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Should I Care for her full time

PatRayH

Registered User
Aug 16, 2021
110
0
I woke this morning with an overwhelming desire to look after mum full time. You see I am looking for work at the moment and I just cannot concentrate on it. I feel so scared inside with this overwhelming desire just to go look after her. My mind is just not on the daily mental grind of trying to be positive looking for work while worried about mum, I know I am going into a depression, what employer needs that. This is a occurrence of the black dog.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
315
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If you want to look after her, then look after her but don't feel bad if it becomes too much for one person. It sounds to me like you have lost control over certain aspects of your life (job, mother) and you want to take back that control. If looking after your mother brings you peace then I say go for it.
 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
176
0
I woke this morning with an overwhelming desire to look after mum full time. You see I am looking for work at the moment and I just cannot concentrate on it. I feel so scared inside with this overwhelming desire just to go look after her. My mind is just not on the daily mental grind of trying to be positive looking for work while worried about mum, I know I am going into a depression, what employer needs that. This is a occurrence of the black dog.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. I am in my forties, I lost my job and, instead of getting out there and finding another, I put all my energy into looking after my newly diagnosed mother. I think it was a kind of coping strategy both because of losing my job and because mum was only newly diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I ended up on antidepressants from the gp, who also put me in contact with a service called iTalk which have been fantastic (you can self refer online if you’re interested).

Can I ask, Do you live with your mum? Do you have a family of your own? Or siblings? Does your mother own her own home? How old are you? These are all things you need to think about (plus your financial situation) before making firm plans. You can get Attendance Allowance for your mum and Carers Allowance for you if you decide to go for that.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,888
0
Hi @PatRayH, I usually think moving in to care for a parent with dementia is a bad idea, as it means that you take yourself out of the job market and the challenges that looking after someone with dementia are many. In most case there comes a time when full time care is needed, and when that happens you could end up finding it more difficult to get back into work.
However I can see your worry about your mother has got you well and truly stuck. Is there anyway you could go and stay for a month, just to see if it would work out?
 

PatRayH

Registered User
Aug 16, 2021
110
0
At the moment she seems to respond better when I stay there for a long weekend. I have a real feeling she is being let down by the local services. I just feel deep down as a son that I should be there to help and protect her and I would be able to get the proper help and support she deserves. I dont know if this is a normal feeling that most sons have but it really is affecting my thoughts. Employers dont want people who have depression, despite what they say.
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
81
0
Hi patrayH, I totally understand how you feel, I moved in with mum last year, she was in a care home for 6 months and I just wanted to get her home, it was totally my desicion, local authority wanted her to stay.
What I was totally unprepared for was the incontinence, she was not incontinent when she went in the home ( her problem was mainly wandering) But she was incontinent when she came home and that is very hard to deal with, plus the loss of my freedom, but will keep going.
 

PatRayH

Registered User
Aug 16, 2021
110
0
Its a difficult one. My mum is still very mobile thankfully. But organising transportation to get her anywhere seems almost impossible as every service is so fractured and disconnected. Easier when you are in the same place I am sure.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,888
0
My brother in law cared for his mother for twelve years. He didn’t live with her but as he lived and worked in the same village he was able to pop in to and from work as well as at various other times. He did all the managing of the house and took on more and more as his mother declined. He was fiercely set against having carers in, but when his mum became incontinent it became essential. However after a few months it was obvious she needed 24 hour care and she’s now in a home.
My mother in law was very easy to look after, unlike my mum, but even so there comes a time when a full time team is needed.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,071
0
South coast
At the moment she seems to respond better when I stay there for a long weekend. I have a real feeling she is being let down by the local services. I just feel deep down as a son that I should be there to help and protect her and I would be able to get the proper help and support she deserves. I dont know if this is a normal feeling that most sons have but it really is affecting my thoughts. Employers dont want people who have depression, despite what they say.
Yes, I think this is a natural feeling and I can understand that at the moment, caring full time seems like an obvious choice, but beware - caring is like an elephant trap, easy to slide into and difficult to get out of.

I dont know how much care your mum needs at the moment, but remember that it will inevitably increase. How do you feel about washing and dressing your mum? Dealing with incontinence? How will you cope when she gets to the stage of needing you in eye shot 24/7 and you cannot leave her at all, not even for a minute? What about when she is up all night, night after night and you get almost no sleep? Or she doesnt know who you are or where she is and thinks that a strange man has abducted her? Even the best of us find the relentless grind of looking after someone with dementia day after groundhog day stressful, isolating and often leading to depression (Ive already reached burn out once). Then when you feel desperate, that you cant take any more and contact Social Services they will ask your mum if she wants carers/day care/sitters/respite/care home (what ever it is that you need) and if (as is usually the case) she says no, then you will just be left to get on with it. Be aware that this can go on for years.

Also you have to think about what happens when your caring role comes to an end. At that point your carers allowance will end and you will be expected to find work. No matter that you are grieving, coming to terms with everything and are burnt out, let alone that you are however many years further on with no work experience - except maybe caring and I would find that too close to home.

Then there is the question of accommodation. Do you intend to live with her? If so (and I guess from your posts that you do) then you will have to think about what happens when she is no longer living there. Very few people manage to look after their relative right up to the end - dementia will take all that you have and still want more, so eventually it takes a whole team of people to look after them, not just one frazzled, sleep deprived carer - so you must seriously consider the strong possibility of a care home at this stage. Does your mum own her own home? If so, then unless you are over 60 years old and/or disabled then her home will have to be used to pay for the care home fees and you will have to look for somewhere else. If she is renting, would you be able to take over the tenancy?

Finally, do you have POA for Finances and also POA for Health and Welfare? Without these it can become very difficult to care for your mum.

Im sorry that there are so many questions here and no answers, but I think its important that you think about what is involved before you start and if you go on with it, you go in with your eyes open and not with some romantic idea of saving and protecting your mum (laudable though this is). Caring for someone with dementia is not the easy option - it is tough and seldom pretty.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
152
0
@PatRayH I’m in a similar dilemma to you, except that I’m not depressed (miserable but not clinically depressed). I might be projecting here and have it totally wrong, but are you feeling like you and your Mum need each other right now? Do you think if you don’t have the constant anxiety and worry of what’s happening to her whilst you’re miles away, your depression will diminish? It might well happen like that, but it could also go the other way and the stress of being a 24/7 live-in carer makes you feel even worse.

Don’t do anything hasty, but you know your Mum and yourself (and your relationship) better than anybody else and if you think it could work, then maybe it will. Other people have done it. The first book I read about dementia was The Little Girl in the Radiator, written by a son who moved in with his Mum. She did eventually need a care home, but they muddled along together for a good while before that. Whatever you decide, I wish you both luck 🍀 xx
 

PatRayH

Registered User
Aug 16, 2021
110
0
If you are going into a depression, do you think you can cope with being a full time carer ?
I know what you mean, but I am trying all I can to stop that happening...that includes posting here. Apparently depression is no excuse not to work according to the government.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
I know what you mean, but I am trying all I can to stop that happening...that includes posting here. Apparently depression is no excuse not to work according to the government.
Caring for your mum might give you a new sense of purpose, but don't forget how demanding it is. I know what you mean re depression.
It is a disease like any other, but unfortunately it is seldom recognised. Take care of yourself and your health @PatRayH
 

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
96
0
Hi, @PatRayH. To be honest, you sound as if you are too unwell to fully commit to entering the job market right now. So if you feel that looking after your mum is your main imperative and you can find a way to make that work economically for the both of you, then I would say give it a try. The very knowledgeable and kindly people on this forum have and will give advice (accurate) based on their experience of the long view with dementia. But you’re not there yet and maybe it’s all a bit much to take on board. So, do your best for your mum as long as you can, but be aware that it won’t last forever and lots of rethinks will be needed along the way. In the meantime, everyone here will be ready to listen and provide support.
 

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