Showing off!???
- Thread starter Lady M
- Start date
My partner is the same, she laughs and giggles with the carers and she also laughs at the idea of having to put her false teeth back in. It's embarrassment in her case, and likely the same with your OH.
My husband is the same. I do everything for him and he can't even be bothered to ask how I am. But let one of his PSW's (Personal Support Worker) come & he is all smiles & giggles. It drives me crazy. Maybe I should arrange a short vacation for myself only & see what he does.
When I had a bad virus, sniffle sniffle, staggering round house, flying flag, keeping show on road - no recognition of my parlous state or my efforts from my OH. His only concern was to ring his (hale and hearty) sister, to find out how she was.
Laughing and chatting they were ...
Laughing and chatting they were ...
Hi carolynp:
Isn't life grand. I always wanted to run myself ragged. I know this illness is not his fault, but it's not mine either. Taking care of him, the kids, the house, work. When is it my turn. Do I sound selfish? Maybe I am.
No, you are not selfish just trying to survive a bewildering situation.
Empathy uses the higher brain function and I was warned at the start it was one of the first skills to go.
Does that help? No, not at the time, it always catches me unawares but after the initial stabbing pain it does ease. I see my strong loving man as just being very needy.
For me this is what loneliness is about, having to go it alone. Making all the decisions for us both or on his behalf. When they are just for me it is easier.
This lack of empathy, support and shared strength is really missed.
I can even smile wryly, my daughter came in, we were talking about aspects of my health and what I should/could do. Suddenly there was an input but about his situation.
To survive we have to self care, snatch those small moments. Pat our own backs. So do not think you are selfish or feel guilty.
Empathy uses the higher brain function and I was warned at the start it was one of the first skills to go.
Does that help? No, not at the time, it always catches me unawares but after the initial stabbing pain it does ease. I see my strong loving man as just being very needy.
For me this is what loneliness is about, having to go it alone. Making all the decisions for us both or on his behalf. When they are just for me it is easier.
This lack of empathy, support and shared strength is really missed.
I can even smile wryly, my daughter came in, we were talking about aspects of my health and what I should/could do. Suddenly there was an input but about his situation.
To survive we have to self care, snatch those small moments. Pat our own backs. So do not think you are selfish or feel guilty.
@AliceA
Completely with you.
I just love it when others make decisions. I get so tired of all the seemingly endless decisions I must make for the both of us. The partnership that I loved is no longer. Its all about acceptance. Some days I have it and other days I just forget the rules of this Alzheimers life. But when I go with the flow of acceptance it is always easier for all concerned.
Completely with you.
I just love it when others make decisions. I get so tired of all the seemingly endless decisions I must make for the both of us. The partnership that I loved is no longer. Its all about acceptance. Some days I have it and other days I just forget the rules of this Alzheimers life. But when I go with the flow of acceptance it is always easier for all concerned.
I was lucky the first and only memory nurse told me this. I have an interest in psychology this was explained in an article but I do not remember the source. This lack of consideration is amazing in a once caring person who would rush to anyone's aid. Now he is a detached observer! Do share what you find.
It sounds a bit high minded to say to people they should accept doesn't it, but really it seems the only way we Carers are going to cope with a degree of peace. Not only accepting this is our life, this is not the same outward person as before but above all accepting ourselves. We are not perfect at this job thrown at us.
You have expressed it so well ' the flow of acceptance' like you I find life is so much easier when I do this.
I got my self in a real twist the other day, then everything became more difficult. The printer would not work, I spent most of the day including an hour on chat. Got it working but a different fault the next day.
We needed to copy forms for a hospital visit hence the urgency. Then I could not print the grid lines. Several others had similar problems but that did not help me. My frustration started to cause even more problems.
In trying to help my husband I made it worse. The forms were too small for him to use. Anyhow now found a different solution.
Accepting ultimately that we will lose someone completely is hardest of all.
Tak care PalSal, I am glad you are here. X
You have expressed it so well ' the flow of acceptance' like you I find life is so much easier when I do this.
I got my self in a real twist the other day, then everything became more difficult. The printer would not work, I spent most of the day including an hour on chat. Got it working but a different fault the next day.
We needed to copy forms for a hospital visit hence the urgency. Then I could not print the grid lines. Several others had similar problems but that did not help me. My frustration started to cause even more problems.
In trying to help my husband I made it worse. The forms were too small for him to use. Anyhow now found a different solution.
Accepting ultimately that we will lose someone completely is hardest of all.
Tak care PalSal, I am glad you are here. X
Detached observer, oh yes. Several years ago in thick of it, came home from work late afternoon to find big tree in garden leaning almost falling on house. OH just watching it with interest from kitchen door ...Yes, I know, it's the disease and all that but does not make the trauma on us any better does it. Geraldinexx
I was given no information at all when my OH was diagnosed.
What I did was 'google,google,google' - often the searches led me to the Alzheimer's Society, but sometimes they led me to other sources, and over the 20 months, I have learnt an awful lot.
Some of the things ( like hosting and anacogosnia) I have to keep going back to in order to convince myself that they are real aspects of dementia not just OH being contrary - it does help me feel less wretched about the whole thing.
On here the greatest and best thing is being able to access the experiences of those who are a wee bit ahead of us on this terrible journey. I sometimes feel like Christian in 'Pilgrims Progress' - perhaps I should read the book again.......
Good Luck!
Hi @maryjoan I re-read it recently and it is a really terrific read, no wonder it was a children’s book in my childhood, it is absolutely gripping. So unusual for that period. Doubt it will help with our situation but you never know!
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About empathy this will be no help at all but I just want to add my two pennorth.
Empathy, developmentally, in a child, doesn’t kick in till about seven years old, I have read.
This fits with our son who was disabled. With an IQ placing him in the moderate range of intellectual disability, he was sort of like a five or six year old, developmentally, though a normal child that age would have been streets ahead of him. But as a rough guide, that’s where he was.
And, except in one instance, which I’ve never forgotten, he never exhibited any empathy. So I’ve always thought that that fits with a child needing to be seven before empathy is possible.
I therefore deduce from this that in certain respects my OH with FTD who these days is very selectively empathetic, and not at all with me, is right now heading back past seven years of age at warp speed.
Empathy, developmentally, in a child, doesn’t kick in till about seven years old, I have read.
This fits with our son who was disabled. With an IQ placing him in the moderate range of intellectual disability, he was sort of like a five or six year old, developmentally, though a normal child that age would have been streets ahead of him. But as a rough guide, that’s where he was.
And, except in one instance, which I’ve never forgotten, he never exhibited any empathy. So I’ve always thought that that fits with a child needing to be seven before empathy is possible.
I therefore deduce from this that in certain respects my OH with FTD who these days is very selectively empathetic, and not at all with me, is right now heading back past seven years of age at warp speed.
