Slow speech

[Jane Ellen]

Hello, I am so glad to have found this website! My 78-year-old husband was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago, but he has been in decline longer than that. We have no children, so I am the caregiver. We have been happily married for fifty-three years. If I could leave him, I would, but I love him too much to do that.

Right now, my biggest problem is dealing with his slow speech. I know it has to do with his inability to find words. I become so impatient and fill in his words just to get through with whatever he wants to say. I hate standing around waiting for him to finish his thought. I don't want to be with him very much. am not proud of this behavior and have tried to stop doing it.

 

[Sue741215]

Hi Jane - I feel for you. I hope that, as I did, you will become more used to his behaviour and better able to cope. It is so frustrating. I think what helped me was recognising that he wasn't going to change his annoying ways so I needed to change my self and learn to accept them. I also recognised that I needed to have some enjoyment from life and to treat my life as important as his by arranging some companionship for him that allowed me to have time for myself.

I find that when I am tired or when I have not had a break from him that is when I get cross with him while knowing that it is not his fault - it's water off a duck's back to him but makes me feel bad so I try to avoid it.

I'm glad you say that you love your husband as this will help - sometimes I look at old photos of my husband not to feel sorry for myself (no energy for that) but to remind myself what we once had and make me feel fonder towards him.

I know that every carer and every sufferer is different and I am extremely lucky that my husband is, so far, easy going and amenable and that I can afford the luxury of paying for companionship for him to give me a break. I hope that something I have said about how it is for me may be of some help - however limited. I'm sure you will get lots of more helpful responses. I wish you all the best in this difficult role that has been thrust on you.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi Jane and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. We are a supportive and friendly community of people with a lot of experience of dementia. I am sure that you will get a lot of help and suggestions from our members. Do feel free to look around, post any questions or just come here when you need to let off steam. Difficulties with speech and word finding can be common and frustrating both for the person with dementia and their partners and family. It took me ages to realise that if my wife said that she was 'hot', for example, this might not be what she meant. Finding the right set of words for the context - hot, cold, tepid or whatever - is one thing (and easily lost) but choosing the right one to express how one is really feeling is another challenge. Hearing what is said and guessing what is actually meant are both required but it is often not easy.

Perhaps the Compassionate Communication thread might help you, but don't worry if you can't live up to what it says. No-one can.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[RosettaT]

Hi @Jane Ellen, we all have a limit and try as hard as we may sometimes thing just irritate. It may well be you are more patient with him in other areas than many would be.

With me it my OH 'playing' with his food. I had to feed him and it could take 2hrs to finish a meal, because he would chew and chew and chew until there was nothing left to swallow. In the end I would remove it and try again in around 20 mins.
Not his fault bless him but one thing that would push me to lose my patience.

 

[Sarasa]

A welcome from me too @Sue741215.
Do you have any help coming in or doe your husband go to any clubs? It might be worth arranging a few things so that you get a break. I don't know if this would be useful for starting a search.

Find support near you

Use our dementia directory to find local support services for people with dementia and their carers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Dutchman]

Hello, I am so glad to have found this website! My 78-year-old husband was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago, but he has been in decline longer than that. We have no children, so I am the caregiver. We have been happily married for fifty-three years. If I could leave him, I would, but I love him too much to do that.

Right now, my biggest problem is dealing with his slow speech. I know it has to do with his inability to find words. I become so impatient and fill in his words just to get through with whatever he wants to say. I hate standing around waiting for him to finish his thought. I don't want to be with him very much. am not proud of this behavior and have tried to stop doing it.

Don’t worry. I think we’ve all had that feeling that we can’t take much more and want to leave or at least be rid of the annoyance of dementia. It’s quite normal. After all, we are used to being with a person who’s our equal, who we can have a relationship with and talk with.
My wife lost the ability to speak and I too filled in the gaps. In the end she forgot all English comprehension and vocabulary. She now tries so hard but it’s so difficult to know what she wants or means. She’s in a care home now.

We love them and no matter what stand by them and try our best to remain loyal. But it’s hard, so very hard.