Sharing the journey

[chakras]

I am hoping that folk could help.

I work in the spirtual field which looks at alternative types of therapy and I do a lot on the spiritual self - the part of us that can experience so many emotions etc.

My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and a number of people said I should write down the journey as a carer and the journey of mum.

It is difficult and writing can bring about many emotions, but I want the book to be a journey that brings in the spiritual, help, advice and where people can identify with some of the experiences.

But I am hoping that people could just give a couple of monents to let me know what they would like such a book to contain..i.e if you were to pick up a book on teh journey of a carer and someone with dementia, are there any particular aspects that you would like covered.

I would be really grateful for any help and the book at the moment, with a few chapters already written is called "A Road Must Travelled"

 

[Owly]

Well that's an interesting idea and I will throw out some things I have mused over this past year with my mum (broken hips leading to immobility and dementia) and dad (still mostly in his right mind but blind so needs help with many practical things).

The issue of taking on another person's problem as if it was 100% your problem. How NOT to take this too far. How not to obsess about your parents' issues 24-7 even when you are not with them. Co-dependency and 'needing' to be needed (astrologically the water signs especially Pisces and Cancer will do this, and anyone with a strong Neptune - sacrifice - and Saturn - responsibility - mix).

The so called 'law of allowance' or 'law of non-interference'. Letting people have an experience that, if it were not meant to happen, would not be happening. Letting them make decisions as far as possible. Not needing to rescue and solve every little thing for them. Not becoming "the fat controller" of their life. How not to treat them as a child even though in many ways they have become a child. Stepping back. Allowing a little inner growth in them through letting them mull things over or work out a problem for themselves. Realising that though they would have preferred life to have stayed exactly the same, 'life' hates stagnancy and is always ready to move onto a new experience and that is what is happening here.

The problems of balance. How your help to parent affects other people in your life. How do you split your responsibilities? Once you've been torn into several pieces by conflicting demands, is there anything of you left? Do you have the right to preserve some part of your own ego needs that are not being hooked/demanded by the needs of another person? Dropping the ego is meant to be good for our spiritual growth. However, if we then effectively take on the ego and its needs of another person as if it were our own, have we not just become the clone of another ego? Where is the spiritual 'me' in all of that?

Astrology itself. Does this determine our lessons and give us no choice, or do we have room to manoeuvre? How our 'fates' are intertwined. For example, Pluto and Uranus are currently activating my mum's Moon (memory), my Dad's Venus (represents Mum) and my own Mars in Cancer 12th house (the urge to serve and sacrifice). This 'moment in time' brings us all together intensively to experience a plutonic kind of bonding and problem solving, as well as the uranian urge to escape from it all.

The thorny issue of karma. My Dad says, "I suppose this is our karma". I think his thoughts on it stopped there. I would go further and ask, "yes but what is the lesson?". But is it my duty to try and push his own understanding of what it's all about? Is my understanding of his karma (perhaps his previous taking-my-mum-for-granted) even the right one? How much any of us can understand the spiritual lesson lying behind another person's life. Best to consider only our own??

The issues of attachment and detachment. When to let go somewhat and allow others to take on some of the care and not feel weird about it (see codependency again). The issue of being quite literally "attached" via energetic links between our chakras and the resulting draining of energy from one person to another. People put hooks in us and if we try and get them to accept help from another person, the hook isn't there so they will resist because they're not feeling the connection. How much draining of our energy can we accept before we get ill ourselves?

Acceptance that everyone is different. That includes the "invisibles", the people in our family who don't help out. Do they have their own path to follow that does not include the issue of the ailing parent? Is their archetypal pattern/programme unconnected to the parental issue? Astrology can help again, as you can see connections between charts that practically insist upon one son or daughter being more involved with the parent than the others will be. Some "must travel" this road, while some "must not".

Standing above it all. Realising that this is the Universe sending Itself out as little sparklets of energy all designed and destined to have particular kinds of unique experience. Appreciating the opportunity to play this game which in the greater scheme of things is just a tiny moment-in-time-and-space of the oneness exploring what it can think, feel and do in particular circumstances. Seeing some kind of beauty and perfection in all the difficulty and the madness and the pain.

This is an interesting read on another forum..

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,28867.0.html?PHPSESSID=0847d574110b4c6d67f595ff8e0c399b

Best of luck with your writing. If you want me to clarify on anything I wrote above, please say.

 

[Padraig]

I'm writing the story of my wife's journey and have been writing for some time. It's proving very time consuming and difficult. Please God I'm spared to complete it.
Why you may ask I should bother? Many people have traveled the the road. In my case I found the first few years the most trying and like most carers when circumstances reached a point when I could no longer cope I placed her in a NH. The short period she was there was the most painful and distressing of the journey.

Visiting her every day for between 8-9 hours and watch her fade to less than six stone, with multiple pressure sores, loss of speech plus lose the use of limbs, I could no longer stand to witness. Against all advice I took her home to care for on my own.
Even when a MacMillan nurse offered her service I rejected it.
My next move was to seek knowledge through the internet by looking for anyone who was attempting the same as I. Once again I was told I was attempting the impossible. My mind set was; that if she was to die, then it would be in our home with me by her side. The doctor told me she was likely to pass away over-night, well she survived almost five years and was a little over her normal natural weight when she passed. Those final years provide the most interesting insight to the story.
I'm fortunate in that I have many photos, film and all medical records that speak volumes. I've no interest in making money as it's of little use to me at my stage of life.

 

[Padraig]

Sorry for posting, didn't mean to bring the thread to a stop.

 

[stanleypj]

You shouldn't apologise. It's always good to read posts with some hope in them.

 

[Francine]

Hi Chakras

I hope you get plenty of replies to your post. What I would like to be included in a book such as you are planning is how not to lose patience! I used to think I was a reasonably patient person but caring for someone for 7 years mainly on my own has shown me how wrong I had been! Also how to not let the incompetence of officials and so called professionals get to you! and also what to do when you get angry I often resort to throwing old china mugs etc. (never at people though, usually in the garage)! Also advice on looking beyond the here and now of the situation as you can get so caught up in the every day 'caring' of the person who you are caring for that you lose sight of anything else ie mainly ourselves. Hope you can understand this.

I always find Padraig's posts really encouraging and uplifting. I will look forward to reading 2 new books!

Best of luck!

 

[angelface]

This is a rather interesting thread. I notice that being born under the sign of
Cancer seems to mean I feel a duty to care for family, in spite of the damage it does me.
I would like a book to cover how to protect yourself from being too involved, and putting more into caring than you can cope with. I would love to know how those wonderful strong souls who care for so long find the strength to do it.
G

 

[Padraig]

Angelface, You would like to know how some one finds the strength to care till the end?
From my perspective I'd say: you never know what you are capable of until you keep pushing boundaries you set your self.

When I reflect on what I've achieved in life I'm never surprised that people find it hard to believe as I'm surprised myself. Each challenge we overcome makes us stronger. We start out not knowing what we are capable of and each challenge overcome brings its own reward.
I've been blessed with challenges from the age of two when I was deemed to be a criminal:charged with begging and sentenced to 14 years. Incarcerated with hundreds of other boys and used as free labour I never experienced family life, love, an education or knew much about the outside world.
When I discovered love for the first time it was so precious I would put my life on the line for it. To witness the beauty and wonder of a mother's love with-in my family was not something to be taken for granted. It was my reward after a loveless childhood.
My next challenge was to overcome the sudden loss of our fifteen year old daughter killed by a careless driver. Then came the Alzheimer's journey with my wife. Is it any wonder that I should have loved and cherished the girl who was my life's savour, inspiration and brought love light to my life.
The most recent challenge was to discover that I had advance stomach caner during the final years of caring. Though I've had the whole of the stomach removed and am awaiting the results of a scan I'm still pushing the boundaries by running 4 miles four days a week. In a few weeks I'll be 81 and I say what's age got to do with it?

Hope this gives you some idea how I was capable of caring on my own till the end of the journey. Hope this is of a little help.

 

[angelface]

Padraig,
I think you are truly one of those very strong souls, with a very strong positive attitude.

I am currently involved in helping to care for my aunt with dementia (now gone into a CH), but she is number six of those I have cared for. I also believed that the challenges that don't kill you make you stronger, but seem now to have got to the end of my strength.

I don't mean to sound full of self pity but am finding it hard to find the strength to live my life and enjoy it.

God bless

Gill

 

[chakras]

Many thanks for the replies,

It helps enormously.

The writing of it all can be difficult but i hope it will be a story that folk will be able to take something from.

Any other input from anyone most appreciated

 

[copsham]

"Passing on to the spirit world"

Hello Chakras
I feel a bit shocked as my mother aged 85 was looking after herself fairly well with a bit of memory loss, until 12 weeks ago then suddenly infections, falls and hospitalisation. She has been in hospital 8 weeks and has become incontinent, is fed a small breakfast then cannot eat much for the rest of the day, cannot speak and sleeps all day. Seems like a shell not the mother I knew. I have posted before about practical things but now thinking about the spiritual.

I was thinking about my mothers spirit, getting stuck, not "passing on" maybe unfinished business. it feels that she needs to leave, is exhausted but it is not happening. What would help her? I have some meditation tapes that she used to love so when I visit her later I will take these and play them to her through earphones. Any ideas??