6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    Mum has been in care home for two weeks now, her progress is amazing, much calmer and able to think and communicate a lot better, she has her not so good days where memory is not so good but she is consumed with the cost of the care home, although like everyone, wants to be in her own home, and every daily visit we go through the same scenario, I know she probably doesn't realise we are talking about it every day but it's really beginning to get us down, the main reason she is there is because she was frightened at home, the long periods between care calls etc and she admits she is comfortable there and well looked after. She won't have 24/7 care, which is just as expensive as care home because she doesn't want someone there with her all the time that she doesn't know, so we can't win. I am now considering giving up work and looking after her at home, she would pay me, which would be much much cheaper than where she is now and I wouldn't need to be there every hour of the day as we would keep carers because at weekends we like to go to our caravan, which is only 20mins away from mum anyway because of the need to get back to her in the past at short notice.

    I'm just not sure it's the right move, should we persevere and try and keep her where she is in the care home where we all know she is safe?
  2. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    I think your first line sums up why your mum would be happier and safer staying in the care home. Your mum will always have something to fixate on - at the moment it is the cost of the care home. If she were at home with you it would be something else.

    While your mum is well looked after by carers who are fresh and rested each shift, it means you continue to live your life knowing she is safe.

    You are also able to maintain the mother/child relationship and do fun things with her rather than her becoming your "patient" to look after.

    There is no right and wrong answer, and you clearly love your mum. However if you and your husband like going away for weekends away, you might very soon find that you could no longer get away so easily as your mum becomes more and more dependent.

    You need to consider your husband and your marriage in this equation too.

    Good luck with your deliberations.
    J x

    6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    Thank you x
  4. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    We had a caravan a bit further away i.e 40 mins!:rolleyes: We had to sell it because it was costing us £1500 a year and we used it three weekends it our last year of ownership....because Mum needed me. I loved my van....OH loved my van....The dog loved the van.....but Mum needed me.
    Mum went into a care home....but she still needed me. I could not and would not entertain the idea of having her live with us. I really had to have somewhere where she was not omnipresent in body as well as in spirit.:rolleyes:
    Eventually she came to accept the the CH was home and she actually said she was" home". She still talked about being at her home, going out shopping, changing the bed, doing the laundry.... even defrosting the freezer.......all the things she used to do but had not done for 3 years plus in some cases. There were times, even when she was in her last days, that she believed she was fit and could go to the supermarket alone.

    It's nearly a year since Mum died, and I still find myself planning things to do with and for her. The strain of being a carer has burned itself deep into my psyche. I go into M&S and I want to buy her a new dinner or say look Mum, I bought some trousers in the sale for you....... I still can't stop myself from looking for clothing bargains for her.

    Your Mum had only been in tthe CH for a short while. Give it and her time. You have a life with your OH to cling on too. If she comes to live with you, you will lose your privacy, your closeness, your space, your time. I would drop your daily visits down to two or three times a week maximum, and let Mum start to spend time with others in the CH. When you are with her, you are reminding her constantly of things she has lost.
    Good Luck, Maureen.
  5. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    eastern USA
    There are sort of two questions here, one related to your giving up work, and the other related to whether your mother would be better off in a care home.

    When my mother moved in, we floated the idea of my giving up work, but I decided I love my work, and it should not come down to my work or my mother. So I retain my job, though currently I am on leave for a long-term project. I miss the hubbub of getting up and out of the house. I miss getting out of the house, period! Though we have caregivers in, and I can leave, it's usually to go do the shopping or something else for the household.

    In my case, then, not giving up work was the right thing to do. My mother, like yours, complained about having "strangers" in the home, but she got used to it. She was somewhat uncooperative with the first caregiver, but after awhile (and with my bringing the caregiver's name into the conversation when she wasn't here), she really liked her and looked forward to having her.

    Taking your mother home to her home and having daily caregivers, in other words, might be a way to go. I think you'll find you are over there more than you imagine, however, as the months and years go on.

    The thing is - you say your mother improved immensely, and it seems that ought to be taken into consideration. If there are sufficient funds (do plan for the longer haul rather than the shorter one), then the care home sounds like the right place. She has adjusted.

    If the funds are perhaps insufficient or less than you'd like, perhaps bring her home for a brief spell - 6 months or so, with carers (you keeping your job) - just to see what happens. I have to say that the constant moving to and fro might set off a whole other set of problems, but if you are considering it, it is your decision.

    Thinking aloud here. Don't know if any of it helps.
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    My brief answer is NO
    As jasmineflower says look at the evidence
    Please remember why you made the tough decision that it's time for your mum to be in the care home.
    You say yourself that she is safe now and comfortable and cared for, and you have your life back - so both of you benefit.
    My suggestion for the conversations about money etc - to be blunt, don't engage in them. Find a mantra that you can repeat to your mum that appears to answer her - eg the bills are taken care of, the doctor says you are best here (add for a while if necessary) - then distract her away from the subject. It's not doing either of you any good discussing it - and to be honest. the discussion isn't real, especially on your mum's side.
    I've found with dad that it made him more anxious if I engaged in his 'worries' (I'm not dismissing them; he's worried and fearful and anxious because he has dementia and he knows something isn't right so he fixes on a subject that must be the cause of his feeling wrong) - so I make a non committal response, sound calm and in control, and distract (for him a choccy biscuit works well)
    Best wishes
  7. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    I think almost every dementia patient says almost every day that they want to go home, even ones living in their own home. I have highlighted the phrases in your post which you should really take notice of. So many of us have had to put our partners or parents in care homes with much more stress simply because we could no longer cope. Its great that she has settled so well already. If you read other threads you will see that people have different strategies for coping with the "going home" syndrome, saying that its a holiday for her till she's feeling better, or the boiler has broken and it has to be mended, or just tell her its doctors orders. She was frightened at home and home to her now is somewhere in her head where she felt safe and secure before she got dementia.

    I would persevere with the care home for a few more weeks at least, as she seems to like it so much and take her out now and then to give her something to look forward to. Re-assess the situation after that and try and use compassionate communication (link below) to distract her from talking about going home.


    If in spite of this you still want to try having her at home with you, she might be ok with going to a day care centre, as she seems such nice lady, and it would mean that you could still have time for yourself. Just be aware that dementia can only get worse and also you would probably get the "going home" syndrome even if she lived with you
  8. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Two weeks is no time at all for her to adapt. You need to give it months. Remember she could deteriorate suddenly as well and your respite will be out of the window.

    6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    Thanks all for your thoughts, took Mum out this afternoon for a hospital appointment and she isn't stronger enough for me to even consider her going home, so like you all suggest, we will distract her each time she mentions money and paying for her care and try and drop the visits down, the latter may not be that easy in the short term x
  10. SueShell

    SueShell Registered User

    Sep 13, 2012
    I packed up work to care for my Mum which financially shot myself in the foot! Don't give up work. Not only will SS look more favourably if you are still working, you need an outlet apart from the caring role or youll find you spend more and more time with your Mum. Is your Mum a larger lady because when my Mum used to want to go home I used to tell her SS won't let her go home until she'd put some more weight on. I used to say this for months until she never asked to go home anymore.
  11. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    I would politely refer you to the thread posted by Lisa74 'Do not consider taking a relative' . . . etc. We know that everyone is different, but Lisa's view could be shared by many when the going gets tough.

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