1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Sammycat

    Sammycat Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    22
    last night my OH wakened me up by patting my back and saying over and over " shhh. It's ok. It's only me" This happened numerous times. Each time I answered " yes I know. Now go to sleep"
    By 3 o'clock I was ready to snap when I had a light bulb moment. He wasn't reassuring me, he was trying to reassure himself so I held his hand, patted it and said the same words back to him. He was sleeping within two minutes. So sad, my heart is broken.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,677
    Kent
    It is so sad.
     
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    I’m so sorry, @Sammycat
    Sending you a hug
    Lindy xx
     
  4. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,032
    Yes, constant reassurance, you did the right thing by echoing back. By then I do not just mean saying exactly the same words, although sometimes it is. Loving gestures say more than words. This us such a journey for us, isn't it. I feel I am at school, yesterday's lesson for me was Patience, patience and more patience. Watching someone do things with such difficulty where once it would have been second nature. I am still trying to find a missing phone, seldom switched on but put in a pocket it falls out of constantly. The suggestion it is not kept there was met with surprise. It was seen after being out, numbers were being checked, we do not live in a vast mansion. Sometimes I feel the Borrowers have moved in.
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,719
    Female
    Dundee
    It's heartbreaking. Brings back many memories for me.
     
  6. Manc70

    Manc70 Registered User

    May 30, 2018
    119
    Female
    S. Yorkshire
    Hi Sammycat, It certainly is so sad and touching, a lesson for me. After being woken a number of times last night and telling my OH to turn over and try to go back to sleep we finally got up at 5am, when I do know that a comforting arm would have settled him. More and more he is “discombobulated” (his word to describe how he feels) when he wakes in the night until he hears my voice and he then starts to ‘get his thoughts together’. Now he is back in bed tired out and will sleep for a few hours. If only I could stop feeling irritated when he wakes me in the early hours but that’s usually it for me and I lay awake worrying. Best wishes to you and take care
     
  7. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    676
    Female
    Dear @Sammycat
    It is all so heartbreaking...
    So many of us are going through the same sort of thing.
    I try not to bring topics up, because he then just goes over the same thing, constantly. I wish I had more patience, but in the end I snap, then he gets angry, then I get angry, and on it goes.
    Every day I tell myself to try harder, because I love him so much, seeing him like he is breaks my heart, but I still sometimes have a short fuse. Then I’m ashamed of myself. My problem is that I still see him as he was, yes he is much more frail, his mobility and balance are very poor, but I still see him in my mind bouncing along on the deck of a cruise ship visiting a fabulous port of call, or horse riding in the Rockies. It’s all gone, but we have our memories and they are so precious.
    I think you should be very proud of your light bulb moment, at 3am.
    Thinking of you.... Bx
     
  8. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    500
    Scotland
    Well done Sammycat - 3 am is not the easiest time to achieve light bulb moment. Sad but precious moment.

    Lilac x
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,338
    Female
    South coast
    Dont be so hard on yourself @Sad Staffs

    We are none of us perfect - we are people not superman/woman and it is natural to get irritated and snap, even with the best of intentions. Some days I feel I have achieved wonders by simply not murdering OH!!
     
  10. Sammycat

    Sammycat Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    22
    Thank you all so much for replying. I was lucky enough to get to the age of 58 and never knew anyone with dementia. It was a massive bolt from the the blue when I realised what was happening to my husband and a massive shock when I realised I was expected to just get on with it by myself. I have felt so alone and desperate at times. Then I look on TP and see that I'm not alone, everyone on here understands and a lot of people have the same or worse problems as me when I felt like I was the only one. And yes @Sad Staffs and @canary, I am not blessed with too much patience but I now know I can only do my best and I've not committed murder, yet.
     
  11. Sammycat

    Sammycat Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    22
    A bit of advice needed here. I am still managing to work, although I have reduced my hours, carers come in a couple of times a day so my OH is never on his own for long but he has started to say he is lonely. Stopping work is not really an option just now so I thought about day care a couple of times a week. Consulted my friend Google and found two within 12 miles, considering we are quite rural that's good. Both of them do day care for dementia. But what do I do now? Do I just phone them or do I need to go through someone and get a referral. Do I pay this myself or will the LA help pay. I know I need to find out which would be best for him and most likely there will be a waiting list but what else do I need to know or do. Hubby seems quite keen but I sold it to him as a "club"
     
  12. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,538
    Male
    Bristol
    Evening Sammycat. My OH goes to a day centre one day a week and we pay £15 a week for that. I phoned one of the organisers and luckily they had space without a waiting list, so it's always worth asking. I call it a club too, and she plays along with that. Have you had a carers assessment or has your OH had a care needs assessment yet? Social Services may know of other options.
    OH also gets 3 hours befriending from a care agency, which is free as our earnings are below the threshold. They stay in the house eating cake and chatting, or occasionally go out to a garden centre. It was set up after a care needs assessment and may be another option for you.
    Best of luck. R
     
  13. Sammycat

    Sammycat Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    22
    Hi @nae sporran. we have had needs assessments done,after a long wait. That's how we got carers in, because I want to work, but I'm sure he would benefit from more company but I never knew about befriending. Gonna have to consult Google again and look into that coz it's sounds a good option. Thank you
     
  14. cumbria35

    cumbria35 Registered User

    Apr 24, 2017
    59
    I know this feeling so well but try to give a cuddle. It doesn’t always work and sadly it is easy to get frustrated after being wakened several times, last night every two hours, weary today and not finding it easy to have patience.
     
  15. Rosie4u

    Rosie4u Registered User

    Jun 22, 2017
    219
    Female
    South Manchester
    I recognise this - my OH wakes many times and gets quite amorous.Although still in the same bed I personally cannot cope with this when an hour later he won’t know who I am. I think he is like this because he has always felt that this is the way he shows his love for me. I try to be loving and cuddle him, hold his hand but it is difficult in the night.
    Still not sure how to deal with this.
     
  16. Sammycat

    Sammycat Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    22
    Oh the kindness of strangers, it gets me every time.
    Pouring rain, howling wind and I had to go to tesco. Hubby of course
    "needed to come". I had just started to load 3 ton of shopping onto the checkout when he loudly announced he " really really got to sit down" so everything back in the trolley, pushed it to one side, excuse me everyone and took him to sit on provided seats. When I got back to the checkout two total strangers had put my trolley back, told the rest of the queue to wait or move to another checkout and were just finished loading the stuff on the belt. I'm so glad my mum brought my brothers and I up to help anyone where we could, I now realise how even a small kindness can have a massive impact on your day.
     
  17. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,538
    Male
    Bristol
  18. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,212
    Female
    South of the Border
    Lovely story and a little help and kindness go a long long way. We do Tesco shopping too - but do it online. It's so easy and the drivers are really kind. They do not come when I am not here,so OH does not start putting things away - and even gave him a bottle of champagne when he was 70 !
     
  19. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,032
    I shop on line too, the drivers are so helpful. Sometimes they are the only outside people I see, they tell me about their day too. I make sure I am there to put it away too!
     
  20. Sammycat

    Sammycat Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    22
    Here's one for all you first Aiders. Need an emergency sling? Just put a pair of boxer shorts on your head. Your head goes through one leg hole and your arm goes in the other hole. This works especially well at 2.10am when you think your getting ready for work. Top it off with 2 pairs of jogging trousers, one shoe and one of your wife's slippers. I thought I had started hallucinating.
     

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