Should I Take Dad Out Of The Care Home So We I Can Enjoy A Birthday Lunch?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by MaNaAk, Aug 13, 2018.

  1. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,526
    Essex
    Hello Everyone!

    Dad has now been in his care home five weeks and he seems to be well settled however next Saturday is my birthday and my youngest brother and I having been discussing how to celebrate. I have thought about spending the evening with my friends but the daytime with my family. I am thinking about us going out to lunch at a local Indian restaurant on Sunday because they have a buffet and then afterwards I could open some presents at my brothers flat or the care home. I don't think it would be a good idea bringing him back to this house because it was where I cared for him and this is his house and he may not want to leave. What I would like to know is what is experience has everyone else had when they took their loved one out of the care home for the first time? If I am concerned I could do something with dad in the home and I am planning to visit him on Saturday anyhow.

    MaNaAk
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,106
    Female
    South coast
    I think that sounds a lovely idea. I agree - I wouldnt take him back to your home afterwards, but going back to the care home to open presents sounds fine. Its a good idea to take him out lunch time, he would probably be too tired in the evening and lots of people would probably distress him. Do be prepared to cut the lunch short if he starts to get agitated.

    Have a lovely birthday :D
     
  3. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    There can be downsides to taking a loved one out of the home, but in my experience not for a family occasion, only on a one to one basis. Enjoy.
     
  4. Primrose19

    Primrose19 Registered User

    Nov 27, 2016
    58
    Female
    We took mum out to lunch after about 8 weeks, she was ok, I think enjoyed being with the family, regarded it as normal as we used to do that sort of thing before. Went fairly happily back into the home which we had worried more about. Went out about once a month for lunch after that, always to nearby pubs and restaurants, never back to her or other family’s homes.
     
  5. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,526
    Essex
    Thankyou all for your suggestions. To ensure that we leave in good time I think I'll phone the home and ask them to get dad ready. This way we can avoid any difficulties with shoes and hopefully toilets.

    MaNaAk
     
  6. Rolypoly

    Rolypoly Registered User

    Jan 15, 2018
    2,319
    Sounds like a good plan. Hope you all enjoy the day.
     
  7. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    616
    Hi all, I took Mum out after 5 weeks and it was fine but I agree that taking your Dad 'home' may not be a good idea but I honestly don't know tbh as I haven't tried it. Not much help but I hope you have a very happy day with your Dad xxx
     
  8. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,766
    Bless you @MaNaAk for thinking of your dad on your birthday. Hope you all have a lovely day.
     
  9. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,526
    Essex
    Thankyou all again! Just one more question have you ever as an attorney ever drawn money out of a PWDs account to pay for birthday presents. My brother is kindly paying for the birthday meal but when I said that I could draw money out of dad's account so that he could contribute to the proceedings as he has always done in the past my brother said that he and his partner don't want me to withdraw any money for their birthday or xmas presents because that money goes towards dad's care which is very thoughtful. However I was a bit taken aback when he asked if I had taken any of dad's money for my birthday present when a few months ago he suggested that I should pay myself a wage from dad's money. I never paid myself a wage from dad's money of course but I did take money £30 for a birthday present because I think that there is still a part of dad that would be mortified if dad realised that he hadn't contributed anything. He always gave money rather than presents. I still sometime feel that there are things that both of my brothers could have done to releave my caring role. One such question is why couldn't someone have collected the Power Of Attorney document for health from our local sorting office when I was away? I had to collect it by bus and take it to the care home when I returned!

    MaNaAk
     
  10. Lorna44

    Lorna44 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2016
    181
    Female
    Surrey
    As POA , you can give gifts for birthday or Christmas as long as it is reasonable. I give each close family member a £50 cheque (so that there is a record) which is considerably less than we used to get! X
     
  11. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,526
    Essex
    Thankyou Lorna! This makes me feel a bit better and I appreciate my brothers concern. Of course I will always be careful with dad's money but I think there was a momentary forgetfulness on my brother's part about the care that I gave to dad. Those that are not directly involved in caring are good at giving advice but they aren't necessarily hands on.

    MaNaAk
     
  12. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,526
    Essex
    Forgot to say as a former carer I am now in a transition period in that I am caring fro dad from afar and also trying to go back into my job as a musician. My brothers don't realise that I am still seeing to dad's appointments, finances and any benefits he may be entitled to.

    MaNaAk
     
  13. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,453
    Kent
    I never did...however that is a reasonable amount that you know your dad would have continued with if he was able...just keep it documented. Some people who have never been hands on carers assume that once the pwd is being looked after in a home a carer's load ceases or lessens. I was still dad's carer it was just different but apart from regular visiting still much to do for him and actually in some respects monitoring dad's NH care was equally demanding with changes in decline.
     
  14. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,106
    Female
    South coast
    No, you dont stop caring when they go into a care home - there is still so much to do.
    People who have not been in that position dont seem to understand that

    Good luck with your return to working. What do you sing/play?
     
  15. Blondee

    Blondee Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    105
    Hello MaNaAk
    Lovely to hear from you and glad all is going well. I know how worrying it can be.
    When mum was admitted to the home, which you will know was just before your dad, I fully expected to be able to take her out for lunch to a nearby country pub which we as an extended family often visit. It quickly became apparent that won’t be possible. Mum has settled but her condition has deteriorated. To take her out may well satisfy me but really wouldn’t help her much. So I think your de vision not to take your dad home is the right one. As for taking him out I think you will need to judge how likely he will be to settle back in. Seeing my mum in the home I wouldn’t think it would be a good idea. Their lives and whole worlds change and stability is I think the key now.
    The care home in fact called me today to say that they had done a record check and there were a couple,e of forms that they didn’t have. One of them was a DNR. I will of course put that in place but it was a bit of a jolt being asked about it and the home were in no way pushy. In fact when I said yes I suppose I should they said talk about it and tell us later. On a nicer vein, the nurse told me she has been getting mum up the last few mornings and mum has been so lovely, just wanting to have a good morning cuddle which makes everyone feel better. Glad that mum’s well but have to confess to a bit of jealousy as someone else is getting cuddles but at least I know she is well looked after.
    Sorry MaNaAk but as usual I seem to be taking over your thread. I’m so glad that your dad has settled.
    There is one very important person though - how are things with you? I suspect you and I both got to the same position. I know that what I did for mum was the best thing I could do but there is still that bit of me that feels I should be feeling guilty. Hope you are doing ok.

    Denise x
     
  16. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,526
    Essex
    Thankyou everyone! I'm going to see dad tomorrow, my birthday, and then I will be going out for a meal with my friends. I will be going out to lunch with my brother, his partner and dad on sunday but I am already planning a plan B in case something goes wrong. If there is a problem this time I think I'll do what Blondee says and just visit dad in the home in future. Canary I play Piano and Violin and I hope to play at dad's care home again soon and Blondee I went out to lunch with my friend today to a cafe that dad and I used to go to and she orderd soup which is what dad always had and I couldn't help but think of him. However I told myself that he is having lunch with his friends and I reminded myself that we couldn't go on as we were. I hope you are okay.

    MaNaAk
     
  17. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,453
    Kent
    Have a lovely birthday weekend and hoping the outing with your dad is successful.
     
  18. Rolypoly

    Rolypoly Registered User

    Jan 15, 2018
    2,319
    Happy birthday, enjoy your celebrations this weekend.
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,106
    Female
    South coast
    Happy Birthday @MaNaAk
    I hope it all goes well
     
  20. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,395
    Female
    Chester
    Have a lovely birthday weekend - hope all goes well and you don't need plan B
     

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