Should my mother attend her husbands funeral

Lesley Elliott

New member
Oct 5, 2017
1
0
Greater Manchester
my mother has late stage Vascular Dementia and my father died suddenly on Friday. We have told mum dad has died, she appeared to understand this, cried then instantly forgot. Mum is constantly asking for dad and looking for him. I think she thinks he has gone away and left her. Dad was her main carer, she will not allow anyone to do her personal care and she cannot do this herself. Wexare having to look at residential care homes.

My dillema is, do we take mum to dads
funeral? Does anyone have any experience of this please?
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,001
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Dundee
I have no personal experience of this but there are others who do and I'm sure they'll respond.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. A particularly hard time for you even your mum's situation. Sending my condolences.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
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Ireland
I am sorry for your loss too. It must be a particularly hard situation for you. As to the funeral, I don't know what I'd advise. Your mum may not understand what's going on at all, or she may, and become very distressed and the trauma of it could accelerate the progression of her dementia. Even if she doesn't understand who's funeral it is, she will pick up on the atmosphere, and on the family's grief.

But, you know what? I think (and this is just my opinion), that if it was my family, what I would do is arrange for her to go, but make sure that there was someone other than immediate family to have charge of your mum if she becomes upset. Someone who will sit with her, who will, if necessary, if it becomes too much for her, take her out and bring her for coffee and cake or take her home. But of course, you know your mum and how she is best. A consultation with the rest of the family, and observing her over the next few days before the funeral will give you a good idea of whether she will be able for it or not.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
I sing in a church choir, and last week we sang at one of our very lovely ex members funeral. And his equally lovely wife was not there. We prayed for her, and it was just announced that she could not be there due to poor health. I am sure it was horrible for her family...it was certainly hard for us, who had so enjoyed knowing and singing with them both for so many years. But the family must have made the decision in their mum's best interest...hard though it must have been.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
I also have no personal experience of this, but wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. This must make a difficult situation that much harder for you and your family. Please accept my condolences.