Thanks everyone
I think I know what you mean
@Izzy with the flashbacks, happens when I am on my own and I can sit for a little while drifting off into them. They are not unpleasant, but they catch me by surprise, things I had forgotten completely. Maybe its a self preservation thing or self comfort thing -I don't know.
I am now pretty much on my own. The BIL has withdrawn into a world of his own completely, no more phone calls or chat. I try to keep the channels open but he doesn't seem to grasp the door swings both ways and I can't be there all the time, I have work and a whole load of things I have to do living alone as there is no one else to do them and of course there is mum which takes the best part of a day to organise and visit. I don't know what else to do other than keep on passing by when I can and stay for a few hours, but any invitation to come to mine for an evening and have a break from the house fills him with dread I think -almost as if he is cocooned, protected by his own four walls. I know how easy it is to fall into that and even harder to climb out. It takes time and I think things are still raw with him.
My brother and his family have abandoned us all completely. Nothing to break the silence and nothing in terms of mum. It is perhaps best that way.
Indeed
@Grannie G I think you are right I am in another state of limbo and there is no control over these things, we just have to go with it.
I have decided to retire at 60, which gives six more years, in which time I want to complete the PhD. After that I have decided I will move to Swansea and spend time with an old friend. I am glad I stayed here for now, but over the last 6 months I have begun to realise there is nothing left here now, even though I once though being close to home is what I wanted. I will stay here until mum declares that its time and then who knows what will come next -another adventure
