Shouls I let her do it or take over?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Dayperson, Feb 19, 2015.

  1. Dayperson

    Dayperson Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    275
    Female
    Shropshire
    Apologies if this is in the wrong section or already been discussed (I did have a quick search) but how much should I be helping mum vs letting her work it out for herself? I do help her with her shower (get clothes ready and make sure she does have a shower) and get her pills out to make sure she doesn't forget or have an overdose.

    Should I leave her to do the rest i.e. work out how to use her tablet PC, get her clothes when we go out etc? I have snapped at her when she wants to wear her indoor clothes out (scruffy jogging clothes) and she likes to wear multiple vests and T-Shirts (last year she wore one when it was 30degrees warm).

    I am aware if I do stuff for her, she will give up but sometimes we have time pressures and really need to get stuff done quickly.

    Any advice, dad says she should do stuff herself but is this the correct approach even when I can she can't work it out?
     
  2. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    Do you live with your mum?

    I think you should let her do what she can but if you are around, with direct supervision. Yes it takes less time to do things yourself but to try and keep as much independence as possible is good. But it must be done safely.

    Obviously I don't know you or your mum so you must take any advice that you get, if it's relevant then great, if not then ignore it x
     
  3. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Is this perhaps the intermediate stage. If she appears to be managing g without too much frustration then it's as well to stay nearby to just give a little guidance.

    Perhaps it just isn't yet the time to offer full assistance but I'm sure a guiding hand will help.

    xxTinaT
     
  4. Dayperson

    Dayperson Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    275
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thanks for the replies and advice.

    I live with my mum 24/7 and we've promised not to put her into a home. I do have a rule that after 6pm is my time on my pc, tablet or tv and I go for daily walks so I do have some "me time" and a break from it all.

    Dad and I get very frustrated that it takes her time to do things and I am the sort of person who like to organize and get things done. I think I have a fear of failure and I don't like mum to do things wrong i.e. when we ask her to chop vegetables, she may cut them too small when we ask for them to be large. I think I should just accept she won't get better and be thankful of the better days and accept I need help. Am I correct that it is a good idea to include her rather than make her feel isolated? The problem is that I can't be her full time carer as dad and I have to write our internet app as well.

    I think she's at the middle stage of the illness although we don't have a diagnosis? She will leave lights on, ask where things are and put things back in the wrong place i.e. Marmite in the fridge and I think she has hallucinations as she keeps saying she can hear voices on the landing and thinks they are going to build a ski run opposite our house. She also wears multiple vests and T-Shirts (even last summer when it was 30 degrees) and can't cope with simple tasks like ironing and getting ready to go out / getting dressed in the morning.

    Her behaviour has defiantly started to get to us even though we know she doesn't understand and she can't change. It's silly things like using a whole toilet roll in a day (and we have a septic tank), forgetting where something is and annoying us to get it.

    The problem is that we live in France so I don't know what support and help we are entitled to and our doctor says we should just return to the UK. That is not feasible for us at the moment as we have no connections to the UK and can't move quickly until we release our app.
     
  5. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    I would step back and let her dress as she wishes...and take her time with some things. If you can let some of this go and accept the odd clothing etc it will help you stress wise......(don't sweat the small stuff)
     
  6. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    #6 Onlyme, Feb 20, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2015
    I think her being able to cut vegetable is fantastic. Who cares how big or small they are, she has achieved something.
     
  7. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    879
    Middle England
    Hi Dayperson,
    Mom lives with us and I have her company for many hours a day (likewise she has to put up with my company too!) - and there's the rub...we both do things to frustrate each other with or without the Alz being in the mix.
    I suggest that you try to step back a bit, ease off on the "emotional" side - I have (and still do) get agitated and interfere in small issues that mean little in the overall scheme of things but still I do it because I would like things to be "just so". Its hard but it will help to preserve your sanity if you ignore the veg, the boxes of tissues which are twisted and hidden away, the lost precious scissors, the tree branches which scratch the windows etc.
    Always remember you are not alone - there are others who understand how you are feeling and have experienced what you are going through.
    Twiddler x
     
  8. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,112
    Pick only the battles that have to be won.
    Safety, medication.
    Relax more over dressing, (but be firm, she cannot go shopping in her nightdress!)
    Washing might become difficult, remember she'll come to little harm, washing weekly rather than daily.

    Good luck
    Bod
     
  9. Dayperson

    Dayperson Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    275
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I involved mum a lot more today, I helped her bake a cake and we went for a little walk.

    I can cope when she's normal, I just can't cope when she has her bad days and I often let her get to me. When she has one of her moods, it makes me moody and it takes a while to snap out of it. It frustrates me when she says I'm dads girl because she see that I behave differently around him. I just hate the roller coaster of pretending everything is fine until she will inevitably do something which dad or I may moan at.

    How rapid is the decline or does it vary from one person to another? She has really deteriorated in the last few months, and the doctor just recommend moving country rather than helping.
     
  10. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    It really is an individual thing to be honest. No person is the same as another but there are similarities.
    If you want to keep order and have everything "just so" you really are going to become unhappy. There is so much that comes with dementia. Is there any outside help where you are? Maybe that can help you.
     
  11. Dayperson

    Dayperson Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    275
    Female
    Shropshire
    Not really, we are very isolated living in France where we can't speak the language and the doctor won't help and just says we should return to the UK and we can't return quickly because we have no connections.

    I am kind of anxious as to how things are going to go because if we can't get help here, she is going to get worse until we do end up being able to return.
     
  12. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,112
    Try this website
    http://www.alz.org/fr/dementia-alzheimers-france.asp

    You will have to make a real effort with the language, but it will be a problem for your mum and local carers.

    It would appear that there is a French Alzheimer's support system.

    Good luck
    Bod
     
  13. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    If you want to stay in France it is important that you get a French speaker to go to an appropriate doctor with you and your mum to explain that you would like treatment for AD. I have looked at the website posted by Bod, above and the links seem to take you to a US site, which has some good info about dementia generally but nothing about the system in France. You really need an interpreter and some time to spend getting your mum the help she clearly needs.
    I doubt that your mum is in the middle stages, but who knows, it sounds quite early to me.
    If you don't think you can deal with the language issues and all the extra costs that this will bring you, because interpreters don't come cheap, then start making arrangements to return to the Uk now, rent a house in an area you would like to live in so you have an address and can register with the GP.
     
  14. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,112
    http://www.francealzheimer.org/
    This is a French language site, as I don't read French I cannot say how useful it might be.
    The previous one was the first English language site I found, I must admit I didn't read it.

    Good luck
    Bod
     
  15. Dayperson

    Dayperson Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    275
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thanks for the suggestions. I have looked at the French Alzheimers site and unfortunately there seems to be a lot of support in the Dorodgne but nothing in Haute Vienne where we are. We would like to return to the UK, but is there anything we can do in advance or is it only when we are on British soil that we can get the ball rolling?

    We are in a dilemma as we can't return until we can finance a move back and that may take some months as we don't have disposable income or contacts to move back quickly. How long do we have until mum is likely to be in a state where she can't move? I'm dreading it as I know we'll have a battle with packing as she won't trust us to do it, but won't help us. The last move to France was a nightmare where we were doing a lot of last minute packing.
     
  16. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    I suggest one of you takes your mum back to the UK and lives in a small furnished rented place, take minimum belongings. Register with a GP and get things going. The other packs up in France, rents the house out or sells it or whatever, and then moves back to UK as well. That way your Mum will be off the scene and won't be able to assist with packing and won't be exposed to the stress.
    It will be really tough. But a lot of this is going to be very hard on you all. As to how long you have, well we had about five years after mum started being like you say your mum is and then we moved my parents.
    Mum is still going, still at home another four years down the line. We would still have been able to move her now. So who knows, you may have a couple of years, you may have close on ten.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.