Slid down the ladder

[elwoodlpool]

Hi all,

You aint heard from me for a bit but things have started to get me down again, Mums illness and financial worries. Part of that has been as i get paid each month and money is tight i end up not being able to afford fuel in the car to drive to Liverpool to see mum. Its been nearly two month since i last seen mum. And some of my family still in Liverpool think that i use it as an excuse. But i dont i am genuinly really tight were cash is concerned im the soul earner in thje house and there is five of us Me my partner and our three girls Saffron 6 and The twins Harriet Mary and Georgia Pearl 2. And as things have started to get to me again my hatred and low confidence has come back. Ive stopped jogging and excercising and i feel whats the point. And its also taking its toll now on my relasionship with my fiancé i love her so much but i find it really hard to show it and im locked up in my depression. The other day i was worrying like crazy trying to get £50 together to take the kids to see Thomas the Tank and it got to me that bad i began to feel like a failure and thought this is my like now living hand to mouth and being ruled by worrying about mum. And to cap it all off My uncle called last night and told me my great uncle died last week. He too also has AD and when i asked what happened he said he just forgot to eat and eventually breath. When i put the phone down i thought all these times i miss now with my Mum because of my financial situation is it gonna be me next that gets the dreadded call of loosing my mum ??? At the moment im trully tired of life and everything that goes with it. It dont help that i have a month off work(still paid) but all i do is clean,hoover up wash clothes i feel 60 never mind 28.


Best wishes

Elwood

 

[Lucille]

Dear Elwood

So sorry to hear about everything getting on top of you. Having read your post I think you need to take a step back and deal with one thing at a time, otherwise, you will sink under the weight of it all.

Firstly, have you spoken to your GP? I know from a previous post you were quite depressed. What about trying some counselling, if this is available?

Secondly, what support does your mum have in Liverpool? You mentioned some of your family in Liverpool. Are they all doing their bit? It seems they are being too critical in the circumstances and should cut you some slack.

You have your own family to look after. In trying to juggle things with your mum, you musn't neglect them. Make time for them (and yourself) - hey, don't give up on your exercise - for me it's been such an absolute godsend, I think I'd have spontaneously combusted without going running. Count it as time for you: I know it's difficult but when you're exercising try and clear your head of any other commitments - swimming is probably the best for this ... assuming you can swim, of course!

In terms of your financial worries. Have you made sure you are entitled to all the benefits you can claim taking into account your household income? Try and contact the local CAB and discuss this with them. What about doing things with the kids that doesn't involve spending money ... go for a walk that way you'll all be getting out/exercising - I know it's not what they might want to do, bearing in mind their ages, but perhaps you could work on other things you could do as a family?

Make a list of everything that's bothering you. Sit down with your fiancee and work your way through it together, that way she won't feel excluded. You will get through this, Elwood. Sometimes, when we're sinking, it's amazing what can pull us through.

You take care of yourself and your family. Your mum knows you love her; the fact that you're agonising over all these things, says that loud and clear.

 

[Áine]

Hi Elwood

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down again, and sorry to hear about your Great Uncle.

Lucille gives some really good advice. It may be worth checking out coach and train fares for visiting your mum. You can sometimes pick up pretty cheap deals.

Please don't spoil the things you can do - spending time with your partner and kids, taking care of yourself (and them) by getting fed up about the things you're not able to do at the moment.

 

[Margarita]

Must say I have a son who is 27 , so for you to have a family of your own to care for sounds like a lot of reasonability, for someone of 28 sound like your doing a good job with helping out with house work . my son get very down seeing his grandmother the way she is , so when he come to see me , he help me with a big clean sweep in the house



family are good at making one feel guilty , its Ok for them to feel so judgmental , they not living in your shoes , no wonder its triggering of your depression .

You know how much you love your mother & your mother no that & that is all that you should care about . If your mother did not have AZ , ask yourself would she like you to be feeling so low , because she ill , thats it affecting your life with your family life , stopping you moving on .

Of course it frustrating that you do not have the money to see her , but I am sure she would expect you to put your own family needs first . then when the time come and your back on your feet finically you can get down to see her .

You can keep ringing the home every week to find out how she getting on while you can't get down to see her ? So you don't have the added worry of

is it gonna be me next that gets the dreadded call of loosing my mum

 

[janetruth]

Hi Mark

I read some of your threads and noticed you either sign off as Mark or Elwood.
Does that depend on your state of ind at the time.
You are vey young to be taking on ALL this responsibility by yourself.
PLEASE get some help, your Step Dad should be sorting things for your Mum and himself, You have a young family, they come first.
If your Mum was ok, she would tell you that herself. and she would be proud of you, knowing you are doing a good job.
We all need someone to tell us these things, you have now ot to do the best you can for you, your partner and your children.
I hope you can find a way out of your depression without taking medication and as you say,drinking is not the answer.
Take a video of your children to show your Mum and maybe some pictures they have coloured,(have them lamenated).
Perhaps ypur sister is missimg out on being an Auntie, get the kids to do pictures for her too.
I hope your situation improves very soon

Take Care MARK ELWOOD (the entertainer)
Don't expect too uch of yourself, that way you wont let people down.

Janetruth x

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Mark,

I`m so sorry you are feeling down again. You were doing so well and I had high hopes your depression was lifting.

When we were first married we had a very low income, and it is depressing.

You have been given good advice regarding over valuing what money can buy, in terms of entertainment. Could you put a small amount of money in a special `Visit Mum` tin each week, until you have enough to pay your fare, or for petrol.

Your first job is to try to get to grips with your depression. Once you manage that, I`m sure everything will fall into place. Are you due another visit to your doctor.

Take care

 

[elwoodlpool]

Thanks for you're comments

Thanks again all,

I have been feeling that isolated i feel like half the time whats the point in even expressing my feelings at all. I am screaming out for professional help but all i get from my G.p is take these tablets and i can safely say they do nothing to help me. Its unhealth to be feeling like i do i know that. But as i keep thinking life is stuck at this level with no way of getting better. And i want to be like other people nice clothes fot the kids every month a decsent holiday every year. And just some money left to do something each month. Its not like im in loads of debt either its just the cost of living with one wage coming in.


Thanks all

Mark

 

[janetruth]

Hi Mark

You remind me so much of my middle son, he has 2 children, he is 30 and has been with his (now ) wife for 13 years, his eldest Daughter is 11, Son of 7 and his wifes son who is now 18 and a half have brought him an awful lot of problems.
Lots of highs and just as many lows, the majority of which are money related.
He has been in and out of work and at times has suffered with depression, his Dad died when he was 19 and so he relies on me and my partner to give him all the love and support we can.
I understand we are now living in a very Disposable society, where things are expected to be replaced before they have outlived their use.
But as you get older, hopefully you will realise that as long as you are 'just getting by' you are alot better off than some.
A person is not judged by what they have or what they can give, TIME is the most precious gift and it costs NOTHING.
Sorry about the Sermon.
I also know when you are depressed the last thing you need is a VIRTUAL kick up the bum.
Take Care MARK ELSWOOD
Janetruth x

 

[Skye]

Hi Mark

I'm sorry you're feeling down again. It's a terrible feeling, because you feel as if nothing is going right.

But you were doing so well. Could you try running again? Even just a short run will make you feel that you're achieving something.

And you are achieving a lot. You are managing to support your family without getting into debt, and you are managing to keep your job. I'm sure if you can talk to your partner more, she'll give you another chance. No-one likes to be shut out.

Just try to keep in touch with your mum's NH by phone if you can't manage to visit her. Or write her a letter and send it to the home for someone to give to her. A nice card might be even better, as she could keep it in her room. I think you need to keep contact, so that you don't feel guilty, and your mum doesn't feel abandoned.

Just talk to people, you'll be surprised how much support you will find.

Love,

 

[Tender Face]

Mark, you know you're supposed to go UP the ladders and slide down the snakes????? That was meant as the hugest hug I can send .....

More seriously, I've had a 'nearly-poem' rattling around a while around the 'Life is just jobs' theme where I can identify with some of what you have posted .... You're a great lyricist (as we already know) Does it help you set things down into words and music even if it's only for your own benefit????? Can you use that theme to get you started on something - if it's for no-one else's benefit but your own? (And I for one would love to see your creativity here again).

You raise a hugely valid point about yet another 'hidden' cost of caring ..... and I personally find it hideous that you are having to balance the needs of your children against those of your mother - even just on a financial level. (Then have to admit to myself I do it too in different ways ).

My only 'twopenneth' would be to say don't beat yourself up if you can't visit mum ..... I suspect it hurts you more than it does her .... and if you are doing your best for yourself and your family, that is all she would want ..... when you can give more, you will ..... (but speaking to CAB or Carers Groups about helping to 'fund' the cost of visits may not go amiss? - yet another case where time DOES actually cost money .......) ...... don't put any more pressure on yourself than you already have .... or feel unable to cope with .....

Karen, x

 

[jan.]

Dear Mark,

You`re such a sensitive soul, no wonder "life" gets you down at times. I can relate to so much of what you`ve posted......but it was a long time ago (in my case) and i`m still here to tell the tale.

Things DO get better, it just takes time...... Like others have said, your mum would never want you to feel so low and unhappy.

I`m sure a lot of us would wish for more money etc, but ......it doesn`t buy happiness. Happiness is found in the simple things of life like....... Taking the children to the park, feeding the ducks, craft time at the dining table, board games inside or out, dressing up......(i could go on) What i`m trying to say is....PLEASE try NOT to worry about money it comes when you need it and the children only want your time and love, which i`m sure you have in abundance for them. Try to bring out the child in yourself,( get on your hands and knees with them, get on their level ) and you will learn the joys of living, children bring out the happiness that`s locked inside.

My daughter who is now 30, suffers from depression and after being referred by her G.P. is about to embark on a C.B.T. (cognitive behavioural therapy ) course, maybe you should consider asking your own Dr. for a referral, as i`m sure you would benefit from it. It helps you put things into context and teaches you how to cope with situations you find difficult.

Please talk to your partner about how you truly feel, as she must be feeling isolated too, not knowing what is going on in your head, she probably wants to help you so much, but doesn`t know how to.

Finally Mark......Keep the songs flowing......they`re good for the soul. Have a disco with the children and your partner.....simple pleasures

Above all, keep your chin up, life is full of ups and downs, but without the "downs" how can we possibly expect to enjoy the "ups"

Sending you and yours a HUGE virtual {{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}

Love Jan.

 

[elwoodlpool]

This is what i find weird

I understand what you all mean in your comments and i will take them on board. Its so strange these days i dont know if its cos im low and stressed but even strange things now are happening to me were i cant feel things ie: when i kiss my partner its like my feelings in my liod have gone. The feelings in my finger tips have gone. Its like when you have pins and needles and you can touch things but cant really feel them. And i find it bizzar that right now ive really lost the will to live. But on the other hand i can get up in front of 30,000 people and perform in the band. And things dont bother me when im on the stage. As soon as i get off it all my problems come flooding back. And at the moment i only haveto think of mum and im crying like a baby. This morning i woke up after a dream id had about here and cried my eyes out. I Just donr know how much more pressure i can take.


Thanks all

Mark

 

[Margarita]

Yes sounds like on stage you can except , when your of stage your facing your reality & fear that man manifest as in

i cant feel things ie: when i kiss my partner its like my feelings in my liod have gone. The feelings in my finger tips have gone. Its like when you have pins and needles and you can touch things but cant really feel them.

Do a search on Stress , Go to doctor and demand ask recognize cognitive therapy or talk therapy .

I was always a person that could cope with stress a lot & work out my issue problem in my own mind by listening to music as in going to gym work out , step classes swimming , cycle when my mother got ill & I did not work & stop all the classes .

I went down , when what is happening to you , happen to me . when your living in it you don't recognize it. now in my 40s I have relies as I look back to those first few years of my mother AZ you ether swim or sink .

ask yourself how do you see yourself in 10 years time ? how do you want to be in 10 years time ? when your daughter is 16 . Never forget you are your daughter role model .

 

[Grannie G]

. Never forget you are your daughter role model .

Words of wisdom Margarita.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Mark

"And i want to be like other people nice clothes fot the kids every month a decsent holiday every year. And just some money left to do something each month. Its not like im in loads of debt either its just the cost of living with one wage coming in."

Couldnt help but smile at that comment - I had three kids under 5, and was a single parent, no job, but maintenance. Our treat was to go to Mc Donalds and share two meals between us; for a long time the youngest only ever ate the end of everyone elses ice cream cones- and the older two knew that was how it worked - you snapped the end off, took a scoop of icecream and gave it to your brother. Clothes were passed down from one to another; received from friends and some excellent items can be picked up in second-hand shops; we had some fantastic holidays in a tent - stopping up in Yorkshire at a site with a little river, football pitch and plenty of places to walk - avoided theme parks and entertainment that cost money.
With a young family Mark - lots of couples and individuals are stretched to their limit - dont think that you are on your own - you can give your kids a fantastic start in life without the fancy clothes and expensive days out.

Love Helen

 

[Tender Face]

Never forget you are your daughter role model .

Helen, my hat goes off to you .... and I genuinely admire how you have managed to hold together your own family whilst caring for your mum - and indeed your dad - over so many years.

What I DO feel it is right to point out (and Mark, probably why I always read your posts with great interest as both a parent and a fellow 'battler' against depression taking over) is the impact that 'caring' for a parent can have - be that visiting when we can, taking on lots of extra responsibilities in their day to day needs ... never mind the emotional turmoil and grief .......

When someone tells me I have to 'be strong for my son' ... I could scream at them at times ....... how many people can one person be strong for?????

Helen, you told me many moons ago, there is no harm done in having your children see your distress at times ..... it will make for them being kinder, more understanding people as long as we can manage the situation as a parent .... not necessarily being the perfect, stoical parent whilst recognising we are suffering the loss of not having that parenting ourselves anymore to support us ....... (not your words but that was about the gist)........

They are wise words which have stuck with me ..... Thank you.

I am not posting this to make any comparisons, but to say I hugely empathise with Mark that sometimes the 'pressure from all sides' whether in terms of time, attention, meeting needs, even working and financial obligations can be huge - the whole pressure of the 'juggling act' for some caring for different generations is immense ........ add a few money worries, own ill-health .......

Role modelling? Mark, what better role model as a parent than for your children to see you not only as being responsible but as so caring, compassionate and concerned?

Much love, Karen, x

 

[alfjess]

Hi Mark

Children don't need fancy designer clothes and expensive holidays.

The best thing you can give to your children is lots of time, love, attention and happy fun memories.

When they are older they will thank you for being a caring, fun, Dad.

They won't remember the clothes, (new or not) but they will remember, the fun day at, the beach, park or wherever.

Please, go easy on yourself.

Alfjess

 

[Margarita]

When someone tells me I have to 'be strong for my son' ... I could scream at them at times ....... how many people can one person be strong for?????

Children don't ask to be born so I would always be strong for them even thought that is not what I meant but anyway

Karen I am not saying to be strong for a child , but it would pul a child down mentally to of load on them

Mark And i find it bizzar that right now ive really lost the will to live

Helen, you told me many moons ago, there is no harm done in having your children see your distress at times

Is Mark going to lean on his Child of 6 years old & tell her that , I don't think so .


My point is a child learn from a parent She going to learn copping skills in life stressful situations time of feeling down from her parents , I would cry in front of my children do not have any issue with that , But I be dame if I would tell my child that I have ever felt like I have lost the will to live even when they got into they teens & at time my children have been the only one to give me the will to live , so Mark Just want you to know that you are not alone in those feeling & thing do get better in how your feeling .

AlfjessThe best thing you can give to your children is lots of time, love, attention and happy fun memories.

So true


Please don't bring in quotation of a remarks I am saying to Mark to your own life karen

 

[Lila13]

I do think that when children are so young you do have to be strong for them, it's very different with teenage or young adult children.

 

[Tender Face]

But I be dame if I would tell my child that I have ever felt like I have lost the will to live

Good gracious, Margarita - did you really think that was what I was suggesting????

All I have tried to do here - including picking up on your very valid observation and concern about any children involved - is to try to help Mark feel LESS rather than MORE under pressure .......

Karen,