• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Since Lockdown feeling disconnected and visiting less frequently

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
314
0
During the winter, my mum really deteriorated and I was told was at End of Life.I was allowed in to visit thankfully, and felt close to her and was able to accept what was happening. Then followed a period of several months where she stabilised, I wasn't allowed to visit, she was unable to do window visits. The thing is that I feel unwilling to reconnect in the way that I had been doing for the last 12 years. It's as if I've given up on her, my mental health improved so much once I had permission to disconnect. I'm going once a fortnight. It's so much harder now we have 20 minutes and I'm sat across a big table in PPE, gloves ,apron and mask. I can't do her nails or put my arms around her. She can't converse, and sits looking so sad and lost, asking if we can "go out there", ie in to the day rooms. I was wondering if anyone else was experiencing this?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,477
0
Kent
Hello @Norfolk Cherry

I doubt there's anyone in the world who hasn't been affected in some way by the restrictions imposed by this pandemic.

I also think those with family members in care home drew the shortest straw.

Whatever your feelings and however you are is the outcome of what has happened and I can only suggest you allow your feelings, free from guilt and accepting them as they are.

I know if I`d had to visit my husband in PPE he wouldn't have known who I was and the disconnection would have come from him.

It is as it is. Please don't worry. Your mum is safe and being well looked after. You are allowed your adjustments to the year we've had too.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
314
0
Hello @Norfolk Cherry

I doubt there's anyone in the world who hasn't been affected in some way by the restrictions imposed by this pandemic.

I also think those with family members in care home drew the shortest straw.

Whatever your feelings and however you are is the outcome of what has happened and I can only suggest you allow your feelings, free from guilt and accepting them as they are.

I know if I`d had to visit my husband in PPE he wouldn't have known who I was and the disconnection would have come from him.

It is as it is. Please don't worry. Your mum is safe and being well looked after. You are allowed your adjustments to the year we've had too.
Thank you, for your kind words xx
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,306
0
Newcastle
Hi @Norfolk Cherry
It is difficult to get back to something like the way things used to be. I went from visiting my wife 4 times a week to no visits for months. For a while we met in the garden. Then it was once a week behind a perspex screen and now weekly in-room visits.

I could visit more often but the ritual of form filling, lateral flow testing, and donning mask, gloves and apron seems hardly worthwhile. The visits I have now barely seem to register with my wife and she seems content, without sometimes knowing who it is behind the mask.

Looking back I would say that I got more out of visiting than my wife ever did. I miss the conversations with staff and residents as well as joining in with games and other activities.

There is nothing to say how often you should visit. Getting a sense of connection is difficult in normal circumstances. Reconnecting after the times we have been through is even harder. Visit when you feel the need and don't worry about the times inbetween. Look after yourself and don't compromise your own health. All the best to you both.
 
Last edited:

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,516
0
Hello @Norfolk Cherry

We seem to be at a similar place. During lock down, mum had Covid and deteriorated hugely. We did not expect her to survive. She was recently on the emergency hospital ward on oxygen after aspirating. Much to the doctor's surprise, mum survived that too and she was returned to the care home for end of life care last week. The care home asked me to add funeral director's details to her care plan, as they did not expect her to survive. Here we are, a week later and I wonder if mum may actually live forever.

I am not spending a lot of time at the care home at present. I don't think my visits benefit mum very much. I would rather she were sleeping, or at least snoozing, when at least she is peaceful.

We can only do what we think is right.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,072
0
I feel the same @Norfolk Cherry . Before last March I visited once a week and was just getting into a routine (after nearly two years) that seemed to work. I didn't see mum from then till September, and since then I guess I've visited on average once every six weeks. It seems a bit of a pointless exercise in that I can't hear mum very well, even now I'm allowed indoor visits without a barrier and as she can't see well I'm struggling to find things to talk about. The most useful thing is being able to check with staff that mum is OK and just see how she is looking.
I'm hoping as things ease off activities will restart and we can try to get back to how things were before, though of course mum's dementia has progressed over the course of the year.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
314
0
@northumbrian_k , thank you for your reply, it does help a lot to know there is someone else out there experiencing the same situation. I agree with you about the form filling, testing and prep, the whole experience feels as if I'm visiting her in prison. Although I understand why, it doesn't make it feel OK.
I too found it easier to connect with my mum when I could talk to carers, other residents and join in with the activities, It's so sterile when your mum can't hold a conversation. You give sound advice! thank you, all the best to you and your wife.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
314
0
@lemonbalm, I'm so sorry to hear you and your mum have been having such a dreadful time. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I definitely felt the same as you when I thought mum was nearing the end though. I just wanted her to be asleep and not in pain or mental distress. Thanks for your reply, it very much helps to know that there are others out there going through this. All the best to you both.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
314
0
@Sarasa , thank you, we are very much on the same page, let's hope things do improve, but as the others have said, accepting that what we are doing is good enough, and preserving our own sanity is important I guess. Thank you!
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,516
0
@lemonbalm, I'm so sorry to hear you and your mum have been having such a dreadful time. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I definitely felt the same as you when I thought mum was nearing the end though. I just wanted her to be asleep and not in pain or mental distress. Thanks for your reply, it very much helps to know that there are others out there going through this. All the best to you both.

Thank you. I'm allowed to visit mum in her room now so am going to give it a try tomorrow afternoon for a cup of tea, providing mum is in the mood, which will seem a bit more "normal". They brought her downstairs in a wheelchair for the last visit which was not a good idea! Let's hope everyone can get back to more normal visits very soon.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
314
0
Yes, when I was allowed in, I used to take tea, milk, cake, and she responded because it was something that we did so, so many times over the years. I hope your mum is in the mood, but that's half the problem, when you have to book in advance, you can't be spontaneous and fit around best time for them. Ugh!! I used to ring up and ask if mum was up for a visit, but now we must book in advance. (I'm not criticising the home, it's COVID)