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Should I Take My Mother Home For A Visit?

Lynnpin

Registered User
Aug 11, 2011
30
Tyneside
My mother is 96 next week, has Alzheimers and had a stroke 12 months ago resulting in her placement in a care home as she was expected to die within weeks. She fought back from the brink twice and proved all the doctors wrong. Apart from leaving her more or less incontinent there are no physical signs of stroke remaining.

I feel so guilty that she is in a care home and now that she realises it herself she just wants to come home. She doesn't really believe me when I say she can go home when the doctors says she's better. I would love to take her home for a visit but I fear she would refuse to go back. Has anyone any experience of handling this type of scenario? How did you cope?
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
889
High Peak
Don't do it. What would be the point? You know she will never be able to return to her home - taking her there would just be rubbing it in: 'Look here's your home! You can stay for half an hour but that's all, then you'll have to return to the place you don't want to be.'

What would that achieve?
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,349
My mother is 96 next week, has Alzheimers and had a stroke 12 months ago resulting in her placement in a care home as she was expected to die within weeks. She fought back from the brink twice and proved all the doctors wrong. Apart from leaving her more or less incontinent there are no physical signs of stroke remaining.

I feel so guilty that she is in a care home and now that she realises it herself she just wants to come home. She doesn't really believe me when I say she can go home when the doctors says she's better. I would love to take her home for a visit but I fear she would refuse to go back. Has anyone any experience of handling this type of scenario? How did you cope?
What purpose would this serve? You've just admitted she might refuse to go back. Don't put her and yourself through it.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,287
Don't do it. What would be the point? You know she will never be able to return to her home - taking her there would just be rubbing it in: 'Look here's your home! You can stay for half an hour but that's all, then you'll have to return to the place you don't want to be.'

What would that achieve?
Yes - exactly this. You would be showing her what she can't have, and it would make her more upset rather than less.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
186
I agree, don't do it. My cousin, with the kindest of intentions, did this with our grandmother. Upon returning to the care home, and understanding that she would not be able to return home to live, she stopped eating and drinking and died within a week.
 

Lynnpin

Registered User
Aug 11, 2011
30
Tyneside
Thank you all for your feedback. Your comments are appreciated and were much as I expected. That is so sad CardiffGirlInEssex.

I was just hoping against hope that someone may have had a brilliant plan to make it possible.
 

Livelifetothefull

New member
Sep 22, 2019
4
I disagree. I have taken my mum home for the odd night whenever I visit her (I live 170 miles away) and it has never been a problem. She understands that she can go back there with me whenever I visit and it has never been an issue. I think the change of scene away from the care home does her good. You'll never know unless you try.
 

Lynnpin

Registered User
Aug 11, 2011
30
Tyneside
Thanks Livelifetothefull. I suppose it depends how bad their mental health is too. My mother normally can't be reasoned with and wouldn't understand that she could go back another time so maybe it is kinder not to take her in the long run.
 

Livelifetothefull

New member
Sep 22, 2019
4
I know everyone is different and it may not work for everyone. The care home were reluctant to let me take my mum home as they were also convinced she wouldn’t want to come back. Instead, it had a positive effect and she almost felt reassured that everything on the outside was still the same. As I can’t see my mum more than once a month due to the distance it’s nice to take her out and spend a bit of quality time away from the home. I’ve been doing this for five years now. I am convinced this helps her and gives her something to look forward to.
 

rainbowcat

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
139
ALSO...does she know what "home" is? Is she remembering her most recent home? Or a childhood home? Or a completely false memory of "home"?

"Home" might mean to her somewhere that she thinks she will feel safe.
 

Lynnpin

Registered User
Aug 11, 2011
30
Tyneside
Before her stroke she was wanting to go home all the time, even though she was already there. So it's difficult to know which home she means. I think she means either one as long as it gets her out of the care home! She realises she's locked up in there.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,401
South coast
Mum used to want to go out and I would take her to a garden centre, the local park, along the seafront or just to a cafe for tea and cake. She used to enjoy going out, but I only took her home once and she got terribly distressed, so I never did it again.

There are lots of places you can take her so that she can have a change of scenery, without taking her back home.