siblings

[cheryl k]

Mam's girl can I steal your phrase it's scarily and fantastically accurate, I too have a narcissist in the immediate family.

Noorza

I am sorry to hear you also have a narcissist in the family.

I saw your post a little bit ago how is your Mom doing by now?

Take care of yourself

Cheryl

 

[SWMBO1950]

Don't question yourself - you are doing ok kid

SWMPO1950

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, my Dad is my primary concern. I have also felt for quite awhile as an only child. I keep my brother informed of important happenings to my Dad like hospital visits and even there his family causes trouble the nurses are always happy that I am the one with POA otherwise I do not have any contact with him. It has worked out best for me, but this family dinner through me for a loop and caused me to question myself. I really appreciate everyones helps.

Thanks again

Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

Don't question yourself - you are doing ok kid

thanks I needed to hear that

Cheryl

 

[Linbrusco]

Linbrusco

I am so sorry to hear you also have a narcissist brother. Your circumstances are so similar to mine. We rescued my brother when he was in a bad way. He took advantage of my Dad with his credit card -- took money from my Dad and myself. He tells everyone how much he does for our Dad which in reality is nothing -- criticizes everything I do -- accuses me of not keeping him informed --now I do it all myself. My brothers friends will not even talk to me anymore when they see me because of the lies they have heard from my brother.

Thanks for letting me rant it helped.


Take care of yourself and thank you for your kind words.

We could be twins across the seas

When you think about it the fact that we are all seeking forums online to chat, share information, vent etc , then we are all doing a great job, because we care enough in the first place.

 

[Jilly Bean]

Arguments and bullying

How do you deal with a sibling that keeps on going on about how much more she does for Mam and that I am doing nothing which is not the case. Without going into all of the detail. My Dad passed away 4 years ago and Mam has simply not coped without him. Now she has Dementia which was diagnosed last week. Over the past 12 months she has been going to a variety of different GP and hospital appointments for assessments, tests etc etc. My sibling has been taking her to the majority of them as she is contracted to 8 hours per week although she works between 16 and 20 hours per week so can easily fit them around her working shifts throughout the week. However, I work full time and leave the house at 6.30am and don't get in until 5.45pm and when I am visiting Mum in the week after work, I get in later. I am now getting abuse from my sibling for not doing this, not doing that, and they has demaned that I start taking time off work to help with the apppointments that they cannot cope with anymore as they are doing it all. I AM AT THE END OF MY TETHER AND HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THEIR BULLYING. How does everyone else cope with things like this. I have told my sibling so that we don't have contact anymore to write when they are visiting on Mam's wall planner and I will write when I am visiting so that we do not need to make contact. I am happy to take Mum to appointments if I can get the time off but I don't want to go with my sibling as the atmosphere would be terrible and plus it would not be fair on Mum. Does it really take two of us to go to appointments anyway, we can pass information on which is what we do with another sibling who lives down south. Any advice would be greatly received, I am totally fed up with what is an already stressful situation with dealing with Dementia.

 

[artyfarty]

How do you deal with a sibling that keeps on going on about how much more she does for Mam and that I am doing nothing which is not the case. Without going into all of the detail. My Dad passed away 4 years ago and Mam has simply not coped without him. Now she has Dementia which was diagnosed last week. Over the past 12 months she has been going to a variety of different GP and hospital appointments for assessments, tests etc etc. My sibling has been taking her to the majority of them as she is contracted to 8 hours per week although she works between 16 and 20 hours per week so can easily fit them around her working shifts throughout the week. However, I work full time and leave the house at 6.30am and don't get in until 5.45pm and when I am visiting Mum in the week after work, I get in later. I am now getting abuse from my sibling for not doing this, not doing that, and they has demaned that I start taking time off work to help with the apppointments that they cannot cope with anymore as they are doing it all. I AM AT THE END OF MY TETHER AND HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THEIR BULLYING. How does everyone else cope with things like this. I have told my sibling so that we don't have contact anymore to write when they are visiting on Mam's wall planner and I will write when I am visiting so that we do not need to make contact. I am happy to take Mum to appointments if I can get the time off but I don't want to go with my sibling as the atmosphere would be terrible and plus it would not be fair on Mum. Does it really take two of us to go to appointments anyway, we can pass information on which is what we do with another sibling who lives down south. Any advice would be greatly received, I am totally fed up with what is an already stressful situation with dealing with Dementia.

Hi Jilly Bean

I was interested to read your post - I am in the opposite position ie I am the sibling dealing with most of the appointments etc for my mum. This has lead to me feeling put-upon by my other less contributing siblings.

Looking at it from my point of view - I do understand, I really do, that both my siblings have stressful and time consuming jobs. I think the conflict between us has arisen because they do not appreciate the stress that I am also going through (I live with my mum so this is exacerbated by the fact that I can rarely escape). I imagine that their point of view is similar to yours - it's impossible to do more when you have to work and that what they are able to do should be understood and appreciated. Equally I think I should be appreciated for the care I am giving to our mother - and the added stress that being around someone with dementia day-in, day-out brings.

This is purely from my own viewpoint and obviously may not chime with your situation but could I suggest that you sit down with your sister and really talk about the difficulties she (and you) are facing? Your sister may be finding that the strain of being with your mum so much is getting too much to cope with. I look to my siblings as a sort of valve - I hope that I can go to them to relieve some of the pressure. When this doesn't happen my resentment builds up until I have some extremely black thoughts about them indeed. Sometimes I can't tell if they are unable or unwilling to help. 'Unable' I understand. 'Unwilling' I don't. If it's the latter that your sister THINKS about you, then it's bound to lead to the situation you are in.

I have stressed THINK there as it doesn't sound like there is much communication going on between the two of you. If you could talk to each other and find out if there might be other ways that you could help (for instance, my sister takes care of mums finances - something she can do outside of work time and hence I don't have to worry about it). I am absolutely not criticising in any way your role in this - but I do think talking to each other and being honest about how you both feel might help. It could be that some kind of care package could be put in place that would take the pressure off and allow each of you to contribute in the ways that you can and improve your relationship.

I hope you take my post in the spirit it is given - I thought it might be helpful to you to hear from somebody in the opposite position. Good luck - let us know if you manage to resolve things.