Should I move mum to another home?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by LOULOU05, Oct 2, 2015.

  1. LOULOU05

    LOULOU05 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015
    My 82 yr old Mum has demetia of mixed aetology, as well as COPD, a heart problem, a skin complaint and very bad arthritis in her spine and hips.

    She was sectioned into care 3 1/2 years ago, as my father was terminally ill and was unable to care for her an longer.

    When Dad passed away in Jan 2013 we left mum where she was - despite a 4-5 hour round trip for both my sister and I to visit, as her friends still visited her. In June last year we moved her as the care home she was in had recieved negative CQC reports, we were equally unahappy with her care, and her freinds no longer visited as she was begining to not know who they were - we therefore felt it would be easier to have her nearer to my sister and I. We chose a home that was exactly half way between the two us, we live 2 hours away from each other, so reduced the travelling time to approx 1 hour each.

    Sadly over the last 16 months, my sister is visting less often as her husband has MS and is deteriorating fast. This means that I now have more pressure to make a many visits as possible as I am effectively the only visitor she gets (there is no other family or friends).

    My dilemma is whether I should disrupt Mum and move her to a home near to me, where I could visit her two or three times a week and bring her to my home occasioanlly. Or should I leave her where she is (which is adequate for her needs and she is settled) and for her to only have visits from me once every 2-3 weeks, when I can at weekends (I work full time in a very demanding job, and live on my own, so weekends are indeed presious to me).

    Mum doesnt remember if I last visited an hour or a month ago, but is overjoyed when I do visit.

    Working on the "best interest" of the person with dementia, what should I do?

    I love all my family very much and just dont know what to do for the best without making myself ill (I had a heart attack 3 weeks before my father died due to the stress of what was happening).

    Any thoughts would be welcomed - even if I may not like them!!!

    Thank you
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    Personally I would leave your mum where she is settled & well cared for & cut your visits to once a week.
  3. Sammyjo1

    Sammyjo1 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2014
    It sounds as if your mum is well settled in the home that she is in and that moving her may cause a lot of disruption.

    If, as you say, your mother is pleased to see you but doesn't really know when you last visited, then I'm wondering whether there really is a need for you to visit more often now that your sister can't see her as much. Have you discussed this with the care home to check how your mother is between your visits?
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Are you happy with this care home? Sounds like a perfectly good one and importantly she is settled. Don't forget she is not alone there, other residents, staff and maybe social activity. Feel fairly sure that she is not sitting at a window looking/waiting for your visits. I bet your mother goes to bed each night having had a full day, whether she remembers it or not. Don't punish yourself for thinking about cutting back your visits, also remember that it is best for your sister too, in her position with the possibility of unscheduled visits, an hour away for her is better than 2.
  5. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015


    I can't really offer help but wanted to say I know how hard it must be for you I'm as bad at knowing what to do so tend to read people's replies for advice to myself.

    When I visit Mam in her care home, when I go to the loo and go back to see her she can't remember I came visiting and went to the loo and thinks I've just turned up so it sounds like your Mum:)

    It is hard when you are the only visitor though.

  6. LOULOU05

    LOULOU05 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015
    Thank you always so difficult to know what to do. Some very valid points given, and this has helped me see things more clearly. :)
  7. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    #7 TinaT, Oct 2, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2015
    As others have said it is indeed a very difficult question. Do you move mum at this stage in her life from what you consider to be a settled place where she is comfortable?

    If you keep mum in the current home will you be near enough to visit possibly two times each week or try to share the twice a week with another family member not as badly placed as your sister is at present? Although mum may be settled there it is important that you are able to visit and keep your eye both on mum and the care she is getting at the home.

    Best wishes TinaT
  8. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I agree that if the care is good it is a good place to be. I agree even more that someone needs to keep an eye on her care at least once a week - her needs will change sometimes faster than others and you need to be in the mix making sure the care home is up to speed with those changes and it is equally important that even tho your mum feels loved and connected and still part of the family

    To be honest it sounds to me as though you are feeling closer to you would be best and if that meant more visits you could make i would be inclined to agree with you - not least because it would reduce your stress levels which have probably been raised with all the juggling.

    The first place to start would be to see if there is a decent home near to you - if you hate them all then your soul searching doesn't even need to begin. Perhaps you could do a little look see and find out :) Good luck with this one. Do stay connected with us all no matter what you decide. Sometimes just talking helps :)
  9. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    Moving Homes.

    We had to move my Mum twice for very good reasons. Nobody anticipates this at the beginning, but as others have said, needs can and do change. Knowing what I do, I'd consider it if you can find somewhere similar much nearer to you. AD is a downward spiral, sadly and when she inevitably gets worse, you will be on hand and glad you did it.
    It is said that even though the person may not remember, visits can leave them with a good feeling. An easier time for you is important too.
  10. LOULOU05

    LOULOU05 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

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