re your post (1190) Ann. I too feel as though I have taken control from my husband in so many ways, and can understand that although it is done with his best interest in mind, it must still register with him. I think this is what leads too a very firm 'no' from him sometimes, even when what I'm asking him to do is quite innocuous.
So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
Its awful, isn't it, because although we can understand the resentment, what on earth can we do about it? Yesterday evening wasn't a good time here, as sundowning started at about 6pm, and went on till bed at 10pm, and it felt like we were constantly refusing and dictating everything. OH was trying to put in a couple of hours on DIY work in the bathroom (being altered for Mil) so it was mainly me dealing with her, and again, she ended up getting really nasty with me - why can't I take her home now, why can't she go to bed now, over and over - didn't matter how I tried to distract, or explain, very quickly it went to me not doing what she wants because I'm evil, cruel, nasty, I never help her with anything, it would kill me to be nice to her, she would hate to have to rely on me for anything, it was the worst day of OH's life when he married me . . .
And for all the reminding myself that she can't help it, that it must be horrible to lose choice to the extent she has, that she must be sick of me having 'control', after 3 hours, I was fed up and feeling resentful, and basically sick to the back teeth of her and the nastiness, and I snapped at her a couple of times.
Vicious circle, sometimes
Yes indeed, Ann, in your mil's case a very vicious circle.
And such a far cry from the image of 'the forgetful granny' that many people think is dementia.
You put up with such a lot, it's hardly surprising that you snap back sometimes.
DIY on the go can add to stress levels, but hope that's soon finished and will prove worth the time and effort.
Best wishes, sleepless.
And such a far cry from the image of 'the forgetful granny' that many people think is dementia.
You put up with such a lot, it's hardly surprising that you snap back sometimes.
DIY on the go can add to stress levels, but hope that's soon finished and will prove worth the time and effort.
Best wishes, sleepless.
Ann, whatever happened to the "I am not discussing this now because...." said in a firm voice? Is that just for battles that you really want to win ie you are going to day care?
And for all the reminding myself that she can't help it, that it must be horrible to lose choice to the extent she has, that she must be sick of me having 'control', after 3 hours, I was fed up and feeling resentful, and basically sick to the back teeth of her and the nastiness, and I snapped at her a couple of times.
Vicious circle, sometimes
Perfectly and utterly understandable. Don't beat yourself up. Accomplishes nothing but making you feel bad and when you're feeling bad the whole resentment thing gets even worse. After all, when we care for a child, we get positive reinforcement - a return of love, thanks (well, until they reach teenage hood!) We've got that template of caring hard-wired into our heads. It's impossible to simply tear it up. (Mixed metaphors!)
Oh, I use it Lizzy - what that tends to do is act as a brake on her agitation building up to flash point. You hit a stage where whatever distraction/lwl/explanation you use, it gets mis-interpreted or twisted, and fuels her anger - no matter how nicely you speak, or how apologetic you are - and using that response then usually stops it moving to the point where she is pounding on doors or windows, shouting 'help me', and agitated enough to have us worried about her breathing. Sometimes, she will sulk when we say it, and then we get some peace. Sometimes, it actually stops her dead and she calms. Sometimes, not even that works. Sometimes, she keeps on trying to get what she wants or - it feels like - even provoke. Last night was the latter, but it still prevented the more extreme behaviour - she stayed stuck on the demands to be taken home, or be allowed to go to bed early (just can't let her - it always, always means a very disturbed night for us all) and was making odd nasty digs and comments , but went no further. I snapped when, after she had again said 'I'm going to bed now', and I'd again said 'You have to wait for your tablets at 10, and I am not discussing it again', then I went out onto the patio for a smoke and to take myself out of the conversation. She got up, said to youngest 'Well - I'm going so tell your Mum 'HA!', and headed up the stairs, meaning I had to come flying in and stop her. It must have been the 10th time at least it had happened, and this time, as I called her and asked her to come downstairs, she told me that I may as well forget having 'any peace' because she was going to 'keep this up' until I let her do as she wanted. All good resolutions flew out the window, and she got told in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought of her behaviour.
Stupid, stupid me, because it just made her all the more determined. I went back to 'Not discussing' afterwards, but now she had a 'reason' in her head to be justified in insulting me - and boy - did she! At 10, OH gave her her meds, and on her way through to bed, she stopped and made some comments along the lines of 'Got my own way', and like a fool, I told her to 'grow up!', and there was then an exchange of cross words as she left the room. I'm lucky that didn't start a full scale melt down, and could have kicked myself afterwards. But just sometimes, especially when you don't get 2 minutes peace in between her going on and on and on, I just struggle, and last night was one of those times
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Oh gosh Ann - what an account of a terrible evening. I too get the screaming (and the "DON'T SHOUT AT ME!!!), the persistent goading and accusations (it's about some stolen scissors this week) but my mum does go to bed at 7 o'clock and sleeps (she loves her wine) through to morning.
I can only imagine how frazzled your nerves (and those of hubby and children) must be at 10 o'clock.
Best wishes.
- Twiddler x
I can only imagine how frazzled your nerves (and those of hubby and children) must be at 10 o'clock.
Best wishes.
- Twiddler x
Oh, I use it Lizzy - what that tends to do is act as a brake on her agitation building up to flash point. You hit a stage where whatever distraction/lwl/explanation you use, it gets mis-interpreted or twisted, and fuels her anger - no matter how nicely you speak, or how apologetic you are - and using that response then usually stops it moving to the point where she is pounding on doors or windows, shouting 'help me', and agitated enough to have us worried about her breathing. Sometimes, she will sulk when we say it, and then we get some peace. Sometimes, it actually stops her dead and she calms. Sometimes, not even that works. Sometimes, she keeps on trying to get what she wants or - it feels like - even provoke. Last night was the latter, but it still prevented the more extreme behaviour - she stayed stuck on the demands to be taken home, or be allowed to go to bed early (just can't let her - it always, always means a very disturbed night for us all) and was making odd nasty digs and comments , but went no further. I snapped when, after she had again said 'I'm going to bed now', and I'd again said 'You have to wait for your tablets at 10, and I am not discussing it again', then I went out onto the patio for a smoke and to take myself out of the conversation. She got up, said to youngest 'Well - I'm going so tell your Mum 'HA!', and headed up the stairs, meaning I had to come flying in and stop her. It must have been the 10th time at least it had happened, and this time, as I called her and asked her to come downstairs, she told me that I may as well forget having 'any peace' because she was going to 'keep this up' until I let her do as she wanted. All good resolutions flew out the window, and she got told in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought of her behaviour.
Stupid, stupid me, because it just made her all the more determined. I went back to 'Not discussing' afterwards, but now she had a 'reason' in her head to be justified in insulting me - and boy - did she! At 10, OH gave her her meds, and on her way through to bed, she stopped and made some comments along the lines of 'Got my own way', and like a fool, I told her to 'grow up!', and there was then an exchange of cross words as she left the room. I'm lucky that didn't start a full scale melt down, and could have kicked myself afterwards. But just sometimes, especially when you don't get 2 minutes peace in between her going on and on and on, I just struggle, and last night was one of those times
Reading this reminds me of some of the things my mum does - the constant digs and accusations. It is a relief to know that im not the only one that has reacted the way you did - despite trying not too a at that point i know i have failed and made my life worse.
Im not sure if Dementia is the full story with my mum, hence my own post but yea bells are ringing and just want to say im with you...
Thanks, everyone
All quiet here - not a day care day, and OH in work, but Mil very, very subdued. Possibly - in fact, I think probably - she actually has some memory of last night and I think has some idea that she may have said or done something to annoy. At one stage last night, she informed OH that she would rather 'go in a home' than share a house with me, to which he responded that he'd arrange it, if she liked - empty threat, but I think its registered with her. She was as good as gold with bath and hairwash this morning, and has been very polite since, no reptition or pestering, whilst I've managed to catch up with a lot of paperwork - finally getting that done should help relieve the 3a.m. waking and worrying cycle, at least - Ive grown to have such a dread of forms and officialdom, that I tend to avoid it and leave it till the last minute, its good to have actually got a lot of it sorted
CPN phoned and the sample I sent in yesterday hasn't (so far) flagged up any infections on her system, so it looks like a UTI isn't responsible for the last few days - don't know whether to cheer that we are now on our 4th week infection free, or think, blast it, maybe the new meds are not having the effect we had hoped for!
Going to try and keep things nice and calm - would be good to have a fairly relaxed evening - for a change, lol!
All quiet here - not a day care day, and OH in work, but Mil very, very subdued. Possibly - in fact, I think probably - she actually has some memory of last night and I think has some idea that she may have said or done something to annoy. At one stage last night, she informed OH that she would rather 'go in a home' than share a house with me, to which he responded that he'd arrange it, if she liked - empty threat, but I think its registered with her. She was as good as gold with bath and hairwash this morning, and has been very polite since, no reptition or pestering, whilst I've managed to catch up with a lot of paperwork - finally getting that done should help relieve the 3a.m. waking and worrying cycle, at least - Ive grown to have such a dread of forms and officialdom, that I tend to avoid it and leave it till the last minute, its good to have actually got a lot of it sorted
CPN phoned and the sample I sent in yesterday hasn't (so far) flagged up any infections on her system, so it looks like a UTI isn't responsible for the last few days - don't know whether to cheer that we are now on our 4th week infection free, or think, blast it, maybe the new meds are not having the effect we had hoped for!
Going to try and keep things nice and calm - would be good to have a fairly relaxed evening - for a change, lol!
Glad things are quieter at the mo, Ann (fingers crossed! )
I'm doing paperwork too .....and feeling horribly guilty because I'm not at mum's. It does have to be done, though, doesn't it......like you I'm hoping I'll soon feel better about it
Hope today continues on a good path for you xx
)I'm doing paperwork too .....and feeling horribly guilty because I'm not at mum's. It does have to be done, though, doesn't it......like you I'm hoping I'll soon feel better about it
Hope today continues on a good path for you xx
Glad things are quieter at the mo, Ann (fingers crossed!
I'm doing paperwork too .....and feeling horribly guilty because I'm not at mum's. It does have to be done, though, doesn't it......like you I'm hoping I'll soon feel better about it
Hope today continues on a good path for you xx
Thanks Lindy - hope you managed to get all the paperwork done
Not a bad evening, at all - we were back to the confusion and delusions, looking for things she couldn't describe but she swore she had been 'playing with' only moments before, and her wanting to go and clean her son's 'Mothers house', but not as bad as at the weekend, and no insults, and no constant demands for bed and home. Actually managed to finish the book that I've been trying to get to the end of for the last 5 days, lol!
Day care today and tomorrow, but also another hospital appointment tomorrow morning - at the continence clinic, which I am dreading. 'Accidents' are slowly getting more frequent, but obviously, she doesn't 'remember' this, and I'm expecting a lot of angry denial tomorrow if I have to say anything actually in front of her - having spoken to the clinic, when I phoned to book the appointment, I can't say I was impressed by the attitude - they want her to go with a full bladder and hold it, and I tried to explain that she probably wouldn't be able to do that and may get upset if I try to make her - and I got the impression that they thought I was being difficult, that all I had to do was explain to her and of course, she would cooperate
We'll see what tomorrow brings!
Just want to say
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!
Someone is stuck in the 'lipstick loop', and its driving me mad. Maybe 12 or 13 times its been put on this morning, and she is now complaining (again) that she can't find her lipstick and needs to put some on.
Hurry up, mini bus!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!
Someone is stuck in the 'lipstick loop', and its driving me mad. Maybe 12 or 13 times its been put on this morning, and she is now complaining (again) that she can't find her lipstick and needs to put some on.
Hurry up, mini bus!
Oh Anne Mac I really feel for you we haven't had the lipstick one "sorry had to say that"
but the wallet, money, diabetic sweets checked, toilet 2 dozen times all while waiting for the mini bus and complaining if its late, sometimes over 2 hours drives me to despair, I breath a sigh of relief when I hear it pull up, I hope it isn't too long a wait for you x
"sorry had to say that"but the wallet, money, diabetic sweets checked, toilet 2 dozen times all while waiting for the mini bus and complaining if its late, sometimes over 2 hours drives me to despair, I breath a sigh of relief when I hear it pull up, I hope it isn't too long a wait for you x
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Oh Anne Mac I really feel for you we haven't had the lipstick one
but the wallet, money, diabetic sweets checked, toilet 2 dozen times all while waiting for the mini bus and complaining if its late, sometimes over 2 hours drives me to despair, I breath a sigh of relief when I hear it pull it up, I hope it isn't too long a wait for you x
Mini bus 10 minutes late this morning - but its been, and she's gone, Thank Goodness - which sounds awful, but the lipstick loop was really bad today, for some reason! She managed to 'find' it and apply it twice more, after I last posted - that was in between me stopping her and reminding her she had it on already, another 3 or 4 times
Its so hard to judge when to get her up in the morning - I never know how long its going to take to get her ready - and days like today, when daughter has to be ready for school bus, and OH to go to work, I have to figure in having the bathroom free when its needed for each of them, so tend to err on the side of caution when trying to allow enough time to get Mil ready. This morning, she was 'great' in terms of no fuss and not taking an hour to get washed and dressed - but then that meant, after her breakfast and meds, and doing her hair, there was a whole 40 minutes to get through before the bus was due - and so she got stuck in the lipstick loop - but I guess it could easily have been the 'purse loop' or the 'My bag is heavy so lets empty it and then put everything back 20 times' loop or the 'have I got enough tissues' loop! The trouble with the 'lipstick' routine is that the more it happens, the more she is convinced that for some nefarious reason I am lying and simply trying to stop her looking 'nice' when she is going out. She point blank refuses to look in the mirror, and will just argue that she KNOWS she hasn't put any on and can I please explain what I have against her wanting to 'look decent'
And I can't bring myself to let her go out looking like Coco the Clown, that would be so mean, so its hard to avoid her getting naggy - actually, its hard to avoid ME getting naggy too!Right - take a deep breath, make myself a coffee and chill, before fitting in whatever chores and errands I can, before going off to volunteer at the gallery for a couple of hours!
TV people
Hi, Ann Mac - I think a lot of it may be TV-related. My dad told me confidently the other day that Tom Kerridge and all the other TV chefs come and cook in his kitchen. He also talks about coming home and finding crowds of people in the living room, or about talking to a couple of girls in the pub that morning (when he hasn't been out). None of these things distress him.
At the moment, though, he repeatedly asks when he and my mum are going back to their house, and says he finds it strange that the house they are in is identical to their real home (they've lived there for 52 years). He also asks how to get out of there, and we have to show him to the front door and back again. I wonder if it actually represents how he feels about the changes in his own mind.
Hi, Ann Mac - I think a lot of it may be TV-related. My dad told me confidently the other day that Tom Kerridge and all the other TV chefs come and cook in his kitchen. He also talks about coming home and finding crowds of people in the living room, or about talking to a couple of girls in the pub that morning (when he hasn't been out). None of these things distress him.
At the moment, though, he repeatedly asks when he and my mum are going back to their house, and says he finds it strange that the house they are in is identical to their real home (they've lived there for 52 years). He also asks how to get out of there, and we have to show him to the front door and back again. I wonder if it actually represents how he feels about the changes in his own mind.
Hi Penny,
Oh yes - the happenings on TV are sometimes very obviously responsible for some of the things Mil believes have happened/will happen in real life. Now and again, its very clear whats behind a 'belief' - I'm fairly sure the couple of days where she continually believed that a lot of people had shouted at her that the children either weren't mine, or weren't my OH's was down to Jeremy Vile! (his show is now banned - you can see her getting worked up as she watches it, so now I won't have it on - which is no loss!). Other times, I can only guess at a tenuous link between something she thinks and something that has been on the TV - we had a few days where she was convinced she had been strawberry picking, and was looking for the big basket of fruit and the bike she rode to get there - I think that was to do with a soap character, who was ill and wanted to eat strawberries, at the time? But I also wonder if fragmented memories from the past, or books, or things that have happened to other people she knows are the root - it takes only one little detail to pop into her head, and as she starts to tell us about it, the 'belief' seems to grow, and what she says becomes more complex and detailed as she talks. And dreams too - she seems, at times, to have amazingly vivid dreams, often sadly, that scare her - and I think they become real in her head too.
The 'multiple houses' is familiar. As are multiple, identical people - there is another Ann, who is married to a man with the same name and who looks like my OH, and they live in the 'other house' where she usually lives, she tells us. And she often wants to go back there. And the other house is identical to 'this' house, down to the pictures on the wall, the style of doors, the furniture - even an identical dog lives there. She puzzles over how all these people and places look exactly the same, sometimes getting cross because she thinks that we are playing some sort of trick on her
She insists its the same address as this house, but it isn't the same house, and no matter how illogical that sounds to us, she can't see anything unlikely or strange about all these duplicates. We've learnt just to make appropriate noises and comments, and to try and distract if she is getting upset.Another fairly calm evening here, till about 9pm, when she just got very confused. The 'little one' appeared briefly, as did the 'little girl'. She was fairly convinced that OH (only child) was her 'oldest son' and wanted to know where the 'other one' was (?). Asking questions, getting the answers then immeadiately asking the same questions again and again, and for the last half hour, we had the 'I'm going to bed' every minute or so. But - thats extremely mild compared to what it can be, Thankfully.
Hospital have changed the time of her appointment to late afternoon - grrrrrr - she is worse as the day goes on, so that is not going to be fun at all! They sent a 'tick box' sheet of questions for her to answer, all about any problems she has with her bladder - tried to go over it with her a couple of times now, answers change every flipping time, nothing ticked is likely to be accurate, so am going to type up a cover note this morning. No idea how she will manage 'holding' a full bladder - can see an uncomfortable time ahead for her - and me!
I had the same last night ann, 'I'm going to bed now, so tired' for about an hour from 8.30. I counted the seconds 26! from going to bedroom and coming back into sitting room. thought I was in for a bad night, but it wasn't too bad although she was up at 3am and I VERY calmly put her back to bed where she stayed till 5.30. Afraid I slept through my alarm and got up late.
