1. Mumof3kids

    Mumof3kids Registered User

    Aug 12, 2018
    62
    My mum's mobility continues to be an issue and following a hospital appointment last month, she was fitted with a back brace, which will hopefully help with pain relief for her fractured back. The vest was somewhat of a contraption. And I knew straight away that this was beyond my dad's capabilities to put it on/take it off (he's the one with VD). So for the first week I was nipping out of work to fit it and then back up in the evening to take it off..... it was yet another job to my ever increasing To Do list....

    I contacted the GP asking whether there was a service my mum could be referred to for carers to come in the morning/evening to help fit/remove the brace. We had a massive breakthrough and a couple of days later, the carers started. It's been amazing.

    My next step was to find them a cleaner. A recommendation of a friend of friend came and we met at my M&Ds house. Lovely lady, is a carer in her other job so an absolute perfect fit. I showed her round the house and introduced her to dad. Dad was so cheerful - said all the 'right' things and was very appreciative. She left with arrangements in place that she'll start next week. I felt like another small weight had been lifted.

    I left the house before the evening carer arrived to remove the brace.

    During my daily morning call to mum this morning- - I asked what evening she'd had. Dad had apparently had 'lost it'. After the evening carer had been and gone he got very animated and shouting asking why his house was being taken over...... suspicious of everyone. Mum tried to explain that the carers are temporary whilst she needs to wear the brace - he couldn't remember she'd been wearing the brace and aggressively questioned 'what the b****y hell is wrong with you'

    After initially feeling so happy that they / I was getting help - I now worry that I've caused this extra anxiety for my dad.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,180
    Female
    South coast
    Im afraid this reaction is very common with people with dementia who do not remember/understand the reason for all the visitors.
    I do think it would be best to continue, though as its your mum that needs them and if anything happened to her so that she cold not continue, then your dad would have to move into a care home.
     
  3. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    416
    Female
    High Peak
    Your parents need carers so whether your dad likes it or not, it has to continue.

    I think the problem here (apart from all the obvious ones!) is that your dad sees a choice between carers coming in or no carers. You need to somehow convince him that the real choice, as @canary says, is between staying at home with carers or a care home. It may be harsh to put it in those terms but it's the truth.
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,482
    Female
    Yes, I think you have to continue. He may become used to it, but either way your mother needs the help a the moment, plus they will increasingly need other types of help.

    My grandparents had the same problem. My grandfather had severe mobility problems and needed a carer to help him wash and dress. My grandmother (who had dementia) would shout at them to get out of her house because to her they were just random strangers. She would sometimes be okay with it, and other times she'd kick off. We installed a key safe and the carers persisted regardless. After a year they both needed live-in care and she didn't like that either of course - but it wasn't negotiable, she had to have it.
     
  5. Mumof3kids

    Mumof3kids Registered User

    Aug 12, 2018
    62
    Thanks for taking the time to reply and it's reassuring to hear that you all think I should continue. Even though the carers are assisting my mum at the moment, I also feel that my parent's, (like @Sirena says) levels of care will increase over time, so at least they're 'in the system' so to speak.

    It's been a tough time getting my mum to acknowledge they need help, by her being fitted with the brace was the 'crisis' it took for her to see it too.

    I know dad can't remember so it will continue to be a vicious circle.

    I guess 4 years after his official diagnosis, I now need to be forceful in telling them what's best for them. If you listened to my dad, they're fine - a line he says all the time is 'we're not helpless you know, we can do things, you need to stop worrying so much........' Which makes it so hard.

    Thanks again ..x
     
  6. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    392
    Mumof3kids it may help to say "the doctor (taking yourself out of the equation) has said you need this". This takes it away from your vs them - believe me I have this with my Dad every time I visit him.
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,180
    Female
    South coast
    @Helly68 s advice is very good - its always a good idea to blame someone else, especially doctors.

    The doctor says she must have a carer to help her with the brace. The doctor says she needs help with housework. The doctor says.......
     
  8. Mumof3kids

    Mumof3kids Registered User

    Aug 12, 2018
    62
    @Helly68 and @canary . Yes good idea. We use this as a ploy for him to use his foot exerciser which he is NEVER keen to use (even though he's just sat in his armchair whilst the machine simply moves his feet) But dad the doctor told you to use this everyday.....

    I will extend this to the carers etc. Luckily for us he still remembers his GP and has a good relationship with him. Fingers crossed
     

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