1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I wonder how often does the care fall almost totally on one family member? Our family consists of myself and an older sister. I have two children, both almost grown up and she has 4 all adult, in fact three have left home now. We both have full time jobs although as a teacher she does have the school holidays.
    Relationships with our parents broke down a long time ago for her, and she didnt attend my Fathers funeral, and in the nine years my mother lived in Chichester before moving to the nursing home in London she visited about three odd days.
    the last time she saw my mother was a year ago, I have never found out exactly what happened but apparantly they agreed to never see , speak or hear from each other ever again.
    None of her children are the slightest bit interested in their Grandmother although she even funded the university education of one of them. I cant help feeling very bitter about this.
    I know this is a whingy post but im just back from yet another very difficult visit with my mum, and I dont see why mum doesnt see at least I am there and bothering about her and caring for her even if I cant work miracles whereas her other daughter hasnt been near!:mad:
     
  2. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    Sadly, I don't think it's an uncommon scenario! My sister and I both visit my mum frequently and have made all major decision re care homes etc together. My brother saw her recently for the first time in 15 months and had the cheek to complain to the nursing home that he hadn't been informed by them when she went into hospital recently! He has also previously phoned them and told them he wants them to let him know 'if something happens'!

    I had to smile at someone elses post today where they said that they wished there was a procedure for complaining about relatives! I'm sure that struck a chord with a fair few of us!

    Brenda
     
  3. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    36
    Surrey
    Im not even blood related to the lady I care for. She's my Dad's long term partner, but they dont live together.

    I spoke to my lady's daughter for the first time since I started work 2 months ago, the other day - and only because I called her. The last time her son visited, and he lives down the road...was 4 weeks ago.

    I do the week shfit and my Dad does weekends. And thankfully this weekend is a four days long, so it'll be like a mini-holiday.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    #4 Grannie G, Apr 5, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2007
    Hi Natasha

    Even though my mother left a lot to be desired, and I vowed I would not get involved with her care, should she fall ill, when the time came, I couldn`t walk away.

    However my sister could, and did.

    Throughout the whole of my mother`s decline, my sister didn`t visit once. When she was close to death on 2 occasions, I phoned my sister and asked if she wanted to make her peace. She didn`t.

    I had no quarrel with my sister about this. I did what I felt I had to do, but I understood why she did what she did. At no stage in my mother`s care did my sister interfere or demand she should be consulted in any way. When my mother died, it was left to me even to finalize all finances, and my sister accepted whatever I did without question.

    There are ,apparently, no regrets from either of us.
     
  5. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    I too have been trying to help mum lok after my own family and hold down a very demanding job. I have a brother who shows his face every now and then, mostly when hewants to look good. At chrismas I pushed him into having Mum for one night so I could go away to new york with my daughter,and he rang all of our relatives even the ones in Canada to tell them Mum was with him,He thinks they are fooled into thinking he doe's a lot more. But I know I will be able to one day sit back and feel ok about what I did to help her. He may not be able to do the same
     
  6. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    all very depressing

    Its all very depressing, and while im not looking for any special awards here, I would feel a lot better about it all if mum wasnt quite so nasty to me nearly all the time . Her latest "trick" is to write rambling notes about me and give them to people. they are hard to understand due partly to her sight problems and partly coz they dont make a lot of sense but the general drift of the is pretty clear...she hated me and what she considers I have "done" to her.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Dear Natasha

    Try not to take it too much to heart. I know it`s easier said than done, but it really is the illness that`s making your mum so horrid to you.

    When I reported my mother to Swansea, and they asked for her driving licence back, she told everyone what , she guessed, I`d done. It could only have been me, and she knew it. She told me she wished she had a gun so she could shoot me.

    That was my mother.

    Now, as I write, my husband has taken himself off to the bank, to get his money so he can go somewhere else to live, as far away from here [ and from me? ] as possible.

    Take care
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sylvia love, you sound so down today. Isn't it awful how one nasty episode brings so many others to the front of the mind? (There was a thread about this a while ago, I think Karen started it)

    You know Dhiren isn't really getting at you. Her's just terribly unhappy and thinks that somewhere else, anywhere else, will be better than here and now.

    And don't we all feel like that sometimes?

    Hold on, there will be good times, tomorrow may be one of them.

    Thinking about you,

    Love,
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Thanks Hazel.

    Well he was out for nearly 2 hours, and I broke my diet and ate 2 hot cross buns.

    He came home as happy as Larry. he`d been to the bank, withdrawn £20, bought a cauliflower and 2 enormous chocolate brownies, one for him, a diabetic, and one for me, a 12 stone heavyweight.

    He felt so much better, he`d re-established his independence, did what he used to do, all by himself, his choice.

    We had lunch, [ more food ], and he chatted away.

    I wish I could feel better as quickly as he can.
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Glad he's OK, and happy again. You'll feel better after you've had time to relax -- till the next time! :eek:

    I'd decided I was too wound up to diet, but I went to put on a summer skirt and top this morning for the first time this year. The diet is well overdue! :( :( :(
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Continued

    ...............After lunch he suddenly realized he couldn`t find his wallet. I searched every available place, he was in a panic and so I decided to retrace his steps.

    In all my scruff, I rushed back to the High Street, to the bank, to the cake shop, to the Greencrocers, , no wallet, no credit card, no debit card, no money.

    Dashed home, my knee gave way, so hobbled home, one final search before the phone call............ in the spare bedroom, moved a chair and under the chair a box of magazines...............not his usual place to keep his magazines, lifted some of the magazines and lo and behold, one wallet.

    He had withdrawn £50, not the £20 he told me, had hidden the wallet and forgotten where he had hidden it.

    I am angry with him, he says he has to go because I don`t like him or want him any more, I couldn`t care less, at the moment, what he does.

    I`ve calmed down now and am writing it whilst it`s fresh in my mind. After all, it`s not his fault is it? It`s the illness.
     
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    Oh Sylvia: it's one thing knowing intellectually it's the damn disease, it's another thing entirely getting one's emotions to acknowledge that fact.

    You take care
    Love

    Jennifer
     
  13. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Oh those fleeting moments, Sylvia, when any of us dare believe we actually mean that .......

    K, x
     
  14. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    But

    DID u eat ur chocolate brownie?:)
     
  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Natashlou ....., and anyone else needs some virtual tea and company ..... the kettle is on in the tea room if you need it .... was rather hoping Grannie G was sharing her chocolate brownie ...... :)

    Love, Karen, x
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Natasha.................but of course ;)
     
  17. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Yes, it did Brenda! I noticed that remark too and thought 'If only!':)

    Two of my siblings came out of the woodwork this week. The first turned up one evening with a bunch of flowers for my mother. Quite proud that he had bought them cheaply at Asda. I introduced him to one of the startled care staff who saw him sitting with my mother when I'd popped down to make the tea. " He's like Father Christmas" I said merrily. " Terribly welcome but if only he'd show up more than once a year". He sat by her bedside as I was feeding her tea and cake and chatted over her to me, then disappeared after about 45 mins.
    Then last night as I drove into the home some fool in a 4x4 was blocking the entrance and waved at me, nearly sending me in to the bushes. " Why the .... is that man waving at me? "I asked myself and then, when he was out of the way, I realised it was another of my brothers. I see him so infrequently that I didn't recognise him. I think I can feel a creative moment coming on. Perhaps I'll start a thread about 'How to complain about your family'.
     
  18. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Sylvia my love, how I feel for you. Do hope tomorrow fares better.

    Think we all need some comfort food today. Might pop into the Tea room to see whats on offer.
     
  19. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Grannie G

    Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

    It is easy to say "It is the illness" but some days it is not so easy, to be patient, with the illness.

    Alfjess
     
  20. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Sylvia,

    I wish you could talk to my Mum if I could persuade her to use a computer or open up about my dad to anyone outside the family.

    The hidden wallet... the hours searching for it and when finally found where he has put it the accusations that she had put it there....the going to the bank and withdrawing money to assert his independence (how :mad: would he be if he knew the Bank rang my Mum to say he had been in?)...the disappearing for hours and then returning as if nothing had happened whilst my Mum is seething...sounds so familiar!

    I tell my Mum about the posts here on TP but I'm sure she would get (and give) support if she visited herself. I am working on her but sometimes I feel more able to cope with my Dad's AD :confused:

    Sue xx
     

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