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Sitting here with doors and windows locked.

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
What kind of a coward am I. It is my sister's weekly visit, she manages to get mum into a serious frenzy which leads to verbal and physical attacks on me. Sister in angry I wouldn't let her have PoA because she barely even visited for 30 years and doesn't help at all.

My friends rally round on a Monday because the temper frenzies are normally here by tea time. Mum is not in control she is easily manipulated, I don't blame Mum, I do blame the dementia.

I am in self-preservation mode after 20 years of being her only carer. How cowardly am I?
 

Carara

Registered User
May 19, 2013
283
0
West Mids,Uk
Your sisters "weekly visit " :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

I`d do just same under the circumstances
Gawd its hard enough without her upsetting your mom

We have one of the invisibles calling in tonight :confused:

Rang Saturday said was calling Sunday ...Rang Sunday said Monday

Prob ring tonight and say Tuesday

And he is a Christian :D:D:D:D:D:D:D yeah right and Im a bloke :D:D

x x x
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Your sisters "weekly visit " :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

I`d do just same under the circumstances
Gawd its hard enough without her upsetting your mom

We have one of the invisibles calling in tonight :confused:

Rang Saturday said was calling Sunday ...Rang Sunday said Monday

Prob ring tonight and say Tuesday

And he is a Christian :D:D:D:D:D:D:D yeah right and Im a bloke :D:D

x x x


She used to visit for a few hours 2 or 3 times a year but increased to weekly when Brain Vessel Damage was diagnosed, then tried to take over the finances.


I linked the tempers to her visits and caught her husband out telling mum that I was bad and wicked, over and over with mum saying I was good and I help, he only stopped after she broke down in tears. This W****** has visited about 20 times in 30 years. I then had the proof though of what they were doing but I can't stop them.

He also had an upper respiritory infection and mum has late stage heart disease as well as dementia.

I dread her visits, really dread them. Thanks for not thinking me too cowardly.
 

meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
0
London
great...if you do this enough times and don't let her in..she will realise you have the right to make any decisions you choose...and may step back???
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
I know this may seem harsh but if your sister is not involved with POA or anything else then stop her visiting, if she does nothing but cause trouble and upset you and your mum, just tell ask her why she doesn't visit so often and then tell her to sling her hook, I mean you can do without the hassle.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,791
0
Hertfordshire
I do not have any answers. I am just so glad I amnot in the same position.

I do not think you are a coward, I just think you are under enormous pressure and you do not really know what the ulterior motive is for your sister.

I am with you in spirit.

Jeannette
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
I know this may seem harsh but if your sister is not involved with POA or anything else then stop her visiting, if she does nothing but cause trouble and upset you and your mum, just tell ask her why she doesn't visit so often and then tell her to sling her hook, I mean you can do without the hassle.

PoA doesn't give me any rights over who she sees. Mum is enjoying getting to know her daughter but can't see that she is driving the one she depends on away.

I worry so much for Mum, this sister doesn't care, she tried to get me to give permission for mum's life support to be switched off TEN YEARS AGO. I never told mum as it would really hurt her. maybe I should have, but I never saw all this coming.

My sister has used fraud to access Mum's bank account and the bank want me to call the police. Mum will be really really angry if my sister is arrested, she'll probably disown me, so I just feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

So for now I'm hiding like a coward.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
I do not have any answers. I am just so glad I amnot in the same position.

I do not think you are a coward, I just think you are under enormous pressure and you do not really know what the ulterior motive is for your sister.

I am with you in spirit.

Jeannette

I think she is out to hurt Mum and I think she is devious, sly and manipulative.

If she drives me out of mum's life, mum has no one, she lives 2 hours away, she only visits for a few hours, won't have Mum in her house and never stops overnight. Mum forgets how to use her television, washing machine, she has set fires, three recently, she gives her bank details to strangers who ask, she falls over at least twice a month sometimes three times a week and there is only me to avert disaster. I am the polices' contact, the panic necklace, it's me that gets the calls, as I am there in a couple of minutes, the ambulance people know mum and I. I get calls outs for emergencies 24/7.

That reminds me I need to check if sister has changed the emerency number to hers which will be useless 2 hours away, particularly with their being a risk of fire which clearly is very dangerous for mum. If I go to mum she may hit me, she will verbally abuse me, so I'm not much use until the next crisis anyway.

My sister tried to get her life support turned off TEN FLIPPING YEARS AGO, she told her to do nothing when her feet and hands went blue, so she didn't as sister was a nurse and came visiting with an infection the she knew could kill mum. I seriously think there is something very wrong with her. Mum has dementia, my sisters problem is much harder to work out.

There's something not right going on and I can do nothing about it. So if anyone has any ideas I am feeling desperately worried. I've told Social Services but they say if Mum enjoys her visits there's nothing I can do.
 

nerak

Account Closed
Jul 4, 2013
180
0
ireland
Really feel for you! feeling very sick as my sister is coming soon for 10 days while 7days my mum will be in respite. most of the time she will have preplanned to spend time with her mates having coffees and arranging dinners out. She will plan to the last second to not have to spend time looking after mam BUT refuses to beleive she has dementia (shes depressed because of me being here????)

Ive got keys from most friends to stay away and let her get on with it. I am just coming in to feed my cat everyday then my mum who loves a drama and the attention will kick off at me and cause an atmosphere.

Im hpoing my mums behaviour will escalate so my stupid sister can see that shes not right and that she is in fact losing her mind?

Like Noorza she too thinks that she should have POA as shes more ORGANISED???????????? I cant be in the same room as her she will never see my point until a diagnosis is official? Then what she lives abroad??

My friends say dont let her get to you all thinking what a selfish cow she is and how thye could never treat thier family this way.

Easy for people to say this my mother I can just about cope with my sister I cant deal with at all. So unfair.

It really is hard when youve no support from family am going to ring the social worker as there has got to be someone that talks to other family members when things are this bad???????????

Having a very bad few days as mum is getting more manic and I just wish I could run and not stop!:(
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
great...if you do this enough times and don't let her in..she will realise you have the right to make any decisions you choose...and may step back???


I have stepped back now for a week but that's not really the outcome I want, I want to be able to care for Mum and make sure she is safe but that seems to be unachievable right now.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Thanks Nerak,

It does seem to be a common theme on this site that the invisibles seem to think they know better than those who are there 24/7. Perhaps they don't see it because they're not there.

I so understand kicking off and causing an atmosphere that happens to me too.

I don't think your sister wants to see it, she might have to have some sense of responsibility or mucking in. If it doesn't exist it doesn't have to interrupt her:confused: life.


Odd how many invisibles think they should have POA, when our parents were well and thinking clearly they made the decision to give it to the ones they trusted the most. Now they're confused and vulnerable is not the time for important decisions that our parents made, to be changed.

It's awful that we need friends to lift us up, because some family are so awful.

I've gone as far as getting my house valued and pricing up caravans but couldn't go through with it.
 

nerak

Account Closed
Jul 4, 2013
180
0
ireland
Noorza you are anything but a coward your sister has no heart youre doing everything right you love and care genuinely for your mum Im a FIRM beleiver in bad karma your sister will get hers she will have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life you will feel free and at peace knowing deep down you did everything humanly possible to care for your mum.

I just hope youre alright what an awful way to have to behave locking yourslef away but you are damn right you need to do this for your own sanity its called survival mode!!!

Gosh what a bunch we are what hateful family to add to our own stress.

My neighbour down the road his dad is 10yrs now als he is now in a home his wife looked after him until she no longer could as he was wandering.

I called him when I was sure mam was showing symptoms he was so nice and told me that he is lucky as HIS FAMILY OF 7 ALL rallied round:( I didnt want to comment on my turds! but I walked away with tears rolling down my face what a great warm caring family just not fair.

He has asked since how my mum is but I find it hard to talk to him they did have it easy just having family there!:(
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
POA gives you the right to say what's in your mums best interests and if that means your sister doesn't see your mum then she doesn't see her.
You are not a coward, you are trying your best in a situation that's complicated by a sister who seems to want control of things, if you don't mind me asking what stage is your mum at, I mean would she recognise your sister or understand why you have called the Police if not I don't see a problem with stopping her visiting.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
POA gives you the right to say what's in your mums best interests and if that means your sister doesn't see your mum then she doesn't see her.
You are not a coward, you are trying your best in a situation that's complicated by a sister who seems to want control of things, if you don't mind me asking what stage is your mum at, I mean would she recognise your sister or understand why you have called the Police if not I don't see a problem with stopping her visiting.


I'm sorry Carabosse but I've already gone down this route the PoA doesn't give me that right it is the old Enduring Power of Attorney that I've had for 20 years it gives me, or is supposed to give me, control of her finances, which I now don't have either.

I have been to Social Services and they say Mum can see who she wants, I have seen an Advocate from Age Concern, I have no control over who visits.

Mum can appear very old mum like for long periods of time but when she was assessed she failed the memory tests and clock face one. She recognises everyone and can hold down conversations but her behaviour is erratic.

ie. She asked for an old friend to fix her tap then he came to do it for free and she wouldn't speak to him then demanded her next door neighbour pay for the free repair. She hits out at the people who help her and embraces those who would abuse her. Sun shines out of my brother's backside at the moment despite the fact earlier this year he cleaned out her bank account for the forth time.

This is all perfectly acceptable to Mum as is slapping me, slapping nurses, she is violent and aggressive at times but at others can hold down conversations.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Nerak I yearn for a normal family, one that would pull together to support mum and not rip her heart in two. I know she's devastated but that the same time she thinks her "new realities" as she rewrites the past, are actually real so I can't reason with her.
 

nerak

Account Closed
Jul 4, 2013
180
0
ireland
Your sisters "weekly visit " :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

I`d do just same under the circumstances
Gawd its hard enough without her upsetting your mom

We have one of the invisibles calling in tonight :confused:

Rang Saturday said was calling Sunday ...Rang Sunday said Monday

Prob ring tonight and say Tuesday

And he is a Christian :D:D:D:D:D:D:D yeah right and Im a bloke :D:D

x x x

Ha! me too have an invisable CHRISTIAN hasnt seen her mum in over a year dosnt think mum has dementia thinks shes just not SPIRITUAL?????????????????????????? get me a bucket!!!!!!!!!! anywhoo you know we are doomed and thankgod my sister is praying for our souls:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Ha! me too have an invisable CHRISTIAN hasnt seen her mum in over a year dosnt think mum has dementia thinks shes just not SPIRITUAL?????????????????????????? get me a bucket!!!!!!!!!! anywhoo you know we are doomed and thankgod my sister is praying for our souls:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

I am all for each to their own with religion but your sister does sound a little wacko? Why on earth does she think you soul needs praying for? Cheeky devil.:confused:
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Just driven by mums, my sister is still there I am still expecting ructions it happens most times.

Horrible way to live.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Mum has phoned wanting to know my son and I are both OK in tears, the anger, the temper the hate has gone, she says we are the most important people in her world and she has to be Ok with us. She has to know we are OK. She is in bits. It has been over a week now and I don't know what I'd have done without this site.

My sister is so cruel trying to turn her against me. It works for a week then Mum realises how much she needs and wants us. I feel so devastated that my mum is so vulnerable and so sad. I have reassured her that I am here for her when she needs me but when she attacks I can't do it because she doesn't want me near and there is verbal and physical abuse. Right now she understands until the next crisis.

This disease is so cruel and when people manipulate her, it is crueller still.


I am devastated because I know it will happen again.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
64,931
0
70
Dundee
Oh Noorza. What a shame. Your poor mum - and poor you. It must be so hard. I'm glad you've found TP is supporting you through your troubles. x