1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,589
    West Midlands
    Oooh she most definitely is.... :eek:

    But my lips are sealed :D


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  2. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    Interesting thought. The only problem when I return Maureen may fear yet again that it is her ex coming back - his dad. This happened on my return from Portugal - that was a year ago and the condition has progressed since then. So it is very tricky and to bring back her nightmares from that era would be a disaster. Her sons are not an option for respite for obvious reasons.
     
  3. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,918
    Suffolk
    And I was quiet there. If only you'd known me in my 20s and 30s! Such a relief not having to query everything, sort out everything, be annoying over everything.
    I had a good comeback at care home yesterday! Caught up with a weeks nags to them! Amongst other things someone had cut his hair and beard. Beard in particular was dreadful, looks like he had a bad shave! Well, if there are prepared to shave him, good luck, but his chin needs a beard and I shall divorce him if they shave it off!
     
  4. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    #2004 Ann Mac, Jun 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
    Usually, appalling behaviour is the first (and sometimes only) sign of an infection, Red - you're right. But I wondered if just any change could be down to infection, too?. This morning, she is (to be blunt) foul tempered but confused.

    As I joined her in the bathroom, she asked me how I expected her to walk around Manchester with a stiff leg? I told her that I didn't know she was going to Manchester. Did work not tell me?, she asked. I said no, but 'don't worry, hun - when the driver picks you up I'll tell him that you don't feel up to walking round Manchester today'.

    'You're cruel, you are - a cruel b***h'!

    'EH?'

    'I was looking forward to going to Manchester'

    'I'm sorry, I thought you weren't feeling up to walking round?'

    'I'm not walking round - I'm going to the hospital there'

    'I didn't know you had an appointment in a Manchester hospital, sorry'

    I don't have an appointment - I'm going to visit Ann's Mum

    'My Mum isn't in hospital, love'

    'I heard you telling someone downstairs

    And on - and on - it went. Didn't matter if I agreed, if I went along with her, she turned it into me saying something she didn't like. Tried giving very non-committal 'really's?' and 'Oh right's' and she gave me grief for 'not answering her properly'.

    Downstairs, face like a smacked bum on her, snapping at everyone. I got it in the neck for not having her porridge in front of her quickly enough and then because it was too hot and not enough milk. OH got it for being 'too cheerful for this time of the day' when he wished her 'Good morning'. Admittedly, youngest daughter does sing all the flipping time and it can be annoying, but when Mil snapped at her very rudely to 'shut up', both OH and I jumped on her.

    Back to 'going to Manchester' - now it was me who had told her she had to go, told her before she even got out of bed and told her as soon as she came downstairs, apparently. On and on she went - if we said 'don't worry, you don't have to go' she would instantly complained how dare we try and stop her. If we agreed with her saying she was going, it was instant how horrible we were to make her.

    Doing her hair, OH had left the room and still on about Manchester, how he was forcing her to go. I said no one was forcing her to do anything - 'he is - and if he has told you different, he is a liar'.

    OH came back in as I was trying to suggest it was too warm for her coat and she was insisting on putting it on. Sudden tears - she wanted to go home to Ireland but couldn't now because she'll have nowhere to stay - they burried Paddy last week, she claimed. OH responded that he hoped not, because her brother Paddy is still very much alive! Sobbing, she argued that she had had a letter telling her that he was dead - we tried to comfort her saying he was still alive, but not a chance. OH finally said, OK, if she said so, then fine - Paddy was dead. And now we were cruel for telling her that.

    ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

    She basically couldn't/wouldn't stop going on and on and on, talking absolute nonsense, jumping from one supposed calamity to another. Was so glad when the mini bus turned up - though the driver looked rather taken aback with my response of 'I might' when he asked me would I be picking her up later?

    I checked, very thoroughly, the area where the cellulitis usually flares up and to be honest, its looking fine , with the dry skin patch she had been left with actually looking better. Checked the rest of her legs too, in case a new patch was starting - nothing. I stayed in the loo with her when she used the toilet - no problems starting to wee, no odour, no indication of discomfort and no 'stop and starting' or only passing a tiny amount - so absolutely no indication of any infection there. The bed and pull ups were both dry this morning, too. Her breathing is also no worse than usual - so I really don't know what's going on with her. She was still struggling for words and the walking was no better - I did notice something very odd, though. When she gets up from her seat and starts to walk, she sort of starts of with almost a little 'hop' as though she has to put extra effort into getting her leg moving. Isn't that typical of Parkinsons gait? A sign that its getting worse?

    Heaven help day care today if the mood she is in doesn't improve :(

    2jays - is it a case of 'what happens at LA, stays at LA'? :D

    Spamar, Mil now has her hair done at day care - and the cut is bloody awful - uneven layers and cut against the curl so it rarely sits right. But, she was starting to really dislike going to a salon, objected strongly to a hair dresser coming to the house - and asks the day care hairdresser to do her hair every time she is there, so I've given in. I content myself with cursing under my breath as I try to blow dry or style it into something presentable, every morning!

    According to tracking, my camera travelled to Preston late last night, and ended up in Deeside at 4a.m.. At '4.03' it left the depot 'for delivery' - so hoping it will be here very shortly! Seemed to be a very convoluted route from South Yorkshire!!!
     
  5. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,589
    West Midlands
    Yes ann it does.... But I don't think I'm telling tales if I just mention..... No no I mustn't :D

    I think before working out what's going on with MIL..... You need to answer the question

    "If a tree falls in a wood and nothing is there to hear it fall... Does it make a sound" once you've answered that one there is the other question "what sound does it make"

    Then once you have managed to answer those questions, you will find working out what's wrong with MIL easy peasy :rolleyes:

    Hugs xxx

    I nearly had a nag...




    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,030
    Female
    Chester
    Just popping in to say been reading but not had time to comment this week. Been to another bank this morning to register LPA, and dau going away for a week with school and seems to have no suitable clothes (think I haven't bought her much in last 18 months with this going on) so off to local shops (Cheshire Oaks) and may have to pop into Chester later.
     
  7. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Hope you have a chance to enjoy the mother-daughter shopping expedition, rather than it simply seeming like another thing to do in too-little time, JM. I know I got to the stage where life seemed like a tick-list because of the pressures.
     
  8. yadit0

    yadit0 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    21
    Leicestershire
    So Bizarre

    Ann Mac, I had a similar thing with my mum but only the once up to now she rang me very upset, saying she had heard her Grandson on the radio saying he and his family were going to the Seychells but they were not taking his grandmother, (My Mum) we normally all holiday together. Where an earth did she get that from The Seychells I have no idea, shes never been and would have no idea where it was, I could only presume she had heard it on the TV at some point as she never listens to the radio. I had to have a little chuckle to my self and say I wish.
     
  9. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    My diary has gone now perhaps it is with my Hudl. Anyway what else have I got to do as Maureen is sleeping off the relentless verbal onslaught from an invisible. Thank goodness he won't be around again for a while. The hunt is on.......:D
     
  10. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,589
    West Midlands
    #2010 2jays, Jun 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
    I feel a poem coming on :eek:
    It doesn't happen often....

    But first I need to know... Are your wallet or hudl male? And you might want to change the name to hudl or wallet :D

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UQrHbbfGsDA


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  11. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    Now a poem for my diary please cause I have FOUND my Hudl.
     
  12. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,587
    Scotland
    Where ?
     
  13. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,030
    Female
    Chester
    :D
     
  14. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    #2014 Ann Mac, Jun 26, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2015
    Morning all.

    I'm working on the tree puzzle, 2jays - suspect I may find the answer to that, before I find the answer as to why Mil does what she does :rolleyes: :)

    JM, Red is right - too often instead of taking time and enjoying things like a Mum/Daughter shopping trip, things like that do end of as something to be just 'ticked off' a list - I hope you and your girl managed to have a nice time together.

    yaditO , I seemed to spend a fair bit of my thinking time trying to work out where some of Mils delusions spring from - sometimes, I can identify where the idea's come from, but other times, I'm completely stumped. Increasingly, though, there is no doubt that the TV plays a part and we now have to very discretly (because there are certain programmes she loves but which we know will set her off) try and be selective about what she views.

    Where was the hudle, GL? Hope Maureen has recovered from the invisibles visit, bless her x

    Had words with day care yesterday. Walked in to collect Mil, to find her very confused and agitated, she wanted to know if the visitors her son and Seamus were expecting had turned up?. Though she has a legion of Irish nephews and relatives, none have the name Seamus - the only Seamus she knows is our lunatic puppy, so I assume that's where that name came from! Anyway, reassured and said 'lets go', only to have Mil make a beeline for a plate of biscuits saying she must finish them first. Now, I've had 2 or 3 face to face conversations about Mil's weight with the senior staff there, I've spoken to them on the phone about her being given large bags of sweets as 'raffle prizes' or about her lifting sweets and chocolates from other relatives. I've reported the concerns raised about Mils breathing as a result of the extra weight after her COPD review, about how upset she gets at being increasingly breathless, about the worsening of her arthritis and about how difficult it is for her to bend and dry her feet, put on shoes and do numerous other things when she is carrying nearly 13 stones on a 5 foot frame. Each time, I'm told that they will stop the second breakfast of toast laden with butter as soon as she walks through the door, and stop the providing her with biscuits and cakes every time she asks. They have also said they will do something about portion control at meal times. But its clear that they aren't doing this - last week one staff made reference to her having her 'usual toast' on arrival and another said she had been asking for biscuits all day, adding that they had just given her 'plain ones' (rich tea and digestives)! Seeing her with the biscuits, I saw red - in front of all the other staff and in earshot of the lady in the kitchen, I told them it had to stop and that they weren't being fair to Mil. That I'd asked several times and was fed up with having to deal with the results of the weight gain and the upset it was causing Mil, as well as the damage to her health. That they were making life harder for both Mil and me. I wasn't rude, but I made it clear how fed up I was - there were a couple of surprised faces, they are definitely not used to me being an 'awkward' relative, but honestly - what do I have to do to get them to listen and act? Mil was not one bit bothered at this, concentrating instead on stuffing the last of the biscuits in her mouth, her only comment was 'It was only two biscuits, Ann' :rolleyes:

    In the car, initially quite confused and a confabulation about her having been to the shops to pick up 'something for the woman who lives next door but one' led to a panic as she declared that she had left the shopping behind and please we had to go back for it as it was a 'present for the womans' Mum's birthday, an ornament' and she had to get it as the birthday was 'tomorrow'.

    Back home, no nastiness, but oh my goodness - the delusions and confabulations :( We had the 'little girl', we had looking for dance shoes, a box of pots, looking for the letter from her nephew, asking where the room with the lights in it had gone, looking for the piles of clothes she said she had just ironed, all the cushions off the sofa as she searched for something she couldn't remember the name of, asking me where Ann had gone and where Ann's daughter was (as youngest was sat next to her). Oldest phoned to tell us how her primary school placement was going (the last thing she has to do to finish her teacher training) and she spoke to her Nana, who spent 5 minutes telling oldest about how she had spent all day walking by the river and - after asking about what Oldest was doing and being told again about how she had got a job - was amazed because her son's daughter had also just trained as a teacher and had got a job in Stockport too. When she finished on the phone, within less than a minute, she was telling me about when she taught in a primary school - after she came out of the army, that was :rolleyes:

    The chatter and the confusion, with her groping for words and sometimes sounding a little garbled because of that, carried on all evening - as I said, not a bit nasty but boy, it caused ringing ears. I offered her meds at 8.30 and she said no, she wanted to stay up for a bit, but finally at about 9.30, OH simply told her it was time for meds and bed, and off she went. Helping her/making sure she put the pull ups on upstairs, she informed me she was getting worried she might be pregnant, as she hadn't had a period 'for months' - I reckon I did well to come up with telling her that no, it was the medicine she had 'last time you were poorly' that was causing the delay, not pregnancy - she accepted that, thank God, but again - the mind boggles!

    Just after 3 a.m., on my way to the bathroom I heard noise from her room, and on checking found her stood in front of the wardrobe rifling through her clothes - but she let me guide her back to bed and settled straight back to sleep, so that was OK.

    My camera finally arrived at 3.30 yesterday afternoon, having taken 11 and a half hours to make the usually 45 minute journey from Deeside, according to parcel tracking - must have taken the scenic route :rolleyes: Anyway, hoping to find time to have a play with that today, once I have the usual chores sorted.

    Hope you all have a good day today x
     
  15. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    #2015 Grey Lad, Jun 26, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2015
    Hi AnnMac sounds like another busy day. The Hudl surface when I turned over a chair in the lounge. when I was looking for my diary. Now I am sure I had done that before.

    I don't think Maureen has recovered from visit of invisible. She is clearly still tired and who wouldn't be after that ear bashing but there is more to it than that. As she is 'time travelling' she may be even more confused about where she is in her life span. She is clearly unsettled this morning and I haven't helped things by showing my irritation over a minor matter. It will be interesting to see how things go but my guess is that visitors cause confusion and mess up our routine. Unfortunately, as you know none of this helps.

    Later Note: Maureen sobbing in bed that she wants to go home but realises she lives here and there is nothing to look forward to. This is a common response when her son comes. She wants to go back to a time when dementia was not having such an impact on her life. I think?
     
  16. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Go, Ann! -- Let's see if they take any notice now...
     
  17. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    I'm glad you had a few words. 13 stones is far too much for a lady who is vertically challenged-it's no wonder that MIL has problems with COPD. As you say it's not fair on either of you.

    You can buy weight watcher biscuits:) If MIL gets really huffy about lack of biscuits could they try those? Mind you I've no idea how calorie friendly they really are.

    Ann- you have the patience of a saint.

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,918
    Suffolk
    No grey, she wants to go back to when there were no problems, which usually means childhood, although it can mean some nebulous state that doesn't actually exist.
     
  19. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    I think we are not differing on this point. She simply does not like having dementia. Unfortunately, her default has always been flight: to run away rather than face up to difficulties in her life. I think this is making it even more difficult for her. But you can guess who suggest that I think to much. Here's a hint - they are not easy to see and they don't visit very often.:D
     
  20. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,918
    Suffolk
    Don't forget, grey, nobody likes having dementia and nobody likes dealing with it!

    Ann, bet you're having a fun time with new camera!

    Had yet another blood test this morning, ostensibly so that the rheumatologist will have something up to date. Unfortunately, no appt as yet! The nurse asked if OH was still at home. When I said no, In care, she said I was looking much less harassed! Or maybe it's Launde! I know one thing, my sinusitis has got a lot worse since I got home and my eyes are really sore. Maybe need a bit of rain? It's dry as chips here!

    OHs FNC this afternoon, that'll be fun!
     

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