Shocking developments.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by garnuft, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    P rang from work, 11.30 this morning to say Care Connect had contacted him due to an emergency call from his Dad and Mum, emergency buzzer pressed.

    He couldn't leave work, he works 40 mile away anyway, and I have son at home (as usual) through illness (he has a 'bead' in his ear and was due to have another attempted syringe this afternoon.

    Anyway, they attended to the call, to find that my mother-in-law, who is 92 and disabled through arthritis, had been pushed to the floor by Father-law, who is 89 and had mixed dementia.
    They used an inflatable bag to bring her to her feet.
    She said she was ok, shaken up obviously and by the time I got over with son ( pre-lug-hole procedure) pa-in-law was dozing in chair, all forgotten.

    They'd squabbled, not right....MIL had berated him for not going into the bathroom for a wash and a shave and push led to shove!!

    She is rooted to her routine.
    Breakfast 8am.
    Wash etc. 8.30
    Clean bathroom 9.30

    She woke him at 7.45....he didn't want to get up, she made him.

    He dilly-dallied over breakfast...well, I'm sure you can guess the rest.

    P is beside himself with rage and worry. It was his last day at work for a week (he has a weeks holiday booked for next week, son is in respite for 3 nights, P and I are due to go to London for 2 nights on Tuesday, our first break together for 11 years).

    I rang social care direct, FIL HAD a social worker but was signed off as MIL and he decided they didn't need help.

    We decided it wasn't a good idea to regard it as a safeguarding issue (police :eek:) but they have arranged for a carer to come from tomorrow morning, mornings only at the moment but MIL is already saying she doesn't want anyone to come every day.
    I had a LONG, gentle talk with her, I totally understand where she's coming from but with P waiting for news about surgery, what else can we do?

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  2. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Nightmare :eek:, no advice ..sorry , will a huge hug help ?
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    How worrying for you :eek:

    You must go to London though.
  4. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    Something always throws a spanner in the works Gwen. I hope you manage to get your time away, it's little enough.
    You had to put something in place, you've had so much with your mum, you can't do it all. It's so difficult to get someone to change the habits of a life time so I hope your mil will accept the change and things will settle.
    Enjoy your break.
  5. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    So sorry you are having to deal with all this, Gwen. I do hope you and P get away. x
  6. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    What a worrying situation and it sounds as if you have a lot of other things to cope with too. I do hope you are able to get away, a break sounds very high priority!
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Gwen I'm so sorry to read about this development. What a worry for you. I do hope you manage your break in London with P. You both really deserve it.

    My brother is waiting for a similar operation to P. It's a worry too.
  8. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    Thank you all for your responses, P's gone to bed for a nap... He leaves the house at 6.30 every day, today has been a long one.

    He is an only child, something I longed to be all my life as the youngest of six but as with most things in life, there's always a downside.

    Nothing will get in the way of London, 2 first class tickets booked and paid for, apart from death.

    And if it isn't me who died...I is STILL going!

    Thanks again Gwen x

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  9. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I'm an only child, hubby is one of 7. There are advantages and disadvantages to each!
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
  11. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    ...You have no idea how pleased I am to hear this.:D
    Slowly and surely the knot is tightning again.... and I am so sad to hear this!:(

    And tell me bonny lad...nothing bigger than his elbow goes in ears or nostrils...and take a picture if he manages that!!:D:D:D:D:D
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Gwen my stomach turned over when I read your post.

    The actual incident may not be a safeguarding issue but it is borderline . If your in laws are together 24/7 with low level supervision, whether they want more or not, this is a first and possibly a warning.

    I really hope you and P get your break. Nothing is more deserved or more important. What you come home to can be faced in time. Xx
  13. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    I would say quiet definatly this is a safeguarding issue. If I came across this in my work situation I would need to flag it You mention police as if this is a bad thing,not all safeguarding is covered by the police but it would most certainly get more help for your parents. It is what it says , to " keep them safe " .
  14. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    You must look after yourselves too! I learned this the hard way earlier this week. After 4 years plus of supporting, sorting, coping, managing and caring, then all the sadness, worry, upset, fear, anger, heartache, grieving that goes with watching your parents' lives become so miserable, I had a complete meltdown. Long day at work followed by evening meeting ( work), first two messages from distressed Dad, called and my proud Dad crying down the phone that he can't cope any more. I came off phone and fell apart. Straw that broke the camel's back. Totally frightened myself. Couldn't talk myself down, partner and daughter just held me. Didn't sleep a wink, convinced myself I was going to get fired for misunderstanding at meeting (boss laughed it off and totally supportive). Realised I was so busy being superwoman to whole family I hadn't seen the warning signs.

    Conversation today by me and sister with Mum and Dad that they are having outside help or we will start to withdraw. We want to have the time and energy to do the 'good stuff', bring some quality and pleasure back for them. Feels cruel but essential. If we go down, the whole lot will.

    So, Yes, look after yourselves, go on your break and enjoy every moment guilt free!
  15. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Oh Gwen!

    Get off the merry (or not so merry) go round. You have already been round the block, run a marathon and completed a triathlon. STOP now! Ask Peter to tell his parents (especially his Mum) that they HAVE to accept help-and you and P can't call in everyday to help. Does MIL know that P has health problems? Tell her that HE will feel better, not worry etc. if he knows they are being looked after a bit. Difficult I know. Will we all get so stubborn as we age? It seems to be a common observation on this Forum!

    Get yourself down to London and try to enjoy. 11 years without a break together:eek: Crikey my friend, you so deserve those couple of days.


    Lyn T XX
  16. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    You MUST go to London!Your MILs routine sounds very like my mum's,she seemed to have an internal clock with timer for meal times etc.A constant irritation was that my Dad ate too slowly.Seriously.She wanted those dishes washed!She ran her home and life like a military operation.I certainly didn't get that gene,I'm off on holiday today,haven't packed yet and still in bed.Seriously though I hope MIL will accept help,my in laws are now on the dementia road and it doesn't help knowing what's ahead x
  17. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    Oh Gwen how upsetting as if you and P don't have enough to worry about,

    I hope your mam and dad in law can accept help and that you both have a good time when you are in London, You know that your son will be ok,

    Jeany xx
  18. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    Are you all sitty comftybold two-square on your botty? Then I'll begin.

    Carer came 'lovely girl, mid 30s' helped FIL to shower and dress.
    MIL and her decided Pappy only needs a shower every other day but after cajoling from P, she has agreed to let the daily visit continue.

    I've been talking to her about a 'cleaner' ....she's a bit of a snob so likes the idea of having 'staff' they already have a gardener.

    Maureen, that's exactly what my Mam used to say 'don't put anything in your ears smaller than your elbow' the bead is an extra gift from art and craft activities at the day centre, it's a little pink heart'

    Yes Lyn, she knows all about P's heart problems, she adores him...he is adored by both parents, so in a way, his health issues have helped .

    Yes Jeany, I know D will be fine, it makes respite actually feel like respite, he likes this specialised respite...our Sall is going to stay with my's my little darling pooch that I'll fret about.

    Thank you all for your responses, all appreciated. X
    P.S I wish I was in London today, I'd be singing the 'Red Flag' and cheering on Jezza!

    Deep joy!

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  19. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Gwen

    A bit of progress re the Carer-good start:)

    Ha! I see your Daniel has created a new slant on the old sayings of 'heart in mouth' and 'wearing your heart on your sleeve';)

    My joy was deep too! And my cheering was loud:D:):)


    Lyn T XX
  20. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    Sounds like a good start :)

    Is Daniels ear heart free yet?

    Dog will be fine :)

    Have a lovely time xx

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