Sick with guilt

[Not coping]

This is the first time I've used the forum.
My husband is in hospital and has just been sectioned under the mental health act as he was refusing food and medication was hallucinating and becoming agressive.
This is a complete change from his usual ways but I cannot get the guilt feeling to go away because I've had to have him put into hospital. I feel sick with guilt as I promised him if never abandon him in this way but at 77yrs I just could not cope with him wandering round day and night and never getting a rest

 

[RosettaT]

Welcome @Not coping, Having him go into hospital is not abandoning him. It's where he needs to be to get the help he needs. No-one is sectioned lightly.
Please don't think you are a failure in anyway. Keep posting everyone here understands.

 

[Violet Jane]

If your husband had had a heart attack you would have been happy for him to go to hospital. It's the same situation here. Your husband needs treatment because he is ill and that treatment needs to be given in a hospital setting. You have certainly not abandoned him.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Not coping
a warm welcome to posting on DTP

the dementia has resulted in the sectioning, it is in no way down to you, your fault or any other wording
actually you have agreed to what your husband needs right now, which is the best you can do .... to have tried to carry on as you were wouldn't have been fair on either of you, you both need for your husband to be assessed and for you to get some rest

you are keeping your promise, just sadly not in the way you may have expected ... you are allowing others to support you both and far from abandoning your husband you will be visiting when possible and continuing to look out for him, more as his wife than his exhausyed carer
be gentle with yourself

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I agree with @Violet Jane . Your husband is seriously ill. That's why he is in hospital not because you put him there.

He needs specialised, appropriate care (probably needing the assistance of several people), 24/7 and you simply can't give him that.

 

[Not coping]

Thank you so much for the reply and good to know people don't judge me as having let my husband down

 

[Not coping]

If your husband had had a heart attack you would have been happy for him to go to hospital. It's the same situation here. Your husband needs treatment because he is ill and that treatment needs to be given in a hospital setting. You have certainly not abandoned him.

Thank you for your kind wordd

 

[Not coping]

hello @Not coping
a warm welcome to posting on DTP

the dementia has resulted in the sectioning, it is in no way down to you, your fault or any other wording
actually you have agreed to what your husband needs right now, which is the best you can do .... to have tried to carry on as you were wouldn't have been fair on either of you, you both need for your husband to be assessed and for you to get some rest

you are keeping your promise, just sadly not in the way you may have expected ... you are allowing others to support you both and far from abandoning your husband you will be visiting when possible and continuing to look out for him, more as his wife than his exhausyed carer
be gentle with yourself

Thank you for your kind words

 

[Jale]

No you have definitely not let your husband down, in fact I would say it is the complete opposite, because you love/care about him so much you have done what is best for him and that is to have him hospitalised where he can hopefully get treatment/meds etc.

Be kind to yourself and dare I say take advantage of this "break" and do something for yourself. Sending many hugs your way

 

[Violet Jane]

Yes, please use this time to recharge your batteries and focus on yourself for once. If you have friends or family you could stay with or go away with why not consider a little break?

Your life is equally important as your husband’s.

 

[BluTinks]

You might get the help you needed

 

[Mudlark]

Dear Not coping - my stepfather was in your position, aged 81, caring for my mother. We were all so worried as she would accept no other care and he was very, very stressed.

On Monday he had a heart attack and is now in hospital. So is my mother.

Please don't feel guilty. I know how hard my step dad worked and I am only sorry it took him having a heart attack to get my mother into the system so she can get the help she needs. Your own health is important too. Please try and remember that you have done your very best and look after yourself.

 

[Dunroamin]

I think this is a reminder of never make a promise you cannot keep. None of us can look into the future and life takes unexpected and often unwelcome turns. o

Do not feel guilty @Not coping . Your OH is getting what he needs.

 

[Not coping]

No you have definitely not let your husband down, in fact I would say it is the complete opposite, because you love/care about him so much you have done what is best for him and that is to have him hospitalised where he can hopefully get treatment/meds etc.

Be kind to yourself and dare I say take advantage of this "break" and do something for yourself. Sending many hugs your way

Thank you so much for your reply it has helped me realise it was the best thing for him although my heart breaks a little more each time I see him

 

[CallmeAl]

I had the same experience.. My husband is now in residential care having threatened to throw me off our balcony.. When he got there he screamed and shouted and it was traumatic.. Like your experience but they didn't section him they called it an intervention.... I miss him so much and I want the person he used to be back.. He's doing all right there now but it breaks my heart when he asks if he can come home and says he will behave himself if only he can be with me again.. How can I stop feeling so bad?

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @CallmeAl

I`m sorry to hear about your husband. Is there any possibility he will be allowed home?

When he asks about coming home it`s really heartbreaking I know and all you can say is when the doctors think he is well enough.

It's not easy to feel anything but bad in this kind of situation. I know how I felt when my husband used to ask the same.

He had threatened me and I was frightened to have him home. I imagine you feel the same.

However much we love someone, if we fear them, we understand how ill they are and know however bad we feel we are unable to meet their needs.

So sad just the same. Take care.

 

[CallmeAl]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @CallmeAl

I`m sorry to hear about your husband. Is there any possibility he will be allowed home?

When he asks about coming home it`s really heartbreaking I know and all you can say is when the doctors think he is well enough.

It's not easy to feel anything but bad in this kind of situation. I know how I felt when my husband used to ask the same.

He had threatened me and I was frightened to have him home. I imagine you feel the same.

However much we love someone, if we fear them, we understand how ill they are and know however bad we feel we are unable to meet their needs.

So sad just the same. Take care.

Thanks for the reply.. I have been told there's no chance of his coming home.... So I just have to deal with it and I'm missing the life we had together before so much..

 

[Grannie G]

I'm missing the life we had together before so much

I know how you feel. Sadly you are in good company. It`s tough but we can’t do much about it only make the most of what we are left with.