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Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Natashalou, Apr 4, 2007.
Try and get your mum to join us. We'd love to hav a new member of the 'spouse' club.
Hi Sue, That`s the only consolation. There`s always someone in the same boat.
My husband has no idea why I`m so fed up with him, he`s had a little nap and is right as rain. Now I`m feeling guilty for being such a misery, but somedays i`m so patient and on other days I just feel it`s too much.
Try to get your mum online, even if it`s to read others` posts. I`m sure it would help her and she might even try posting herself, eventually.
I don`t know what I`d have done without TP today, I`d be in a far worse state than I`m in now, that`s for sure.
On the one hand I feel very disloyal, talking about my husband in such detail. If he knew what I write about him he`d hit the roof. It`s a fine line between betrayal and self survival.
I`ve often wondered how others feel about disclosing so much and how the sufferers would feel if they knew what was written about them.
IF ONLY!! I would be the first to join the complaints about family.
My not so darling brother, after months of asking him if he knew where Mum's jewelery was, the only reply was, him asking me where were the platinum rings, apparently, Mum had said his wife?? (they got married in Thailand, but have never registered the marriage in UK, so I'm not sure if it is legal) could have them.
Mum in her right mind, pre dementia, couldn't stand his wife? and no way would Mum have promised her anything.
Anyway, sorry for going on, but to-day after he had been for his weekly, hourly visit, Mum and Dad came for dinner as normal. Mum was wearing quite a few pieces of the missing jewelery, but needless to say not the platinum rings.
Great, at least now Mum can wear it and she does like it, even if she does lose it, she will have had some pleasure.
But now I am suspicious. What is my brother up to now?
Sorry for being cynical, but with a brother like mine, I have to try to be one step ahead and that in itself causes stress. So yes please bring on the complaints about family.
I suppose in a way it's betrayal, in that for us spouses we're letting others into what would normally be the the hidden sides of our marriage/relationship.
But on the other hand, when we write about them, we're not really writing about them, we're writing about the effects of their illness.
And we're asking for advice and support in a situation we're finding difficult to handle.
If they were well, they'd hate the fact that we were writing about the problems they cause us. But if they were well, we wouldn't be writing about them, because either the problems wouldn't be there, or we would have the option of walking away.
I think anything that gets us through is valid.
Self-justification, perhaps, but I don't think I could cope without the support of TP.
Hope today is better.
It felt very strange when I first started talking about my mother to strangers.
I wanted a site where she could join in, but when she got ill she stopped using the computer, and even before that only used it to email people she already knew, it was just a quicker way of writing a letter, she couldn't understand me wanting to join groups.
The effects of yesterday have left me drained, and today looks to be more of the same.
The day began well, but I was being too optimistic. We got up late, my husband went for the paper, I asked him to buy the Mail, so I could read Bruce`s article, he came home with the Mirror, but I didn`t say anything.
I made his breakfast, cereal and toast, leaving him to add his own milk and butter his toast, when my sister phoned. I left him to eat his breakfast.
When I finished the phone call I went back into the kitchen, a clean cereal bowl was in the sink, a clean spoon was on the table, the back door was open and the birds were having a feast.
For some reason, he`d thrown his cereal out to the birds.
[ I know Muesli, sunflower and pumpkin seeds may look like birdseed, but he has it every morning.]
He had no idea why he`d done that, or even that he HAD done it.
He was so upset. He thinks he has absolutely no control over his behaviour and dreads to think how he will finish up.
We were both in tears.
Now we have calmed down, we are definitely going out. We have to try to make the best of what little we have left.
But it is so hard.
Happy Easter everyone.
Oh Sylvia, how awful you both end up so upset over what on the surface appears to be a 'kind act'.
Can you turn it round and allow it to give you both some pleasure at future breakfast times? Just a simple pleasure of watching birds feed .....? Instead of hubby feeling he has no control - perhaps he has been creative in finding something you CAN still enjoy doing together .... if its only fleeting moments in a day?
Love, Karen, x
with such lovely weather at present, such a good idea.
Try not to worry about the muesli... just one incident. Dementia in the house makes us very sensitive and concerned for an uncertain future, and rightly so. But if we can try to make a joke of the little incidents, then perhaps that might put them into a context that seems less worrying.
Sounds a bit trite, doesn't it? However, when I get to the end of my tether, I tend to the frivolous, and I do manage to reduce what seemed a worrying mountain, into a scene from a Carry On film.
A Brucie story:
Before Nina and I found each other, and when I was really on the edge of doing something daft, I asked her if she would come to the US with me as a travelling companion[riding shotgun on me to ensure I woudln't do anything silly, though I didn't tell her that].
The first night when we retired to our respective rooms, I realised I couldn't find our passports, currency, air tickets, my car keys from the Gatwick car park, and even the keys to our cases. I thought we must have left them in the pizza place 100 miles back up the Interstate highway, and it was too late to drive back.
The next 12 hours were straight out of a new film "Carry On Mindless", part of which had me twice tripping over my feet at high speed in the hotel car park in a panic, and miraculously turning somersaults ending back on my feet. Nina felt vulnerable in her room and asked if I would sit in a chair in there with her for company overnight. I refused, on the grounds that my pyjamas were in my suitcase, and I didn't have the keys, and anyway, we weren't married. [I didn't think of just staying dressed - I had only ever been overnight in a room with one woman, Jan, and simply panicked]
And that was just some of it....
We laughed at it then, and we still do now. I was so close to cracking when I believed I had ruined the trip for Nina by losing everything, but my body switched to clown mode, without my having any say in it.
Needless to say, when we opened the car boot [trunk] the next morning, Nina said "what's that?" - it turned out to be the bag with all the things in it.
Tears must come but we have to go on, so I try to just write off the bad happenings and try to make the next moments agreeable.
Sorry, i'm waffling again
I started this reply two hours ago. and step-son no 1 and partner arrived in the middle of it (not the one I had a row with yesterday), I lost what I had written, and now can't remember what I said.
Anyway, sorry you had a bad start to the day, and I hope you enjoyed your outing.
I too am still feeling fragile, though I'll recover once my nervous system settles down.
We're all living so much under stress that it doesn't take much to tip us over the edge.
Be good to yourself, and try to enjoy the weekend. John has been at daycare today (yes, it was on!), but hopefully we'll do something different tomorrow.
Hi everyone, back from our trip out.
First things first.........the Muesli..........I couldn`t have cared less if he wanted to feed the birds, but he was devastated that he`d done it, couldn`t remember doing it, nor knew why he`d done it. When I told him not to worry, he said it might not be important to me, but it was to him.
Unfortunately, my husband is absolutely unable to see the funny side to anything related to his dementia.
Anyway I practically had to drag him out, but we`re both glad I did. The atmosphere was lovely, sun shining, blue sea, golden sands, French, Scottish, German and Polish Market. All the different smells, pavement bars and cafes, lovely.
I hope you feel better by now and will be able to have a good day tomorrow.
Sounds lovely, Sylvia. Especially the Scottish bit.
Glad you had such a good afternoon.
I stopped asking my mother and my brother why. Because the only answer would probably be "it seemed a good idea at the time ..."