Should we let mum get away with not doing things?

[Dayperson]

My dad and I have a disagreement and he says I rub mum up the wrong way because I make her do little things like wash her hands and she tries to resist. I am worried when I am not there he will let things slide to prevent arguments but should he be doing that? I do try and make mum do what she can and will intervene when my patience has run out or if we are under time pressures.

I am worried that because mum is struggling with getting in and out of the car, dad will refuse to take mum to the day centre for the break he needs.

 

[Jessbow]

Do you live with them? I think its hard for us to understand those that do the caring 24/7 sometimes.

Much as we want our loved ones to do as much as they can for themselves, sometimes prompting them is just too much and easier left. ''Anything for a quiet life''.

 

[Witzend]

Re getting in and out of a car, my mother quite suddenly became unable to do this - she had forgotten what to do with her arms and legs, and would get panicky if I tried to steer her in backwards. So sadly, that was the end of our outings.
Can your mother remember how to wash her hands by herself? I say this because it's another thing my mother forgot how to do - someone had to help her with every step. Once, after I'd taken her to the loo and said, 'Now let's wash your hands,' she tried to put them down the flushing toilet!

I dare say your mother is not at this stage yet, but it's as well to remember that sometimes the PWD has forgotten how to do the most basic things - and perhaps would rather refuse than say so.

So tactful assistance may help, though if it's just general stroppiness/awkwardness, that is harder to deal with (as I know from experience of that, too.)

 

[Lawson58]

My dad and I have a disagreement and he says I rub mum up the wrong way because I make her do little things like wash her hands and she tries to resist. I am worried when I am not there he will let things slide to prevent arguments but should he be doing that? I do try and make mum do what she can and will intervene when my patience has run out or if we are under time pressures.

I am worried that because mum is struggling with getting in and out of the car, dad will refuse to take mum to the day centre for the break he needs.

I think trying to 'make' a person with dementia 'do' anything is the problem as I think the harder you do that, the harder they will push back. Getting a PWD to cooperate is tricky and in my experience, you will do better if you don't take them head on.

Quite often a person with dementia can be almost childlike in their responses and perhaps you need to change your approach with your mum. If your mum needs to wash her hands, why not make that something you do with her - put your hands with hers in the water, use lots of bubbly hand wash, stroke her hands as you wash them and make the experience a pleasurable one for her.

If you upset your mother and get her agitated, you have no idea of what your dad has to deal with long after you've gone. I am sure you only want the best for both of your parents so perhaps you need to adjust how you are doing things at the moment. Why not sit down with your dad and ask him how you can help?

 

[Tin]

When I want to wash mum's hands I have to wash mine as well. I put warm water in the sink and with my help, both pair of hands are plunged into it. She will not do it on her own and if I try to force her she just fights back harder not to put her hands in the water. If you are worried that your father will not help her wash hands when needed then buy a sanitising hand spray that he can use on her, you never know it may be easier for him to accept this than the process of getting her to wash her hands himself.

 

[Moggymad]

I used the term "shall we......" wash our hands, have a cup of tea , get in the car, go to the loo, change your top etc. I found mum was more willing then. I used to try to get mum to do things herself but in the end she would say not yet, do it tomorrow, always do 'whatever' on a Sunday! I realised it was because she couldn't do it so had to change my approach.

 

[Brid John]

My dad and I have a disagreement and he says I rub mum up the wrong way because I make her do little things like wash her hands and she tries to resist. I am worried when I am not there he will let things slide to prevent arguments but should he be doing that? I do try and make mum do what she can and will intervene when my patience has run out or if we are under time pressures.

I am worried that because mum is struggling with getting in and out of the car, dad will refuse to take mum to the day centre for the break he needs.

 

[Brid John]

A good source of help and ways to persuade a person with dementia is contained in the book, "The 36-Hour Day". It covers so many of things, it's like a bible of information

 

[Dayperson]

Brid John I'll tale a look at the book you suggested.

I currently live at home with mum and dad but spend a day a week at work out of the house. I try to wash mums hands at the same time as mine (usually because I have to clean and flush the toilet).

I think the day centre are looking at getting transport to the centre but it isn't up and running yet.