved and was mortified. We were given the option of her being admitted to hospital or remaining at home, and as she was now calm, we opted for her to stay and the ambulace left. Before the police left, they spoke to me and OH, reassuring us that we had done the right thing and saying that IF we ever felt that Mil's behaviour was such that a threat of injury or harm was posed to her
OR US, we must call 999 again. They assured us that they were used to dealing with similar situations, and quite honestly, they could not have handled any better, with kindness to Mil being only a secondary consideration to her safety. I know its a different scenario to what you face with your Mil, but as they said, if risk to anyone is present - and the risk of YOU being assaulted by your Mil is very much present - then it was the right thing to do and they are trained to deal with it. I hope this reassures you, hun xxx
Oh boy, Delphie - and everyone else - do I know what you mean about the 'conversations'! When they go on, even for maybe just half an hour, they are just so mentally exhausting. You can't just 'switch off' as you are trying to give responses that won't cause upset, but following the convoluted logic, the repetition, the u turns and figuring out the right response to give (which can change from one second to the next) takes a masive amount of mental effort. I
still find it hard to completely let go of 'logic' in my responses and often find myself put on the spot by something Mil will say, not able to find any response other than an instinctive 'What?' at times, because my head just can't process what she has said, or come up with an appropriate response straight away. Which obviously doesn't help, as as far as she is concerned, she is making perfect sense and I must be being deliberately stupid or trying to confuse her when I can't come up with a reply to what she has said. Recently, even non-commital responses, like just saying 'Really? Fancy that!' or 'Oh, right', are not working, as she will berrate me for 'not answering properly'. Taking part in a conversation like that is like being constantly on 'alert' - you just never know whats coming at you
Anne and Lemony - we often get Mil asking OH - 'S***, is it OK if I phone S***, please?'. Or I get 'Ann - do you know where Ann is?'. She has asked OH, several times how his Mum is doing, Lemony - and like yourself, when he has replied that she is his Mum, he has been told 'Don't start that again - I'm sick of you saying that. You shouldn't tell lies!'. A regular event is us all being in the front room in the evening and Mil suddenly sitting up straight and looking round asking where one or the other of us is? And when we all point to the person she is asking about, she often responds with 'Oh - I didn't see you there!', even if they are sat next to her - either that or she will say, 'No - not him/her - I mean the other one'.
Mils mood continued to be all over the place, yesterday. After the fuss over her being convinced that she had lent her teeth out to some 'woman down the road', she suddenly lapsed into tears because she was 'so tired'. I suggested she went to lie down for a while, but she said she couldn't while her hair was wet (I had offered to blow dry it for her, a few minutes before, only to have her rudely refuse). So I offered (again) to dry it for her, and she agreed - which prompted a confused confabulation about how it was a good thing that she was able to pay for me to go to 'hairdressing school' and did I still have the salon in town? Hair dry, I said that she would be able to go and have a sleep now if she wanted, only to be told not to be stupid - she never goes to bed in the middle of the day. She sat in the dining room and just basically whinged for about 20 minutes - she didn't know what to do about her handbag being stolen, her mouth was sore, it was hot and she didn't suppose she was allowed to open the patio doors - then when they were opened, she complained about the draught
One of those 'conversations' started with her asking me was I going to 'the dance tonight', me saying no, her insisting that I told her earlier that I was. I said I'd changed my mind and got told off for 'wasting money buying that new dress' if I wasn't going. I said I'd wear it again, that it wouldn't go to waste, she responded with 'thats good - what time is the taxi coming?' - I asked what taxi and was told the taxi I'd booked to get me to the dance. Then, after about 10 minutes of 'going to the dance related loop', back to tears and a sobbed out claim that I didn't know how much she envied me - apparently because I have a 'good marriage' and hers was awful (it wasn't!). Couldn't calm her, she was getting more and more upset by the minute, so I told her it was time for the nap the doctor had said she must have - and surprisingly, she listened and up she went!
We got about 2 hours peace then, which I used to nip out and get the shopping done. About 2.30, she came downstairs, very much calmer and had a sandwich and a drink. Her mouth was much less swollen, though she said it was still sore. Then, after coming down from the loo, she annouced that she had a tummy upset - she was up and down to the toilet for about half an hour, before it seemed to ease. When I asked, about an hour later how her tummy was feeling now, she didn't have a clue what i was talking about. Throughout the afternoon, she was up and down a lot, thinking that she had to go out to buy shoes, that those men were coming to visit, that her nephew and his family would be here soon so she had better get the tea done. Saying she was just going to the toilet, she took herself back to bed for another hour, before coming down and joining us in the garden - we had decided on a bar-b-que tea - and we had another couple of hours of 'normal' confusion from her, before we went back indoors. Despite saying she was tired, she actually seemed to get into the Harry Potter film that we decided to watch (though I really don't want to think about what stories that might produce in the future!) she was actually pretty quiet and seemed engrosed in a way we rarely see these days. But as soon as it finished, she started on 'home' and straight into it didn't mater if WE had sold her house, she has somewhere else to go and she was going. I had knocked myself out, all day, to be especially nice and patient with her, as she was clearly not 100% with the mouth ulcer and the tummy upset, but it had been a long day, and she got told it was time for bed. Up she went, with me following after 10 minutes as usual, to get her into the pull ups. She didn't refuse, but boy - was she awkward about it. Handed them to her, she said 'I'll put them on now', but then spent 5 minutes repositioning her slippers by the side of her bed, moving them a fraction of an inch this way and that, smirking and sending sideways glances at me, presumably watching to see if she was winding me up?. I asked her again to put the pull ups on 'I will - in a minute' - and got her dressing gown off the hook and proceeded to put it on. I asked why she was doing that? - big grin and 'because I want to - do you mind?'. 'Please put those on', I asked again - she said she would, in her own time! After re-arranging the slippers again, taking off the dressing gown and spending a few minutes smoothing and tugging at it on the hook, then another few minutes running her hands over the duvet, saying she wanted to 'make the bed properly' first, she finally put the pull ups on - by which time, I think I would have got away with a verdict of 'justifiable homicide' in any court you care to mention - and I was able to say 'night' and leave the room.
We've had much worse days, I guess, but I was completely shattered by the end of yesterday, and am hoping for a MUCH better day today. OH has been warned that he is on point today, so Old Red may have to be neglected, as I think its most definitely his turn to do most of the dealing today!
Hope you guys all manage to have a good day xxxx
