Hi, looking for advice here, in October last year mum who was living in sheltered accommodation but exhibiting signs of memory problems, badly broke her leg compound fracture and whilst in hospital and still confused managed to get up and put weight on the cast, which resulted in her getting an infection, she had about 8 general anaesthetics over about 6 weeks to try and clear it up and reset the break with pins and plates but eventually had her leg amputated in December. She was delirious and totally out of it, but in January she started to recover and was assessed as needing EMI nursing care. She moved into a home just round the corner from us and she is a lot better physically but mentally not so good, she is very unhappy and wants to go home, her short term memory is awful, she can be aggressive to staff and other residents and she doesn't remember who people are or that they have died, or follow the thread of conversations. But she can be very manipulative, she recently had an appointment at a memory clinic accompanied by a carer and the doctor told her she didn't have any problems and could live in supported accommodation! She is now fixated by this just as we thought she was settling in a bit better. Can they do this even though the SS the staff, carers at the home and everyone else come to think of it know she is in the right place receiving the right level of care. Worried and totally stressed.
So angry with doctor!
- Thread starter nikjaq
- Start date
Hello nikjaq, welcome to Talking Point - I can understand your being stressed and extremely worried, that's such a difficult situation with your mum. I don't have any experience of such things I'm afraid but am bumping you to the top so that hopefully another TP member can help.
All the best
Jude
All the best
Jude
Oh, Doctors, sometimes they can only see one piece and not the whole picture.
I would ask/demand Social Services and Hospital do a Best Interest assessment and somebody takes responsibility for the decision they make.
That will focus their minds on what really needs to happen rather than just issuing an opinion and leaving somebody else to pick up the pieces or worse, leaving vulnerable people to God and good neighbours.
I would ask/demand Social Services and Hospital do a Best Interest assessment and somebody takes responsibility for the decision they make.
That will focus their minds on what really needs to happen rather than just issuing an opinion and leaving somebody else to pick up the pieces or worse, leaving vulnerable people to God and good neighbours.
Hiya Nikjaq,
I would consider using the news from the Dr to help encourage your mum to modify some of the unwanted behaviours. Tell her before the Dr will approve the changes he will want to see that she is nice towards her carers, no aggression will be allowed as she will have to get on with the people around her. I would work with the care home staff to help her and use the dr as the carrot and say she will be reviewed at her next appointment etc to see how things have improved. Please don't take away her hope that she might get what she wants. After all that she has been through, hope will be important to her. When she asks about going home, don't think twice about blaming the dr for it not happening yet. No vacancies. Must be on ground floor. Whatever excuses you can use to delay things but keep her looking forward.
Fiona
I would consider using the news from the Dr to help encourage your mum to modify some of the unwanted behaviours. Tell her before the Dr will approve the changes he will want to see that she is nice towards her carers, no aggression will be allowed as she will have to get on with the people around her. I would work with the care home staff to help her and use the dr as the carrot and say she will be reviewed at her next appointment etc to see how things have improved. Please don't take away her hope that she might get what she wants. After all that she has been through, hope will be important to her. When she asks about going home, don't think twice about blaming the dr for it not happening yet. No vacancies. Must be on ground floor. Whatever excuses you can use to delay things but keep her looking forward.
Fiona
With my mother you could get her to modify her behaviour particularly when she was being particularly nasty because she wasn't getting her own way. I saw her strike out at people and when asked why she was doing that she would rely '"because she felt like it". She would however apologise to the person when she realised she was out of order. We were able to a certain extent let her know when things were acceptable or not.
I am not talking about modifying behaviours which are clearly beyond the control of the individual or where they are part of more serious mental health issues associated with their dementia. Of course there are those which are quite clearly beyond the person's ability to comprehend, let alone modify.
Hope this helps,
Fiona
I am not talking about modifying behaviours which are clearly beyond the control of the individual or where they are part of more serious mental health issues associated with their dementia. Of course there are those which are quite clearly beyond the person's ability to comprehend, let alone modify.
Hope this helps,
Fiona
Update
Thanks for your kind replies, I spoke with the doctor concerned and he said "oh I was going to phone you to get some background information" so when I gave him all the background information and the full circumstances of what mum is like he rather naively said "well your mum didnt tell me any of that" I sometimes despair of our NHS!
Anyway he has changed his opinion and now doesn't think she is fit to live independently.
The new problem we have is that my brother who was living abroad has returned home and is throwing his weight around, wanting mum moved to a nursing home nearer to where he stays! You wouldn't believe it I have looked after mum for the past 4 years while he has been away and he thinks he knows best after 2 visits, he's also got her back smoking after she hadn't even asked for one since her accident last October, she's got COPD, takes inhalers and most likely has vascular dementia! Where do we stand with this, can he just move her without anyone's permission?
Thanks for your kind replies, I spoke with the doctor concerned and he said "oh I was going to phone you to get some background information" so when I gave him all the background information and the full circumstances of what mum is like he rather naively said "well your mum didnt tell me any of that" I sometimes despair of our NHS!
Anyway he has changed his opinion and now doesn't think she is fit to live independently.
The new problem we have is that my brother who was living abroad has returned home and is throwing his weight around, wanting mum moved to a nursing home nearer to where he stays! You wouldn't believe it I have looked after mum for the past 4 years while he has been away and he thinks he knows best after 2 visits, he's also got her back smoking after she hadn't even asked for one since her accident last October, she's got COPD, takes inhalers and most likely has vascular dementia! Where do we stand with this, can he just move her without anyone's permission?
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Hello nikjaq
This is something you could do with taking up with Social Services. Who is seen as next of kin and whether a Lasting Power of Attorney is in place will have some bearing on the outcome.
The fact your brother has encouraged your mother to smoke again . especially when she has COPD shows how irresponsible he is and should not impress anyone as his suitability as primary carer.
If you want some immediate advice until Social Services `get back to you`, please phone the AS Helpline.
You can contact our helpline by calling 0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
This is something you could do with taking up with Social Services. Who is seen as next of kin and whether a Lasting Power of Attorney is in place will have some bearing on the outcome.
The fact your brother has encouraged your mother to smoke again . especially when she has COPD shows how irresponsible he is and should not impress anyone as his suitability as primary carer.
If you want some immediate advice until Social Services `get back to you`, please phone the AS Helpline.
You can contact our helpline by calling 0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
What a strange doctor. When my Mum went to the memory clinic accompanied by a carer the doctor phoned me while Mum was with him.
As I understand it if your Mum is self funding and your brother has health & welfare POA he can move her wherever he likes. However if anyone believes that it wouldn't be in her best interests then they can request a 'best interests' meeting so everyone can have their say.
As I understand it if your Mum is self funding and your brother has health & welfare POA he can move her wherever he likes. However if anyone believes that it wouldn't be in her best interests then they can request a 'best interests' meeting so everyone can have their say.
My brother and I have joint POA over her finances and health and welfare, she is not self funding and had a care needs assessment prior to being placed in her current Nursing home, she has had several reviews since then the last being only 2 weeks ago, she actually said she was quite happy now and she does have bad days but likes the staff, she is well cared for and I really thought we were turning the corner with her becoming more settled, now he's just thrown a spanner in the works, he actually told her hes going to "get her out of there" he doesn't realise he's only going to upset her even more.
I'd be inclined to say ''get on with it''
The DR we last saw had a great system going.
He handed me some info 'about him' very brief which also said, ''use your fingers to indicate you agree or disagree. The more fingers, the more you disagree.
So he asked Q direct to mum, with me being able to indicate I agreed or diagreed with what she was saying, the more fingers I raised off my knee, the more I disagreed!
I didn't have to utter a word, and he could see for him self - no conflict between mum and I either, she didn't notice!
Nothing worse than having someone ask questions to the patient, and for you to have to contradict their answer.
The DR we last saw had a great system going.
He handed me some info 'about him' very brief which also said, ''use your fingers to indicate you agree or disagree. The more fingers, the more you disagree.
So he asked Q direct to mum, with me being able to indicate I agreed or diagreed with what she was saying, the more fingers I raised off my knee, the more I disagreed!
I didn't have to utter a word, and he could see for him self - no conflict between mum and I either, she didn't notice!
Nothing worse than having someone ask questions to the patient, and for you to have to contradict their answer.
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