Should I tell my dad we're selling his house?

[alyssrose]

Hi, I'm looking for some ideas and advice. My dad has Alzheimer's and is living in a care home. He is still fairly lucid a lot of the time and can have a good conversation and understand things, but also he a lot of short term memory loss, and some of his reasoning skills have gone and he can't always understand concepts. He doesn't entirely understand why he needs to be in a care home and sometimes resents it, and sometimes talks of plans to get out of there, get fit, and find a nice place to live by himself (that is not a care home).

Here's my dilemma: We have to sell his house to cover his care costs. Me and my sister are trying to decide whether we should tell him about this, and also whether or not it would be a good thing to take him to say goodbye to the house. We think there could be benefits of sharing this information with him - and would like to do it out of respect and honesty. But we are concerned that it might be a traumatic experience for him (and us!) and we don't know if it's in his best interest.

Advice, ideas and your experiences much appreciated.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello alyssrose

I wouldn't tell your dad.

The respect and honesty you feel is perfectly right and proper but unfortunately dementia is not. Your dad may understand initially but may then become confused and upset and then there will be no going back.

With my mother and my husband, I told them only what they needed to know and very little was important . I avoided all information I thought might upset them. It was not lack of respect , I know it was not always honest but it was always in order to try to protect them from confusion and upset.

 

[lemonjuice]

It's always a difficult call. One doesn't want to distress them, but if one has always been upfront and honest in the family it's a hard thing to change.

When my mother originally went into the NH I did say," Mum do you trust me to make the best decisions on your behalf?". Not sure she completely understood all that might entail, but she did nod her head and I have always taken that as 'giving me her permission'. Fortunately she soon lost all memory of ever living anywhere else so it never became a problem. But others I know often talk, or even insist on staff 'to get a taxi and take me to xxxxx !' (home address) That takes some good negotiating skills.

I have told my mother we've got to sell her house soon, just because I need to be honest with her. However she obviously has no concept of what selling a house means and with not being able to speak, can't communicate her feelings. It's more for me to know I've been honest to the end.

EDIT: I do agree you need to assess your own situation. if your father is likely to ask about it in the future, then avoiding telling him may be best.

 

[Beate]

I wouldn't tell him. He does not need to know, he is not involved in the decision, so why upset him?

 

[jugglingmum]

I think respect for a PWD includes not telling them things that will distress them and are outside their control

So if it will distress him, don't tell him.

It does depend on his level of lucidity, if he can't understand why the house needs to be sold, he is not lucid in this area.

Again, if he is settled in his care home, I am not sure there is anything to gain for him with a last goodbye to his house, and you might be bringing weeks or months of anxiety on yourself.

 

[Katrine]

My SIL wanted to take her mum to say goodbye to the house. We dissuaded her because we knew her mum would be upset and confused. What benefit would she have had from the experience? Really, is saying goodbye to a house ever a happy occasion? Is it in any way a kind thing to do to your parent?

It would be like saying "We're just bringing you here to show you where you used to live. You can't live here any more and we're selling the house." Totally disempowering to the poor old parent. Rubbing their nose in the fact that you now make the big decisions. If they say they want to stay you risk an upsetting scene and having to hustle them out of the house.

You say you think there would be benefits of sharing the information about the house sale with him. I suggest that you and your sister get pen and paper and work through these questions together:
how does this benefit Dad?
how does this benefit me/us?
will Dad remember?
what will the emotional impact on Dad be?
what could happen if we don't tell him?
what do we need to do if we decide to keep it to ourselves? e.g. make sure friends and relatives don't tell him.

 

[RedLou]

The first time I came on here I was advised to tell 'love lies.' I decided not to do this. I thought it was important my father had someone who was always telling him the truth. I thought this would count for something long-term; that he would have some level of basic trust in me. I also thought that if he knew there was nothing for him but a miserable state nursing home in the country where he lived he would be persuaded to return to the UK, which I always wanted him to, as it would have been so much better.

There was no long-term trust built. He just took his frustrations out on me because his life wasn't as he wanted it to be. (He spent a year in hospital, of which about four months were because there was no where else for him to go.) I did not persuade him to return to the UK because dementia is not open to reason. He was convinced he was going to get better so there was no need for him to move near to me.

In hindsight, I wish I'd taken the advice. I don't even have the satisfaction of thinking, 'Well at least I always told the truth.' Ultimately, there was no reason for telling him the truth and it only upset him further. I just didn't realise it at the time.

 

[Marcelle123]

I didn't tell my mother that I was selling her house. When family were staying there & visiting, they pretended they were staying with me or in a hotel. If my mother asked when she was leaving the care home, I said she needed to get better first, However, she didn't often ask, and seemed to accept that she was in a new place and be puzzled about where she used to live. Still, I didn't want to risk upsetting her & stopping the settling-in process.

Now, I have sold it, and set up a new contract with the care home based on its proceeds. She should have about four years before the £23K rule kicks in. She is 96, but she may still be living then, as apart from the dementia, she is strong and healthy.

Yesterday she asked about her situation and I told her that we'd sold the house to pay for her care. She seemed to accept it - but a little later, got stuck in a loop about how she'd enjoyed gardening but should get a man in to keep it tidy now. That's what she used to say in the final weeks in her own home.

So even though it didn't upset her hugely, I think I won't be talking about the house sale again.

 

[alyssrose]

Thanks

Thankyou everyone who has responded for taking the time to share your experiences and thoughts with me.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I wouldn't tell him., I didn't tell dad as why upset the apple cart! If you have no choice as he needs the funds what would be gained by being upfront? All the decisions we have to make are hard as we feel deceitful but this is caused by the dementia not us. If he mentions the house use love lies to distract.