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Sick of being bullied by invisibles

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,998
Bristol
My partner has vascular dementia. He daughter hung up the other day when she was muddled and confused one a video phone call. C has a UTI, but her daughter has no idea what caused them, just her own misinformed ideas. Then today I got a monologue about free food boxes available to people with COPD and other serious conditions. I have someone doing shopping for us. I actually like shopping on a Saturday at a quiet supermarket in a small N Somerset town. The routine and the drive through the countryside is a brief respite from it all. It's one of the few times I can listen to my own music. It is stressful, I do worry about catching the virus, but they are so good at controlling numbers and about congestion in the shop it never feels as repressive and worrying as some supermarkets in the city.
Does C's daughter care or even listen long enough to understand? Not on your Nellie. She cuts me off in mid sentence. We have been in this extra care housing for three and a half years, she has come over 5 times maybe. Of course, I got fed up being ignored and cut off so I put the phone on my belly and talked to C instead. Did her daughter take the hint and realise how annoyed I was? No, she got offended and hung up.
I have been sole carer for Six and a half years. I am the only one who visits in hospital. Of course, I get angry and make mistakes, but all I get from her daughter is shouted at and talked over as if my opinion and experience means nothing.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
276
I don’t have an invisible but I do find ‘well meaning people’ just do not listen and come up with all manner of spurious suggestions.
It can make me feel ignored, undermined and not being good enough but the simple fact is some people only hear what they want to.

Good for up you putting the phone on your belly and talking to C, you need a bouquet not a brickbat .
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,517
Kent
I fell out with my sister because of her unsolicited advice from 300 miles away when she knew nothing.

I don`t suppose you can fall out with C`s daughter @nae sporran but perhaps whenever she phones you can hand the phone to C and suggest she speaks to her mum. It might help her realise how much she depends on you for information and perhaps she`ll learn to listen to you instead of making blind observations which are way off the mark.

If she wants her mother to get free food boxes she then be able to tell her all about them.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,998
Bristol
Thanks, @Just me. I know a few of those well meaning people who like to remind me "its just her dementia" as if I'm not aware of that. When they are good natured friends and not family I can usually take it on the chin, but you don't need to feel ignored or undermined either.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,559
66
Toronto, Canada
@nae sporran I know exactly how you feel. My mother's younger sister was full of unsolicited and completely wrong advice. She kept reporting the staff for ridiculous things. She put in an official complaint with the College of Physicians because the nursing home doctor refused to prescribe apple cider vinegar for my mother's dermatitis, which my aunt insisted was dandruff. There were so many other completely crazy things. She is one of the very few people in the world I cannot handle. She drove me completely mad.

Eventually, I only answered her calls when I felt strong enough. I don't know if you can do that, but I do like @Grannie G's suggestion of passing the phone to C. I understand that she hung up on C because poor C was confused. Would writing exactly how you feel help? I'm not saying to mail the letter or email, but sometimes just getting everything down can help. Plus, you would have the time to polish the letter, in case you do decide to send it.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,609
Nottinghamshire
When people are persistent with me on the phone and I don't want to listen and they won't listen to me I just put the phone down somewhere and let them talk to themselves. It makes me feel as though I've had the last laugh...
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
337
Pass the phone to C. I have an invisible sister (not seen for 9 months prior to lockdown). I occasionally talk to her about random things (the news etc) but most times I just pass the phone to mum. If mums asleep I don’t answer. It seems to me that if they don’t engage with the PWD then they don’t know the problems faced. The fact that they are invisible speaks for itself.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,998
Bristol
Thanks everyone.
The irritating thing is that C's daughter won't talk to her mum for more than 2 or 3 minutes then she either hangs up when things get hard or she talks at me to tell me what the solution is. She never takes into account what I have already tried successfully or unsuccessfully or what more knowledgeable people at carers support, DTP or the surgery have said. Does that make any difference? Rarely.
I just realised you told me before about your aunt @Canadian Joanne, so I must have raised this before. No matter what we do it never changes anything does it?
I think either passing the phone over or putting it to the side has to be the answer until she finally gets the message. That could take a while right enough.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
My vote is as per @Grannie G , pass the phone to C to chat to her daughter. I would also tell the daughter you've booked a weeks holiday so she needs to come and look after her mum. It makes me so angry that people who do nothing to help feel so able criticize and give useless advice. I only speak to 1 of my partner's 4 children now, the others have given me only depression and misery. Luckily they don't visit and Skype or phone calls to him are infrequent (sadly for him of course).
 

Nomorepets

Registered User
May 26, 2020
25
nae sporran - You made me laugh. I understand your anger as I have an invisible brother turns up maybe 3 times a year and points out the things I MUST do! Him & wife arrived one day moaned to my mother that the grass needed cutting and then cut half! When I arrived they announced what they had done saying that it was only fair, they do half and I do half. Wife hasn't visited for a couple of years now. They even sneaked into the house when I took mum to my house, didn't notice the working camera I put up. I would laugh but it upsets my mum. Writing things down as someone else suggested does work if only to let off steam but don't leave it lying around as you'll be sectioned haha Take care and stay strong.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,028
Newcastle
I used to pass the phone to my wife on the few occasions that her invisible son rang. It annoyed him but he had been so abusive to me that I had no intention of speaking to him. At first I used to prompt her but then just let her speak to him unprompted. It was not long before she would put the phone down and wander off leaving him hanging on. I don't know if it ever sunk in how little she could do for herself. I have not heard whether he ever rings her care home but I suspect not. My sympathy @nae sporran