Mum (71) has been in a specialist dementia care home since July last year, ever since coming out of hospital after a left knee op. The plan had never been to have mum transferred to a home after the knee op, however due to the dementia it took a long time to get over the operation and it was impossible for mum to return to her own bungalow, albeit with live-in care, as was originally planned.
For the first 7 months things weren't too bad, mum rarely asked about going back to her home and appeared to be settling reasonably well. There were some periods of depression and tears, but possibly this is normal with the progression of the disease.
The last two weeks have been a nightmare - mums depression has reached horrendous levels and everything is going wrong....pain in her right-knee where she has ruptured the tendons, pain in her stomach, lack of appetite, not drinking enough fluids and a deep depression. In the last few days mum has been continuously asking and saying to me "what's happened to me? "where am I?" "I'd rather be dead?". It's so upsetting and I'm now starting to feel a very sick feeling inside my stomach every time I walk n to the care home. Please let it be better today, but in my heart I know it will not be. I actually think she is going through a grieving process herself - she is gradually losing the concept of who her family members are and in a way is calling out for support.
Now i'm wondering whether or not I should take my mother back to visit her bungalow, say once every couple of weeks. My thinking is that it will give her at least some kind of reference point and some familiarity where she can piece together where she was, and that her home still exists, and where she is now. Is this a good idea?...or something that could risk causing more harm than good? From a personal point of view I would feel bad if I never took mum back to her bungalow, but by thinking of my own conscience am I just being selfish? I have discussed it with my wife and she thinks it's too risky, that I would be taking mum to something she can't have any more. I understand that viewpoint but i also think my mum has a right to visit the home that she lovingly looked after over so many years.
So the question is should we or shouldn't we take mum to visit her home?
Martin
For the first 7 months things weren't too bad, mum rarely asked about going back to her home and appeared to be settling reasonably well. There were some periods of depression and tears, but possibly this is normal with the progression of the disease.
The last two weeks have been a nightmare - mums depression has reached horrendous levels and everything is going wrong....pain in her right-knee where she has ruptured the tendons, pain in her stomach, lack of appetite, not drinking enough fluids and a deep depression. In the last few days mum has been continuously asking and saying to me "what's happened to me? "where am I?" "I'd rather be dead?". It's so upsetting and I'm now starting to feel a very sick feeling inside my stomach every time I walk n to the care home. Please let it be better today, but in my heart I know it will not be. I actually think she is going through a grieving process herself - she is gradually losing the concept of who her family members are and in a way is calling out for support.
Now i'm wondering whether or not I should take my mother back to visit her bungalow, say once every couple of weeks. My thinking is that it will give her at least some kind of reference point and some familiarity where she can piece together where she was, and that her home still exists, and where she is now. Is this a good idea?...or something that could risk causing more harm than good? From a personal point of view I would feel bad if I never took mum back to her bungalow, but by thinking of my own conscience am I just being selfish? I have discussed it with my wife and she thinks it's too risky, that I would be taking mum to something she can't have any more. I understand that viewpoint but i also think my mum has a right to visit the home that she lovingly looked after over so many years.
So the question is should we or shouldn't we take mum to visit her home?
Martin
