should I move mum nearer me - dilemma

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by leslyz, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
    Hi,
    sorry this is a bit long but I'm struggling with the dilemma of where my mum should be. She lives 3 hours away and is currently in respite in a care home after having a very bad fall in Feb. she was living at home fairly independently before that, mobility was ok but now she's using a frame and it 'aint gonna get any better they say ><. The combination of this and the alzheimer's progression means she needs more care. Home and 24 hour care has now been ruled out.

    Where she is, she's bored and there's been a few issues at the home and social worker raising a safeguarding etc so I need to move her somewhere permanently. I've been considering bringing her down here to London as it would be easier in the long term from my point of view, less stress etc but the cost is phenomenally more than where she is now.

    Aside from the obvious financial issues,I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing and if I should be moving her away from where she's lived for 50 odd years??? It doesn't seem like any of her friends visit now but I'm worried in case it could it make her worse moving her to an unfamiliar area or if she'd hate it cos the people aren't the same or something, its just so hard ??? also, weighing up the benefits of being nearer me, with the distress of the actual journey in a vehicle for 2-3 hours as well.. I know the illness will progress and in the end it wont matter where she is but its about wanting more of a quality of life for her for as long as poss and where she is now that just isn't possible. Ultimately I know a move of any kind will be a disruption but its so difficult to weigh it all up. I have to move her anyway and I've visited 2 places up there and 3 down here. If I leave her there I can't just pop in at a moment's notice but if I move her and its a mistake ... - what then???. Unfortunately there's just "lil ol me" sorting this out, no other family or other half to lean on. On top of all that am trying to get to find all her finances and get a certified copy of her POA for the money management company and we don't yet have a solicitor.

    my head is so full, I'd really appreciate any thoughts, I know its up to me in the end and only me but at the mo, I feel the pressure of needing to do something yet overwhelmed with all the options.

    thanks to this site and the help it provides. I really appreciate just having a place to put my thoguhts down even. There - even that has been cathartic.
     
  2. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    407
    Bedford
    I have decided to bring my Mum down to a care home near me rather than the area she currently lives in. She has 2 good neighbours where she lives (on her own)1 friend who is dependent on her daughter to bring her to see Mum. Otherwise Mum has ‘survived’ all of her other friends so is now quite isolated. Reading the experiences of others on here when a PWD goes into a Care Home there still appears to be a lot to deal with even in the most fantastic of places so being nearer to me makes sense. It will also mean visiting her will be so much better as I will be able to pop in and see her for an hour here and there rather than have to plan major visit and find as time goes on anything but a short visit will make her tired. Hope that make sense. Fortunately I am out of London but understand what you mean about costs. For me the difference between Hertfordshire and Bedfordshire costs makes quite a difference. Wish you all the best and I am sure others on here will provide better advice
     
  3. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,612
    When Dad died Mum was in a care home for respite care as the Social worker wouldn't allow her to go home as I lived three and a half hours drive away. My husband and I visited 12 care homes near to us and found one we thought was suitable. We arranged everything and brought Mum down. She complained all the way down, threatening to get out the car as someone would pick her up and take her back! They were very welcoming at the Care home and had made her cakes as a welcome but she was having none of it insisting that I took her back . Everything about the Care home was wrong. We would have had to get a Dr and sedation to get her to stay! I rang the original care home and luckily her room was still available so we drove back ....another 3 and a half hours. When we got there they had kept the seat near her new friends free for her and had a lovely tea for her ...and for us ...the manager said we'd had a dreadful day so we also got tea and cake. So we travel up to see her everyother weekend. It was not the solution I wanted but It was the best solution for my Mum.
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,795
    Female
    It will make no difference to your mother where the care home is. I moved my mother from London where she had lived all her life, to a care home near me (about the same distance as you're contemplating). My mother has no idea of geography any longer, the care home is her world and she's content there. It is a lot easier having her nearby rather than trying to fire-fight issues from a long distance away.

    But you have to balance that against cost. Care home rooms are cheaper near me so moving my mother was a very easy decision from that point of view. How much cost matters to you depends on what the differential is and whether your mother is likely to outlive her funds. If possible you want to avoid her running out of money and needing an LA placement. Costs do vary though even within one area - my mother's room is £800 pw but other CHs nearby charge £1200.

    If you aren't already claiming full Attendance Allowance do that as soon as possible, it will help towards the costs.
     
  5. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79

    Thank you Serena this is helpful. It will probably come down to weighing up the costs and praying the funds last long enough. Similar situation to you, care homes in mums area are around £880 but down here about 1,500. That was quite a shock.
    Appreciate your support. Thanks again
     
  6. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
     
  7. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
    Thanks for replies, great to have all these viewpoints it helps tho Susan's experience sounds an absolute nightmare. Thank goodness they took her back. Where mum is now is basic - a bit rough round the edges I guess and there have been a few issues so I'm moving her anyway but definitely don't want to cause her unnecessary stress. It's not an easy 1.
    Thanks for the reminder about attendance allowance and for sharing your experiences Susan, Sirena and Bikerbeth.
     
  8. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    407
    Bedford
    Please let us know how you get on
     
  9. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,612
    Yes please let us know. I suppose Mum just felt so out of her comfort zone. At the home near us everyone sounded different. In the local Lancashire home everyone sounds and looks like my Mum so it's easier for her. And after all it's all about my Mum feeling settled. She's 95.
    Best wishes Susan
     
  10. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,128
    Toronto, Canada
    One piece of advice I was given by Mum's consultant was to only move her once. This I did but she subsequently was in 3 different rooms in the nursing home - very long story. Still, I think it best if you take your time to think things over carefully.

    Personally, if it were my mother, I would move her closer to me. That's what I did with mine, although it was at the beginning of her illness and I moved her from British Columbia to Ontario - about 3,000 miles!
     
  11. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
    Yes it's thrown up such lot for me all this. I am having some doubts about moving her down here, a few people have pointed out the difference in people from midlands and London would she feel like poor Susan's mum did and too much out of her comfort zone. I absolutely cannot get this wrong and know it has to be 1 move only.
    At the end of the day obviously I just want what's best for her. Another spanner in the works is that she's been losing a lot of weight and all this is now being investigated so I'm nervous about disrupting any of these processes plus she's awaiting a long overdue cataract op.
    I know 1 thing it's too much at the mo so have decided to give myself weekend off its just all been too stressful and I realise I need to get the balance and take my time with this decision. In the end it might all boil down to finances anyway sadly.
    Thanks so much everyone. Greatly appreciate advice and comments.
     
  12. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,612
    I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make your life more difficult. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for your mum.
    Best wishes
    Susan
     
  13. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,795
    Female
    I can understand why you are having difficulty making this decision - my mother was moving from one part of the south east to another so she would not have noticed any difference in accents or behaviour of the carers. Although actually some of the carers are from overseas, which could be the case anywhere. However if my mother's care had been less expensive where she lived, I may not have moved her to my area.

    But please don't think you have to make the right decision now and forever. That puts far too much pressure on you. If you move her somewhere and after giving a good shot she can't settle, it will be fine to move her somewherelse. Nothing about this illness and what we have to do is ideal. Don't think you have to the perfect decision, just do you best.
     
  14. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
    Hi susan
    Please don't think you've done anything of the sort. It really helps to have this support. These are concerns I had anyway so it's just about weighing it all up. I really appreciate hearing your experiences, just want to be aware as much as poss and weigh it all up. I'm doing this on my own so hearing other people's stories really helps. Honest
     
  15. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
    Thank you for kind comments, it helps to hear your experiences. It's a tough 1 and I'm going to take my time. I really appreciate you helping it's hard doing this on my own and I do want to try and get it right, well the best I can I suppose.
     

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