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Registered User
May 25, 2008
west midlands
ok im in shock, im in so much shock i cant even cry.
i went to see my mom in the home yesterday for the first time. it brought back so many memories of my grandad having alzheimers and now my mom has it its like im being thrown back into it all over again. i mean, shes only 44, she should be having a go at me for not working hard enough, or missing me because i have moved out, i shouldnt have to be wiping her mouth because she cant swallow properly anymore. i keep thinking bout the future, knowing she wont really be in it, wont see her first grandchild, or watch me walk down the aisle. i wont be able to talk to her about womanly worries and laughing about the old times. i miss her so much, so so much.

ok back to reality.....

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Oh Sara, 44 is such a young age to be affected by dementia. And of course that means you are too young too, to have to cope with it.
It really is the most cruel condition.
I wish I could say something to help. I can only offer sympathy.
Love xx


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Dear sara, of course you are in shock.

What you are describing is extremely hard eneough to take in someone who is in the later phase (grandma/grandad) of life,
but your dear mum at 44.........your head must be reeling and your heart breaking.

I don't have words of wisdom to comfort you with, but just to let you know that there are people here who genuinely care.

Please stay with us, share your troubles with us. Let us try to ease the pain.

Questions, we may be able to answer........who knows.? Take care my love, thinking of you, love n'hugs.


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
I have only just read your thread. It is an awful disease at whatever age but my heart goes out for you to have to handle this at such an early age.

In the end we can give sympathy but I only wish I had an answer. I hope you get help and suggestions here on TP - a wonderful site.

Are you and your Mother getting all the support and help from local Social Services, Alz. Society etc.?

Do use them!

Love JaN


Registered User
Sep 16, 2005
Oh Sara, you said it exactly, its been a long time for me, I was about your age when Dad was diagnosed, but had more time before things really got grim and he's older, now 64 (was around 54 when diagnosed), but I think I know exactly how you feel as I too thought things like
i shouldnt have to be wiping her [his] mouth because she [he]cant swallow properly anymore. i keep thinking bout the future, knowing she[he] wont really be in it, wont see her first grandchild [my first child], or watch me walk down the aisle. i wont be able to talk to her [him] about womanly [my] worries and laugh about the old times. i miss her [him] so much, so so much.
And I do still miss him so so much. Shock really is the word for it when this disease gets our parents at a young age (although I am sure it is shocking for anyone) you're just not expecting this decline into what you thought was something that happens to people when they get really old.
From experience I can assure you that you will get tougher, but the pain I'm sorry to say does continue...its just that you get used to it and can handle it better. I believe this disease can make us more caring individuals, make us appreciate the life we have, make us really aware of how precious life is, but it is also a whole lot of pain that we don't deserve and it can rob us of our own youth. I sit here trying to think of what advice to give, and my first thought is 'Run, run away!' but then I think of how glad I am that I got to spend all the time I did with Dad, so I don't think I can give any really good advice except to try to keep your head above water when you feel like you can't take anymore and if you can't at least put your hand up so someone can drag you back up again (maybe you can use TP as your support), and try not to lose too much of your 20s, for your mum would have wanted a brilliant vivacious life for you. Easier said than done though. So I give up on giving advice and instead just know that I am here to pm if you want some understanding at any time.


Registered User
May 12, 2008
South East England
Not really sure if I have anything I can say, other than life is just too cruel and I feel for you watching your own mum deteriorate like this when she should be doing like you say & trying to tell you what to do etc. I lost my dad age 44 to AD when I was 14 so I have been there and it never leaves me. I can't say I miss him as such, gosh I know that sounds awful cause I do, but its wierd as I have now lived over half my life without him iykwim, I miss the life I should have had with him in it. Buying him presents at christmas/birthdays, me graduating, getting married, giving him grandchildren and watching them love him etc. Obviously is hard for anyone with a loved one with AD but dealing with a diagnosis essentially halfway (or less) a life is just not fair. I now live with the fear... will I be next as his mother also died age 46 of dementia, most likely AD but 'back then' it wasn't as readily diagnosed. I have a husband and children and its wreaking me thinking about it.

I hope you have some good support to get through each day and your mum is comfortable in the home.



Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
Hi Salacious.

Your post certainly shocked me into realising that there are people out there who have a lot more to cope with than I.

I can only wish and hope for you that you find the strength to carry on and lay gently aside the things that might and should have been.

Most of us on this site are having to do the same but for you, being so young, it must be very hard indeed.

You have my respect and good wishes.

Debby Short

Registered User
May 29, 2008
Near Heathrow Airport

Just sent you a private message, then read this. this must be so hard for you, having already been through this once.

We are all here to give you support and comfort, when you need it the most.

Read 'Fed up of' on the main board - it won't give you any advice, but it will make you smile.

Sending you lots of support and a shoulder to cry on.


Registered User
Jun 1, 2008
Vermont, US

I'm so sorry that you're having to let go of your mom at such an early age. I wish I could help somehow.
My kids are only eleven and they are also losing their mom to this wretched disease. It is hard enough as an adult partner, I can't imagining being so young and watching a parent go through this.
My only advice to you is to be where your feet are. It is one of the few things that keep from spinning out with sadness, anxiety, and depression. Live in the moment, don't spend too much time looking forward or back. I hope this can help you a bit. Take care, Kelly