Slowly loosing my Dad

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Val3, Jan 22, 2009.

  1. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    So sorry

    So sorry that your dad passed away the one time you didnt stay later, maybe he was waiting for you to leave as is said so often.

    Please accept my sincere condolences to you and your family at this sad time.

    Love
    Janet
     
  2. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Dear Val,

    So sorry for you sad news. And thinking of you.

    I really know how you feel. It was so painful when mum died and I'd been by her side on and off for weeks. Went home to get an overnight bag and she'd passed away on my return. Was so heartbroken not to be there while she let go. Just glad and privileged to be there for the weeks and months before she passed away. We can only do what we can and I'm sure like me you know that you were there for him when he needed you.

    Hope you continue to keep talking about things and please take care.

    Kindest Regards
    Craig
     
  3. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Dear Val

    I am so very sorry to see your sad news. No need to feel guilty because you were not there at the end, so please dont do this to yourself, your dad knew you loved him, and thats all that matters.

    Time to get yourself together now, you are going to be busy over the coming days, so try to rest when you can, and look after yourself.
    Love
    Cate xxx
     
  4. Val3

    Val3 Registered User

    Aug 10, 2008
    18
    Thanks

    Thanks to everyone, this really helps so much at this time.

    I had another sleepless night, thoughts of my poor Dads face keep haunting me but I have thrown myself into the arrangments with my family. I want everone to remember what a lovely man he was. He didnt deserve to end his days like that, no one should, it is such a cruel illness.

    We have been talking about happier times before he was ill and that helps.

    Its comforting to know I am not alone with this experience.

    I know deep down I did all I could for him and I would do it all again if I had to because he was very special.

    Val x
     
  5. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    Thank you Cate. I work part time in a hospice and have heard stories similar to that...
    My Mum is in only a slightly weaker state than she was 2 weeks ago and has days when she takes a little liquid from a syringe. Unfortuantely I cannot be with her a lot as I live 80 miles away, so only see her once a week - but I have my bag packed ready to go, and I spent half the night trying to think of ways to support my 83 year old Dad when the time comes....
    :confused:
     
  6. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    3,805
    Surrey
    Hi Val,
    So sorry to hear your sad news. Just wanted to let you know that my Mum died 4 weeks ago today and I so recognise what you say about your parent's face haunting you and stopping you from sleeping. I found that difficult too and still get flashbacks. I found it helpful to find photos of my Mum in her happier times - in fact I included them on the back of the Order of Service, and these photos are so much more the person my Mum really was rather than the one in the hospital bed.

    I think it takes time to get rid of the haunting memories, to come to terms with what really happened. It is almost like a denial that it could have happened isn't it? I think just the normal pattern of grief. I also think it helps to talk about it or write about it so you can, when the time is right, move on. Just not talking about one little detail may bug you for years if not.

    And I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for everything you did for your Dad. Take care now.
     
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear Val

    So sorry to read your update ..... but your dad is released from his own nightmares .... yours too will ease ....

    Love Karen, x
     
  8. barbara h

    barbara h Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    96
    county durham
    Hi Val

    So sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. It happened the same with my mam in July we were with her all the time expecting it to happen any time and we had just decided to go home and had just got home when they rang to say she had died shortly after we had left. It is as if they wait for us to leave.

    The haunting memories were with me for a long time and just recently have started to get a few good memories back again. I was really worried they wouldn't return but i got lots of reassurance from people on here that they would. It is just part of the process made worse by seeing our loved ones go through this awful illness.

    Much love and my thoughts are with you at this sad time.

    barbara h
     
  9. Val3

    Val3 Registered User

    Aug 10, 2008
    18
    Comforting

    Thanks, Mary, Karen and Barbara for your kind words, it is comforting to hear other people's experiences and to know I am not on my own in this.

    I am so glad I joined this site, hearing that I am not the only one who has gone through this helps a lot.

    We have been going through some photos of my Dad when he was younger for the funeral and trying to capture the person he was before he was ill with our words is helping me.

    I know the haunting memories will not go away just yet but I hope in time they will fade.

    Val x
     
  10. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Dear Val

    I'm sorry you've lost your Dad, I lost my Mum to Alzheimer's recently.

    Be prepared for the 'sympathy' cards & letters. I know this sounds obvious, but they knocked me for 6 at first. However, whilst they provoked many tears they were also a reminder of the lovely, kind, funny person she was in the memories of her friends, especially those who hadn't seen her for some years.
    Those letters helped me overcome the more painful recent experiences, & recollect the real tough-as-nails but soft-as-butter lady I was so proud of for nearly 90 years.
     
  11. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Val

    I too have those final images in my mind, but I have put a really nice photo of my mum on my bedside table, so the last thing I see before trying to sleep is her looking very happy, and this has helped.

    Hope you are doing as OK as you can be.

    Love
    Cate xxx
     
  12. Val3

    Val3 Registered User

    Aug 10, 2008
    18
    Thanks for that Cate,

    Thats a good idea, there are lots of nice pictures of my Dad smiling and I will certainly do that.

    I thought last night, I haven't seen my Dad for 2 days now, it seemed really strange as I have seen him almost every day for about 2 months.

    Today I only cried twice, suppose things just get easier.

    The second time I did it was when I realised I would not hold my Dads hand again or have any contact.

    Val x
     
  13. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Val love you will just learn to live along side your grief, the missing doesnt seem to get any better, but you eventually learn to focus on the good happy times.

    Seven months down the road I will still have the occasional lapse and think 'Oh I must tell mum about this', and it hits me again, but its not as raw as it was. I even manage to have some thoughts along the line, 'mum would have loved this'.

    So its very early days, be kind to yourself and just let those tears flow, and do come and have a chat when you feel the need. I found that my nearest and dearest thought it better not to talk about mum in case I got upset, and all I wanted to do was talk about her all the time, thank God for my friends on TP who let me ramble on and on.

    You cannot hold dads hand again, but Oh, he is in your heart for ever.

    xxxx
     
  14. patradnor

    patradnor Registered User

    Dec 27, 2008
    69
    Dear Val
    I am thinking of you at this sad time.Love and Hugs Pat x
     
  15. Val3

    Val3 Registered User

    Aug 10, 2008
    18
    Hi Cate,

    I have certainly found it a comfort talking on this site.

    It helps because there are people who have been in the same situation.

    I was listening to some music my Dad taped to find one suitable for his funeral, I found one by Bing Crosby and as he used to whistle and sing like him. It was as though he were telling me what he wanted as he had taped them. It set me off again as it sounded like him, I had forgotton how he used to whistle until then.

    I am sure it will get easier as times goes on.

    Val
    x
     
  16. saffronlisa

    saffronlisa Registered User

    My thoughts are with you

    My thoughts are with you at this time. When you love someone dearly it never stops. Just being there is a comfort and he will know that you are there. Little things mean the most and just holding a hand or reading a book to him will mean everything to him,and comfort him.
     
  17. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    Mum's gone

    Thanks Cate.
    At last it is all over. After a 5day vigil Mum sighed her last - in a hospital bed in the lounge where she has lived for 46 years and withher husband and two children. It is a cruel, cruel illness which took her from us a long time ago, but she died a peaceful death.
     
  18. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    To Val

    God Bless you val.I,ve been to the exact same place that you are at now,all I could give my Anna was those tiny sponges soaked in water,I used to try to feed her with he help of Syringes,but had to stop when she aspirated,the nurses didnt seem to know how else to treat her,thankfully she passed quietly away that weekend,she was in a comatose state,now she is at peace,but it is you and I that will continue to suffer,you will see Hazel on the forum has a motto,grieve not for what you have lost,but rejoice for what you have had.
    That helped me,but I still miss her,it is only that I am a contrary old sod that I keep on living,you now have your life to get on with,treasure your memories.As for me I am hoping to be re-united some time soon,Cheer up I am looking forward to it
    God Bless!
     
  19. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    ceased suffering

    Hi Val and others
    I am sad that you were not there when your Dad passed away but sometimes the person wants it that way....who knows why. You have loving memories of him...
    My Mum died just before midnight last Tuesday and we will have to wait until 19th for her funeral. I swing between numbness and sorrow but want the funeral to be a life celebration and we have to think that once our loved one has passed on, that they are free of this horrible illness once and for you. Who would want to prolong that?
    Love
    Suze
     
  20. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Sorry, Suze, have only caught up with your news tonight ....my sincere sympathies.

    I recall that time between 'passing' and the funeral veering from the nightmares of 'the vigil', struggling to understand 'relief' and damned anyone who told me 'it was the best thing' yet knowing in my heart it was ...... worrying myself silly the flowers wouldn't be right (as if that really mattered!) ..... my heart goes out to you - this particular period - however long you have been expecting it / preparing for it - is so surreal and full of a new anxiety.

    My best wishes that all goes as you would hope on the 19th, love Karen, x
     

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