Today I woke and the world felt different. I drove to do some shopping and sat in the car watching the rain and the world go by for some twenty or so minutes, sipping a Costa cappuccino. Today I felt different, and it all feels different -like an awakening I did not expect.
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
Ernest Hemingway
Life does break us, as our hopes and aspirations change, and we learn that in some things we have no power or control. I once wrote about waves coming in succession as things went from bad to worse trying to keep mum at home and reflecting on days of absolute despair in how we are set up to fail, no matter how hard we try. How I wished it would not happen and how I tried so hard to hang onto a disease that shows no mercy for the person it holds in its propensity or for those who care. But the waves get bigger and stronger as they toss us around and, in the swell, we swim pointlessly, till the next wave comes, until we reach deep water and the depths below -the abyss.
Just as one moment of time see’s us through one loss, so the sea of life drags us out again only to endure another and then another.
“Marooned in a well of grief, I felt alone in a world surrounded by people, a place where I was unable to articulate the wound that clutched at my soul.”
Tina Zarlenga
Today was different for once and the wound at my soul has closed, that what has happened over the last five years or so has moved into the accepted part and parcel of life, closed only to reveal a scar -a feint reminder of where I have come from and where finally I am going to. I have not had so much clarity for so long, that I had forgot what it felt like to feel again instead of being just numb. I am sure countless others have experienced this, but today for the first time in a long time I started to see again, to awaken to the day and the moment. It takes a long time to heal, but I think today I felt whole again and that is a good thing.