... But we do, we do!!!He's in host mode with the carers - try not to take it personally.
When I had a bad virus, sniffle sniffle, staggering round house, flying flag, keeping show on road - no recognition of my parlous state or my efforts from my OH. His only concern was to ring his (hale and hearty) sister, to find out how she was.
Laughing and chatting they were ...
No, you are not selfish just trying to survive a bewildering situation.
Empathy uses the higher brain function and I was warned at the start it was one of the first skills to go.
Does that help? No, not at the time, it always catches me unawares but after the initial stabbing pain it does ease. I see my strong loving man as just being very needy.
For me this is what loneliness is about, having to go it alone. Making all the decisions for us both or on his behalf. When they are just for me it is easier.
This lack of empathy, support and shared strength is really missed.
I can even smile wryly, my daughter came in, we were talking about aspects of my health and what I should/could do. Suddenly there was an input but about his situation.
To survive we have to self care, snatch those small moments. Pat our own backs. So do not think you are selfish or feel guilty.
@AliceA
Completely with you.
I just love it when others make decisions. I get so tired of all the seemingly endless decisions I must make for the both of us. The partnership that I loved is no longer. Its all about acceptance. Some days I have it and other days I just forget the rules of this Alzheimers life. But when I go with the flow of acceptance it is always easier for all concerned.
I was lucky the first and only memory nurse told me this. I have an interest in psychology this was explained in an article but I do not remember the source. This lack of consideration is amazing in a once caring person who would rush to anyone's aid. Now he is a detached observer! Do share what you find.Where you say empathy involves a high brain power ! Very interesting!!i shall try to find more info! Cos it is driving me mad! His constant problems and not an ioata of concern for mine! Where has my caring OH gone???thanks again
Detached observer, oh yes. Several years ago in thick of it, came home from work late afternoon to find big tree in garden leaning almost falling on house. OH just watching it with interest from kitchen door ...Yes, I know, it's the disease and all that but does not make the trauma on us any better does it. GeraldinexxI was lucky the first and only memory nurse told me this. I have an interest in psychology this was explained in an article but I do not remember the source. This lack of consideration is amazing in a once caring person who would rush to anyone's aid. Now he is a detached observer! Do share what you find.
Sorry meant to ask, you say you were informed at the start this was one of the first functions to go!!eho and where did you get information! I am getting desperate for answers!
Hi @maryjoan I re-read it recently and it is a really terrific read, no wonder it was a children’s book in my childhood, it is absolutely gripping. So unusual for that period. Doubt it will help with our situation but you never know!I was given no information at all when my OH was diagnosed.
What I did was 'google,google,google' - often the searches led me to the Alzheimer's Society, but sometimes they led me to other sources, and over the 20 months, I have learnt an awful lot.
Some of the things ( like hosting and anacogosnia) I have to keep going back to in order to convince myself that they are real aspects of dementia not just OH being contrary - it does help me feel less wretched about the whole thing.
On here the greatest and best thing is being able to access the experiences of those who are a wee bit ahead of us on this terrible journey. I sometimes feel like Christian in 'Pilgrims Progress' - perhaps I should read the book again.......
Good Luck!