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sicut animam suam : 'it's just life'

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
781
0
South east
You are like my husband, always rescuing family and friends from crises Sometimes to your own detriment. Does BIL have any siblings or cousins you can give him support as you need a break?
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,958
0
High Peak
Simon, you do a very good swan impression, appearing calm on the surface whilst frantically paddling below the surface. For the last umpteen months you've been going through absolute hell, not just with your mum and social services, but losing your sister so tragically. And then there's your flippin' job! You've been working on the frontline throughout the pandemic as well as pursuing your qualifications and looking for a new job. You've also had to leave the family home and move to a new house. Good grief, Simon, is it any wonder you've finally collapsed in a heap, as you put it?

Throughout this time you've put everyone else first - even now you're worrying about your BiL. It is praise to you that everyone expects you to cope because you've handled everything so well - probably too well! Unfortunately, people now take you for granted: Simon will know what to do, Simon will sort it out. Because you always have. I'm glad you said no to your BiL - you have your own grief to come to terms with and he can easily phone you for a chat. (But needs to sort himself out.)

Take some time out and look to your own future, because that's really important. And please let people see that you are human too or they just won't know how you're feeling. Practice saying No!
Jx
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
Yes @Melles Belles and @Jaded'n'faded its time to start realising I can't be all things, not that is ever my intention anyway, I some how seem to get sucked along with it.

I can't deal with the BIL as well as everything else and it would not be right to try to, he needs professional help, not some burned out family member. He doen't really include me in day to day things, but from what I've heard he's not getting it together at all. When my sister was in hospital she chatted with me about this becuase she knew he would likely not cope when she had gone. There is not much I can do to be honest in the scheme of things.

What pushed me over the edge was the current state of limbo of mums care fees and we are now stuck in dispute -the LA did not tell me this at the time -I found out from the care home. I had some very intrusive emails from the financial assessor that went on into late evening until I lost the plot and sent a very clear message back that I was not tolerating this kind of behaviour, but this was the last straw and a few days later I had a meltdown. The LA have not contacted me since.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
Well I'm feeling a bit better the last few days, though it has taken some medication to get there. I was getting overwhelmed with memories and thoughts over which I could have done nothing about, in essence I was reliving things trying to make sense of it on top. It's not easy being alone in situations like this and I guess it has come to a point where I realise I need people around me more than I knew. Its hard because the only thing I have left are friends and work colleagues and they aren't always free to chat. Anyway I have accepted counselling which is supposed to begin next week -I've never had this before so don't know what to expect or think at the mo
 

Peace lily

Registered User
Jan 30, 2020
92
0
Hi @Palerider, I'm pleased to hear from hat you're starting to feel a bit better. It's a frightening experience when you become overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings beyond your control. I too am on medication (have been for a while) and had counselling in the past. The most helpful thing that I have discovered is something called 'solution focused hypnotherapy.' I have had four sessions so far and it has made a massive difference. You don't discuss the past, as this can bring up traumatic feelings. It focuses on positive action, positive interaction and positive thinking. That is a simplistic way of explaining it. You can't control or change past experiences or predict future ones. It helps you to change your way of thinking. It's really helped with my anxiety, which was getting out of control. Google it and see what you think?
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
Hi @Palerider, I'm pleased to hear from hat you're starting to feel a bit better. It's a frightening experience when you become overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings beyond your control. I too am on medication (have been for a while) and had counselling in the past. The most helpful thing that I have discovered is something called 'solution focused hypnotherapy.' I have had four sessions so far and it has made a massive difference. You don't discuss the past, as this can bring up traumatic feelings. It focuses on positive action, positive interaction and positive thinking. That is a simplistic way of explaining it. You can't control or change past experiences or predict future ones. It helps you to change your way of thinking. It's really helped with my anxiety, which was getting out of control. Google it and see what you think?
Thanks @Peace lily for your openess. I have since had two sessions in finding out the best way forward and my therapist has agreed with me some counselling might be the first thing to do. I confess I am not the easiest of people to open up to someone in that way which is why I write so much on TP -it kind of goes into a void on a forum that is full of emotions. Strangers know us best sometimes I guess.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
Two weeks on and I am feeling better, the citaliopram has started to kick and put most of my anxiety at bay. In the last few months everything had caught up with me. I was drving to work crying and I was driving home crying, fixed on things I can't change and also anticipating what will happen with mum, which I confess watching her decline has been a personal nightmare. The other realisation is that has hit me that everyone is gone that mattered to me in my family life. I used to write about this on my last thread, but now it is real. For the first time I have realised I am on my own, something I never thought would happen so soon.

Friends and colleagues aren't surprised I have ended up falling in a heap and since my meltdown some have said they thought it would have happened sooner. But different people respond in different ways, and I am one of those people who keeps on going until I drop, which in hindsight is not a good thing.

Anyway I am putting to rest clinging on to the past and accepting the reality of the now -its not easy but none of it can be undone.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
Yesterday I went to visit mum. She was in her chair dosing and when she woke she was obviously exhausted from her night time adventure of gate ataxia shuffling round and round. I held her hand which she gripped and occasionally squeezed as she dosed. I was thinking about her room and what I could add at this stage, but to be fair she no longer sees anything unless someone can point it out and which lasts for seconds before she moves on to her own agenda -sleep or she just doesn't see it. There is no recognition, but she did say as she glanced 'he's a big ******' -yes mum I am.

I was talking to one of the carers and lovely Irish girl who seems to have taken to mum and showing her pictures of mum on her horse and mums last visit to Malta in 2016 (which was hard work, but I am glad I did it). But the chat soured as she said I think your mums better, she's improved. No I said she is worse than before and dementia does not allow room for improvement, all it does is allow rallies and dips and they all go on a downward trend. I knew she meant well, but after so long of not seeing mum due to lockdown I can say she is worse than ever, but my expectation was always that this would be, the cruelty is in bearing witness to it.

Anyway, so many carers have come up to me and said even though mum is advanced now she still shines out -yeah, that was always mum a real people person, she'd make friends with anyone, she believed in people.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
That sounds like a good visit @Palerider. I guess the carer was trying to be kind, but those sort of comments aren't really helpful. I remember mum's friends telling me not to worry about my mum as she was fine, when it was obvious that she really wasn't. I just smiled, thanked them, and started to talk of something else.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
That sounds like a good visit @Palerider. I guess the carer was trying to be kind, but those sort of comments aren't really helpful. I remember mum's friends telling me not to worry about my mum as she was fine, when it was obvious that she really wasn't. I just smiled, thanked them, and started to talk of something else.
Thanks @Sarasa, its difficult because alot of these carers are good people but new to dementia in its advanced stages, they mean well but don't grasp that dementia is life limiting
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
Busy day today, GP called to review and the therapist called -I'm still waiting for counselling to start. Thats the heighth of activity for me this week apart from visiting mum, oh and TV being so relenlessly boring I have been forced to tidy up as an alternative activity :rolleyes: -much needed though I have to say.

Its been difficult to do anything I normally enjoy, in fact I have lost interest in most things of late. Where once there was motivation there is now disinterest and lack of any enjoyment in old interests. I keep on trying to reconcile the last few years, but realise I have to stop thinking what if things had been different -this is it, this is how it all panned out. I don't like it one bit, but there is nothing I can do to change it. I finally understand my grans point of view as she grew older.

I only vsit mum now once a week, because all recognition is gone and 30 mins is difficult emotionally, plus although I stayed close its still a fair drive there and back. I used to feel guilty in going less than twice a week and bettr three times or more, but now that has dissipated into one visit a week because for all intents and purposes much of the time is spent watching her sleep or trying to mobilise and wander with little engagement inbetween, and what there is is jumbled words, that now even I can't make sense of. The reality is that my mum, the essence of who she was vanished over the last year during lockdown for the most part, and now she is just a shell of who she was. It does upset me to know this, but I will always be there for her until the end, good job, becuase there is now no one else.

I still think my sister is still alive and think I'll call her for a chat, find some reassurance and then I remember...
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
65,194
0
70
Dundee
I just love Voces8. I listen to them most do. Such amazing talent.

That is so beautiful. I found it particularly poignant - my husband died 5 years ago on Saturday.

Thinking of you @Palerider and wishing you strength. Thank you for sharing this.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,726
0
@Palerider I understand why you have cut your visits to your mum as it is a long way and she is no longer herself. I get a lot of what you are saying especially not being able to visit your sister. Since dad has gone I have nowhere to go anymore and I miss that but dad was still himself and full of fun, just no memory.

Reconciling the past few years is not easy and will take time. I hope the counselling helps.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,958
0
High Peak
I know what you mean about reducing the visits. I noticed (in mum's last year) that my visit of half an hour a week was really to 'keep an eye on things' and check on mum rather than anything else. It remained necessary for that reason more than any sort of 'mum and daughter' thing - that was long gone. I always tried to engage with her and usually managed something but at the end it was pretty pointless. My presence made absolutely no difference to my mum.

Realising that, I just kept going and waited. Sometimes that's all you can do.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,697
0
North West
@Palerider I understand why you have cut your visits to your mum as it is a long way and she is no longer herself. I get a lot of what you are saying especially not being able to visit your sister. Since dad has gone I have nowhere to go anymore and I miss that but dad was still himself and full of fun, just no memory.

Reconciling the past few years is not easy and will take time. I hope the counselling helps.
Yeh suddenly there isn't another voice of reason -not easy. I miss being told that its ok there wasn't anything more I could do, so of course the doubt is always wating in the wings to creep in :rolleyes:
 
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