My dilemma may be a common one; My mother's memory has deteriorated a lot these past 2 yrs or more to the point now where she has forgotten that most of her family, brothers, sisters, parents, and even her husband (my father) have passed away. She talks very much in the past, using present tense for times and things of the 1940's/50's. The hardest thing is when she starts pondering where my dad has got to, and I am at a loss as to whether I should remind her that he passed away some 10 years ago - she was with him at the time. The same with her parents, and she keeps things aside for 'when they come back'. At first this was taken as 'the resurrection' but lately this has changed to 'they are away on holiday'. I got frustrated once and told her straight that they are all gone; up in Heaven, and she went really quiet for half an hour and I thought ' my God, what have I done ' but then she was off again about when her parents come back and I breathed a sigh of relief!! My question is this; Should I remind her that these people, especially my father as she is now thinking he has gone off with someone else, are deceased? Her remaining brother sat her down and explained to her that their parents had gone, and the years they died but then the next week she had forgotten the conversation altogether. It must be very confusing for her, and it upsets me too when I am constantly reminded of close family members and friends who are no longer on this earthly plain. Should I tell her when she asks - what should I say?? I am at a loss. Thanks to anyone with any helpful ideas. I guess there are many in similar situations.
SHOULD I REMIND HER THEY ARE DEAD & GONE?
- Thread starter Arjessa
- Start date
No, don't keep reminding her that they are gone. If she is fine with thinking that her parents are on holiday go along with it, saying things like they're having a lovely time. With regards your father, you know your mother best so what explanation might she accept? Maybe he is out at work, fishing, gone to the shops, visiting his friends etc. Try distraction techniques by changing the subject and doing something that she might like. In my Mum's case a drink and a cake or chocolate usually does the trick.
I can understand how difficult it is for you to be reminded of loved ones who have passed away. Unfortunately she's going to do that whatever answer you give her - because ten minutes later she won't remember what you said. But if you tell her they are dead, she will get upset.
So could you think of something 'kind' to tell her about your father? I don't know what their relationship was, or what would sit well with her - that he's away working/is out with his brother/gone shopping - something she would immediately think 'oh yes that sounds right'. And then whatever you decide, just repeat it the same way each time. That will make it easier for you, because you don't even have to think about it, you're just parroting the words, and your mother will (hopefully) accept it. Just do whatever makes it easy for her - because that will then be easy for you too.
When my mother moved to a care home, in the first few weeks her question was always "where's the cat" - and I always said "a nice lady is looking after him and he's doing very well". That seemed to satisfy her and she did stop asking after a while.
So could you think of something 'kind' to tell her about your father? I don't know what their relationship was, or what would sit well with her - that he's away working/is out with his brother/gone shopping - something she would immediately think 'oh yes that sounds right'. And then whatever you decide, just repeat it the same way each time. That will make it easier for you, because you don't even have to think about it, you're just parroting the words, and your mother will (hopefully) accept it. Just do whatever makes it easy for her - because that will then be easy for you too.
When my mother moved to a care home, in the first few weeks her question was always "where's the cat" - and I always said "a nice lady is looking after him and he's doing very well". That seemed to satisfy her and she did stop asking after a while.
If you can ignore or gloss over then eventually she will move on. For my husband in the early years it was different because he was so determined to go out and meet his six brothers who were all dead. The places he was going to no longer existed and once out of our house he had no idea how to get back. We used mobile phones and trackers but all had limited use. I then told my husband each time he mentioned a brother that they were dead and when they died and changed the subject. I had to do this many times. Don’t dwell on it just be matter of fact. He mentioned them less and less. Anti depressants helped too.
My mother asked for her parents off and on for years, often saying she wanted to visit them. I would agree, saying "we can go the day after tomorrow because tomorrow I have a dentist appointment". When she asked how they were, I would answer "Fine. The same as always." This was true because they had been dead for 40+ years. When she asked where they were, I would answer with the name of the town the cemetery was in. These answers seemed to satisfy her for a while.
Only once at the very beginning of her illness did I tell her my grandmother was dead. She burst into a flood of tears as though it was the first time she heard it, as indeed in her mind it was. She even asked why no one had told her.
Only once at the very beginning of her illness did I tell her my grandmother was dead. She burst into a flood of tears as though it was the first time she heard it, as indeed in her mind it was. She even asked why no one had told her.
Thanks Louise. She is realising that she hasn't seen my dad for sometime although her awareness of time is muddled. She began thinking that he was doing some jobs around the house for his mother, my Nan, who passed away in 1983. Today she came up with the thought that he had gone off with someone else - a friend of his oldest sister's I gather. They have always been so close and I'd hate her to even consider this. It is something he would never do. We have his Ashes here with us in a large Urn, but her failing eyesight means she cannot see this too clearly in any case. Trouble is, she does know it's been a long time since she'd heard from/seen him.
This is so difficult. I remember the first time that mum complained that her husband, who had died 25 years previously, was not there. She said "Hes never at home - I think hes got himself a fancy woman" and I was completely floored. I tried to gently remind her that he had died and she was so upset, but within 2 minutes she was saying that she had no idea what she would have for dinner, but not to worry, because her husband would be home soon and he would sort it out 
This was a persistent thought in her mind. It segued into her believing that he was living upstairs in the flat above with his "fancy piece". Obviously there was no husband, no fancy piece and, indeed, no upstairs flat as she lived in a bungalow.......... Whatever I said I could not shake this delusion (which persisted until she moved into her care home), or even pacify her. If I said that he was at work, she would agree and then 2 mins later she would be complaining that he was asking her to cook for him and the other woman.
This was a persistent thought in her mind. It segued into her believing that he was living upstairs in the flat above with his "fancy piece". Obviously there was no husband, no fancy piece and, indeed, no upstairs flat as she lived in a bungalow.......... Whatever I said I could not shake this delusion (which persisted until she moved into her care home), or even pacify her. If I said that he was at work, she would agree and then 2 mins later she would be complaining that he was asking her to cook for him and the other woman.
My Mum would often say she had to get home as her mum and dad would not like her being away so long, then it changed over time to she needed to go and see them, we told her they were at work so would be around later or we would see them tomorrow and then changed the subject. It's not easy and makes you feel bad at first but she seemed to be OK with this. Xx
Hi it’s a similar problem with my Mum she is 88 and is as yet undiagnosed she has had several obsessions including bugs in the house a strange man moving her stuff and now she believes a photograph of herself aged four on the cover of a book (about her life) is a child that needs feeding and looking after.She will cry over it saying it’s not right not to feed her so we have tried going along with it but that seemed to make thing worse so we just keep saying it’s you Mum and saying what a pretty girl you were. It seems to work for varying amounts of time but always comes back it’s been going on for two weeks or so and we hope it will subside soon but the imaginary man had lasted four to five weeks and indeed still rears his ugly head fleetingly and as she was terrified of him we feel her book girl is at least benign but will probably be replaced by something else. We are exhausted and feel guiltily that our lives have been hijacked by our own dear Mum.
I hope you have now removed the book so that it does not continue to act as a 'trigger' for your Mum? If she continues to mention it maybe say something like the child's Mum has come back to collect her and is looking after her now so she is safe and well.
All what you kind and exhausted people say sounds familiar, and thank-you for your comments. I find it very difficult to go along with her 'fantasies' about where people are, and even more difficult to tell her something that isn't true, all be it a 'little white lie' that may ease any upsets. Some days she seems clearer than others. Some says are quite comical, others stressful. When she came out of hospital and into a Care Home for a few weeks while we repainted her room, she was getting worse at remembering people and places. I think being away from familiar things made her worse, so she is with us for the present and for as long as possible I guess. Her mind id fixed on the home from her childhood - although we have moved across the world half a dozen times. I wish she could remember more of the places we lived at with my father and all the travels and good times we've had together.
"Little white lies" are so hard for us to do because we are brought up to be truthful and it goes against everything we feel is right, but they are frequently necessary for people with dementia because the truth can cause so much upset and/or anger.
I have heard of it being called "therapeutic untruths" as they are being told for the wellbeing of the person with dementia. If they are unable to accept the truth because the dementia makes them unable, then all you can do is minimise their distress. If the term therapeutic untruths helps you with doing this, then do think of them in that way.
I have heard of it being called "therapeutic untruths" as they are being told for the wellbeing of the person with dementia. If they are unable to accept the truth because the dementia makes them unable, then all you can do is minimise their distress. If the term therapeutic untruths helps you with doing this, then do think of them in that way.
We have thought to do this but in many ways her” Jeanie” book is her way of putting people and things together
and it would break her heart not to have it, in the mornings if she has slept (not often) she refers to it much less but by mid day things start to become a bit more intense and night times are often awful my sister and I were spreading out her visits as we live nearby but have reverted to safety in numbers as she has started to deny my sister is her child when I’m there by myself. Thank you for your comment
Maybe, as in my schooldays, say that books need to be covered in folded brown paper to protect them
