shadow of her former self - and yet ....

[noelphobic]

My mother's son, who hasn't seen her for 15 months and prior to that didn't see her for a year, decided he would go to see her today. He obviously doesn't understand how this visiting lark works because he phoned the nh yesterday and announced that he would be visiting at 9am today. They advised him to visit after 11am as they didn't like early morning visits. He was obviously keen as he arrived at 10.40! He probably thought that they wanted him to arrive later to give them time to roll out the red carpet, chill the champagne and prepare the canapes

My mother's dementia is now so advanced that I knew she would not be able to relay any details of this visit. When I visited tonight I asked one of the nurses, who mentioned the visit, whether she thought my mum had recognised her son. I was quite shocked when she said that she thought my mum had recognised him, given the fact that my mum hadn't recognised him at my dad's funeral over 2 years ago, when her condition was not as advanced. However, it seemed that the nurse assumed she recognised him because she smiled and said 'hello' when he walked in. To my mind that doesn't mean that she did recognise him, although I don't suppose I will ever know.

She was very agitated and tearful tonight, which may well be coincidence, but again I can never know for sure. The thing that shocked me was when she suddenly, out of the blue and totally unprompted, said her son's name. My sister was there and I asked her whether she had heard what I had heard, and she agreed that that was what it sounded like. It's been weeks, if not months, since she said the name of any other members of the family, even mine and my sister's and we are her most frequent visitors.

I was hurt as well as shocked by her saying his name. Irrational I know, and maybe a little mean minded. I should have been glad that enough of her still survived to be able to recognise someone and say their name hours after they had visited her.

I think the point I am trying to make here, albeit in a rather rambling fashion, is that he was always her favoured child. No matter what his transgressions, which have been many, she has always made excuses for his behaviour. This has been infuriating in the past. For example, when my dad was alive she said that her son didn't visit her because 'his dad didn't like him'. After my dad died the reason he didn't visit was because myself and my sister didn't like him. At this point she was in an EMI home and our relationship with him was irrelevant because the chances are that if he visited we would not be there anyway.

The sad thing about this is that her youngest great grandson was in the 'royal party' today. He was born not long before my mum's birthday in July 2005. My niece sent my mum a card sayng that she would bring the new baby and his older brother to visit her 'soon'. The baby must now be about 20 months old and this is the first time my mum has seen him. 20 months is a long time in the life of an 86 year old with dementia. I am sure that 20 months ago she may have had some idea of who this child was and took pleasure from meeting him. Today it was probably meaningless.

Sorry for the rant. Just needed to offload.

Brenda

 

[cris]

Rant away. I think, if she did remember his name it was because there was a little 20month old who always nudge the instincts and cause a name for recall.
cris

 

[Lila13]

Isn't it always the child who visits least often who is the favourite?

 

[Libby]

Hi Brenda

I too have a brother who in the past could do no wrong, although in my case, we seem to get on well now as we both do most of the visiting.

I understand how you feel though, to think that he never visits, then your mum says his name. It's not mean minded - it's just human nature.

However, it seemed that the nurse assumed she recognised him because she smiled and said 'hello' when he walked in.

My mum's like that when I walk in - I know that she doesn't have a clue who I am. I start nattering to her, but really, I think I could be anyone

Don't let it get to you Brenda

Libs

 

[noelphobic]

Isn't it always the child who visits least often who is the favourite?

It does indeed seem to be that way. Ironically, before this disease robbed my mum of most of her powers of speech, her favourite greeting when I went to visit used to be 'where have you been, I haven't seen you for ages!' This would generally be when I had seen her a day or two previously! I virtually had a stand up fight with 2 of her sisters when my mum was in hospital a couple of years ago, because they said that my mum said no one had visited her in the week she had been in hospital. This was despite my going in with her when she was admitted, staying half the night and then visiting every subsequent day. They chose to believe my mum and we are still not speaking over 2 years later!

 

[sue38]

And you know what they say .. mothers and sons, fathers and daughters... Don't take it personally, just remember what you do and what he does.

Sue xx

 

[alfjess]

Hi Noelphobic

I can truly symphathise with you and the frustration you are feeling.

My Mum thinks the sun shines out of my brothers A-- and believe me his transgressions have been many also and of course it was never his fault.

It takes all of my patience, when she is singing his praises every night and I have to keep my opinions to myself, but it would serve no useful purpose if I said. what I thought, only upset Mum and Dad

I think that the person who cares the most is taken for granted, a little. Not that they have the capacity, to really think like that, but it can be very hurtful.

Try not to let it bother you, after all if your brother runs true to form, it could be another 20 months, before you need to worry again.

Wish my brother would stay away for 2 months, never mind 20, instead of the havoc he causes every week when he visits for an hour.

Alfjess

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Upright aunts, uptight Brenda

It does indeed seem to be that way. I virtually had a stand up fight with 2 of her sisters when my mum was in hospital a couple of years ago, because they said that my mum said no one had visited her in the week she had been in hospital. This was despite my going in with her when she was admitted, staying half the night and then visiting every subsequent day. They chose to believe my mum and we are still not speaking over 2 years later!

Brenda! Congratulations on not decking your aunts. I think I would have been mortified, in your shoes too, and sorely tempted to land one on them.

 

[connie]

Dear noelphobic, console yourself with the fact that you are always there for you mum.

Others may come and go, someone else may be recognised or a name spoken, but you know, deep down, that you are the one who will always do the right things, and for all the right reasons. You may never be fortunate enough to receive the recognition you deserve, but I am sure that your mum would not like you to have these negative thoughts.

Not easy, I know. Take care now, cut yourself some slack, you are special.

 

[Margarita]

Isn't it always the child who visits least often who is the favorite?

It is , but looking at it from a parents view your mother sounds like me as my older daughter who is 22 always say that to me about my son who is 27,

he was always her favored child. No matter what his transgressions.

(My daughter say no matter how bad he behaviour his always your favored )


I really don’t mean to come arcos like that, & yes I feel also its because my son does not get on with his older, younger sister that he does not visit me so often , but as a parent its not that that his a favorite , just that his my child like my daughter is , if one of my daughter keep away or keep Transgressing . I would feel the same , just like the prodigal son in the story in the bible , you always welcome them back and miss them when not around the same would be if the story was the prodigal daughter .

I know what I am saying will not take away your hurt feeling , pain & have every right to feel like that . but just thought I could give you a different perspective of it xx

 

[Lila13]

It was very noticeable when my grannie was elderly and ill, the way she played her daughters against each other, the eldest daughter and the precious only son managed to avoid most of it.

I haven't forgiven my older aunts yet, not that I imagine they care what I think.

 

[Amy]

Hi Brenda,
I understand the mother and son syndrome - and the hurt. As kids did he get away with stuff, and you were judged more harshly? As Connie says - you are special - and I am sure that in your mum's heart she knows that.
Love Helen

 

[noelphobic]

Hi Brenda,
I understand the mother and son syndrome - and the hurt. As kids did he get away with stuff, and you were judged more harshly? As Connie says - you are special - and I am sure that in your mum's heart she knows that.
Love Helen

I don't think it was just as kids Helen. He has turned 50 now and has always treated her with a complete lack of respect and affection, yet she has always made excuses for him. I was amazed when she said his name yesterday, hours after he had left. I am also stressed out because I know the fact that he has come out from under his stone will mean there is trouble ahead. He has only bothered with her in the past when he has been after money. At my dad's funeral 2 years ago he kept coming up to my sister when she was talking to guests - people that he didn't know and who didn't know him - and saying in front of these people that they 'needed to talk about the money'!!

So it's not just a case of jealousy on my part at his being the favoured child, although I will admit that that is a part of it.

Brenda

 

[noelphobic]

Brenda! Congratulations on not decking your aunts. I think I would have been mortified, in your shoes too, and sorely tempted to land one on them.

The conversation we had also included them saying repeatedly that my mum 'needed looking after'. I pointed out that she was going to a day centre twice a week (my dad was still alive and mum still lived at home with him at the time). They told me that this wasn't enough and she needed 24 hour care. I told them that I had a child to look after and a full time job. They told me that they had looked after their mother when she was ill, despite having children and jobs -even though one of them is childless! Their mother died of breast cancer which was diagnosed very late and I think she only really required looking after for a few weeks. Plus there were 7 children, so a totally different situation.

When my dad died about 6 months after this incident, the aunts in question graced us with their presence at the requiem mass and burial but decided they had other engagements immediately afterwards so couldn't come back to the church club for a drink etc. I wasn't bothered whether they were there or not but I thought they should have made the effort for their sister. The husband of one of these aunts walked past my sister, myself and our children as we were coming back from the grave, his face set in stone!

Dontcha just love families

 

[noelphobic]

Dear noelphobic, console yourself with the fact that you are always there for you mum.

Others may come and go, someone else may be recognised or a name spoken, but you know, deep down, that you are the one who will always do the right things, and for all the right reasons. You may never be fortunate enough to receive the recognition you deserve, but I am sure that your mum would not like you to have these negative thoughts.

Not easy, I know. Take care now, cut yourself some slack, you are special.

Wise words Connie and I will try to remember them when things get too much. Thank you.

Brenda

 

[Margarita]

They is so many judgmental people around I have realize I come to the conclusion its , because of they own secret guilty feeling so they try to give it to you , taking away any positive energy you may have , making them feel good ( In a twisted way , because of they lack of insight ) when they see you down .

Someone told me it’s like ball, if you throw a ball it bonuses back to you,

So if you throw a ball of bad energy at someone it’s always going to come back to you.

So throw a ball of good energy at someone giving you negative energy your always have positive energy throw back at you.

When in grief your energy level of negative are high and low in feeling postive , so you have to keep your guide up , in case you meet someone with negative energy , but if you can recognize what is happening it lift you up in to the positive energy.

so am sending you if it Was humanly possible on the internet , lots of positive energy ((( Hugs ))) to see it through this time with your brother xx

 

[noelphobic]

so am sending you if it Was humanly possible on the internet , lots of positive energy to see it through this time with your brother xx

Thanks Margarita. I think I'll need it!

 

[Margarita]

You got it , mix with lots of postive people

 

[Tender Face]

Dontcha just love families

Sorry but that made me smile - and this from a only child!!!!!

Soz, Brenda just daring to catch up with threads ..... I think you're opening words said it all - 'my mother's son' - rather than my brother .... I'm certainly in the midst of 'not-idyllic-family-syndrome' at the moment so sorry if I speak 'in warped manner' but you are doing well if you can emotionally distance yourself and remember whether you are the one in 'favour' or not - you are the one DESERVES it!!!!

Hugest hugs, Karen, x

 

[noelphobic]

Sorry but that made me smile - and this from a only child!!!!!

Soz, Brenda just daring to catch up with threads ..... I think you're opening words said it all - 'my mother's son' - rather than my brother .... I'm certainly in the midst of 'not-idyllic-family-syndrome' at the moment so sorry if I speak 'in warped manner' but you are doing well if you can emotionally distance yourself and remember whether you are the one in 'favour' or not - you are the one DESERVES it!!!!

Hugest hugs, Karen, x

I find that the word 'brother' sticks in my throat Karen. He is a stranger to me and the only connection we still have is through my mum. Given his lack of respect and affection for her and the fact that he has always treated her bady, that is a very tenuous (sp?) connection which will be broken when I lose my mum.

Sorry to hear you are also having family problems. There's a lot of it about unfortunately

Brenda