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****** siblings who do nothing to help

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
I really cannot understand why my brother chooses to be so nasty with me. It is like he resents not being involved in Mum's care and knowing what's going on. At the same time he wants to be able to please himself and be answerable to no-one so that he does not have to fit in and co-operate in the care which is required for Mum (like spending some time with her). . None of this is, in his mind, his responsibility. He wants control but he doesn't want to be involved. I find him hurtful but it is easier for me to try to operate without him.
I found it much simpler to operate without my invisibles.

MaNaAk

PS: I remember when they tried to talk me round to having dad back but I refused point blank because caring for him was making me ill.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
328
0
I found it much simpler to operate without my invisibles.

MaNaAk

PS: I remember when they tried to talk me round to having dad back but I refused point blank because caring for him was making me ill.
Thank you. I am expecting my mother to go into a care home after her rehab. She even said to me twice now that she wants to sell her house. Goodness knows what my brother thinks of that. He was very abrupt and angry with me on the phone tonight. I think Mum will have said same to him and he probably thinks I instigated it - which i didn't...or maybe that I am the cause of it all. It makes no sense to me. I have to try to psycho-analyse what goes on in his head but he probably isn't worth my brain's effort.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
Thank you. I am expecting my mother to go into a care home after her rehab. She even said to me twice now that she wants to sell her house. Goodness knows what my brother thinks of that. He was very abrupt and angry with me on the phone tonight. I think Mum will have said same to him and he probably thinks I instigated it - which i didn't...or maybe that I am the cause of it all. It makes no sense to me. I have to try to psycho-analyse what goes on in his head but he probably isn't worth my brain's effort.
Please don't worry about what goes on in your invisibles head mum, dad and I tried to work what goes on my eldest invisibles head (and his wife's) for years and I've come to the conclusion that he is on a different planet. I had to endure hour long phonecalls with my invisibles and after I moved out of the family home I enjoyed putting the phone down on them.

MaNaAk
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
328
0
Please don't worry about what goes on in your invisibles head mum, dad and I tried to work what goes on my eldest invisibles head (and his wife's) for years and I've come to the conclusion that he is on a different planet. I had to endure hour long phonecalls with my invisibles and after I moved out of the family home I enjoyed putting the phone down on them.

MaNaAk
Thank you so much for your encouraging support. Yesterday was a difficult day with an unexpected health concern of my own. I would never consider telling my brother anything about what is happening for me- I learnt by making that mistake in the past only to be told that what I was going through "doesn't matter". Off to see my mother now. XXX
 

Anthoula

Registered User
Apr 22, 2022
37
0
So very interesting reading the posts/replies to this thread. My OH has 3 daughters, all in their forties, but they are distancing themselves more and more from their father. Admittedly they live about 130 miles away so coming to visit is not a five minute journey. Nevertheless, they seem to consider their annual trip on or around their dad`s birthday to be their duty done. I have urged them to at least phone him once a week but only one does so, and it such a shame as OH loves to hear from them even if it is just for a few short minutes his spirit is lifted. Once a month I email them with a bulletin on their father`s dementia etc. (he has other health problems), and the daughter who phones usually responds, but not a word from the other 2. Their mother, from whom my OH was divorced many years ago, lives fairly close to the girls and she appears to get their undivided attention, despite the fact that she has no serious health problems. I keep saying to myself that it is a case of them simply not realising the severity of dementia or the eventual outcome, and due to the fact that they all have very busy responsible jobs they can not afford the time to visit or phone. BUT I am now beginning to think that I am doing nothing more than making excuses for them. I don`t want to upset my OH but I really feel like giving them a few home truths from the sharp edge of my tongue.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
359
0
So very interesting reading the posts/replies to this thread. My OH has 3 daughters, all in their forties, but they are distancing themselves more and more from their father. Admittedly they live about 130 miles away so coming to visit is not a five minute journey. Nevertheless, they seem to consider their annual trip on or around their dad`s birthday to be their duty done. I have urged them to at least phone him once a week but only one does so, and it such a shame as OH loves to hear from them even if it is just for a few short minutes his spirit is lifted. Once a month I email them with a bulletin on their father`s dementia etc. (he has other health problems), and the daughter who phones usually responds, but not a word from the other 2. Their mother, from whom my OH was divorced many years ago, lives fairly close to the girls and she appears to get their undivided attention, despite the fact that she has no serious health problems. I keep saying to myself that it is a case of them simply not realising the severity of dementia or the eventual outcome, and due to the fact that they all have very busy responsible jobs they can not afford the time to visit or phone. BUT I am now beginning to think that I am doing nothing more than making excuses for them. I don`t want to upset my OH but I really feel like giving them a few home truths from the sharp edge of my tongue.
@Anthoula . My husbands adult children didn’t even have the excuse of being a long way away.
There were literally a 15 minute drive away.
I was in your position, trying to make excuses for them but in the end, despair and carer breakdown got on top of me and I gave it to them “with both barrels” to coin a phrase.
Of course, I was then the baddie and it was all my fault for not asking them to visit.
WHAT!!!
Anyway, I’m now very happily estranged from them.
There is only so much that you can take.
 

Bakerst

Registered User
Mar 4, 2022
179
0
I know that feeling soo well, I want to blast OH's family, but I too have to bite my tongue. One daughter and her 2 grown-up children have started to visit 1 evening a week, but it's mostly them messing on their phones and me looking after them with drinks and cake. His daughter seems to be becoming more concerned about his condition, and I keep her informed by text etc. but the visit seems to help them feel better 🤷‍♀️As for the others....it upsets me because he was always there for them and now it's like he doesn't exist. I keep quiet because they are his family and he loves them...
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
@Anthoula . My husbands adult children didn’t even have the excuse of being a long way away.
There were literally a 15 minute drive away.
I was in your position, trying to make excuses for them but in the end, despair and carer breakdown got on top of me and I gave it to them “with both barrels” to coin a phrase.
Of course, I was then the baddie and it was all my fault for not asking them to visit.
WHAT!!!
Anyway, I’m now very happily estranged from them.
There is only so much that you can take.
This is another that happened after dad passed away and my invisibles took an interest in the inheritance a couple of home truths came and despite all the stress of moving out of the family home I felt a bit of relief as certain issues came out in the open. Of course they didn't like it but it cleared the air @CAL Y have tried giving your step-children some jobs to do? Although they live a long way away try asking them to look things up also have you thought of telling them that you would like to go on a much needed respite holiday and ask them to come and stay with your OH? I think I know what the answer will be as I have been in that situation and my youngest invisible literally ran a mile saying that someone needs to stay with the cat (he has a partner).

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
Thank you so much for your encouraging support. Yesterday was a difficult day with an unexpected health concern of my own. I would never consider telling my brother anything about what is happening for me- I learnt by making that mistake in the past only to be told that what I was going through "doesn't matter". Off to see my mother now. XXX

Thank you so much for your encouraging support. Yesterday was a difficult day with an unexpected health concern of my own. I would never consider telling my brother anything about what is happening for me- I learnt by making that mistake in the past only to be told that what I was going through "doesn't matter". Off to see my mother now. XXX
I had my own health issues when I first started caring and I felt that when I had my own hospital appointments my invisibles could have phoned up and asked how I got on. It can be very lonely being a carer.

MaNaAk
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
328
0
I had my own health issues when I first started caring and I felt that when I had my own hospital appointments my invisibles could have phoned up and asked how I got on. It can be very lonely being a carer.

MaNaAk
That's right MaNaAk. Hope you have someone to love you now.x