Should I ask my gran to move in with me?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by river_, Dec 8, 2007.

  1. river_

    river_ Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    I'm a student nurse with five years experience caring for elderly people.

    My gran has emphysema and bronchitis (degenerative lung diseases), previous heart attack and vascular dementia.
    She does forget to take meds, sleeps in the chair sometimes, wears dirty clothes cus she thinks there clean, gets mixed up about who said and did what. She has started to say the wrong words sometimes.. I'm not sure if this is early or mid stage dementia.

    She lives alone in the house she bought with my grandad. It has stairs but she can manage them at the moment if she takes her time. She has a carer who comes in at 9am ish but she usually dosnt want help with her shower, she does it herself or skips it. She has a tea time carer but she makes dinner before they come. This is when she dosent have a chest infection, they really knock her off.

    I think she should have a carer at 7.00 to prompt her to take her meds and shower, one at 12.00 to make her lunch, one at 18.00 to prompt her to take her meds and cook and one at 23.00 to prompt her to take her meds and go to bed. She hates the carers coming and dosent think she needs them so its struggle to support her and with me and mum being so far away (5-6 hours drive) it's hard to judge.

    Also she dosent cope with bills and stuff, my mum does that now but still needs to get some things signed over to her name cus the electric company ect wont discuss my grans account with mum.

    I'm quite patient with her, her questions and confusion dosnet get to me much, the thing that annoys me most is her changing the channel when I'm watching something and she has forgotten it's the program I wanted to watch grrr! headbonk.gif

    My mum cant cope with her for long, she tires easily after a brain haemorrhage, her and her partner really need to get away and get on with their lives.

    Mum has been feeling more recently that she could just give it all up and put my gran in a home. My uncle causes trouble with it all and mum bears the most emotionally as she takes the most phone calls from my gran.

    I wish I could be more help. I wish my gran would be accepting of help. She dosnt want to move out of her house but I would love her to move to my area so I could support her.
    I'm thinking maybe the best way might be to ask her to move in with me.

    I have a two bedroom flat and I live mostly in the kitchen, living room and bathroom. She could have my bedroom which is big enough for a double bed and bedroom furniture. She could also use the other spare room as her living room and come to "my end" of the house to cook.

    Carers could come into my house and if need be do sleepovers or night shifts (so I could have the night off)

    So fors:

    Shes my gran and I love her
    I couldnt stand to put her in a home although a small scheme might be ok but they are hard to get and I worry that by the time we have got to the putting her in care stage it will be rushed and we will have to take what we can get.
    She would have time to settle in to my house before her dementia advances
    Everything is on one floor here
    I would get an allowance and I might get money from my family/grans estate, I ******* hope so tbh!
    I could look after her better than someone who dosent know her
    I have enjoyed looking after my rats, they have been very therapeutic, I think the responsibility of looking after another life(s) spurred me to look after myself.
    It's always nice to get a hug from my gran and she is great to chat to wub.gif
    She might be happier with company

    She dosnt know I smoke
    She dosnt know I date women
    I might get stressed or depressed having her here all the time (though my mum could take her for a week at a time every month or so)
    I'm very untidy
    She might feel she has lost more independence

    This looks long so if your still with me thank you
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear River,
    As much as you love your Nan and this is the hard part, you still have a life. Caring for someone 24/7 and being completely honest is hell. Even with people coming in to help it is not easy. Would your Nan settle in? There will come a day and I know it is hard that for her to receive the care be better off in a Nursing Home. This is only my personal views as my husband was diagnoised at 58 and at the age of 61 was placed by Consultant in an E.M.I. Unit. Do you have a Social Worker for your Nan ? The local Alzheimer's Branch, Help the Age, Age Concern and the Princess Royal Trust. It is a big step to go down. I wish you the very best. christine
  3. cariad

    cariad Registered User

    Sep 29, 2007
    Hi, before you make any decisions why not try having your Nan live with you for a week? I don't think anything can prepare you for being a carer (it's a different ball game when you are emotionally involved). I think it's fantastic that you are thinking about having her to come and live with you but it's a HUGE challenge. Try it for a week and see how that compares with your expectations. Good luck whatever you decide.
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Serious reservations

    Cariad, you took the words off my keyboard before I could type them!

    River, your intentions are good & noble, and I'm not discounting your professional experience, BUT ... having a dementia sufferer living with you is a whole different ball game.

    Believe me, you will discover many more than ONE
    The other thing which sprang to mind was "And what about your future and career?"

    She would still have to move out of her house and away from everyone she knows.

    Only my opinion, but wouldn't it be more practical to help your mother negotiate this kind of care package where she is now?

    I'm sorry, but I think you need to give this idea further thought to take in other family members' views. I hope that you (as a family) can find a solution to meet everyone's needs.

    Best wishes
  5. river_

    river_ Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    #5 river_, Dec 9, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2008
    Thanks folks :)

    Why would I want her to move out of her familiar environment?
    To take control I guess, my uncle dips in and out of the situation scolding my gran for forgetting things and upsetting my mum.
    My gran isnt accepting of the care that comes in, she would have more but she wont allow it, she dosent see any need for it of course :rolleyes:
    If she was in my house it would be my rules. She would not be able to sack the cleaner or the meals on wheels cus I would employ them.

    She would only be 2 hours from mum rather than 6.

    The bottom line is I want to prevent her going into a nursing home and while things are in my uncles hands to a certain extent that is possible. I cannot imagine him taking the time to find a small community project or adapt the house to meet her needs. He would put her in the first cheap nursing home that social work suggest and look forward to selling her house to pay off his debts.

    I think the trial period is a very good idea, she wont travel up to Scotland until the spring, I can get the rooms ready for her before then and try it out.

    She dosent have a social worker, I have called to discuss her case and after much messing about got to speak to the duty social worker. She had a health visitor but I dont know where she has got to, she should have a respiratory nurse but they only put them out in dire situations (so much for prevention), she has a district nurse but after she did a pad assessment she hasnt been round much, I think she came to do routine bloods at some point.

    Having been on community placement in ********** I'm shocked by the lack of support in her area.

    Hmm I'm just ranting now!
  6. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Rant away River ..

    You'll see a lot of it here! Just to wish you well, whatever you can arrange.
    Don't bet on that!! That generation (of which my own Mum is one) were made of very special stuff, which was then further toughened in the fires & challenges of WW2.
  7. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm really sorry because I know this is going to sound flippant, but you wish! I'm very much afraid you have NO IDEA just how difficult it can be to get an unwilling particpant to cooperate with carers. You think she won't sack the cleaner if she wants to? All I can say is HA!

    Now that he won't be able to do (divert funds for his own use). Social services take a very dim (some would say vindictive and draconian) view of "care fee avoidance".

    I'm sorry - I think your heart's in the right place, but I also don't think you have any idea about what you're letting yourself in for. I very much wish for your Grandmother's sake that you could swing this and I think it's admirable that you're prepared to try, but that thought is uppermost in my mind.
  8. river_

    river_ Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    Ugh *sigh* I don't know what to do to make it better. We can't go on like this. My uncle has put another spanner in the family works tonight.
    I think I need to start by putting him in a jiffy bag and posting him with out a return address :mad:
  9. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm afraid to say, River, that there are a lot of people here who would happily parcel up some of their relatives and mail them a long, long way away.
  10. river_

    river_ Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    #10 river_, Dec 17, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2007
    I emailed my gran, I think it has been offline so hopefully she will get it now. I think she will be shaken by it but who would not be.


    "Mum said your email had been broken so here is attempt number two for this one, fingers crossed, silly computers!
    xxx> wrote:

    Hello there, hope your well. Looking forward to coming down at
    Christmas and I have new year off so I'm going to jkgjkgjkgjg to
    try not to get in to trouble!

    I'm sure you have thoughts about your future and I just wanted to ask
    about them.
    Working in different care settings I look at them and wonder what
    would suit you should you need more help. What would you like ect.

    Would you want to be cared for at home? It is workable with some
    alterations weather to accommodate a physical or memory and
    orientation change in you. The value of the house and it's contents
    means you have a good reserve for rainy days as Granddad called them.
    You could have carers and nurses in as you needed them for a long
    while plus there would be some support from NHS and social services.

    Would you want to live with one of us? Probably I would be best as I
    have plenty of experience with physical and memory problems and my
    flat is warm and on the ground floor. There are two rooms unused that
    would turn into a bed room and living room/kitchenette for you and
    again you could have help coming in. Do you think we would live well
    together? I'm sure our relationship would change. I have thought about
    moving to your house but I dont think I could cope with leaving my
    life in ashlahf, I'm sure you have similar feelings about the thought
    of leaving your home, you have been there much longer. If we could
    just shorten the distance between you, mum and me.. hehe. wishing
    hasnt worked so far!

    You could live in a small community project like the ones I work in,
    you have said they sounded like something you would choose should the
    time come. In my opinion a small unit is best for institutional care.
    With low numbers (8 in the case of the place I am in at the moment)
    there is a family atmosphere and there are fewer staff. Lower resident
    and staff numbers make person centered care (care planned around the
    individual) easier, the ideal I'm sure you would agree. We have just
    had our xmas party and I have to say it highlighted what a nice place
    it is.

    There is also nursing home care, there are some good homes with good
    nurses and carers out there. There is the chance of meeting more
    people as the the numbers are higher and they can have large scale
    activities on and staff dedicated to organising them.

    It's a lot I now, you must be stressed. If you would like any more
    information let me know. If you would like a chat or to vent about
    things I'm here too. Have I given you my new number? 055679965456789 I
    can call you from it for free.

    Let me know if you want me to forward this to mum so you can discuss it.

    I want to help where ever I can, I hope I do.

    Love and hugs
    River xxx"

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