Amy said:
And as I sat there I wondered, can mum see us, is she with us, is she smiling to see us sitting there in a row, waiting expectantly? Or is she simply gone? Not forgotten, but not yet remembered. Do we just move on, as though the past month has never happened - but now there is no need to go to the Nursing Home.
Dear Helen, I'm sure your mum was with you last night. Whether or not you believe in and afterlife, your mum was there in your heart, because you were thinking of her.
No, you can't just move on. The pasr month has happened, and there were so many emotions in that month, some of which you shared with us. It's no wonder you don't know how you feel. All those emotions are still churning in your head, and only time will sort them out, and allow live with the love you shared.
As the curtains closed at the cremation I thought 'No, I will not let you go'. I look at her picture and I feel nothing.
Helen, you will not let her go. This numbness is nature's protection mechanism, an anti-depressant without the side effects. Feeling will come back, once you are able to cope with it. And be prepared, when the pain returns, it will be intense. It will take a long time to ease.
I dont know what I feel anymore.
Don't worry about it, don't try to force your feelings. They will come back. I'm so pleased you managed to post.
Love and hugs,
PS I looked for shooting stars, but didn't see any. Every time I saw a flash, it turned out to be a plane!