I was facetimed with mum, which is a rare occurence. She was still in bed and very tired. Its been a few days now and I am wondering if this is now another turning point in the scheme of things. I've decided to take matters out of the care home's hands on Monday and speak with her GP about mums progress now and decide on whether I should be pushing for visiting.
Had an emergency call for new trousers for mum, even the ones I bought for xmas are now too big for her, but to be honest when I saw her in the hospital I was shocked at how cachexic she has become. A quick visit to M&S, 3 pairs of alsticated smaller size trousers, labelled in the car and handed in -couldn't be any quicker than that. Can't have mum with the wrong sized clothes. I have got into a debate over a few pairs that were smaller I bought her just in case, but the CH have lost them -as usual!
I'd been putting this off all day, but finally called the BIL to tell him that everything is signed off on the funeral arrangements including the cremation agreement (he has to know) and I have paid the upfront fee of 50%. I feel so heavy after that
If only. I had forgotten how much I used to have until Rhi called me and we had a long chat about times before this and how we just got on with life. What troubles me now having seen mum is that I don't think she is far behind Karen. I wish for all the world there was a break, but I don't think I am going to be allowed it just yet. I am however resolved that this is my lot until it is done.
Well no surprises -today I am feeling pretty low. Lockdown isn't helping as no one can visit and I guess the only relief is to go for a drive round.
Called the care home, mum is still sleeping so I don't know if the new trousers are the right size yet and the nurse has difficulty understanding what I'm asking which only adds to my frustration, I wish F wasn't on mat leave she is missed -greatly!!
A tough week so far. Karens hubby and kids are now deep in grief and there is an inability to sort matters and finalise the last few items for the funeral, so much so I have had to make some independent decisions as well as stand the funeral costs on my own. I don't mind paying for my sisters farewell, but |I am finding difficult to wade through the shadows of grief and ask for simple things to be done, keeping it together for everyones sake and ensuring the final send off is the best it can be in the circumstances. While everyone has had time to soak up their own feelings I have been run ragged sorting mum out and then a funeral and everyone else and I feel myself slowly beginiing to implode -sleepless nights, stress headaches and dry eyes that should be full of tears and in all of this I am still slowly greiving for our mum and constantly pained by the outcome of the pandemic on visiting rights.
I don't know now if I can do anymore after this, I feel empty and to be frank utterly done.
I’m sorry @Palerider that you are being left to manage everything and that you have so much to deal with , I am not in the least surprised you feel like you are running on empty. You have so much to cope with , I hope you can get some time to recharge your batteries and to have time for you .
With so much to deal with and so much stress, it is little wonder you are suffering so much.
If we could parcel up strength and send it to you, I am sure our whip round would restore you to health. I am so sad that isn’t possible, so please just accept my kind thoughts.
It's such a lot to take on alone, it is understandable how low and exhausted you feel - it must be a very painful time for you. You have been a absolute rock for everyone else @Palerider and it has inevitably taken its toll. Try and rest up and physically and emotionally recuperate the best that you can. I wish you all the best.
Things are almost complete. I can't do much more as I am out of energy for chasing on things.
Yesterday I had to go and have a couple of tests done on my heart and am currently battling with the ECG recorder which I have to wear for 72 hours -the leads keep falling off
Anyway after that during the drive home I was in deep thought about mum and Karen with various memories pinging round. I noticed the car registration in front of me which read D0II NUT which was amazingly quite fitting as it jogged my memory of mums jam doughnut saga which Karen and I both found amusing. I did wonder if I had entered the twilight zone for a moment. Perhaps I should buy some and pop them in for mum.
Im glad it is almost complete.
Just be prepared to be ill afterwards. I always find that when there are loads of things that have to be done and I havent got time, its always afterwards that Im ill. Almost as if my body is going - Aha! Ive time to be ill now!!!