sicut animam suam : 'it's just life'

[Palerider]

Fingers crossed for the doctorate @Palerider. Sounds like a good conversation with the gardeners. Just having a neat garden makes me feel better.

Yes it was getting out of hand, and as I walked out through the overgrown entrance I'd get hits with cob webs -which I hate. Anyway its all back under control, and I think my right hand neighbour can now see light through her window again -the last tenant didn't do a decent job on the hedge cutting front.

I'm hoping I get through on the doctirate programme, but as with all things I will have to wait n see -thanks for the good wishes.

 

[Palerider]

I hope you get a positive outcome next week.
I am also pleased to hear that the hairdresser is back in to do your Mum’s hair. It should be a little boost at least for her.

Thanks ....we shall see

 

[Palerider]

And thank you all for the good luck wishes. Once I know I will post on the doctorate.

Tomorrow I am visiting mum again and I've decided to take her for a drive in the first week of July as I am on annual leave and have the the time to do it.

I am still waiting to hear from the legal firm on the CHC funding front as some time has now passed, however I have found out since there were two residents with very similar names and there had been some confusion over which resident was who -so always challenge these decisions, even if its to verify they have got the right resident!

 

[Palerider]

Just thinkig about where I am at now, and its not been an easy last few weeks for this time of year, though I try to move on as I drive through the back lanes and see the sun shining through the leaves it reminds me of 6 years ago. This time that year mum and I were driving back and to Macclesfield Hospital watching my dad demise very quickly to an agressive cancer, he died three weeks from diagnosis having survived 10 years of a melanoma spread. The cancer that killed him was not melanoma in the end. I have been trying not to think about this, but as the days draw closer to what was a terrible time for mum it all just begins to resonate again - of course I am human. When dad went my whole world changed.

 

[Melles Belles]

I know what you mean about when one parent is gone the whole world changes. My mum had a stroke and died almost 6 years ago. It seems like out of the blue but when we thought about it later it wasn’t really such a surprise. Then Dad appeared to have to have MCI or v early dementia and this really accelerated a year later when he broke his hip.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Yes I agree with that, when my mum died my world changed and dad became the centre of everything.

 

[Palerider]

Thanks @Melles Belles @Duggies-girl -its funny on reflection I wouldn't have done anything else looking back and I am glad I was there for mum.

 

[Palerider]

Anyway today I visited mum and she slept most of the visit, the day before she had been shuffling round the unit all day and all night. But the greatest thing today is that mums hair has finally been cut and styled -it looked good and more lile my mum again. I'm not posting a pic this time as mum was asleep and not at her best as she dosed. The carers said she really enjoyed havig it done -which wowed me as I seem to remember the very last time she had a perm I got a telephone call to go and save the hairdresser

I also took in some summer cothes as the care home is quite hot, and as much as mum likes the warmth it will help her be comfy on the really hot days.

 

[Palerider]

Difficult day.

I think I have too many days off in a row as I keep on thinking about mum yesterday, watching her and remembering how things used to be. I think its just everything this year, my sister leaving us very quickly, the time of year when dad went and mum in a position far from what she had hoped for as she got past 80 (that was her biggest goal).

I don't know how to explain this week -but I'll surf it out as best I can, working over the weekend so at least that will distract me for a couple of days. Not much on TV either so I'm searching Netflix for something to take my attention.....suggestions welcome.....

 

[jennifer1967]

Difficult day.

I think I have too many days off in a row as I keep on thinking about mum yesterday, watching her and remembering how things used to be. I think its just everything this year, my sister leaving us very quickly, the time of year when dad went and mum in a position far from what she had hoped for as she got past 80 (that was her biggest goal).

I don't know how to explain this week -but I'll surf it out as best I can, working over the weekend so at least that will distract me for a couple of days. Not much on TV either so I'm searching Netflix for something to take my attention.....suggestions welcome.....

england playing scotland tonight

 

[Sarasa]

I really like Lupin and Call My Agent on Netflix. The former is a real romp and should take your mind off things if you're not a keen football fan.

 

[Lorna44]

Call my Agent on Netflix is excellent, there's a couple of thrillers by Harlan Coben on there too, Safe & The Stranger, they were really good.

 

[Pete1]

HI @Palerider, sorry for my tardy response, I am OK thank you for asking. It's so tiring (the situation you are in with Mum), just the constant worry and concern - when there is nothing you can really do. It can be totally exhausting. I can't really say anything of solace, other than I do understand and properly empathise.

Take care Simon

 

[Palerider]

Thanks eveyone for the suggestions - I managed to get through that evening and work over the weekend which did the rest of distraction for me.

I'm still not great. Today I chatted with my manager as I asked for leave in the run up to the team BBQ so I can prep everything. She asked how mum was and I said not as good as before, and mentioned the time of year and that this year it seems to be getting to me more than it has done, she understood what I meant. Anyway 4th July is looming closer, I will never forget that day at the hospice - a hot summers day, my brother playing up as usual and me hiding in the garden as dad had passed trying to avoid the brother, who was asking about dads Will and the deeds - what can I say? I will never forgive him for that behaviour and not letting me just be.

Anyway moving on, I am visiting mum again on Thursday, hoping she is more awake, but as we all know at this stage we just have to go with the flow.

 

[Palerider]

Well I visited mum today and took her some flowers. She was exhausted having wandered (shuffled) all night. I was quite stressed as just before I walked in the LA financial asessor called me about mums care fees and they are now wanting to take full payment from mum as the CHC appeal will take a while. Not the best phone call to have before a visit and then seeing mum -it all jst got to me, I can't desribe it but overwhelmed seems like a good word to use. There comes a point when we just get tired of it all, and I am there I think!

Anyway, mum didn't look right and she said 'I don't feel ok' -so I managed to get help and got her on the ned to have a lie down, see if sleep helps for an hour. I left feeling a bit anxious as mum generall never has or did complain if she was feeling unwell, unless she really was unwell. I'll call later to see how she is so that I don't drive myself round the twist worrying all night.

 

[Palerider]

Just off the phone with the care home and mum is tired and weary it seems, but she is still battling her will to wander. I don't know what to think anymore now, I feel a tension of not wanting mum to leave but also know that this is not what she would have wanted at the end of her life. I find it hard to accept how I think now, but time has changed my outlook and bearing witness to this disease in its severe stages is I find quite haunting as I see the look in my mums eyes and the expression on her face of not really knowing anymore. It has become a more challenging path to walk of late. Now, there is just a sadness and silence and a deep wish to have a magic wand. I don't know what the answer is any more, or even if there is one?

I was not successful on the doctoral interview, but to be fair standards were high and I was short of a full methodology section, which I still could not decide on in the interview. So its back to the drawing board, refine and re-apply again -perseverance always pays off!

A bad week in all where everything has gone wrong, I can only say I chuckled to myself as I remembered the old Hamlet cigar adverts, I don't know why they popped into my head but they did.....

I seem to be having a lot of flashbacks at the moment, things I haven't remembered or thought of in a long time and I can't figure out why this happening....perhaps someone may know the answer?

 

[jennifer1967]

Just off the phone with the care home and mum is tired and weary it seems, but she is still battling her will to wander. I don't know what to think anymore now, I feel a tension of not wanting mum to leave but also know that this is not what she would have wanted at the end of her life. I find it hard to accept how I think now, but time has changed my outlook and bearing witness to this disease in its severe stages is I find quite haunting as I see the look in my mums eyes and the expression on her face of not really knowing anymore. It has become a more challenging path to walk of late. Now, there is just a sadness and silence and a deep wish to have a magic wand. I don't know what the answer is any more, or even if there is one?

I was not successful on the doctoral interview, but to be fair standards were high and I was short of a full methodology section, which I still could not decide on in the interview. So its back to the drawing board, refine and re-apply again -perseverance always pays off!

A bad week in all where everything has gone wrong, I can only say I chuckled to myself as I remembered the old Hamlet cigar adverts, I don't know why they popped into my head but they did.....

I seem to be having a lot of flashbacks at the moment, things I haven't remembered or thought of in a long time and I can't figure out why this happening....perhaps someone may know the answer?

thats a shame that you didnt get it.

 

[Melles Belles]

Sorry you didn’t get selected.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Now, there is just a sadness and silence and a deep wish to have a magic wand. I don't know what the answer is any more, or even if there is one?

My Mum is still at an earlier stage but I know exactly what you mean.
Nothing practical or helpful to say but I am sorry that you seem to have had a week which has not been good in any way - the funding issue’, your doctoral interview and of course your Mum. I hope the ‘magical something’ comes along this weekend to lighten the spirits a little.

 

[Grannie G]

It sounds as if once again you are in limbo @Palerider.

You are having so many adjustments to make, they will sort themselves out eventually and all you can do is go there they take you.