She's not dead and he's got a girlfriend

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Not withstanding what I feel about the rights and wrongs of this relationship (I wouldn't /couldn't have done it) I'm worried about the intentions of the girlfriend:eek: I hope that she hasn't just latched on to your Dad because she sees a vulnerable man who could perhaps provide for her? It's not at all sensitive of her to be pushing herself forward in this manner.

To be quite honest I would have thought, knowing the situation, she would have just remained in the background as a supportive friend-no more.

I would be a trifle bit worried that your Dad is setting himself up for a fall.

Take care

Lyn T XX
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
Remain true to yourself and to your mother.
Friendship is one thing, as I know that dementia brings loneliness in its wake, but actively seeking a partner is something else.
Your Dad is married and has a wife, your mother.
It matters not how much she can remember or recognise of her family, she remains his wife.
By having a relationship with another it means that his focus on your mother is being diluted despite his regular visits. He may still care but he obviously shares this with this other woman.

I can fully understand that you would feel disloyal to your mother by agreeing to meet her.
I would tell your father that there is a time and place for everything and the time and place for this meeting is in the future.
If she is still around.
Very best wishes - and sympathy. x
 
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snowygirl

Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
151
0
My MIL has a 'companion' who is a married man and whose wife is in late stage Alzheimers. It was quite hard for us to accept that she had taken on a new man in her life after 4 years of being a widow but to try to understand him was at first very hard especially as my parents both have dementia. I could see both points of view but found it hard to understand him and she is only my MIL. My dad has Alzheimers and if my mother was well I think I would find it very hard to accept her having another relationship whilst he was alive. Having said that the man in question seems a lovely genuine person who looked after his wife at home for 5 years and was lonely. The difference here I believe is that he hasn't forced my MIL onto his family and she has only met those who are happy to see her. She keeps her distance(there is a big one between them)and accepts that not all his family accept her. He still sees his wife every day.
 

arightcat

Registered User
Jan 7, 2009
8
0
York
In the same situation

Hi, I came on here looking for something else, but when I saw your post I had to respond. Basically I am in the same situation as you. My mum has early onset dementia, and at 66 is in a specialist nursing home for dementia sufferers with challenging behaviour, she is now at the end stages of dementia and doesn't always know my dad. She doesn't know me when I visit, which isn't that frequent as I live in Yorkshire and they are in the Midlands and I have 2 young children that can't come to visit with me because of the behaviour of mum and other residents basically.

Anyway, my dad has been seeing someone else for about the last 3 years - I'm not sure exactly how long it has been but mum was still at home when the relationship began. I am finding it a complete and utter head scrambler. I am not religious so it isn't about the whole marriage vow thing, but it messes with my head. I don't think what he is doing is necessarily morally wrong, he is only 67 himself so needs and deserves to have a life. The person he married isn't there any more, except in body. He goes to visit mum on alternate days - which can be a trial as sometimes she is pleased to see him, other times she is aggressive and wants him to go away.

So, I have the quandary that I don't think what he is doing is wrong, but because mum is still there it feels wrong. I have met the lady - it was sort of forced on me, although I was willing to meet her, I was rather upset that I was given an hour's notice, and had to meet her when I had my kids (7 and 4) with me, as I wasn't sure how I would react emotionally. This was down to my dad rather than her though. She is very nice and seems very respectful of mum. She is currently living at my dad's house and has sold her flat, but she intends to buy somewhere else, and wants to ensure she has her own place - on that front I believe her. I've now seen her quite a few times, and it is nice to see my dad interacting with someone his own age on an adult-adult level. It was my dad who was the one who wanted me to meet her, as he wanted the relationship to be out in the open and for his friend to not feel ashamed, or worried about seeing people. I've been friendly and welcoming to her, and we seem to get along ok.

However, despite all that, it still messes with my head and feels wrong. I think the issue is that mum was very much a believer in marriage vows and fidelity, and so would be devastated by this if she was still with us mentally. I don't know. Just to say, you're not alone, I'm in this position too, perhaps a bit further down the line, and it is really really hard, but her presence has helped my dad immensely. As you can probably tell I'm all over the place with it though!
 

Padraig

Registered User
Dec 10, 2009
1,037
0
Hereford
This subject and the posts on here confirm for me that it's strange old world and that we, or at least some of us are different.
At no stage during the long period of caring for my late wife I could not, for a moment consider friendship with another woman, never mind think of one. The girl that I married was the one and only one for me.

Now, years after her passing I live alone and though for many days, I don't see or speak to anyone I'm content. For me there is no one that can compare with the girl that was the love of my life. My cup overflows with contentment from so many lasting happy memories.

Never, not even in the end stage when she could no longer speak or move her limbs did consider her 'not there'. So long as she could breath, her spirit was alive I savoured our each last moment together. No permitting strangers to share in her care, she was my girl and I did things my way.
I've never like being told this or that is impossible, it's such a negative approach to life. I rejoice in being different, a misfit. So I see little point in my posting much. Thank God for Daughters.
 

arightcat

Registered User
Jan 7, 2009
8
0
York
How dementia presents

What a beautiful and moving post Padraig - and what an amazing relationship you had with your late wife.

I just wonder if this may have something to do with how the illness presents - for a long time my dad and I didn't know that my mum was ill - now looking back we see it, but for years her behaviour became selfish, demanding, inflexible, attention-seeking, uncompromising and could be quite mean before the more classic symptoms took hold. Looking back it was like she developed autism - she wasn't forgetful, but she lacked empathy, was obsessed with her routines like going to keep fit and everything had to be about her. She expected my dad to go out to work, pay for a cleaner and a gardener, and take her out for dinner every night - they literally never ate at home because she refused point blank to cook. He couldn't invite friends round to the house because she wouldn't 'entertain' - and she wanted to be the centre of attention all the time! If you went round there you'd have had to make your own cuppa! I wish I was joking...

When all this was going on she was in her early-mid 40's and my parents marriage was under immense strain and numerous times they almost broke up because of her behaviour - she lost friends because she lost the concept of 'give and take' and expected friends to do all the running for nothing in return. To be perfectly and brutally honest she wasn't very nice to know and as a teenager I didn't understand why she was being so horrible - when I went to university I couldn't wait to get away and I only went back home when I had to.

When the illness started to show the more classic symptoms of dementia we started to understand, but it is extremely hard to undo all of that hurt. Dad said at the time that if they could make her better he would struggle to repair their relationship after everything that had gone on. I completely admire him for staying with her. However, despite all that went on, I love my mum dearly and I am so sad for her that she has missed out on so much because of this awful illness. I can't even take my kids to see her because her behaviour is so unpredictable.

This might affect why I feel the way I do about Dad's relationship, in the sense like I see it as a generally positive thing, and feel like he is entitled to a life, and to experience being cared for - something he has missed out on for a good 25 years, and perhaps why my head is so scrambled about it. I think if they had had a loving relationship like that of my inlaws then there is no way that my dad would have had another relationship - (my mum in law is around stage 6 with Alzheimers, but she is older - yes I have it on both sides :( )

I just wondered if that makes any more sense? Love and best wishes to all on here.
 
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