siblings

[cheryl k]

I had a big blow up with my brother over my Dad these last couple of days. We were scheduled to have a family dinner this past sunday. The facility he is in advised that we cancel the dinner due to the stress it was causing Dad. He was getting extremely agitated just thinking of this dinner. Dad had a blow up in the dining room making quite a scene and calling off the dinner. My brother is now blaming me because the dinner was cancelled. My brother sent me quite a scathing note today regarding the situation. I was following the advice of the home which now has advised me they are monitoring Dad to see if he needs to be moved to a more controlled environment.

How do you handle a sibling that only causes problems, offers no assistance, but ready to criticize immediately and play the blame game? I am sole POA because of past actions of my brother who can not have legal authority ever with the courts. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks

Cheryl

 

[nicoise]

Dear Cherylk,

It sounds as though your brother doesn't understand that it is your Dad's best interests and needs that have to take priority over what everyone else might want.

Getting him to understand might take some time from the sounds of things - but try the above line, it might get through to him and make him realise it's about Dad, not him!

Sadly its a story that crops up all too often on here - I'm sorry you've got to deal with that along with your Dad's problems.

 

[RobinH]

Hi Cheryl

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. It may be too late, but if your dad suffers anxiety anticipating things, perhaps don't tell him. It can be a nice surprise.

I also think people with quite advanced dementia can pick up on the emotion around them, just like a baby can. So try to do a deal with your brother to be nice in front of dad, and if you disagree, talk about it outside when you leave.

I think disagreement and resentment among the family of a sufferer is common. This is because it's stressful and depressing time for you all, but also because truthfully most families have deep-seated pre-existing conflicts, which the situation makes worse.

Once this happens most of us are getting on, and many find it impossible to change. Do your best, but don't set your hopes too high.

Good luck

Robin

 

[Noorza]

How do you handle a sibling that only causes problems, offers no assistance, but ready to criticize immediately and play the blame game? I am sole POA because of past actions of my brother who can not have legal authority ever with the courts

I have two of those, I tried to explain, I tried to discuss, I tried to put over mum's point of view, when that failed, I cut them out of my life.

It half killed me, it was like going through a bereavement for the family I thought I had, I had to let a brother and a sister out of my life. I cried, I lost sleep, I didn't eat, I took cover in my home for days on end. But at the end of all of that, I now feel free, feel liberated, I no longer care what they say or what they think, they don't matter.

I think you have do decide if your brother is worth your emotional energy on top of the emotional energy it takes to care for your Dad, or if you just want to let go. I didn't find letting go of my sister and my brother easy (still have two brothers) but they were draining me, so I stopped playing their games and walked away. My brother and sister have both financially abused my mum in different ways, which disgusts me.

It was the best thing I could have done for me. It wasn't easy though.

 

[steffie60]

I am sole POA by my mother's choice over two older sisters who have verbally abused me, one now does not talk to me (her choice) the other will bully me at whatever opportunity presents itself but for the most part we do not speak to one another. I say to myself that I will go with the flow, what will be will be etc. and on the good days I really mean it! Like you my priority is to support my mother in the last years of her life under the horrible and difficult condition that is dementia.

I think all you can do is to reply kindly and politely to your brother telling him that it was the recommendation of the home to cancel and that your priority is your father's well being. It seems that your brother has a problem but that is his to own. Perhaps you could suggest to your brother that it would be better for individual visits from you both at separate times would be easier for your Dad (and probably for you).

Unfortunately sibling rivalry seems to have been with humanity since the very beginning but when it is happening to you it is a very unpleasant situation to be in. The situation with the sister who does not speak to me is hurtful but easier to handle however the other sister I had to ask her to stop bullying me and suggested that we dealt on a professional polite level, the bullying abated for a short while but I still deal very politely in all conversations and correspondence but all very formally.

I hope you find some solace from the contributions here, somehow it has helped me know that I am not in a unique situation. Good luck, Steffie

 

[Noorza]

There is another technique you can use that I'm sure your brother will find really annoying but it will protect you.

If he kicks off just say "sorry you feel that way, this is in Dad's best interest".

Let him bang on a bit more and again say "sorry you feel that way, that is in Dad's best interest"

and reply with the same sentence no matter what he says. It's called the stuck record technique and used in management to deal with difficult customers.

You can watch them run out of things to say, you are not drawn into a protracted argument and you give them nothing to use against you. They also get bored as they are not getting the reaction they want.

 

[Tigers15]

How often do we hear this - siblings misbehaving and causing mayhem, adding more stress to an already difficult situation? My brother and me were experiencing tantrums and aggressive verbal abuse from our sister; initially we tried to protect her, reason with her, but things just got worse.

We therefore took the decision to just focus on dad, whatever was best for dad.

Funnily enough, prior to this my brother and me never really got on and he was close to my sister. Through her behaviour she has driven us and other members of the family away.

We can only hope that in time she will see what she has done with her aggressive behaviour. In the meantime our focus has to be 'what is in dad's best interests'

 

[cheryl k]

Dear Cherylk,

It sounds as though your brother doesn't understand that it is your Dad's best interests and needs that have to take priority over what everyone else might want.

Getting him to understand might take some time from the sounds of things - but try the above line, it might get through to him and make him realise it's about Dad, not him!

Sadly its a story that crops up all too often on here - I'm sorry you've got to deal with that along with your Dad's problems.

Nicoise

Thanks for your advise. I don't think my brother and his wife will ever feel that it is about Dad. They feel that they lead busy schedules and Dad should be available no matter what he will be doing at the home. Dad has missed a planned activity at the home, he gets frustrated and then acts out at the home which is not helping the situation. It is just a vicious situation with my brother.

Thanks Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

Hi Cheryl

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. It may be too late, but if your dad suffers anxiety anticipating things, perhaps don't tell him. It can be a nice surprise.

I also think people with quite advanced dementia can pick up on the emotion around them, just like a baby can. So try to do a deal with your brother to be nice in front of dad, and if you disagree, talk about it outside when you leave.

I think disagreement and resentment among the family of a sufferer is common. This is because it's stressful and depressing time for you all, but also because truthfully most families have deep-seated pre-existing conflicts, which the situation makes worse.

Once this happens most of us are getting on, and many find it impossible to change. Do your best, but don't set your hopes too high.

Good luck

Robin

Robin

Thanks for your advice. Yes Dad is suffering from anxiety anticipating things. I did not fullu realize it was this bad until this incident.

There is definitely disagreement and resentment going way back in how my brother perceives things and this with Dad has only magnified matters. What hurts is how he manipulates his children and they feel I am not being fair to their Dad. I am only trying to take care of Dad.

Thanks again

Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

How do you handle a sibling that only causes problems, offers no assistance, but ready to criticize immediately and play the blame game? I am sole POA because of past actions of my brother who can not have legal authority ever with the courts

I have two of those, I tried to explain, I tried to discuss, I tried to put over mum's point of view, when that failed, I cut them out of my life.

It half killed me, it was like going through a bereavement for the family I thought I had, I had to let a brother and a sister out of my life. I cried, I lost sleep, I didn't eat, I took cover in my home for days on end. But at the end of all of that, I now feel free, feel liberated, I no longer care what they say or what they think, they don't matter.

I think you have do decide if your brother is worth your emotional energy on top of the emotional energy it takes to care for your Dad, or if you just want to let go. I didn't find letting go of my sister and my brother easy (still have two brothers) but they were draining me, so I stopped playing their games and walked away. My brother and sister have both financially abused my mum in different ways, which disgusts me.

It was the best thing I could have done for me. It wasn't easy though.

Noorza

Thank you I am in the process of severing a relationship with my brother and you are right it is a bereavement. I have had to do this for my health. It is times like I just had makes it so hard because of the manipulation of my brother. It is good to know that others are experiencing what I am. At times it feels it is only you when you are trying in dealing with loosing the parent you love to alzheimer's. It is so hard. My brother has also financially abused my father also.

Also thanks alot I will use "sorry you feel that way, this is in Dad's best interest. I will use it over and over in the future.

Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

I am sole POA by my mother's choice over two older sisters who have verbally abused me, one now does not talk to me (her choice) the other will bully me at whatever opportunity presents itself but for the most part we do not speak to one another. I say to myself that I will go with the flow, what will be will be etc. and on the good days I really mean it! Like you my priority is to support my mother in the last years of her life under the horrible and difficult condition that is dementia.

I think all you can do is to reply kindly and politely to your brother telling him that it was the recommendation of the home to cancel and that your priority is your father's well being. It seems that your brother has a problem but that is his to own. Perhaps you could suggest to your brother that it would be better for individual visits from you both at separate times would be easier for your Dad (and probably for you).

Unfortunately sibling rivalry seems to have been with humanity since the very beginning but when it is happening to you it is a very unpleasant situation to be in. The situation with the sister who does not speak to me is hurtful but easier to handle however the other sister I had to ask her to stop bullying me and suggested that we dealt on a professional polite level, the bullying abated for a short while but I still deal very politely in all conversations and correspondence but all very formally.

I hope you find some solace from the contributions here, somehow it has helped me know that I am not in a unique situation. Good luck, Steffie

Steffie

Thanks for your advice. What is so sad my brother called and verbally my Dad on the phone Sunday night. Monday I called to check on Dad and he fell trying to get to the phone earlier in the day thinking it was my brother calling. Dad was ok after the fall, but as of this morning he is still waiting to hear from my brother.

The solace I am finding on TP is great. It helps on the down days.

Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

How often do we hear this - siblings misbehaving and causing mayhem, adding more stress to an already difficult situation? My brother and me were experiencing tantrums and aggressive verbal abuse from our sister; initially we tried to protect her, reason with her, but things just got worse.

We therefore took the decision to just focus on dad, whatever was best for dad.

Funnily enough, prior to this my brother and me never really got on and he was close to my sister. Through her behaviour she has driven us and other members of the family away.

We can only hope that in time she will see what she has done with her aggressive behaviour. In the meantime our focus has to be 'what is in dad's best interests'

Tigers 15

Thanks for your advice. I am planning on focusing solely on Dad from here on out.
Dad's best interests is what is important. My brother's aggressive behavior is hurting my Dad so much and it is the last thing he needs. I know it is adding to his confusion.
I am trying to tell him to enjoy his activities at the home and redirect the conversation. I sure it helps.

Thanks again

Cheryl

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hi cheryl k,

As you've unfortunately found, lots of people on TP are all too familiar with your frustrations. I'm one of them comrade

Agree totally with the posts recommending you restrict interaction with your brother to a focus on your father's needs. I hope you're also focusing on your own needs as having a narcissist in the immediate family at times like these often means reinforcing your own boundaries too.

Do take care,

Toni x

 

[Noorza]

Hi cheryl k,

As you've unfortunately found, lots of people on TP are all too familiar with your frustrations. I'm one of them comrade

Agree totally with the posts recommending you restrict interaction with your brother to a focus on your father's needs. I hope you're also focusing on your own needs as having a narcissist in the immediate family at times like these often means reinforcing your own boundaries too.

Do take care,

Toni x

Mam's girl can I steal your phrase it's scarily and fantastically accurate, I too have a narcissist in the immediate family.

 

[Mamsgirl]

Mam's girl can I steal your phrase it's scarily and fantastically accurate, I too have a narcissist in the immediate family.

Sadly Noorza you're most welcome to it

 

[SWMBO1950]

Carry on doing what is best for your dad - he is the important one in all this.

I severed contact with my sister due to her selfish attitude and find it easier to be 'an only child' and do what is best for my mum. I (no one in fact) needs the accusations and hassle when all you are trying to do their best for a parent.

There is no manual out there to help in dealing with the care and welbeing of a dementia sufferer and every single case is different we can only find common traits.

I like the repetitive phrase used by Noorza 'sorry you feel that way, this is in Dad's best interest'. Myself I chose to ignore her completely and not give her any response (mine was also a letter) but that is just my choice and it works for me.

 

[Linbrusco]

I also have a narcissistic brother.
He lived overseas from the age of 18 until he was 35, and his marriage broke up.
We as his family had to rescue him, as he was in a bad way, and bring him back home.
I wish to high heaven we hadn't.
He has well and truly taken financial advantage of us all, but at least Mum & Dad were cognisant then of managing their own finances and making decisions. He's the youngest and Mum often felt sorry for him. A lot was his own doing and poor choices.

Mums health & now AD has deteriorated in the past 2 yrs, and prior to Xmas when sorting out Mum & Dads finances with Mum going into hospital I discover my brother has helped himself to Mums credit card and asked her for the PIN, and racked up about GBP2500 in debt.
Dad knew nothing about it, and it was behind in payments. The bank was a step away from phoning Mum & Dad and demanding payment.
It was really the final straw for me, and my sister who was already not talking to our brother over another matter.
We both kept our distance for quite a while, but to make matters worse our brother didn't once visit Mum for a whole month before her surgery and only surfaced when I txtd him to say her surgery went well.
WE tried to make amends for Mums sake , but now he doesn't want to, and in a way I'm glad, because it saves us a whole lot aggravation & stress.

I keep him informed about Mum by txt or email, but half the time he doesn't reply or even ask questions, but then accuses you of not telling him.
He does phone Mum, but expects her to remember things!!
I can't even tell you the last time he took Mum & Dad out anywhere.

Mum is at the stage where she almost forgets what has happened, and wonders why we can't all be one big happy family.

 

[cheryl k]

Hi cheryl k,

As you've unfortunately found, lots of people on TP are all too familiar with your frustrations. I'm one of them comrade

Agree totally with the posts recommending you restrict interaction with your brother to a focus on your father's needs. I hope you're also focusing on your own needs as having a narcissist in the immediate family at times like these often means reinforcing your own boundaries too.

Do take care,

Toni x

Toni

Thanks for your kind words.
I had been restricting my interaction with my brother until Dad won this dinner for the family at the home. That is when my brother started his manipulation again,but thankfully my Dad cancelled the dinner. Yes my brother is a narcissist which has made the situation all that much harder. After this blow up I intend to go back taking care of myself, my family and my Dad. I like to look up online the traits of narcissists to help remind myself the path I have taken is the right one.

What is so sad is that so many of us on TP are facing the same situations with narcissist siblings. I am just sorry others have to go through situations like this.

Take care of yourself also and thanks alot.

Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

Carry on doing what is best for your dad - he is the important one in all this.

I severed contact with my sister due to her selfish attitude and find it easier to be 'an only child' and do what is best for my mum. I (no one in fact) needs the accusations and hassle when all you are trying to do their best for a parent.

There is no manual out there to help in dealing with the care and welbeing of a dementia sufferer and every single case is different we can only find common traits.

I like the repetitive phrase used by Noorza 'sorry you feel that way, this is in Dad's best interest'. Myself I chose to ignore her completely and not give her any response (mine was also a letter) but that is just my choice and it works for me.

SWMPO1950

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, my Dad is my primary concern. I have also felt for quite awhile as an only child. I keep my brother informed of important happenings to my Dad like hospital visits and even there his family causes trouble the nurses are always happy that I am the one with POA otherwise I do not have any contact with him. It has worked out best for me, but this family dinner through me for a loop and caused me to question myself. I really appreciate everyones helps.

Thanks again

Cheryl

 

[cheryl k]

I also have a narcissistic brother.
He lived overseas from the age of 18 until he was 35, and his marriage broke up.
We as his family had to rescue him, as he was in a bad way, and bring him back home.
I wish to high heaven we hadn't.
He has well and truly taken financial advantage of us all, but at least Mum & Dad were cognisant then of managing their own finances and making decisions. He's the youngest and Mum often felt sorry for him. A lot was his own doing and poor choices.

Mums health & now AD has deteriorated in the past 2 yrs, and prior to Xmas when sorting out Mum & Dads finances with Mum going into hospital I discover my brother has helped himself to Mums credit card and asked her for the PIN, and racked up about GBP2500 in debt.
Dad knew nothing about it, and it was behind in payments. The bank was a step away from phoning Mum & Dad and demanding payment.
It was really the final straw for me, and my sister who was already not talking to our brother over another matter.
We both kept our distance for quite a while, but to make matters worse our brother didn't once visit Mum for a whole month before her surgery and only surfaced when I txtd him to say her surgery went well.
WE tried to make amends for Mums sake , but now he doesn't want to, and in a way I'm glad, because it saves us a whole lot aggravation & stress.

I keep him informed about Mum by txt or email, but half the time he doesn't reply or even ask questions, but then accuses you of not telling him.
He does phone Mum, but expects her to remember things!!
I can't even tell you the last time he took Mum & Dad out anywhere.

Mum is at the stage where she almost forgets what has happened, and wonders why we can't all be one big happy family.

Linbrusco

I am so sorry to hear you also have a narcissist brother. Your circumstances are so similar to mine. We rescued my brother when he was in a bad way. He took advantage of my Dad with his credit card -- took money from my Dad and myself. He tells everyone how much he does for our Dad which in reality is nothing -- criticizes everything I do -- accuses me of not keeping him informed --now I do it all myself. My brothers friends will not even talk to me anymore when they see me because of the lies they have heard from my brother.

Thanks for letting me rant it helped.

Take care of yourself and thank you for your kind words.